i'm BACK BAYBEE!

so, i went back to the gym on thursday- which was step one in getting my program back on track. that day i did all my strength work, but headed home before cycle cuz i just didn't feel ready. the hardest part was trusting my gut and not beating myself up all day.  Friday, however, i returned full force! i did every set and rep of my strength work, hopped in the pool, knocked out my 40 lengths, hopped out, dried off then did an hour of yoga with Kim. :-) kim always likes to crank it up and challenge us, and this was no exception-we worked on Warrior III for probably a solid 10 min. i used to be intimidated by Kim, but now i am really starting to appreciate her for helping me challenge myself! Saturday we went to cycle, and Though she *said* she'd go easy on us, by the end, even Kathi had to admit she'd worked us hard! It was Zumba Party in Pink day (i lent scott a tee, and i don't think i'm getting it back!) and, since one of my friends saw me checking it out, i ended up taking part in the last 20 min or so of the Zumbathon! it was my first Zumba, and it was fun, but probably not going to dethrone cycle as my Go-to cardio- might throw it in once in awhile to surprise the muscles though.

                                                      yeah my eyes are closed but look at all the pink!

Today went much like friday- cranked out the strength work, which was slightly lighter on the abs and buns since i knew Krisit would take care of me in those areas in Pilates, then, in Pilates, i finally felt like i wasn't wasting my time! i've done a lot of pilates over the years, and i was initially- for a few weeks- frustrated with the gap between my expectations of a pilates  class and the way Kristi teaches- no longer. today i truly enjoyed the whole class, and am really looking forward to next week. Finally, came the icing on my monday workout cake! Gentle Yoga with Shelle! i love this class, and how totally relaxed i feel coming out of it . Tonight i'm going back for another helping- Yin Yoga with Shelle at 7 pm!

pencil to paper update #1

it's been a cuckoo crazy couple weeks. lotsa thoughts to share.
1. the fertility drugs were a no-go last month. i'm mostly ok about that, because i know God's got this, and i can be patient. the hard part was having to take the Provera again. but, i'm on the other side of that, and tomorrow i start the Clomid.
2. i haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks (13 days.)  i haven't been slacking, it's just been a forced 2 days for impact, being sick when we got home, and then the provera for the past week. tomorrow i'm heading back and i'm gonna rock it out. i've also been thinking that i can't think of getting pregnant as something that is for sure going to change things in the fitness arena- i think i need to be determined not to let it unless the doctor says i need to chill (which, knowing him, is unlikely.) because if i start making excuses for myself early on, i'm never gonna reach or maintain what i want. i have hated being a bum the past 2 weeks, but to be honest, i;ve started to adjust to it, and that SCARES me! so, here is my resolution: NO skipped workouts, period- unless the gym is closed that day, i have to go. i definitely felt like garbage during my most recent workouts, but i still kicked butt, so no excuses!!! i'm a little scared to jump back in tomorrow, because it's my most hardcore workout day of the week, but i absolutely have to.
3. i'm not sure if i've shared this, so here goes. as much as i've been aching and cryin g to have a baby, i'm really conflicted the past month. i feel like i've never been this happy and content and complete in my life. i've fallen in LOVE with my workouts and am healthier than ever, my marriage is the best it's EVER been, i have an incredible church family who loves me, i'm involved in a youth ministry that i see God doing HUGE things in,  my relationships with my siblings, parents, in-laws, etc are the best they've ever been, and we are 2 months from being out of debt. I want to be a mother, but i'm questioning if i want it *right now.* i sometimes feel like i wanna reach my fitness goals and enjoy all we have worked for with getting out of debt before we change everything. The bottom line is, though that i'm not getting any younger, and since fertility is an issue, i don't feel like i have the option of waiting if i want a bio baby. i know that i need to see this Clomid thing through, and if that doesn't work out, then that's the answer, and we move on toward adoption and foster care. above all, i gotta leave it in Hands that are bigger and stronger than my own. :-)

shirt from when i was in HS and size 10 pants.

That is all.

Inspiration from my Mama

I worry. a lot. about many things. most of these worries are unnecessary. that said, lately i have 2 main fears/worries: a) that all this trying to have a baby is gonna end in heartache and b)if i do get pregnant it's going to be high risk and i'll have to stop my workouts and i'll lose all the ground i've gained in my fitness this year. i've no real reason or concrete basis for either of these fears, it's just that i can't see the answer or control them that drives me mad. i shared all this with my mother the other day, and she responded with this story. (quotes are my memory and may not be verbatim- sorry Mama.)

 What you just said reminds me of when i was taking a Calculus test once. i was sitting there, staring at the problem on the paper and thinking. and i kept staring at it. The teacher came over and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was thinking. He said i that i had to put pencil to paper and start solving it, one step at a time. i'd never see the answer at the start, but what i had to do was put pencil to paper and do what comes next.

So that was her advice to me. Don't feel stuck because i can't see the answer to my worries from where i sit now-my job right now is to keep putting pencil to paper and doing what comes next every single day. WOW. so simple, but for me, so VERY profound. and exactly what i needed to hear.
THANKS MAMA!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

kicking butt, new interests, icky drugs, and- WHAT? 30 pounds GONE????

it's been a busy and crazy and awesome and partially sick couple weeks! ok, once again it's been awhile so i'll try and sum up what's been going on as best i can without boring details.
 Icky drugs
the day following my last post i had a doctor's appt in which my doc and i discussed the pregnancy situation and made a roadmap to move forward- hopefully with some results. well the first leg of the journey from that point on was 10 days of Provera to get things movin. UGH! i felt ok if kinda feverish over the weekend- and that was Irene weekend, so i had a decent excuse not to make it to Cycle that saturday. i also missed my monday workout due to just plain feelin crappy, but i forced myself to go on Tuesday because i really really don't want to lose this awesome momentum i am gaining. i'm glad i went, and proud of what i accomplished, but MAN was it a rough morning! it went like this- i get to the gym and start doing my floor work. a set of 20 ct bicycle crunches goes jsut fine, but as soon as i start doing front/lateral raises with 7.5 lb weights, i start sweating, heart starts racing, and the room starts spinning. scary! i struggled through the rest of my floor work and weights that way, but it felt borderline stupid. then i went into Cycle- this time with Lisa. i think class started pretty well,and idefinitely felt stronger than i hsd my first week of cycle- i pretty much always feel an inch from death in cycle class- but in a good way.  at about the 40 min mark i was not feeling it in a good way- i was pretty sure i was gonna pass out, fall off the bike, and in doing so also puke and injure myself somehow. i pushed a bit longer then at 44 min i had to get off that bike and get out of there. i t was not good how i felt and God willing i'll never feel that way again. i went home that day with a solid 2h workout behind me but a large sense of frustration because i know that if not for the drugs i coulda done more. fast forward 8 days till that medicine was out of my system and i felt human enough to hit the gym again. strength training fist as usual, then Cycle with Shelle- now, i have had a number of cycle instructors (s/o to Ashley, Dee, Susan, Lisa, Kathi, and Shelle!) and Shelle is the toughest by far in my opinion- but this is good- i need the push! Just...it was a bit much for my first day back after being so sick and doing literall nothing but play video games and watch TV for a week. i made it through 36 min and bailed. when i did i told myself it was ok, but starting on saturday i was going to finish every ride from here out- even if i had to take breaks from following the instructor's cues.
 Kicking Butt
y'know what? i HAVE! my next class was saturday, and i finished the whole 45 min ride and followed almost all of Kathi's cues.Monday was a mass of strength training (about 90 min) followed by a 33 min run on the elliptical. maybe it';s a phase i'm in, but i am so over the elliptical right now. maybe cuz cycle is making me pretty much permasore and it's just not a mentally stimulating workout, i dunno. not feelin it the past few weeks.anyhoooooo. Tuesday i did the strength thing again and then headed to cycle class to see what Lisa had in store. i've started getting to the studio early to warm up and sneak a few extra minutes into my workout, so in the end my ride on tuesday was a rockin, rollin, leg burnin 67 min/25.1 miles. I FINISHED! YAAAAAAY ME!

 New interests! (and more Kicking Butt)
then, because i had told Kathi i would, and because i really wanted to break a fear barrier, i went to Basic Yoga class with Kathi. i'd practiced a teeny bit of yoga on my own a few years ago, but i was heading in basically a clean slate. ( the little i knew going in helped me know generally what poses are called which helps). here is a link to a post someone else wrote about the class-if you look at the pics, i'm in a few- in hot pink of course! :-) i loved the class, love Kathi, and am SO going to be there every week!  Wed was my last midweek rest day for the forseeable future- i think-but i got right back into it on thursday- strength training, then cycle with Shelle again- SO hard, but i finished and finished strong! Shelle's style is more challenging than the others, but i still love her class- then immediately following cycle i had Yoga with- Shelle!!! i was nervous- is her yoga practice style as intense ans her cycle style? oh thank heavens no- it was challenging, but still soooo relaxing and full of good mind/body connection. at this point i'm pretty sure i'm addicted to yoga.  Today i got to the gym a little late after waking up slowly with scott, and only did about half my planned strength work before scuttling down to the locker room, changing, and hopping in the pool for my first swim since JUNE! (ok maybe July 1, but still!) i'm not gonna lie- the second thru 8th lengths were a struggle, but judging from the few time checks i made, my lap time is still about what it was in late june. that was cool to see. i did 36 lengths/laps (i always count a lap as there and back but it seems most folks don't) then hopped back out to change- i had budgeted more time than needed for all this changing, so i'm likely gonna strength train longer before i swim after this. Then it was time for Yoga! yes! more YOGA! this time it was with Kim, who i'd never seen nor met before, but who had a very nice style of guiding our practice and i am looking forward to more yoga with her.  i also think i am going to practice my Tree/dancer/full warrior poses more outside class so i can not topple during every balance move.  Tomorrow is Cycle again- either with Ashley or Kathi, and as it;s the one workout a week i dhare with Scott, it;s extra exciting! oh. one more thing...
SAY WHAT?
We have a milestone crossed here people! i weighed myself yesterday, and after so much hard work, i have weighed in at 179.4lbs. this means 2 things: a) i have lost over 30 lbs! and b) i am OVER halfway to my  goal!!!! YAAAAAAY *confetti*
.

Spinning!

i've added yet another form of exercise to my repetoire! Spinning, or Cycle, as they call it at my gym is an intense cardio workout on specially designed stationary bikes. it is the hardest* thing i have ever done, exercise wise, and now i have completed three classes in 6 days- Sat, Tues, Thurs. i am so proud of that.  let me share the experience with you.

Saturday: Get Moving Cycle
Instructor: Ashley
This is the class for beginners, but it wasn't easy at all. first, we were taught how to set up our bikes, then we were guided through a series of sprints, climbs, and standing drills. i kept up ok, and definitely gave it all i had. it was a 45 min ride, and i think having scott there with me helped immensely. So far, Ashley's soundtrack was my favorite. effort: 8/10, kept up: 7/10

Tuesday: Get moving Cycle
Instructor: Dee
Dee has a very different personality from Ashley, much more soothing and encouraging compared to Ashley's more gregarious style, but that's ok! this class was equally challenging to the first, and i finished, so that was good. it was really really hard, but i am so glad i went. i gave it all i had today because i knew wed would be a day off.  effort: 9/10 Kept up 8/10

Thursday: CycleAbs
Instructor: Susan
this class was gonna be a challenge before i ever walked in. i felt like garbage from the start today, but i decided that if i'm gonna keep this up when i'm pregnant i need to learn to push through that.  when i walked in, i asked the others in the class how long the ride was (i thought it was 45 min with 15 min of abs at the end) and was told "an hour" Whooooo boy! i had only doen 45 min rides, and i was already feeling icky and weak. i figured right then that i'd stop at 45 min. then at the 10 min mark i was telling myself i'd jsut make it to 20 min- i felt so weak and sore! then, at 20 min, i was like, ok, you can make it to 30. then at 30, iwas like, ok- push till 45- you;ve done that before! at 45 min i was like ok, do your best, and finish the ride. and i did! No ab work- probably because it was a sub teacher. that's ok. i'll jsut hit them hard tomorrow. i'm so proud of that 60 min ride.

So, that;s been my first week of Spinning, and i can't wait till saturday! (provided there is no storm interference!)

*when i say hardest, i mean most challenging without causing me some sort of pain or injury, as in BodyCombat, where i struggle because of foot and joint pain more than lack of fitness

Thinking ahead to pregnancy training

so, i'm not pregnant yet- as far as i know- but the fitter i get, the more i feel it could be iminent. i am also a planner and a control freak,  so i have been doing some research into how to build and modify my program around this. i think i've got a pretty solid plan (which i will discuss with my doctor next friday to see what he thinks) and that makes me feel pretty confident.
Something i have been expressing over and over to scott lately is this fear that after all the hard work i have put forth this year that i'm going to get pregnant and lose all the progress i've made in getting fit. i am determined for that not to happen.  honestly, if  i find out next week that i am pregnant now, i pretty much do not want to weigh any more at the end of my pregnancy than i do right now. i'm 33ish lbs from my goal weight and i don't think gaining more than that is neccesary, or even healthy. (i'm gonna talk to my doctor about this, so don't freak out.) part of this is because i've been told the beginning of your pregnancy is a fantastic time to lose weight and because for my own sake and for the sake of my child, i am going to need to bounce back as quickly as possible afterwards. i think that's true for many women, but it's especially true for me, because of my PCOS-fatigue and depression are big issues in my struggle, and to be the best mom i can, daily exercise time is jsut gonna have to be a top priority after keepin that baby clean, fed,and loved on. that's the way it's gonna have to be- forever. Mama has got to take care of herself so she can take care of you. maybe it sounds selfish, but i know from seeing how i'm a better wife no than i was 8 months ago that the only way i can be the woman God made me to be is if i am getting in that workout time. To that end, here is my general plan:

-2x/week: Cycle class
-5x/week: pregnancy pilates
-3x/week: weight training
-3-4x/week: run on elliptical or swim

When i hit the 2nd Trimester i also plan on starting the Hot Mama's program at my gym. not sure waht all that entails, but i'm sure i'll be able to work it all together for a healthy pregnancy.