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Letting Him Lead: an Emerging Theme.

 

From our first email exchange, over a week before we met, E spoke of seeing where God leads, in regard to our therapeutic journey. I found this comforting right away, and it cemented my sense that God was already leading, and had led me to *her*.  That phrase, or something like it came up again and again in our early communications, and I found it so reassuring and hope-giving. I was also, if I'm honest, confused by what it would actually look like played out. I had some ideas off what therapy would look like, and the patience required to "let Him Lead" was not matching up with that in my head. That's because God really had led me to someone special. 

The other part of my confusion stemmed from feeling like I'd been fighting for two years to get Him to deliver me, to save me, to rescue me. I'd been fighting with all I had, expending more energy than I had to give, throwing every ounce of my being into desperately doing all I could to get out of this dark place. I was exhausted, getting nowhere, and it felt like I was sinking deeper by the moment. I was trying supplements, exercise, focusing on trying to sleep, reading all I could about so many things to try. Everything would help, some. Nothing helped enough. I felt like God was silent, or maybe He'd abandoned me but to poke His head in once in awhile. So when was He gonna start leading? Or was I missing it?

Meanwhile, I came across an article about rip currents, how to spot and avoid them, and what to do if you find yourself in one. This latter part made something click and almost moved me to tears. When you find yourself in a rip current, being pulled further from shore and safety, you might feel like the  best thing you can do is swim with all your might against the current back to the shore,  but that's not actually the answer. You should, if you're a strong swimmer, swim parallel to the shore until you get free of the rip, then diagonally to shore. No fighting the current. Don't be a hero. And if you're tired or not a strong swimmer, don't swim at all. Stay where you are and gently tread water. In either case, CALL FOR HELP. Especially if you're not strong-don't try to save yourself-keep yourself afloat as best you can and call for help.

You may have read where I've compared mental illness like mine to the tide. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's pretty deep at high tide, and sometimes low tide is so sunny and warm the sand even dries between and under my toes. Well, the time of crisis (hard to say how long now, it was a slow process to get to the worst of it, but suddenly I was there) has been a riptide. Slowly it lurked below the surface, appearing calm, but suddenly I'm 100 yards from shore and terrified. And y'all, for so long I was doing the thing that came naturally- I was fighting with all I had to get back to shore-and it kept me going, so I'm glad I did-but it didn't get me closer to shore. It did exhaust me though, and make me feel helpless. I was barely treading water when God opened my eyes to the life preserver sitting there next to Him with a big E on it. 

Now, after 6 weeks or so with E, and the moment we had last week where we both knew what I needed, I'm starting to understand what it means to let Him lead- a phrase E has used more, and one that has shown up in my devotional time too. Not only His leading, but His compassion and gentleness in doing so, which is salve to my soul! 

 It doesn't mean sitting back and doing nothing. It means showing myself grace in daily life, as I wrote about yesterday. It means pursuing and prioritizing time with Him and opening my heart in that time to know, be known, and let Him heal me through His love. It means practicing calming techniques and thought mapping exercises to help learn to combat the anxiety in ways I'm ready to right now, along with self care and feeding my body and heart and treating myself like I am a beloved child of the King. It means when challenges come, I have Him on my side, helping me decide what's best in each situation and giving me the strength to do it-whether it's saying yes and overcoming, or, if I'm just not ready, saying no and (hopefully) experiencing less shame. It means there's no rush, no timetables, no metrics I have to meet in regards to performance-and that big growth can happen in small ways. I hope to share soon the ways I'm seeing growth and change, and that maybe it will encourage your heart too. 

I have so far to go, but each day I become more confident that I'm on my way. 

Giving myself grace: bridging the gap in the road to routine, and body image: loving myself along the way

I have the tendency to be an all or nothing gal. I also thrive on routine, and feel more free to be spontaneous and mix it up when I have a consistent routine in place. None of this is a bad thing-it's good, because kids need structure and routine too. BUT- the flip side is that I struggle when I can't get the routine going, and as I mentioned earlier I'm an all or nothing girl by nature. So, for the past couple years as I've struggled to create and sustain routine, I've fallen into a "nothing hole" when I can't do it all. The cycle has looked like this: 

1: decide that starting on Monday (always and only Monday, amirite?) I'm gonna get up at six, eat, have devotions, work out, get dressed, get the kids dressed, feed them, have school, do Housework and go for a walk, all before lunch. 

2. Do that successfully for somewhere between a day and 2 weeks, then burn out completely, leading to

3. Do absolutely none of the above out of complete depression and hopelessness at what a failure I am, for probably at least a week, and become just disgusted with myself and we are back to step 1. 

I told E all this in our session last week, and she listened, then gave me the single goal of being gracious with myself over the next week. Try to get up at six if I wanted, try to get that workout done, but if not, be okay with that.no guilt, no sense of failure. Try, but let God lead. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I bristled a bit at this internally at first- NO! What I NEED is someone to tell me to suck it up and make it happen! Don't I? Then I heard her tell me I have all the right intentions, but I need to be gracious with myself. Also, My friend C has been telling me this for at least D's whole life. Hmm. 

So that was Monday night. I realized that I HAD actually gotten my workout done that day, though I beat myself up because I hadn't started till 4pm. But I had done it. So in the spirit of giving myself grace, I decided to take this one step, one day at a time. I didn't set my alarm that night. I think I woke up at 930 the next morning when Declan did. I got up, got the kids downstairs, decided priority one was devotions. So I had them pick a learning show and stationed them in front of it while I spent some time with God. Then, I let them free, did a little school with each of them, and I eventually managed to do my workout-before starting dinner that day! And when Scott got home I got on my bike! Success! Wednesday I had the same general plan, but rest instead of a workout, and I went for a long walk alone in the evening, taking Lexi with me for the first part. Thursday, same as Tuesday, but I got the workout done before nap time! And,  since Scott worked from home in the afternoon, I got on my bike by 4pm while Lexi played outside. Friday I got my workout done again before nap time and felt really accomplished and fulfilled. I did no housework that I can remember all week, the house was an absolute disaster, actually, and I didn't ever get up before 8am. But my mood was completely different, and i really enjoyed my time with my kids. 

All week I was telling myself  "this is ok. It's a bridge between where you were and where you're trying to get to. It's a big chasm and you can't jump it. Just focus right now on doing what matters most." What matters most is my spiritual and physical health, and those feed my emotional health, which allows me to enjoy and be present with my babies, instead of needing to retreat into my phone to escape all the negative thoughts that feed my depression and anxiety. All week I was rediscovering myself and getting a peek at the mama and wife I want to be. Scott and I also found ourselves having more quality time and less time of him talking me down from panic. All this from loosening the reins on myself a bit. 

I also found myself starting to enjoy working out again- after at least 6-8 months of "don't wanna" and "I'm getting nowhere what's the point" thoughts before, during, and after workouts, I started to feel like myself again and that is SO cool and encouraging. 

My body image is somewhere I need this new attitude, perspective, whatever it is, to take hold, and maybe it already has. I don't find myself obsessing as much about "is my body changing yet" since this shift. I have just been getting it in, being mostly intentional about food but not a slave to the calorie count, and living my life. I am trying to apply the same grace. You're not where you wanna be, but you are taking all the right steps. * Focus on the steps you're taking and know each one is getting you closer and let yourself enjoy the journey. The only one judging you is you. *

I feel like this shift in thinking could be life changing if I let it stick. I feel like as mamas especially, so many of us need to embrace this. I am so encouraged and looking forward to what comes next. 

Ladybug is Five

Oh, My Lexi. My vibrant, funny, brilliant, creative, expressive, passionate, emotional, energetic, loving, wild and crazy girl. I can't believe you're five already. Your baby years are behind us, and you're crossing the bridge from little girl to big girl faster by the day. I'm So proud of you in so many ways, and mystified by how quickly you've grown. 

You are so creative. If I'd let you-and I'm trying to, more and more-you'd "make art" all day every day. You get ideas and you want to dive into realizing them-which is amazing, inspiring, and...messy. Maybe this year we will work on cleaning up our messes more, so we can have more freedom to create. You love to paint, make collages, sculpt with play doh, draw, build structures from whatever you can find, put on plays, and more. There is no limit to your imagination. 

You are passionate beyond words. You get they from me, and I think that helps our relationship, because big feelings are very familiar to me-if they weren't, I'd be pretty overwhelmed, and sometimes I still am. You feel everything so very strongly, Ladybug, and while that's a gift, I'm praying for wisdom to help you modulate and rein it in- not for my ease, not for anyone's comfort, but for you, and your own enjoyment and freedom in life. The answer isn't that your feelings aren't real, that they don't matter, or they you need to choose otherwise. Your feelings and your passion and your connection to them are a gift, an intentional way God has made you, but like many gifts, they can be the source of our biggest weaknesses too. Mama is learning a lot about that now, and hopefully that learning will help me love you and help you better. I love your vibrance, and never want it to fade. 

You are so curious about everything-right now you're especially trying to get a handle on what's "in our world"'and what's imaginary. If something or someone *is* in our world, you want to see and experience it-or meet the person. Distance and celebrity have no bearing to you. I love that. Dream, sweet girl, because it's all in reach for you. I love that you want to learn and experience so much, and it makes me excited to take this learning and schooling journey with you, at your pace and in our own way. You also want to help teach your brother everything, and I think you'll be a big part of his learning journey too. 

Right now, Disney Princesses are everything.  I definitely made the right call getting you dolls of some of them for your birthday. I love watching and joining you as you imagine how fun it would be if they were all friends. Moana is definitely your favorite, and that makes me happy because she's the best role model. I pray, each time we watch that movie that, when the time comes for you to follow your heart that I'll be able to support and encourage you, no matter how far it may take you. Right now, though, my sweet princess baby, stay close to your Mama. 

Your spiritual journey is beginning in earnest, I think, and I both swell up and start to panic at your thoughts and questions, because they are deep and important and I want so badly for you to not just hear the answers but for them to be written on your heart in a way that brings you security and courage and comfort and wisdom. I love when you pray. It's beautiful, encouraging, heartfelt, and often comical, when you string together all the "spiritual" phrases you can think of. "Because of the lord will give you comfort in your heart and the spirit will peace and love and obey and always trust in the lord and be with you..."  oh, my Bug, I love you, and I will always pray with you and for you. 

You're a wonderful big sister, and even though you and Bub tussle from time to time, you love each other fiercely and the first thing he wants when he wakes is "SIS!", so it can't be too bad when you fight. I love watching you two cuddle and watch tv, or read books together ( you'll be reading to him for real so soon!), or play in the backyard. I know you're bummed you can't marry him, but I promise you can be best friends forever if you want. 

Lexi, I tell you all the time how glad I am that God gave me you. I tell you that you're the one I waited my whole life for, that you are my heart, my dreams come true. It's not that I love you more than Bub, it's that there is a unique love for a mama and her firstborn. Because as much as I adore him, *you* are the one I dreamed of for my whole life from the moment I was old enough to dream of being a mama-you were the answer to years of prayers and hopes and tears and waiting, and just like the day you were born- you are worth the wait. 

An Exercise in Boldness

I am not bold. I am generally outgoing, I'm warm, I'm friendly, but I'm not bold. I hate risk, and I especially hate if the risk is rejection. If I introduce myself to you or come talk to you one on one, it's a huge deal, because I am so insecure and I'm pretty much always sure I'll say the wrong thing. When I do push past this, it's because I know how much it would mean to me if someone pursued me, made me know they wanted specifically to talk to me, 

How much more does that apply to all the people who are struggling with, if not the very same things as me, something similar enough that knowing what I'm dealing with and how I'm finding my way would make them feel less alone and give them hope? 

Recently, and I don't think by any accident, at least a half dozen people, all of whom I really respect, have told me I have a way with words, or that I am a beautiful writer. I've always loved writing, it's always come easily to me when I write from my heart, and I've often wondered if it would ever be something I did "for real." I have so much to share that I feel could encourage and uplift, and I believe wholeheartedly that God has given me this life with its joys and challenges, to help others along theirs. I also have experience and familiarity with a lot of writers and know how tough the business is. But-if God has given me the gift and desire-He will provide the resources and the direction. 

So, I'm gonna pursue this. Not entirely sure where it's going, but I'm going to write, share, engage, pursue, and pray-a lot. Most of all, I'm going to be *me*. It'll be honest, authentic, and balanced with my priorities and where I am in my journey. Right now, that means I'm not trying to go full speed ahead, not trying to land a publisher and all that jazz, but rather to pursue health, mind, body and soul, and share that with you, and gently pursue widening my net. So, welcome to the wild (or maybe not!) ride! If you have thoughts or ideas or want to be part of me developing this, I'm all ears! 

If you're new to my blog, please feel free to go back and read to get to know me better! 

The Holy Spirit and Therapy

I did not really want to go to therapy tonight. I wanted to see E, wanted to share what I've been thinking and feeling and what God is showing me about Himself and myself, and where he's calling to my heart (and oh how my heart aches for Him, Y'all. How I am

hungry for Him, His Love, His Peace...His arms holding me close.) I wanted to share that I really am feeling that before I can heal

in practical ways, before I can test my limits and push myself into these uncomfortable situations, I need to develop some confidence. Above all else, I need to rediscover who God is, who He is to ME, how  much He loves me. I also need to discover, explore, embrace who I am. Who He says I am, just as His child, and the beauty of all

The individual ways He has made me ME. ON PURPOSE, y'all! Because who I am is going to bring him joy and glory. I feel so strongly that these things are going to help

me so much to approach the hard work with strength and confidence. 

I also feel like I need to get a handle on my everyday self care before I can go stressing myself out, if that makes sense. I feel like if I am not taking great care of myself *now*, with no actual extra demands on me, I'm

Really gonna shut down if I try to make myself do hard things. So I want to work on that too. Especially my mornings, which are, and have been, the tone-setters for my day. If I can make getting up, having devotions, working out before the kids get up, and keeping up baseline housework habitual again, if they are my normal, it will reduce the fear I have of everything collapsing that I think lies beneath so many of my more specific worries. For me, having a routine makes occasional deviation from routine less scary. But, the past couple years, I've never gotten to baseline normal, and I think that has stripped me of a lot of confidence as well. 

I did not want to talk about and start facing these fears when I don't feel like I have these tools that I think will make the job go so much smoother. I walked in there tired, drained, depressed, and discouraged. 

All that said, I am so bad at speaking up about my feelings, about what I think I need, and especially when I feel like someone else is an authority figure or more knowledgeable than me, and I worry about disappointing people if I'm not able to go with their plan, but I have more confidence with E already than almost anyone else, and when E and I started talking tonight about a specific anxiety to tackle, she heard me start to articulate some of this,  and I fully believe the Holy Spirit was there and told her what I was saying was important, because she got it, and took me in a different direction. 

Y'all, I never thought I'd be in therapy, because I assumed it would be aggressive and scary and high pressure, but God led me to E. I sensed it months before I contacted her, I sensed it when I first contacted her, I freaked out before my first session and almost bailed, I knew I was in the right place the second I met her the first time, I have known it during every session, and when I wanted to run last week, I reminded myself of this. Tonight He showed me again, that I am in the right place. As much as I want to be better, it has to happen the right way, and E gets that. She is listening to the Holy Spirit and not rushing toward an end result, because she knows that God will give us the result if we look to Him to take the lead. I am SO thankful for her. I am thankful for her balance of educating herself about the clinical psychology aspects of treatment and the spiritual warfare and healing needed and the source of that healing. 

I left tonight, not discouraged at where I am, but unburdened, because I will get better. Because God is guiding this, and E is walking through it with me. Because we are pursuing not a quick fix, but healing. I may struggle my whole life with some aspects of this illness, but it is not what God has for me to live in bondage. I am thankful for the healing I'm already finding, with a therapist who reflects the truth of my personal beauty back to me, who is more concerned with God's healing than speeding me through the process (it's different for everyone, of course!), and who gives me confidence and freedom to communicate what I need-and is listening! I felt ashamed at not being ready yet to face the fears, but now I feel

Excited because I know this groundwork is setting me up for lasting freedom, instead of band aid fixes that won't last. We are fixing the foundation issues before we try to rebuild, which just makes sense. 

Thank you, Father, for your presence tonight, and for helping me recognize it. Thank you for E, for leading me to her,  and the mission and calling and even ministry you've given her through her work. Please bless, renew, and encourage her heart, and bless her. Please keep opening my eyes to your work and presence in and around me, and help me make intentional and wise use of my time. Thank you for your healing and your love. 

Thoughts on Mental Health

A lot of what I have to say has been said before, but when someone asked me today what I thought contributed to my feeling better this morning than in months, I realized I had SO much to say to answer that. This is going to be stream of consciousness again and will veer off on a tangent or two, but hopefully I can keep it connected and coherent. 

 

First, I want to say that I've known for years that mental health was as real and important as physical health. That is not new to me. But what has had to evolve and is still evolving is my understanding of how it relates to and interacts with my faith. That's where it gets sticky, because a vast majority of the "church people" I've known until recently have believed, or at least communicated that they believe that there is a choice involved in this. I think that's where a lot of distinctions need to be made. I'm not making the choice to wake up choked in fear or blanketed in sadness (or on very special days, both!) before my eyes open each morning. I'm not choosing for the breath to be sucked out of my lungs when something (as overused as this word has become) triggers me. I don't choose for these thoughts to pop up and consume me. What I do choose is to keep fighting against them every time-to get out of bed each day-even during the darkest days I have gotten up every single morning and cared for my children and, so some extent, myself. Even though the pain of the moment and the fear of what's to come have been unbearable, I am still here. I have not chosen to give up by death or give in and lay immobile. I have not chosen to abandon my faith even when God seems so far from me in my darkness, because I choose to search for him and ache to hunger for him even when my mind tells me he's either abandoned me or was never there in the first place. 

The "let go and let God" mantras are great-they are, and valuable in their place, but they don't meet you where you are when where you are is hanging onto hope by a thread. E asked me if I've ever been suicidal, and instead of a yes or no, I said this: "I have wanted to escape from the pain. I have never  felt I personally am worthless or my life was not worth living, but the thought has popped in my head as an escape fantasy when I can't imagine another way to feel better. I would never do that to my children though, and I know, that beyond all this pain, in reality, my life is beautiful."  She said she totally understood and that yeah, relief can be found and calm reached, by having that thought cycle. (Even in that, she gets me.) 

Something I've wrestled with it's been said or implied that I'm not praying enough, don't have enough faith, or I don't *want* to let go of this. I've been told "God has given you a big brain, and you're very smart, but you think/dwell too much" like it's a choice, and I'm willfully sinning by remaining in this state or returning to it often. And I feel so troubled by that-because when I'm given criticism I really do try to take it to heart! It's taken me so long to be able to accept for myself that this is real and it's not a sin (any more than any imperfection in our world is caused by sin from the Fall), it's an illness. And while it would be possible to give in and give up, and that might be walking outside God's plan, this is not. I'm learning that when folks don't understand, yeah it hurts, but also I can find a moment to be thankful on their behalf, because, while we all have struggles, clearly theirs is not this one, and that's the gap. Not to mention there is a spectrum on which people are capable of empathy, and while I'm on the extreme end of the spectrum ( my biggest marital scuffles happen because I feel his feelings and take them personally when they often have nothing to do with me), most people are not.

The biggest distinction that I see needing to be made is between *being/feeling* depressed/anxious and *having* Depression/Anxiety. We all have times of feeling depressed or anxious, but for most, these are not chronic states of being. In many cases a healthy mind can choose to focus in what's positive and realistic and overcome. And that's where a lot of those motivational phrases can encourage! But when your mind is ill, it's just not that way, and even well meaning encouragement or exhortation can do more harm than good. Its analogous to a broken leg or cancer. Would you tell a person with a broken leg to just stop focusing on that and go for a run? Would you tell a person with cancer to just forget about that for today and have fun? It would seem ridiculous to sit next to a vomiting person and ask them how long they are going to be like this. I like the broken leg or cancer analogies specifically because they can and often do heal, but require rest, time, and treatment-just like mental illness. 

I think another area that needs more understanding/less stigma, particularly in Christian circles is getting clinical help. Most Christians are comfortable with "counseling", especially if it's from a "christian counselor" or a pastor, but many balk at seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist (I've already been amused to hear people change my reference to my *Therapist* to "counselor", but maybe they are interchangeable to people?) , or I've heard it said that psychology "is using man's wisdom instead of God's." I'd point to the above, and ask if they'd recommend getting someone off the street to set a broken bone or treat their cancer. God has gifted people in many different ways and on purpose-lets not dismiss that. Now, I personally find it very important to see a therapist who shares my faith, but I definitely don't think it's wrong to seek help from someone who doesn't. I also think that there are many wonderful Christian Counseling centers and practitioners out there, I just knew my situation was dire and I wanted the big guns. 

----Here's a tangent related to Christians and psychology that I want to talk on for a minute because it's something I've kinda just recently been able to articulate well. I was involved in a discussion about Myers-Briggs types recently, and someone piped up something along the lines of "we aren't God and we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we ought." Which is true, but I think dismissive of something very special and powerful that He has given us. I use Myers-Briggs (MBTI) to really try to understand people and it helps me relate to them and even give and receive love better by that understanding. It's not analysis for the sake of "I can put you in a box", but more "ok, you're an introvert, but you are in a career where people are demanding of your time and energy a lot. I can love you best by giving you space and time to recharge and not freaking out if you don't answer my texts for a day or 5." Or "you're an 'Sensing' type,  so you don't really naturally intuit or read into things-I need to be more direct with you and not assume you're going to figure out what I need from you." Or, "You're a Thinker vs a Feeler, so my overflowing well of emotions at all times seems a bit ridiculous and unnecessary to you. I can't/won't change that about myself, but I can try to rein it in a bit for you."  (btw my parents are both Sensing Thinkers and I'm an intuitive feeler- those are the core features in MBTI and it means our personalities function almost completely opposite. Yay! Hahahaha)  So, maybe psychology isn't playing God, as much as it's using another aspect of being made in His image to build and heal- just like being a medical doctor or a pastor or a teacher. Lets not put limits on the ways God can use people to be part of His healing. 

There are so many avenues of help available to us, and it's not one size fits all. For some, a psychiatrist, who can help diagnose you and manage medication, is the right avenue. Or a Psychologist like E, who can use different therapeutic approaches to help treat you, might be a better fit. Or maybe you don't think you need anything intensive and a Licensed Professional Counselor is best. Or maybe you just need to meet with a pastor or mentor regularly to talk things out and have someone who you trust to share what's going on. None of these is right or wrong, it's about finding what's best for you. 

I have had a long journey to get to where I am and the therapeutic choices I'm making now. I did take medication for 5 years, and then again for 6 months again, and it helped manage some things, but made others worse, and I cannot afford those things now or to experiment with what other drugs could do. I thought for a long time that my issues were purely chemical, and that therapy would not help, and then, when I started to realize that there was some actual emotional/traumatic connection too, I began to fear that opening up all that would be far worse. I came to a point, though, where I was hurting so badly I could no longer go on as I was, and I started looking, and found E on a website. It took me another two months to contact her. I'm so glad I did. The journey ahead will be challenging, but E truly cares and is willing to go slow and do what's best for *me*. I told her about the Jewel song with the lyric "Please be careful with me, I'm

Sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way." And she said "I LOVE that! and that's what we will do. We will protect that for you. We just need to rein it in a bit." 

One more thing I want to touch on tonight: please be mindful of co-opting mental illness in a flippant sense "oh my gosh I have so much anxiety about xyz" when what you mean is you're nervous, for example. Your nervousness is valid, but for some of us, anxiety is crippling and seeing our illness used flippantly feels like watering down or making light. "That crooked picture is killing my OCD lolol" -You can be persnickety or bothered by visual disorder or not like dirt and germs without having OCD. Having OCD is not something laughable to those who suffer from it. This isn't always a huge deal, but on a bad day, I know it can really upset me and others. 

Thanks for reading, y'all, and I look forward to continuing to share what God shows me on this journey!