Plateau, or just hormones/digestion

So, I've been expecting/dreading a plateau in my weight loss for awhile, because I've never had this kind of consistent weight loss in my life. This past week was the first week in the past 3 months that I've weighed in exactly the same, so I'm a bit bummed. I fear it's upon me-the time when I have to a) become more patient with my body because I'm essentially at a healthy weight and these are vanity pounds, and b) decrease my defecit-or at the very least make sure I'm eating enough every single day.

I've been tracking my calorie intake (by now it's second nature) but have probably not made sure I've been eating enough as well as I should...also this could be Premenstrual hormones, and the fact that my bowels aren't moving as frequently...tmi maybe, but a factor all the same. I can't let this derail my drive though. Gotta keep pushing and building-especially over the holidays. 

I'm a little bit of a walking contradiction these days. 

I'm so happy with my life and my family-yet I'm broken inside. I'm lonely and sad that few pursue friendship with me, yet I'm pulling away and the thought of someone coming after me fills me with dread. I know I'm isolating myself, and frankly it's kind of intentional. I have felt rejected and unwanted and alone for years at a time at different points in my life, and I guess this is my defense against that. You can't ignore me or reject my need for friendship if I don't let you close. Besides, I have Scott and Lexi, I can wrap myself in them, and I trust them not to hurt me. 

Before and during my pregnancy with Lexi, I was deeply immersed in my church family, spending every possible moment loving and being loved by them. They were amazing through the waiting and the fear and all of my silliness-celebrating with and supporting me. Since she's been born though...not so much. I don't know when or how it happened, but I just don't feel close to or even connected to many anymore. It's really hard, and I'm sure none of them have a clue. And I don't want to tell them, because I don't want love out of pity or obligation. And you know what else? I'm just tired of needing. Always needing. I'm tired of being the broken one. 

Related-I miss my high school best friend something fierce. She lives states away and we haven't spent any time together in 13 years, but in many ways we have more in common now than we ever did. I ache to reach out and tell her I miss her, I love her, I *need* her, but I can't.  I can't face the rejection I'm almost certain of, because her life is so full, and she doesn't need my brokenness cluttering it up. 

So tired of being broken. 

About last night...

Last night I showed up at the gym for cycle class like any normal Tuesday, nervous, excited, ready to see what my body could really do. It's always my biggest challenge physically and mentally to push harder and go faster and climb a steeper hill-I love it. As we all piled into the room and adjusted our bikes, we were informed that Shelle, who you know I love love love had been in a car accident (I've since talked to her and she's totally fine, praise God) and wasn't going to make it to class, and they were trying to find a sub for us. A few people left at this point, about 8-10 stayed. I texted Scott, and he told me I should get up there and lead, or at least call out drills from where I was. "It's your goal. Or dream. Or something,"  and he's right-it is! I've wanted to be a cycle instructor since my very first class. But I wasn't that bold. Another guy called out an offer to do just that, and I told him to go for it, but nobody else responded, so he didn't. :-(  at that point, I decided that until we had an instructor I was just going to do drills in my head. It's tough to push oneself to the level we usually push without music, and after about 10 min another 3-5 people left. By 30 min in there were 3 of us left-I was still doing drills and intervals in my head, thinking, "ok, for the next four minutes I'm going to stand, and add a gear every 45 seconds" or "ok, 30 on, 30 off" and gettin an insane workout, especially considering I had no music. 45 min in, another person left. 55 min in, my last classmate was gone, calling a reminder to stretch over his shoulder. I finished my hour on the bike, had a good long stretch, wiped down my bike, and checked my heart rate monitor-I burned just as many calories from my hour training myself with no music as I do on any other Tuesday night! I walked out of that room seeing myself in a totally different way. My dream of being a cycle instructor feels completely in my grasp. I don't know when it'll happen, but I do know now that I *can*, and that is life changing. I'm still a little blown away. 

Can we talk about dysmorphia?

This is a bigger issue some days than others, but it remains a problem in my life. I've lost 57 lbs, 5 pant sizes, and people who've known me for years are telling me I look like a different person, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, I often see the same fat girl (who was really never *that* fat, if I'm honest) I've been seeing my entire adult life (except when I was pregnant-I loved my body then!). I know I'm smaller. I know I look different. These are facts, undisputable because they have pretty numbers to go with. However, I still zero in on the softness around my middle, the chubby face, the way I wish my arms were more toned...and I see a fat girl. I don't see the strong woman who reached a goal 13 years in the making, or the mom who carves out time for herself so she can enjoy her days more fully. I see my belly. My belly that is so much closer to being abs than it's ever been, but I still hate that it's not. I want to celrbrate how far I've come, but I'm distracted by how much more I still want. It's so stupid. 

Quick update

Just checking in to say that I'm finishing up my second week of round 2 of JMBR and really committing to staying consistent despite holiday interruptions. Due to being sick the end of last week, the IBS Christmas party tonight, Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, next week will be my only two cycle class week this month. 

Since my goals from here on are kind of undefined/hard to measure (I'd still like to see 150 on the scale, but I'm at my goal size so...) it's really hard to get my "why" in my head. Before it was the size 8 skinny jeans, or the 50 lb mark...now I'm pushing for performance. To keep up with shelle in cycle class, to rep out on all of Jillian's crazy push-ups, to get rid of the belly fat that drives me nuts. These aren't numbers, they are concepts, and though attainable, hard to measure. (Other than the push ups.)

So here is where I am today:

Lbs lost: 55

Pants: size 8's are comfy, even after a cycle class. :-D

Push ups: 2x10 military style, with limited ROM.

Active recovery week

Because I want to wear my skinny jeans on thanksgiving and I know that intense exercise makes me swell up like a sausage, I'm taking this week as an active recovery week. Here's what that means: 

-As much walking as possible. It's really cold this week, and supposed to rain tomorrow and Wednesday on top of being cold. I may end up walking alone in the frigid early mornings to save Lexi having to be out in the yucky weather.  

-lots of water. I'll be pumping fluids and flushing out my muscles. Lots of lemon water and chamomile tea!

-eating clean-as much as possible. 

Expectations: honestly, my goal for this week as far as results is to maintain. I hope to lose a little water from my worn out muscles, but as long as I don't swell up, I'm golden. :-) 

I'm trying to put this in perspective. It's one week. Everyone needs and deserves a break. I'm not going to go nuts with food, and no matter what, I'm launching back in a week from today. Argh...I'm such a control freak...

Unexpected Growth

When I purchased JMBR, I was looking for a way to lose the baby weight and get myself back into a workout routine. I've gotten so much more from it than that though. 

The first week, way back in March, I was so nervous, because I looooove Jillian, but I'd never ever been able to finish one of her workouts without a lot of breaks, modifying, and generally feeling defeated. Well, I was so excited during that first workout, because even though I'd done little to no exercise for over a year during  2/3 of my pregnancy and being in my baby bubble, I could *do* this! It wasn't easy, but I could get through the workout. At that point in my journey, that was what I needed to boost my confidence. When I leveled up the first time was when things really started to fall apart, because suddenly THIS WAS HARD! my pride took a hit. I didn't wanna modify, take breaks, whatever. Some of these moves were killing me, and I was literally frustrated to tears. It was also around this time that I went back to cycle class for the first time since Lexi, and in hindsight, I think that was a big factor in my frustration, and the beginning of my period of overtraining. I really struggled through class both times my first week back, but I finished-again, amazing myself, because it took me a good month back in 2011 to get through a whole 60 min with shelle, and here I was, doing it my first day back! I really started here seeing how incredible my body is, and it was definitely a spark of the fiery change that was to come. 

But then the overtraining happened. I tried to layer JMBR (which I was struggling with all on its own) with cycle 3x a week, yoga, walking, and a 45 min Tracy Anderson DVD. This gave my body no recovery, overtrained my muscles, and  most of all, left me feeling really discouraged. I struggled hard with consistency during this time, and saw very little progress in my performance. By the end of June I'd burnt myself out and didn't work out once in July. When I came back to fitness in late August, I knew I had to do it differently, and at first I was still overtraining, but within a month I got my training dialed in. All I needed to be doing to see results was JMBR and cycle. I could get an extra burn and give Lexi some time outdoors by adding a walk. 9/2 was my JMBR restart date, and 9/23 was the first day of this new plan. 

Consistency is the first gift I feel I've been given by myself through this program. Since my restart in late August I've only missed 2 exercise days, and one of them was due to sciatica. I attribute this to the simplification of my program (who would have thought I'd be getting faster better results from 35-90m a day than the 4h I was doing in 2011?) and to the mental strength I've developed over the past 2.5 years that has really blossomed the past 12 weeks. 

This mental strength has manifested in the area of pushing harder and knowing when to modify. My first attempt at JMBR involved a lot of skipping exercises and cardio intervals and feeling afterwards like i was either weak or cheating myself. This second time through, I've had a different mindset. You do what you can. This works both ways- I try every exercise and interval. Much of the time that exercise I was skipping is totally doable, either modified or at fewer reps to start. And if I need to modify or hit pause to catch my breath, that's okay, as long as I get back to it. I'm not going to beat myself up for doing *my* best and I'm not going to actually cheat myself by not trying and not finding out what my best is. Maybe I'll be able to do those 3 part push-ups one day, but for now I'm pretty stoked I did 10 military style in a row, because before JMBR I'd never done one. 

One area I've seen huge improvement in is my ability to do Plyo moves as cardio intervals. Before this I barely tried and used my bad joints as an excuse. Since I started at least giving it a try though, I've found a lot of strength and improvement. I'm still pretty cautious, and keep my range of motion smaller, but I'm doing it, and finding less and less pain in my knees and ankles as I progress. 

  My performance in JMBR itself improves every week, and while I've never really felt ready to level up when it's time, I always surprise myself. Cycle class, however is it's own amazing journey, and I'm amazed at the strides I've made there especially over the past 12 weeks. When I came back after Lexi, I had to fight just to finish the hour each time. There was no challenging my body beyond that, I wasn't even keeping up with the teacher's directions to stand, sit, add gear, etc. I realized last night that now I follow every direction and though the workout kills me just as hard, it's become a totally different experience. My goals aren't just to get through it, but to go harder than I did last time, on speed, resistance, whatever. It's just incredible. 

I'm really excited that I'm not spending hours a day grinding at this anymore. 35 min (40 if I take breaks) and I'm done and the day belongs to Lexi. That's so nice, and even more than that, it's sustainable. 

  I've unexpectedly found a support system like no other in a JMBR group on fb. These women (and one man) all over the world have come together with our different stories and struggles to change our lives and support each other while doing it! There is no judgement or shaming, just tons of encouragement. It's made such a huge different for me! (hi y'all!)

One thing I never expected this journey to give me-and it started way back in 2011-is a new sense of self worth. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. The origins of this and the story of it are their own post. Because of this aspect of my personality, I tend to not stand up for myself when I'm being mistreated or taken advantage of. I often choose what will make others happy instead of what's best for me. Now selflessness isn't a bad thing, but I'm talking about choosing what will please others over what is truly *best* for me. This is particularly destructive on an emotional/mental health level because I struggle there often. This program has given me a simple place to start drawing a line in the sand and choosing ME. By starting by letting me tell MYSELF "no, I have value, I need this, and nothing is more important." I began to face down the lies that I wasn't worth value, and I have been more and more able to create boundaries. I am becoming more and more able to give of myself joyfully, because it's out of love rather than fear. I still struggle with the fear of others' reactions to my choices, but I'm beginning to be stronger about making the choices. 

 And yes, I do have a new body. I know this, though I don't always see it. I'm the smallest I've been in my adult life. I'm the fittest and healthiest of my entire life. That's awesome, and I'm really trying not to focus on my belly fat. :-P