My Nephew Peter

So, on September 11, 1982, a baby boy was born who would grow to be the love of my life. How fitting that it was on the same date (32 years later) that another young man who would make my heart swell in ways that were new to even this emotional soul would make his entrance?

If you've followed our story this year you know that there has been a lot of emotion and sadness wrapped up in the word and month September for me, and particularly for the second week of the month, when the baby we lost would have been born. God works through our pain to bring beautiful things though. My Sister in Law Megan (yes, we have the same name. ;-)) shared what was my due date of Sept 9, and I just wasn't sure how I'd  feel if the baby came that day. But he didn't. He came 2 days later, right on time, to share a birthday with my favorite man on earth. 

We were leaving my doctor's office after a great checkup, hearing baby's heartbeat, and just feeling great, when Scott asked me (cautiously) if I was ready to go see the baby. Surprisingly to both of us, I was, and I was even excited! When we arrived at the door to their hospital room, I took a deep breath to prepare myself for whatever feels would come, but NEVER could I have been prepared for what I felt when Peter was placed in my arms. I fell in love. My heart swelled. I was healed. I cried, and could only blubber to Mike "he's so beautiful." Over and over. Any pain I expected never came. God set up a perfect morning to show me so much, about our baby and also just the magic of being an aunt to this sweet little man, who just by being him and looking just a teeny bit like his 2 year old cousin, healed something in me that I never expected. The pain of September is no more. I still feel sad for the loss, but I don't feel pain or anger, for the first time in almost 9 months. God used a boy not 12 hours old to do that, and I am so thankful. 

As a bonus, Lexi got to love on him too, and hear him cry (yay practice!) and even repeatedly tried to take and hold him herself! 

Just a few pics: 

Aaaah! Update! (16 weeks)

Ok, it's been far too long since I've updated. Let's just say it was an eventful month. The day after our 12 week appointment, we found out our dear (if not super close in recent years) friend Patrick Holyfield was days away from passing away from a fast moving and agressive cancer. Four days after that, he did. That week (and really, the few following it too) was/were brutal, and kicked up my anxiety, which had been less of a battle this time up to that point. I'm triggered, I've discovered by intense negative emotion, even unrelated, to fear for the baby, and this was a big issue. Then, I tried my new pregnancy workout, and had some after effects that weren't a cause for alarm, but made me feel anxious, so I've taken it a bit easier other than walking the past couple weeks. I plan on working the yoga back in and returning to my walks at the gym too. 

My doctor had said I *could* expect to feel the baby move as early as 14 weeks, and since then, I've been on high alert, and maybe a little bit desperate to start feeling what we in our home call "the bomps" . I think I've felt something fairly distinctive at least once or twice, but obviously at 16.5 weeks it's still early and baby is still pretty tiny (about 5 inches long) so, I'm trying to be patient and exercise my trust muscles. 

We had our 16 week appt last Friday (9/12/14) and it went perfectly. Belly is growing, blood pressure is good, and best of all, baby has a big healthy heartbeat! Yaaaaaay! Something else awesome happened that same morning, but it/he deserves his own post. 

Here's a couple pics! 

15 weeks:

16 weeks:

12 week OB visit for Lil Valentine

I wrote this post earlier and then got a phone call and lost it. *insert tears* So, here's hoping round 2 is just as eloquent.  *insert laughter*

So, today we visited my doctor for my 12 week visit to check on Lil Valentine, and I guess me too. It was easily the quickest we have ever flowed through the check in/triage/waiting/waiting in exam room/seeing the doctor process ever, which was really good, because even though my belly is growing and I have all the reason to feel confident about Lil Valentine's well being, we all know fear -especially irrational, lie based fear- is a struggle for me, and I've felt anxious off and on all week. Part of that is because this is the 12 week visit, and, even though all was well with Lexi at 12 weeks, the visit was scary. It went something like this: 

As Dr Reutinger readied the Doppler, he told me that sometimes at 12 weeks or wasn't possible to find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and in that case, he'd send me down the hall to get an ultrasound. After a few long minutes of searching, he said "well, you get to go see your baby! That'll be more fun anyway." (I love my doctor so much.) The next 15-20 minutes while we waited for that ultrasound were terrifying. However, as soon as the ultrasound tech touched my uterus, she said "Oh! I see the heartbeat with my naked eye already! Let me zoom in!" Lexi was totally fine, and looking much more like a baby than the month before. 

I still didn't want to relive that experience though. And according to the measurements from last month, this 12 week check would be 4 days sooner in baby's development (11w5d) than with Lexi (12w2d), so how could I expect to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler? so we prayed specifically that Dr Reutinger would find Lil Valentine's heartbeat with the Doppler and that the visit would be totally positive and smooth.

God is *so* good to us. 

Dr Reutinger said all my bloodwork and vitals look good, and we chatted about how I feel, and then he felt my belly and helped me feel the "lump" that is my growing bump, and said that was right on target. Then he gave me the same speech about the Doppler, and we listened. At first there was nothing. Then we heard a slow heartbeat, which was clearly mine, because it was far too slow. After a bit longer I started to become a bit afraid, but suddenly there it was. The most beautiful sound a pregnant mama can hear. We listened to Lil Valentine's heart a-beatin away for a good bit, and the rest of the chat with my doctor is kinda a blur now. God answered my weak and anxious prayers, and I am so thankful and humbled. 

This first trimester wasn't as free from fear as I'd maybe hoped, but I have to say that through prayer with Scott, on my own, reading and repeating scripture and truth, and the prayers of others, it's been far better than I expected. You know what else? Every time I have asked God for reassurance he has come through-not for proof, but for peace and confidence in his love for me. And he has answered every specific prayer for this baby so far, from the Doppler today, to a strong heartbeat a month ago, to a clear and not ambiguous at all pregnancy test in late June. I am so thankful and so blessed. 

It is sometimes hard for me to absorb and process the positive truth, particularly after I've been struggling with fear for awhile, so today required a lot of marinating on the blessing of that heartbeat and being past the first trimester (essentially) and the excitement that I'm only a few weeks away from feeling movements, and all the good stuff. Things are good. This is real, and I'm learning every day to bask in the truth and shut out the lies. 

11 weeks, 5 days, and as my mama said, "whoa girl! There it is!" 

Pregnancy Fitness

So, I've been holding off on this post to kinda sort things out with my energy level and my mind, which is honestly my biggest problem in pregnancy-I have it really easy physically, no symptoms to speak of, except more napping, and absolutely no morning sickness. But mentally/emotionally, it's a battle. The losses we've suffered combine with my battle against the lies I've shared that haunt my mind into a crapstorm some days. So far it hasn't been as bad as with Lexi, and I'm hoping it'll stay that way, with a combination of prayer, staying in God's word, and reminding myself of what's true. 

So, fitness. Early in my pregnancy (before I knew) I had modified my cycle performance to try to keep my heart rate lower, and planned to stick with that and the Jillian Michaels workouts I was doing through my first trimester. Well, the same week I found out I was pregnant (probably not coincidentally) my sleep schedule got all messed up and I just wasn't getting up early enough to work out. Also, when I went to cycle class, I experienced cramping through and for about two hours after class. Now, I knew that most likely this wasn't a problem, as exercise causes uterine contractions even when we aren't pregnant, we just don't feel them. However, with my anxiety issues, I knew I should back off, for my own sanity. Boy was that frustrating. So, since then, I've been waking for the hour I would be in cycle class, and averaging about 3.5-4 miles in that hour. 

Yesterday I tried out a new prenatal yoga DVD, and loved it. I'm sore today, which feels amazing, and I feel like I've built a great prenatal fitness library that shod keep me strong and not bored the next 6.5 months or so. :-)

My plan for the next few weeks is to practice yoga 4 days a week, walk at the gym twice a week, and be as generally active with the family as weather and energy will allow.

Starting late August or early September, I'll work my Andrea Orbeck Pregnancy Sculpt workout into the rotation twice a week and start varying the yoga between the different DVDs I have. I have calendars mapped out for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I'm a planner like that.  I feel like this will keep me strong and prepared for birth and as smooth a bounce back as possible. 

I'll try to blog regularly about how all this is going, physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably share pictures. I definitely want more of a record of this pregnancy experience than I created last time. I can't believe it's almost 1/4 of the way over! 

Here's my little bump: (it's really hard to photograph so please excuse my face! 

Ladybug Girl, Age Two.

How is it you're already turning two years old? It was mere moments ago I felt you wiggling inside me, wasn't it? Seems like I just saw your sweet face the first time, seconds after you met the world, before the cord that connected us was even cut. How is it that our first nursing was two years ago, and our last five months ago? That primal moment when you were fresh from my womb and I kissed your head and smelled your hair and knew you were *mine*, and all I had waited for. I can still smell that moment if I close my eyes. I hope I always can.  

Alexandra, Lexi, Lil Bug, Peanut, Cookie. You answer to so many names, because your Mama is fond of nicknames, and that's fine with you. You are the sweetest, most affectionate, tender soul I've ever met, and your capacity to love others and bring Joy and sunshine into their lives astounds me. You love openly, freely, without reservation or fear of rejection,  and it inspires me to love more like you, because even at barely two, you love like Jesus. You were fifteen months old when I was first told how a baby was crying in the nursery and you ran to find a toy to comfort her. Daily you sweep me away with not only being the cuddliest cuddle bug this cuddly mama ever dreamed, but capable of the sweetest moments of spontaneous affection I've ever experienced. I love when you reach up and pull my face down  to kiss, or when we are at the park and you stick your face between bars and pucker up until i meet you there. Everyone who knows you knows you are the sweetest and most joyful child ever, and I'm so glad and blessed beyond words to get to be the primary beneficiary of that! 

You are two, and even you have some rebellion and sass in you. I'm praying for wisdom and strength to know when and how to discipline you, because I'm a softy, and you are terribly sensitive. I'm learning daily what battles to pick, and how when you seem you be extra mischievous, you're really just asking for more attention and focus. I'm learning as you learn, Sweet Bug, and we will be patient with each other. 

As I have always dreamed, but never dared actually ask God, you are the ultimate girly girl. You love having your hair done, particularly in "Baid" (braids) and ask daily for some of mama's makeup. Your favorites are,  "Bip?" (lipstick), "cheek?" (Blush stick) , and "pahko!" (Sparkle eyeshadow). I love it. You get so excited about new clothes and shoes and I laugh when you strut and dance around because you feel pretty. I love the humongous grin showing all your teeth and sparkle in those green eyes when I tell you are the most beautiful. Because you are, my love, inside and out. 

You're learning so quickly, and sometimes I realize that I can try to direct and focus what you learn, but you are gonna pick up and run with concepts I never even concieved of! I have been working on colors with you, and you're getting there, but yesterday you picked up a white crayon and announced "WHITE!" My jaw dropped, because, though I've read color books with you over and over, *I* have never taught you white. Now you show me that crayon over and over to impress me. You like making your Dadda and I proud, and I hope we do a good job of letting you know how proud we are of who you are every step along the way. I love watching you learn and grow and develop new skills. 

You definitely inherited the music gene, probably mostly from Dadda, but I hope a little from me too. You love to sing and play instruments, and I love to listen. Lately you've been very into me singing to you during cuddles, and also having me sing silly songs for you to dance to. I love making those memories with you. 

Watching you with your dolls and with babies you meet, I see clearly that you are very nurturing and maternal. When we gave you your baby penguin plush the other day, your first instinct was to lift your shirt and nurse it.  I'm so excited to see your loving and tender self as a big sister soon. You will be so sweet and helpful and love the baby so much! You already like to kiss my belly. You like to tell me also that you are gonna be a big sister like Elsa! 

 We don't watch a ton of TV, but you are passionate about the few things we do watch. You love Blue's Clues, Color Crew, Clifford, Daniel Tiger, Frozen, and of course, Gobble Gobble! (free birds). I love watching you enjoy these characters and sing and dance along.

Your favorite books are, "Little Blue Truck", its sequel, all the Ladybug Girl books, all your Sesame Street books, your word books that we use to practice talking, and most of all, your bible. You ask for it constantly and also carry around my first bible, a white New Testament given to me in 1986. I pray you'll always be so passionate and connected to God's word. 

Our family has really enjoyed the Zoo this year so far, and I look forward to many more trips! You especially enjoy the prairie dogs, Bears, tigers, cheetahs, budgies, Penguins, and all the animals you can feed and pet. 

Lexi Bella, I could go on about you forever. I am so honored to be your mama, and watch you grow, and teach you new things. This next year is going to be a new adventure, but I know it's going to be wonderful to adventure with you, my heart.  I love you. 

Lil Valentine: the story so far.

So, I've been quiet about this the past few weeks, but WE ARE HAVING A BABY!  We went to see my doctor yesterday, had a perfect ultrasound, saw the baby, saw and heard a beautiful and strong 165 bpm heartbeat, and were told that everything looks perfect! Our Estimated Due Date is March 1, so I'm saying February, and calling this baby my "Lil Valentine". I've always wanted a February baby, because nobody on either side of our family has a birthday in that month! 

So, here's the story so far: when I didn't get pregnant in April from our first round of Clomid, I was really discouraged and sad. But we felt like God put this desire for another child on our hearts, so I took the clomid again and we tried again. I'll admit, I wasn't super hopeful, but I kept praying and fighting to trust God. 

June 17 was the day I expected my period, and I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test that day, even though I had no symptoms. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning needing to use the bathroom, and thought "well, guess this is it!" And went ahead and tested. The test looked negative in those first moments, and I went back to bed, a little dejected. Now, in the few more hours I slept, I had *two* dreams that the test turned positive before I looked at it again. So, when I woke up, I looked at the test again. Sure enough, there was a faint but visible second line. I showed Scott, who saw the line too. But you know, the instructions say ignore any change after ten minutes...so we decided to test again in a week.

Over the next week I prayed a lot, pouring out the desires of my heart to God, but also asking Him to give me peace and patience for His timing.  Toward the end of the week, this became my mantra when my heart would feel heavy: "when God decides to give us another baby, nothing is going to be able to interfere with that." And I felt much less nervous about what the outcome of that next test would be. I continued asking God for a baby, but also began to rest in knowing His timing is perfect. 

On June 24, I woke up at 2:38 AM and had to use the bathroom. Again, I thought "well, guess I have to test now!" And I did. This time though, as I watched the test develop (I've tried countless times not to look till 2 min and nave never succeeded), I had to blink and run my half asleep eyes as I watched a second line appear on the test. It was just like the day we found out about Lexi, and just like that day, Scott was skeptical till he saw it himself. Then, his second reaction was "Woman, why did you have to do this at 2:30 in the morning? I have to go to work!" Oops. So, we tried, not too successfully, to get some more sleep. 

Because we don't know (and will never know) what caused our early losses, I wanted to be proactive but not paranoid this time. I called my doctor and asked if he thought I needed to supplement progesterone, and he ordered a blood test to see. I wasn't anxious, because if there was a problem, it was easily solved. But, in light of all we've been through this year, and the fact that again, I have no big glaring pregnancy symptoms (just like with Lexi), the fear started to creep in. The blood test had been on Tuesday, and Thursday morning I was crying out to God for help, for peace, for the ability to trust Him, because my fragile trust was shattered back in January, and I knew but needed to really *know* that this God I put all my hope in is worthy of my trust, even though I don't always understand the way things go. I was praying and crying out for help, when the phone rang. It was my doctor-not one of his nurses, who usually call to follow up, but my actual doctor. He told me that my bloodwork looked great! My progesterone was good and so was my pregnancy hormone. Praise God! My body was doing everything it should! The number he gave me for my pregnancy hormone level was higher than it ever was in January, so that was awesome too. And that call came exactly as I was asking God for reassurance. Amazing. 

The next 3 weeks passed very uneventfully, with many naps and varying levels of anxiety. I have an incredible circle of women (and a few men) who are patiently supporting me and encouraging  me and praying for us, and I am so thankful for all of them. I know God is blessing our baby through their prayers, and I thank God and ask his blessings on them daily. 

Yesterday's appointment was perfect, I feel good, if a little tired, and I can't wait to share this journey and this baby with all of you! 

Prayer response to devotional email 6/20/14

This week of the bible study I'm doing is about how Satan seeks to deceive and undermine God's love being real in our lives, and therefore our ability to live full lives. Yet again, completely relevant to exactly where I am. Today's devotional blog/email talked about the areas in which satan primarily attacks.

Abba Father,

Thank you again so much for making yourself and my need for you my very waking thought. Thank you for this hunger for healing that can only come from you and the awareness that time spent in your word and in prayer are the best ways to get that healing. 

Please help me to recognize when satan is shooting lies into my mind and my heart. Please help me to immediately see these lies for what they are, and cast them off. Please keep my eyes on you. I know the point of his lies is to turn my eyes on myself but I ask that you will keep them on you, so that I can see and experience in reality your love for me and live a full and abundant life. I'm only scratching the surface of what that mean, but I want more. Please protect me from mistaking these lies for truth and welcoming them in. I feel like that is one of the biggest struggles I have, and the source of my fear and insecurity.  I am desperate to change this, Father. Please make me stronger in you.

Please also enable me to protect my time with you in your word each morning. I know satan will try to interfere, tell me I don't have time, or that it's boring, but I know that your word is my best weapon against his lies, and I need it. Please help me to absorb more of its truth by the day and use this sword against him when he comes to poison my thoughts. Please feed my hunger for you and keep me hungry for your word, show me it's power and effectiveness daily, so that satan can never deceive me into thinking otherwise. 

Please strengthen my prayer life, and not let satan's lies about my worthiness or attempts at distraction keep me from it. Please protect me from ever feeling silly about calling out to you. Thank you for the way you bestow peace on me through the ability to talk with you. Father, I want to listen more for you when I pray, but I don't always know how, so I ask that you will guide me and prompt me. 

Thank you so much for this bible study, for the women who are writing it, and for the changes you are already making in my heart because of it. Please keep showing me how much I am loved.

Pregnancy tests and desperate prayers

"So I took a pregnancy test at like 4:30 this morning and at the time it looked negative, but then when I checked just now there was a plus sign. So I dunno if that's positive or an evaporation line (which I've heard of but never had), so an addition to my prayer request is that when I test again in a few days it's a very clear positive. And that I don't go crazy in the meantime, because I'm very confused. "

That's the message I sent to a few of my friends who I consider my support system right now. I'm totally exhausted mentally, emotionally, and  physically, the last due to not having had a good night's sleep in a month. Or at least not more than one in a row. The past 4.5 (especially the past 12 days) weeks have been some of the most difficult of my life, yet  the past 2.5 have been some of the most spiritually rewarding. This bible study I'm doing has been on point with what I'm facing every single day, and through it and being brave enough to ask for prayer and admit my brokenness and desperation for God's love, peace, and freedom from fear, I really feel I'm beginning to make progress. 

I was trying to be low key about taking the pregnancy test this morning. I did not plan on waking up with a desperate need to use the bathroom at 4:28 AM. When I took the test, and stared at it for a minute waiting for any sign of a line, I didn't really feel much. I left it on the counter, hoping maybe Scott would see it and I wouldn't have to bring it up. But here's the other thing-today is the day my period is "expected" but because of my irregular cycles, a negative test today doesn't neccesarily mean I'm not pregnant. I've never found out I was pregnant at four weeks-partly because I've only tested at four weeks a couple times. All three times I've found out at six weeks. I really do believe God's timing is best, and I'm beginning to find some peace in that, though it's still a struggle. Today is just a perfect storm of exhaustion, coupled with a very confusing test result. I don't want to have false hope, but I don't want to be negative nelly either. 

One thing that clicked with me best from yesterday's devotional message was the idea of recognizing when things are too big for you and actively handing them over to God. This is something that I find I have to do repeatedly with the same issues because I tend to try to take them back. Over and over. 

I find myself today in a place of desperation. Not for a baby, though my heart aches for that gift in ways I cannot express, my desperation is for peace, freedom from fear (because at times I feel so weighed down by it's chains), a sense of God's presence, open eyes and heart to experience in reality His love. I want to live joyfully today! I know that a life of "I'll be happy when..." Is no life at all, I learned that years ago. I also know that joy is beyond our circumstances and comes from the knowledge and understanding of God's love in our lives. I'm hungry for all of this, and I'm at a point of such deep need. I need his comfort, healing, presence, strength, I, like a toddler, need to be caught up in the arms of my Father to feel safe, loved, protected, and comforted. 

Abba, 

you know all that is on my heart, and all my weaknesses and struggles. You love me in my imperfection and you bless me with your people to show me love on this earth. I praise and thank you for Carol, Adria, Faith, Rebekah, Cindy, Ann, Jody, Julayne, Laura, Callie, Jewell, Chip, and all the others that you have loving on and praying for me. Thank you for Scott and his patience and strength to walk this journey beside me as a partner. Thank you for all the blessings wrapped up in Lexi. Thank you for the reminder of your love and faithfulness that her very life is. Thank you for how healthy, strong, and happy she is. Thank you for her cuddles and her laughter. Please guide me in parenting her with love and wisdom. Thank you for providing all our physical needs and for Scott's job.  Father, you know my needs.  I do ask that you will give us a healthy strong baby growing inside me, even now. I ask that the next pregnancy test I take will be a clear positive that we can celebrate! If this isn't the month, I ask that you will give me hope to keep going on this journey and joy in trusting in your timing. You know the challenges I'm facing mentally and emotionally and you have all the power to solve them. When my mind and heart become burdened and even before the enemy uses my weakness to attack, I ask that you help me to take those things to you and give me peace and joy that you are taking care of them in ways beyond my dreams. Please bless me with a sense of your presence and love wrapped around me like a blanket, protecting me and giving me security and peace. You are my hope and the only source of peace. I need you. 

Amen

Reflection and prayer response to today's devotional email

"If we allow a broken relationship to consume us, to take up too much brain space, it will create anxiety and despair. However, if we give it to God by faith, and seek to leave the consequences of our difficulties in His hand, then we are able to move forward, to cultivate hope, to learn the pathway of His love. When we meet Him at the cross and allow Him to take our broken hopes, we can leave with peace, knowing that He knows us and still loves us and has healed once and for all, the places of our own failures. Only as we live in this way, can we experience His love–when we forgive ourselves and when we accept His amazing accomplishment and victory in our lives.

It is my prayer this week that you will learn to live into the light of His promised love, that you will give your burdens into His capable hands and that you will accept your Father’s desire to love you and carry you through this world until you see Him face to face.

May you live free from burdens and worries to day, and rest in His amazing love."

~Sally Clarkson

That is how my devotional email from the You Are Loved bible study ended today, and it just resonated so deeply. This week's topic is about how satan wants to devour us and keep us from experiencing God's love for us, and I'll admit that relationships are one way I really see this in my own life. I take on far more than is mine and I call myself a failure when things aren't harmonious. Yet again this bible study it touching me right where I am and it's gotta be God's hand on my life that I am in exactly the right place at the precise time. 

Abba Father,

You know my scars, my bruises, my disappointments and separations from people. You know how I struggle with feeling like a failure, but you are also compassionate and know that I am weak and unable to fix everything on my own. Please help me to see myself through your compassionate eyes and take comfort in your love for me when I feel discouraged. Please give me freedom in knowing that all my mistakes and shortcomings are covered by the cross. Please write this truth on my heart, because it seems like it's something I know in my head but I'm not finding true freedom, peace, and joy in in my life. Please protect me from the attacks of the enemy who comes to steal my joy and keep me from experiencing your peace and love. I hate how often He is successful and I need you to build such a wall of truth around my heart that his arrows just bounce right off. 

Father, in this very moment I am struggling mightily with my emotions. I feel weak and afraid, and the lies that I struggle to confront and cast off are wrapping tentacles around my heart. Please help me cast them off and replace them with your truth. Please give me the strength and the heart to love people for your glory. Please heal my brokenness and give me joy and peace in you and what you are doing in my life. Father, I have moments when I feel so strong and have a sense of your presence with me and they are becoming days rather than moments, and I thank you so much for that. Please protect my heart and mind so that the enemy's arrows can't pierce through at a moment's notice and destroy the peace and joy and strength that you are providing. 

Please help me counter the enemy's attacks by keeping the eyes of my heart open to ways that you show me your presence and your love in reality each day. Please keep my eyes focused on these things and help me to embrace and take comfort in your love, joy, and peace. Please keep the reality of your love my reality and help me to recognize everything else as lies and shake it off.

Please give me the courage to live joyfully. Please help me not to try to find peace in my circumstances but to cry out to you for it, for my hope is only in you. 

When others are mistreating me or stirring up strife, please grant me an abundant measure of your love to pour out on them in response. Please keep me from responding unlovingly, and help me to hand the situation over to you to handle in your time instead of  carrying the burden myself and making it an idol. Please help me to recognize when I am carrying something and help me to bring it to you, as many times as I need to, until I stop trying to take it back.  

Father, please comfort me in your love. My heart aches and I know there is nothing in this world to heal it or calm my fears, but You are more than able. Please cast out my fears with your love and wrap me in your peace, holding me close to you. I need you, so much. Thank you for always being here with me and loving me. Please open my eyes and heart to see, experience, and truly live in your love. 

This song just came into my head:

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I see
For when Your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me

Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clear
Replace the lamp of my first love
That burns with holy fear

I want to take Your Word and shine it all around
But first help me just to live it, Lord
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown
For my reward is giving glory to You

Prayer reflection on Chapter 2 (You Are Loved)

Father, 

So often on this path of life when there are dark or shadowy times, my heart is filled with fear and I struggle to look to you for light and hope and direction. Please help me to know your heart better daily as I walk this path, so that I can better know your love for me and understand your will for my life. Father, for whatever reason I really struggle to translate your goodwill toward me from head knowledge to heart knowledge in the shadowy times. Please forgive me for letting the shadows overcome the light of all the ways you show your love for me every day. I ask with my whole heart that you reverse this trend in my life, that your love would shine so bright in my life before my eyes that the enemy's lies would not be able to get to me. Please replace the darkness of fear with the light of your loving desire to guide and bless me at each step along the way. I don't know why fear is such a struggle in my life, Father but I'm crying out to you to please deliver me from it. I know that you can. Oh Abba father please rid me of the fear of my heart so I can rest in your love as I walk this path of life. Please keep my eyes and heart focused on your character and how you display your love for me. Please give me confidence and security and peace in who you are and who I am to you. Please deliver me from fear. 

Please write on my heart the truth of Jeremiah 24:6-7 where you promise to watch over me for my good, build me up and not tear me down, plant me and not uproot me. Please Give me a heart to know you, that you are The Lord. I am yours, and you are my God, and keep me always close to you with all my heart. I need you, Father, to hold me close to you, especially in these times that feel so dark. Please give me peace and rest and joy in you. Please bring my heart so close to you that I understand deeply and experience in reality your deep love and commitment to me. 

Please help me to consistently be able to make time to spend with you, in your word, in prayer, in stillness listening, in your creation, and please help me come to you like a child-no agenda, just love. 

Father, even as I pray now, the fear is creeping in. I'm struggling to trust you to guide and order my life, and I know how foolish that is. Forgive me for trying to keep control and protect myself. Please deliver me from this fear. I need you, Abva. I can't get free on my own. I need you. Please make the ways you show your love, especially to me personally explode with light and cast out the lies the enemy tries to plant. Help me to answer His lies with abundant truth of your love. Thank you for this hunger I have for you. Please don't let it wane when times are easier, please keep me always hungry to know you more. Forgive me for the times I haven't made knowing you a priority. 

Walking the path

So, we all know that the core of my struggle is fear. We know that I'm particularly attacking that and asking for deliverance in my life in that area. This week the topic in my bible study is knowing God in order to better experience his love through knowing His will in our lives. Great concept, but I was feeling a bit discouraged that it might  not match perfectly with what I'm facing right now, and I am so so hungry for comfort and to be spoken to by God. Because I am hungry, I decided to continue to dive in and dig deep if I needed to in order to apply whatever God has for me to learn. Well, He has amazed me yet again, right when I needed it. Here is an excerpt from today's devotional blog post:

 "Learning to know the heart of God as we walk our path is the key to experiencing His love more consistently, and learning to understand His will for our lives. We have to believe in His good will toward us to be able to experience His ever-present love. We must replace the darkness of fears or bitterness with the light of His loving desire to guide and bless us at each step along the way. We can only rest in His love when we have rid ourselves from the fear of our heart as we walk the path of our life with Him. His love will lead us home. His goodwill and promise to be with us, will give us security."

As I read this, I literally had to set down my drink and pulled the iPad into my lap. This is for *me*!!!!!!! I need this! Yes!!!! This is what I struggle with the most, starting from believing in His good will towards us. Sometimes I have a really hard seeing the light and am sucked into the shadows, and so my head knowledge of His goodness and my heart knowledge of the same don't connect. I know that it's not enough to believe in his goodness when it's easy, but even more important to believe when it's not, because that makes the payoff all the sweeter. So I will pray these things for myself, and I'd love it so much if you'd pray them for me too.

Calling out the lies for what they are

This is what is true:

-I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful husband and daughter, all my physical needs met, a church family and some friends who live further away who give me incredible support. My life as it is is good.

-there is no reason to think we are not going to have more children, except my weird negative superstitions and believing lies, and all the reason to believe we will from a tangible medical perspective. I got pregnant with Lexi very quickly using Clomid, I am far healthier now than I was even then, and I did get pregnant relatively quickly last winter with no help. So I have all the reasons in the world to expect good things. 

Maybe if I exposed the lies as such it would help me. When I was struggling with anxiety when I was pregnant with Lexi, one of our dearest friends said this: 

"Stop pulling up a chair to the devil and listening to his bullshit."

Now, that's in context of a much larger email, and not as harsh as it sounds, especially considering the source is someone who loves me, is in the foxhole with me, and is the closest thing I've ever had to a true big brother. 

And, he's absolutely right. I think that's probably my biggest struggle emotionally and spiritually. I hear all the lies, and I start to believe them and dwell on them as truth instead of walking away or slamming the door. Some of these lies are the same lies I was struggling with two years ago when i got that email. 

Lies:

-good things don't happen to you. LIE-Lexi. Boom. Scott. Boom. Trip to the Philippines when my life was falling apart.   Boom. Three life-defining good things. 

-"when you see someone else being blessed in the way you are praying for for yourself, it won't happen for you."---now, I know where this comes from, and I wrote about it the other day. This is a really tough one for me, especially in the area of having children. I know it's a LIE, because, again, Lexi. It's a hard one still, because of September baby, and because I haven't yet been strong enough to call it out as a lie whenever it creeps in. 

-"god won't give you another child unless you earn it"- it's hard to find words to explain this one, but it's a biggie. See, I'm constantly scrambling to figure out what I'm doing so wrong that's coming between me and another baby, and feeling tremendous pressure to do everything right. This is wrong on so many levels and that's why maybe it's the hardest to conquer right now. This is a LIE because:

       -we can't earn blessings or bargain with God. That's just not how it works. His blessings are free gifts, like His love. We can seek Him diligently and ask for freedom from the things that are keeping us from abundant life in Him, but there's no earning anything, particularly a baby.

      -it's not that I don't deserve blessing(I never could, so it's moot) it's that He has timing in mind that is absolutely right for my good and His glory. This isn't a punishment, it's a blessing. I fully believe that Lexi came to us at exactly the right time, and I certainly wasn't perfect then either! I think part of my struggle with trusting in His plan and his timing comes from a truth that the enemy twists in my mind. 

-"this side of heaven, we aren't promised anything concretely. " this is absolutely true, and for me it can be a very hope sapping and depressing thought. The answer is that we are to live each day pursuing God and His will in our lives, and finding Joy in what He has given us. And that's fantastic-it's something I am praying to be able to do better all the time! But at the same time, I am on the verge of tears right now because the idea of not having any more babies biologically as a possibility in God's plan is an exponential version of heartbreaking for me. I know that His plan is perfect, and if that were His plan, than it would be the best thing for me, but then why do I have this deep heart wrenching desire for it? Again, I have no reason at all to think that more babies are not part of God's plan, and many reasons to think they are, but the frailty of my mind takes "you aren't promised anything" and turns it into "you get nothing." Which is far from the truth.  I'm a mess, believe me, I know. 

At least one friend has brought up that it was "when I stopped stressing" I got pregnant with Lexi, as a way of trying to convince me to care less and therefore struggle less with this-and  I do appreciate it. Weelllll that's not exactly the case though. In October 2011 we discovered our first cycle of clomid had not resulted in ovulation. my fitness journey was going great at that point, and I started to feel like I wanted to see that through and maybe I didn't want a baby right now after all, but at the same time I felt like I didn't have time not to keep trying. So I took the clomid, we did the baby dance on the prescribed schedule, and got Lexi. That's what happened. That was going on three years ago, and I've now had that baby and reached and surpassed my fitness goals, in addition to Lexi, which is awesome. I know that biologically my liklihood of getting and staying pregnant is better if I can chill out and not obsess over it, and believe it or not I'm really trying to just focus on what each day has in it and enjoy that, but life is not helping me out in that area. Every time I start to feel content and patient, something pops up and either brings my hearts desire to the forefront by way of making me think I am pregnant or finding out someone else is, triggering my fear. 

So I pray. And pray and pray. I feel like I'll never get a break enough for my body to get a fair chance at a healthy pregnancy, but God is bigger than my body, and this is all about His plan. 

So, that's my heart dump for today. Thanks for your prayers. 

Working through things, praying off the lies

Today during my devotional time and after, I've been trying to identify the lies that are contributing to my heartache and root them out. 

One of the biggest is that I don't "deserve" more children, and that's why I don't have them.  It's a lie because none of us deserve children and God gives them to far less "deserving" people than me! The lie that my friends have 3, 4, 5 children in their twenties because they are more deserving is something I need to get out of my head. The truth is that God has a different plan for each of us, and there is nothing better and more fulfilling than that! So, with His help, that's one truth I hope to carve into a space a lie once occupied. I've believed that lie a long long time though. 

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from this struggle, but I'm so thankful I was able to have excellent devo time as well as a great workout this morning. I'm hoping to get a little more upper body work in during naptime. I know that the emotional strain of this time is affecting me physically, and I'm doing what I can to reverse that. I don't know how I'm supposed to relax enough for my body to let me get pregnant when I'm fighting this battle. But I hope that if I run back to God every time I feel the fear swell, He will bless me despite my humanity. 

My prayer for this part of the journey

Oh, Abba, 

Please grant me joy and peace on this journey. Return to me the magic and contentment that filled my days not long ago. Please give me patience and peace in your timing, keep me from comparison and the jealousy that saps my joy. Please deliver me from fear, making my trust in your perfect love so rock solid that there just isn't any room for it. Abba, I cry to you that even now you'd be making a strong healthy baby inside me. Please, Abba, I know I can never earn or deserve your blessings, but I'm asking all of this from you. Thank you for knowing all of me and loving and forgiving me. 

Psalm 86:15

So, the scripture reading for Friday, which I was unable to do until today was psalm 86:15. It's a fantastic and comforting verse, but I realized there was one part in particular that is extremely crucial to my struggle. 

The words "abounding in love and faithfulness" jump out to me. I've shared before that I have a complex that if someone else, particularly someone close to me, is being blessed in a certain area, that I won't be, at least not anytime soon. Now, maybe that came from the years I waited for Lexi and losing a child in tandem with a sister in law giving birth to a healthy one on my due date, but the fact that that same SIL and I both had healthy babies a month apart in 2012 should have fixed that, right? I guess the lie has been too deeply ingrained in my thick skull. Then January happened, a seemingly self-fulfilling prophecy. And now, again I find myself devastated by someone I love's blessing. This is the worst by far, and while this is in large part due to things that have been said over the years and comparisons and jealousies, and hurts, I have GOT to find a way to not be destroyed. I have to find a way to believe that God is *abounding* in love and faithfulness, which means there is more than enough to go around. I know in my head this is true, but I need Him to write it on my heart. I need Him to give me joy and hope and excitement for what lies ahead, because right now I am very low on all of those. The fear and pain right now are so great that I'm having trouble seeing anything else. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him. 

Poor in spirit, indeed

So, last week, our church started a sermon series on the Beatitudes(Matthew 5:3-12) with a teaching on v3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". The pastor talked a lot about being "at the end of your rope. Yes, I could relate to that. The past 7 months have been a lot of that. He also talked about crying out for help. So Scott and I really took that to heart, and even more often than usual began praying together, crying out that we are poor in spirit and need His help. Then Monday, I started a new bible study called "you are loved", which is speaking exactly to my heart through God's word and the authors of the bible study. I have been praying hard the past few weeks for healing in a certain relationship also, and was feeling burdened by it. I think my quiet times Monday through Thursday were some of the most powerful and uplifting I'd ever had. Then, Thursday afternoon, the person I'd been burdened about reconciling with contacted me to make up! I was ecstatic! I felt so blessed by God with this healing, I felt a tremendous weight lifted. Then, not long after, this person called me with some news. News that on it's face is good news, and something I should be excited about, but in fact devastated me. And God was with me, because during the whole conversation I was able to be cheerful and listen, but the second I hung up, I began to discinigrate. What I am going through personally is not the fault of this person, and because this is someone I love, I'm going to fight not to punish them for my own pain. But I honestly do not know how to cope, let alone be what they want/need me to he. I was broken down to begin with, and this has taken me to rock bottom. I have asked many close to me to pray, and I'm continuing to study God's word and pray, and cry out to Him. I'm truly at the end of my rope though, and finding it very hard to find hope that this dark time is ending anytime soon. I know God's ways are not our ways, and I am fighting to believe His timing and His plan are best, but I'm having trouble seeing love in this situation, where I am fighting to trust Him to fulfill my heart's desire, to find joy in each day, to not give up hope, to keep trying in the face of disappointment, and now, when I had barely started to get my feet under me again, I feel knocked down harder than ever by the blessing that I'm crying out for being given to someone in such close proximity to me that it feels like rubbing it in my face. What is He trying to tell me? I am so shattered and hurt and broken, I barely know how to go on. I'm turning back to Him and his word and begging him for comfort. Please please pray for me. Please pray that I will find strength and comfort and renewed faith in the waiting time, and that the waiting time would be almost over. Oh, please let it be almost over. 

Hoping and learning to trust.

So, here we are, in the "baby dance" phase of our second clomid cycle. I want to be optimistic and hopeful and expect good things, but I have to be honest, after last month, after 3 weeks of really being sure I was pregnant, I'm finding it hard to do either. I've decided to do my best to focus on what's in front of me, Lexi, my workouts, Scott, youth stuff, over the next 2.5-3 weeks, and I'm praying for the strength to trust. 

Here's the thing: I fully believe God has perfect timing, and I do trust that His plan is best. My struggle comes with the limbo of active waiting. If it's gonna be years or even many months before we are solidly pregnant with our next healthy baby, I don't want to be actively "trying" and hoping that whole time. It's so incredibly painful and lonely and heartbreaking and I flat out don't wanna do it anymore. I went through it for 10 months, lost a baby, and went through it for another 60 months before concieving Lexi, then started all over last September. Took 4 months, then 2 months in, another loss, and 2 months after that we started trying again, with the same dose of the same drug that gave us Lexi, i was pretty sure for weeks that I was pregnant, then came the heartbreak of finding out I was wrong. 

That's 74 times I hoped and was disappointed and twice I lost a baby I'd cried out to God for. That's also 78 times I've picked up the pieces and opened up to trying again. People tell me "just stop trying, trust God, and it'll happen when it should." Like it's that easy after all this. There is definitely truth in that advice, and I am fighting myself daily to trust, but here's something that frustrates me: if someone wanted a career, a promotion, to go to a certain school, or to achieve any life goal, you wouldn't tell them not to pursue it with all they have in them. And in all those things, hard work and determination make all the difference. But in my situation, passionately  pursuing my dream of having many children is seen as desperate and overly emotional and something I should just sit back and wait for. 

I've considered stopping putting myself through all this and just waiting till we have a house and can adopt, but there are two main issues with that.

1. That's not in line with what Scott and I both believe God has put on our hearts. We may adopt one day, but we believe God wants us to have another biological child, and that He is going to bless us for persevering.

2. If we leave it to adoption only, I'll never get the chance to nurse again. That might sound silly, but let me explain. My entire life up to December of 2011 I felt like a failure at anything I'd ever attempted. Then I watched amazed as God used my body to create and grow a new life, and then when Lexi was born, that same body grew and nourished a perfectly healthy child for a full year exclusive of any other food. (She had a few bites here and there, but milk was her nutrition.). I was able to continue nursing her another 7 months, and might still be going if we hadn't lost September baby. Nursing Lexi was a defining gift for me and my heart breaks anytime I consider that I might not get to do it again. 

God knows my heart though, and my situation, and I have to trust that He has something beautiful on the horizon. I'm really trying to, one day at a time. 

I need right now. You guys. I need prayers. I need hugs. I need to vent, a lot, but I'm too afraid of being seen as too needy to reach out to anyone directly. My heart is such a mess. I need. 

Goal setting

So, I need to fill my waiting time actively and productively. This will reduce stress, make time go faster, and hopefully keep me too busy to dwell. Some of these goals will have dates associated, some will be for the whole month/cycle.

They'll fall under these categories: spiritual, marriage, Lexi, fitness, home. 

Spiritual:

-consistent devotions/prayer/prayer for others

-spend more time preparing for youth lesson and praying for students 

-look for and list the ways God is showing himself trustworthy

Marriage:

-plan/execute date night weekly

-find ways to show appreciation for Scott daily

- pray for Scott daily 

Lexi:

-learning time daily (books, puzzles, singing, etc)

- outside time daily weather permitting

-spend time doing what she wants-she will never have me to herself again. Let's make the most of it. 

Fitness:

-continue push up program

-eat all calories

-stay consistent with workouts/cycle

-keep heart rate in safe zone during cycle

Home: 

-get living room/Lexi bookshelf/kitchen ready for storage unit (by 5/28)

- my/Lexi's closets/Lexi's room ready for storage unit (by 6/4)

-things rearranged/settled/house caught up (by 6/6) 

-keep up with housework chart (starting 6/6)

Deflated

So my period came yesterday. Disappointment isn't even the right word. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, frustrated, confused, and don't want to ride this roller coaster anymore. 

I'm struggling with my faith more this year then I ever have before, and I have to ask myself why. I mean, I know the events that have led to this fearful place, but why have I become so afraid and so unable to trust? I keep coming back to the concept of where my house is built. If God is a solid rock, and my trust is in Him, then I'm safe. But I don't feel safe. I feel like every time I get my feet under me I'm knocked over by another wave. Is my house built on the rock but I'm not there? Am I standing on the beach instead? I believe that He loves me and has my best in mind, but I  am having so much trouble following on a path I can't see far ahead on. I feel like if I'm not going to have another baby anytime soon, if clomid is not going to work, then I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be wasting my time and emotions trying. If now isn't the time, then I don't want to be trying now, just suffering month after month of heartbreak. Not to mention the fact that we only get so many shots with clomid. But, you know what, God knows all this. He does. And He is calling me to chill out and trust Him. 

Scott has started saying to me "don't try to run the whole race today." And he's right. I just need to live each day doing what's given to me that day and not be overwhelmed by all that lies ahead. So hard for me, when my struggle with fear is so deep. But I need to practice now finding peace and trusting Him, because like I said yesterday, I do not want to live in fear and miss out on the magic of being pregnant. I'm a tiny bit relieved, because a little more time to wrestle through and ask God to change me might have a huge payoff. So, you might be seeing me wrestle with this as well as my physical journey over the next weeks. I'm hungry for heart change in this area, and if you're reading this, I have three prayer requests:

1. That I would truly be able to rest and trust in God's plan, and know and believe that He has something better coming than anything I see passing me by.

2. That I would find joy and peace in this journey, that they would replace fear and sadness. That the remainder of our journey to concieving and growing baby two would be healthy, happy, and low on fear and sad tears. 

3. That the clomid and the timing of our baby dance this month would result in a healthy, strong baby who will grow and grow, be born fully cooked, and grow up to love Jesus. 

Faith not fear

Folks, I feel so overwhelmed. I haven't tested yet to confirm that I'm pregnant-we were planning on waiting 2 more days, but may test tomorrow-but I'm more sure than I've ever been. And possibly more afraid. I've said that I don't need to know why we lost September baby, and I don't, but I'm really struggling to find hope that this pregnancy will turn out differently. I guess it's because I don't feel like I have anything concrete to pin my hope on. And then I'm reminded of a hymn: 

"My hope is built on nothing less 

than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground is sinking sand"

There's my answer, I guess. And how appropriate that it ties into the lesson we discussed at youth group this past week. We talked about storms and the parable of the wise man building his house on the rock. The question was posed "why do storms scare us?" And one student responded with an answer that said it all: "because we aren't in control of the situation."

Boy does that ring true for me, especially in the area of pregnancy. In every other area of my life it's been exponentially easier to trust God to take care of me than in this one. I don't worry much about money or my own health, I care a lot about relationships, but nothing rivals the way I feel/worry about having babies. Part of this is related to a complex I have about my ability to have children being a measure of my value, and I'm working on resetting that, but right now the bigger part is this: I have spent my entire life wanting to be a mother, and nothing else, and yet having babies has been the biggest challenge I've ever faced. Getting pregnant is the first hurdle, and that is rough in itself, but then staying pregnant may be a challenge too? It just feels so scary to fight for hope and faith just to have my heart broken. It feels terribly risky, and I'm terribly risk averse. 

I know that my attitude should be just to submit to whatever He has for my life, and find peace that it's the best for me. That's the faith that I know is best. I struggle though, to find the balance between that and the passionate person God has made me to be. 

I do not want to spend the next 7.5 months (or however long if I'm not pregnant now) in fear. I don't want to spend the next 3 weeks before I see this baby's heartbeat in fear. I want with all my heart to enjoy pregnancy, to celebrate all the "oh wow" moments instead of creating "oh no" moments. I don't want to look back and say, "I did it again, I was silly, worried over nothing, and missed it."

Father, 

You know my heart. You know my deep deep desire for more children. You know my heartache and my brokenness. I am crying out to you for strength, for the ability to trust you, to hope and to enjoy. I'm asking you now that I would be pregnant right now with a strong healthy baby. Im asking that that baby will be born fully cooked and fully formed. I'm asking you to please relieve me of fear, that I can enjoy the Gift and the beauty and magic of the child growing inside me. Please fill me with peace and joy such that there is no room for fear. Please make this time so different from the others. I need you. I cannot handle this on my own, my heart is too weak. I need you, I need you, I need you. 

The struggle is real

I'm continuing to be frustrated with my workout performance. It makes me both hopeful (that I'm pregnant) and annoyed (because if I'm not, this is not ok, and I didn't go through this early in my pregnancy with Lexi...at least not that I can remember). I got through level 2 of Killer Abs today and did fairly well, modifying as needed, and taking an inordinate number of breaks. I'm trying to be patient with myself, and let myself hope a little that this is for a good reason. 

I'm also a bit cranky that I went to bed late last night so I'm a bit tired. And cranky that my belly feels so bloated (trying not to read into that) that I might feel gross in my new swimsuit if I wear it today to lay out. 

Today is day 28 of my cycle. Normally that would mean nothing, since my period has never come on that day, however, this month it's a day that I could conceivably (hahahahaha no pun intended) take a pregnancy test. But, we've decided to wait. I thought maybe I'd take it Sunday, for Mother's Day, but Scott wisely advised against that. So, the plan is to wait two more weeks, at which time we should be able to get a clear answer and either make a dr's appt to see the baby on ultrasound, or start provera, depending on the answer. So, there's where we are.  

Today has been hard so far.

I woke up with that moment of "I have something to be excited about!" Like Christmas morning or the day you are going on vacation. Then I remembered-well, maybe. I've never struggled so much with the waiting. I mean, I suspected I was pregnant in December before it was time to test, but I suspected even earlier this time and I'm a little afraid I'm going to be let down, and I'm a lot afraid to hope. 

Losing September Baby didn't destroy my faith, though it's still pretty shaken up. I don't understand why God allowed my broken heart to be blessed with hope and then let that hope be shattered. I may never understand. And on one hand, I don't need to. On another, I'm finding in this process that I have to find some way to believe and hope that we are going to have another healthy baby, or I'm going to spend my entire pregnancy (starting now, or in a month or two) miserable and paralyzed by fear. I can't live like that. I want to celebrate and enjoy the pregnancy I've waited and prayed and cried out to God for, I want to enjoy it with a freedom I've never had to enjoy pregnancy. 

Will you pray for two things for me? 1:That I'm pregnant right now and the baby will be healthy and strong and cook long enough

2: that I will be free from fear to enjoy and celebrate this next pregnancy.

All the whys

So this morning during our walk I started a familiar line of thinking:

"If you're not pregnant this month you could just close the door and not try to have more children. Look how wonderful Lexi is. Look at how fit you've gotten. You could keep your body and your one easy child and just enjoy it without having to go through all this limbo and risk and heartache."

Now, I'm fully aware that this is fear masking in contentment. It's me trying to protect myself. The best things in life come with a bit of risk, and in my experience, motherhood is the very best. 

So I then asked myself, "why do you want a baby so bad?" And there are many reasons! One is that I love being pregnant. I love all the magic and growth and bonding and promise that comes with it. I found giving birth an incredible experience, even with a 57 hour labor. Maybe the biggest immediate reason I want another baby is because I want another *baby*! I love babies, and when Lexi was one I thrived. I knew what to do from the first moment and it was just what I was MADE for, the nursing, cuddling, diapers, all of it put me in my element and I crave it again. The second big reason, equal to this one is that I really want Lexi to have a sibling. I was an only child for a long time, and even once I had siblings, they were so much younger that it felt more like a constant babysitting job than the siblinghood I saw in other families. I want Lexi to have what Scott did growing up, the opportunity for a built in best friend. They may not be close due to personality, but even in that there are lessons and growth.

There are other reasons, like my fear that if I don't have a ton of kids I'm useless as a woman, or that I'm less than other women because it's harder for me to have them, but I'm choosing daily to ignore these lies. 

The only reasons *not* to keep trying are selfish ones, so I can rest fairly securely that we are on the right path. I'm still gonna keep praying that there is a little person growing right now! 

More of the same

I'm writing about this a lot, but it's because if I have to go through this whole TTC thing again in a couple years I want to have a record of what it was like this time around. And because talking things out is how I process and feel better, instead of letting them build up in my head. So, this is gonna sound a lot like some posts from late December and early January. 

A lot of little things are making me think I'm pregnant. It started way too early in the cycle for me not to feel like a crazy person, though, and that's why I'm struggling so much I think. Or maybe I'm fighting hope. I want to hope, but in light of what we've been through recently, hoping seems foolish and seeing signs of pregnancy three weeks into the cycle seems even more so. I had suspicions in December, but not as early as this time. I was right though. It's mostly the same stuff: weird feelings in my lower abdomen, nausea from time to time (especially during my morning workout), decreased performance during these workouts, flatulence (I'm being real here), elevated heart rate, shortness of breath-these last two occurring at unexpected times for someone at my fitness level, dizzy spells, weird dreams (though not too crazy yet this time)...I dunno. It's mostly the exercise stuff. I just don't know what to make of it, and I don't know if I'm more frustrated by the decreased performance itself, or the fact that it's making me hope. I think the latter. I don't feel like these workouts are particularly difficult or intense, but my body isn't responding to them as I'd expect. It's not my muscles getting fatigued, it's my heart rate jumping that's forcing me to take breaks. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. I just don't know. 

Deja vu all over again

My period isn't due till Thursday, but I feel like someone might already be growing inside me...at least I hope so. 

Because if not, I'm very frustrated. My workout performance last week was abysmal compared to what it has been. Also, I'm feeling bloated and swollen round the middle and holding a few extra pounds, for no discernible reason. These things, if unaccompanied by a baby, are really disheartening. If there's a baby, I can accept and embrace them. If there's no baby, I can push through and perform better, I can clean up my food, drink more water, whatever. Time will tell, but I'm struggling in the meantime. Blar. 

Scaling back

Well, sort of...

The past few weeks I've been practicing listening to my body more in my resistance training and in cycle trying to keep my heart rate at or below 85% mhr in preparation for becoming pregnant again. Now, I did none of this while trying to concieve Lexi and had no problems, which is fantastic, and maybe I could keep up my current intensity level and our next baby could be fine, but on the heels of a loss, I feel like erring slightly toward caution is wise. And, I mean, I'm not slacking off, just not pushing myself to complete exhaustion on every single exercise and gargling my heart on every song in cycle class. 

It feels weird though, to not walk on jelly legs out of spin class, or to wake up less sore than usual-almost disappointing. Though I'm still working to improve my fitness, I'm having to recognize that this is a singular period in my life, and God willing I'll have many years post baby to leave it all on the gym floor. 

It's also hard to balance scaling back in a wise way with not slacking off, because, if I'm not pregnant this month, the journey does continue to get fitter and stronger. (Still so weird to think that I'm not trying to lose weight anymore!) so, I'm pushing, I'm doing as many reps as I can, with as heavy weights as I can, but if my heart races or my breathing feels funny, I back off instead of pushing through. I'm subbing in a lot of light jogging in place for higher impact cardio intervals.  I'm still getting a great workout, but in a way that feels safer for the life that I hope is beginning inside me. I'll keep working to be the strongest mama I can, for Scott, Lexi, and hopefully for my little Declan or Victoria. 

So...I'm wondering

It's way too soon in the cycle to suspect pregnancy in a concrete way, but I'll admit I'm having bursts of excited hope!  Last week (ovulation week) my performance in cycle was not what it has been, which I expected to a degree. However, the lightheadedness, shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, craving for beef, insane dreams, and other stuff has me hoping against hope. 

It's scary when I start to feel excited, because even trying to get pregnant feels like opening my shirt and painting a target over my heart. I'm really seeking God in the struggle every day though, and asking him for strength, patience, hope, and a healthy baby growing inside me who we can hold and love this coming winter. 

Fifteen

Fifteen years is a long time to do anything. Whether it's a job, a hobby, a family tradition, it becomes a part of you. It's also a really long time to love and be committed to someone. Especially when you were just sixteen years old to start with. That's exactly what Scott has given me though. 

Let me roll back the time machine a bit and tell you the *short* version of how we got together. It's certainly not the typical "boy meets girl".

In July of 98 I moved to virginia beach, and started attending a new church. The kids in the youth group were extremely friendly and I wanted (after 4 years of being ostracized in RI) to fit in so badly, that I did some stupid stuff to try to make them like me. Typical teenage insecurity, and wrong, though at the time you'd think I'd done far worse based on the way it was handled. After the whole debacle was resolved, I was left with two groups: those who would put up with me but clearly didn't like me, and those who wre treating me like I'd never wronged them. Based on his general disdain for me up to that point, I assumed Scott would be in the first camp, but over the next months he came to prove me wrong. 

By late winter we were decent friends, though I didn't know why this confident well respected guy went out of his way to call me or sit by me, who his "group" had clearly written off. I told myself he was just trying to be Christlike. 

It was probably clear to everyone from almost day 1 that I "liked" a particular boy in the group. I was nuts over him really, but he basically kept me in the "best friend" zone (though he was perfectly willing to discuss our future children?), until one day when Scott point blank asked me if I "liked" this guy. Now, I'm a sixteen year old girl, talking to the good friend of the guy I like. Am I really gonna say yes? Noooope. My response led to Scott taking this situation into his own hands (why? I wondered? Because he was tired of me being in denial? It was really none of his beezwax! But somehow I was thankful even thn.) and setting up a sit down for this guy and I to hash out our feelings. Oh that was brutal. The end result left things clear. He wasn't interested in a relationship with me. Friend. Zoned. My heart was broken, and I'm not gonna lie-part of it still is. I'll never really know (though it doesn't matter)if he really didn't see me that way or if he just wasn't brave enough to be linked to me, the broken one. Scott and I have always suspected the latter, and at the time, that made the rejection even more painful. 

How-EVER! In my heartbreak (that part of me remembered that he *orchestrated*!) Scott was an incredibly supportive friend. He called me a couple times that first week, gave me pep talks, encouraged me, began to make me see my worth, and that I was lovable and special all on my own. He saw me sad at church the next Sunday, and said "Smile for me Sunshine!" I was amazed at his friendship, which seemed to come out of nowhere at the time, and I just asked him "why are you going through all of this with me, beside me?" And he asked "why do you think?" Even now I blush remembering that. At the time, I muttered "because you care..." And he kind of barked a laugh and let it drop.

 A week after that, on Easter, he handed me a letter. It was sixteen pages long, all about the work he saw God doing in me, in him, in our youth group. He said he saw something big on the horizon that would shake everyone up and "overturn a few apple carts." I had no idea what that meant, and I was kinda scared. I wrote him back, all my thoughts and feelings on the subjects, and as I did I began to feel a bit afraid of what I saw developing. I had been aware for about six months that I really thought a lot of Scott, and when he hugged me I felt safe. I felt like I could open up to him in a different way than any other friends, and these letters were proving that. What did this mean? 

Well, it was his turn to write that week, and on April 18, 1999, he handed me a letter that started out trying to explain why he'd been supporting me and encouraging me and sharing with me. And halfway through the second page, the answer was there, in black and white:

And, there it was. No need for "check yes or no" or beating around the bush. Just an open, honest declaration of where he stood. Which was, and is, beside me and behind me.

 

Scott~

I'm so glad you gave me that letter, so glad you've fought for me, first through parents, my crippling insecurity, then through heartbreaks and losses and their terrible aftermaths, through depression and anxiety, through hurting each other unspeakably, you've never given up. 

Thank you for the way you've grown with me, becoming more humble where needed, learning to stand strong and lead where needed, for being someone I can trust to take good care of me and our children. 

Thank you for your faithfulness. In so many ways. Thank you for the work you've put in and continue to, to keep your heart and mind only mine. 

Thank you, maybe most of all, for empowering me. From those early days of our friendship you strove to tear down the lies that others had built around me about being unlovable, worthless, not good enough, and replace them with the belief that I was the opposite. Sometimes you battled the builders of lies even as they tried to build. You have always believed in every dream, supported every goal, and celebrated every victory with me. 

The best thing I've learned in the past 15 years is something that started in April 99 and I'm still learning now: to communicate to you what I feel, need, want, because you want me to have it and will do all you can to make sure I do. Our biggest struggles have come when I wasn't brave enough to ask for help. Thank you for loving me that much. 

Fifteen years into this relationship I'm even more enamored and deeply in love with this man than I ever thought I could be. Here's to many more fifteens! 

Love is an open door

I've had the song with this title from Frozen in my head since I went to bed last night, and while I love it for itself, these words are speaking another truth to me, the song is about meeting your other half, romantically, which I can definitely relate to. Right now though, I'm looking at a door that's about to open with a fair bit of trepidation.

Today I start clomid, which means we are officially trying for baby two. The reasons this is exciting are obvious. I really have every reason to hope and expect only positive things. I was thinking last night that even more than the month we concieved Lexi, there's no reason to think we won't conceive this month. Especially in light of the new regularity of my cycle and knowing that I ovulated on my own in December for sure. 

At the same time, I'm terrified of opening this door. My heart is still so tender and healing from losing September baby, and I never want to feel that pain again. I know that if I do, God will see me through like he has before, but I want to avoid it if at all possible. I'll never understand why I lost my may and September babies, and I don't need to. I do trust that God's plan is perfect and best-I mean, look at Lexi, she's amazing! I only want to move forward from that pain and experience the joy of holding another baby in my body, feeling them grow, and then giving birth and getting to hold them in my arms, love them, teach them, watch them grow, alongside the most beautiful and loving big sister I can imagine. And that's why I'm going to be brave. 

Because love *is* an open door. It's taking risks for the greater reward they promise, it's putting others before yourself, it's risking heartache or loss rather than shutting others out to protect oneself. I'm still fighting a war within some days, but...today I'm being brave enough to open up the gates. I have to trust and rest that my loving Father will do the hard part and bring the pieces together just right, and protect our child, once concieved, as they grow inside where I can't see. 

Please join us in praying for a new life to begin growing inside me this month, that that baby will be healthy, strong, fully formed, fully cooked, and that we can enjoy a healthy pregnancy without fear. 

My period came!

I have just had a 33 day cycle. Shortest of my life. Now we can get this show on the road! No PROVERA!

Confused, overwhelmed, protecting myself

I've been having a tough week emotionally so far. I think it's due to the juxtaposition of being in this limbo of waiting for my period and watching two friends give birth (so happy for them, truly!) in the past two weeks. Oh, and there was the sermon Sunday about heaven that included a high chair at the supper table. Yeah. Many tears. 

I've been feeling pessimistic. Asking myself why I'm putting myself through this, all this anticipation, building hope, preparing myself physically, daring to dream, when it could come to nothing but disappointment or heartbreak. Then I remind myself of the magic of pregnancy and the beauty of birth and miracle of a new baby in my arms. I allow myself to dream of Lexi and her new sibling together. That's what it's for. That reward is worth this risk. 

"But," the darker voice says, "you have Lexi. She is beautiful, sweet, healthy, and perfect. Why push your luck? Why would you even think you could be that blessed all over again? You were doing everything right last winter when you got pregnant, and look how that turned out. You worked so long on your body. Why don't you just enjoy what you have?" 

I am enjoying what I have. Every minute of every day. And I know all these thoughts, many of which I had as we started this process to concieve Lexi, are my way of protecting myself. And just like then, I'm going to press forward, one day at a time, pencil to paper, because I feel like there's no other choice. 

But I'm afraid, and my heart is hurting. I'm missing the baby who'd be almost halfway to my arms by now. 

So, if you're someone who prays, please pray for me. That my period would start (so we can get started...), that I'd be comforted and have hope, and that we can concieve, grow, and have a new baby to love in our arms very soon.