Finding improvement where I've had it

So, I'm on my last rest day of this round of JMBR. I'm resting, drinking water, various teas, and good clean foods. I'm still feeling very frustrated because pants are not getting any looser yet, and I'm not looking likely at all to reach the milestone goal I had set for 12 days from now (size 8 skinnies). I'm trying to accept that, but I still feel like there has to be a key to this that I'm missing. 

I'm getting more sleep overall in the past few weeks than I have since before we met our boy, so if it's sleep I need, that's as resolved as its gonna be for awhile. Declan wakes up usually only once (around 4am) to nurse, and then I offer again when I get up at 6. I can't eat any better than I am, and I can't imagine I'm eating too little, because I'm being very intentional about getting 2000 calories (net) each day. 

Side note: when Lexi was 13/14 mos and I started back on my fitness journey, I lost weight at 1600 calories net to start. She was on solids, and therefore not needing as much milk, I assume. But 400 calories is almost a pound a week difference worth of calories. Is it possible 2000 is too many calories? I don't always hit that 2000 on heavy workout days...I just don't know what to do. If I knew what to do, (eat more, less, drink more water...) I know I'd have the discipline to do it. I hate to think the answer is that nothing is gonna happen till Declan is fully on solids...who knows when that'll be? 

There's been major improvement in some areas, unrelated to my size though. I need to celebrate that, while I just keep trucking and nursing. 

-I have met every one of my planned  goals for what I'd be doing for exercise postpartum. I made this plan when I was first pregnant with Declan. I started JMBR when D was 12 weeks old, and added Cycle 2 weeks later! 

-I have, in the last 8 weeks or so, gone from being able to do 2 military style push ups at a time to 25. Tomorrow I'll be doing 3 sets of 25 on top of the 80 or so various push ups in my JMBR workout. 

-I've improved in cycle class. This is hard to quantify, because every class is different and every bike I'm on affects the ride. But I've definitely built up endurance and strength. 

-I have stuck through some hard times and missed no workouts except due to injury or surgery. That takes grit when you are getting nowhere on your external goals. 

-my mental toughness is incredible. I catch myself coaching myself to push through stuff the old me would just give out on. 

-I can do a 60 second plank like its nothin. Working toward a 5 min plank. 

6 more

That's how many workouts I have left in this round of JMBR. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I feel proud, because I've stuck with it, and other than injury, vacation, and surgery, I've kept progressing every 2 weeks as prescribed. I am, and should be, really proud of that. On the other hand, these workouts are still really tough, and even by the end of next week, I will be far from having mastered them. So it feels like less of an accomplishment than the finish I had thanksgiving 2013. I have to remind myself though, that I was 16 months pp then, not 6. Those ten months make a huge difference! Heck, by that point this time around, I can't imagine the level of fitness I'll have. 

I'm really wrestling with two things right now. One is the lack of measurable external results that I've been ranting about. I'm hoping that by 10/5 when I take my post BR measurements and pictures (which will also serve as my BodyShred before pics and stats) I'll see some difference. I have 1.5 weeks of BR and an active recovery week before then, so, I'm trying to have some hope. I'm not feeling like it's super likely that those size 8 skinnies will fit, but I'm hoping that they will button and zip without too much....spillage. If I have gotten that far, I might be able to still hit my next goal of getting comfy in my 6's by Christmas. The other thing that's bugging me is something g I've written about before but feels extra real to me now, 2.5 weeks away-how am I going to be able to do BodyShred? All I've read and heard is that it's brutal and way harder than BR. I'm on the last level of BR and it's taking me close to an hour to get thru a 35 min workout. I am determined to do this, but how do I get in the headspace of not feeling a failure for struggling through it, especially this first round? I am starting it again in February, and hopefully that round will be full of badassery, but man, I'm scared of this first round. 

First things first, though. Time for workout 11 and moving on with my day. Rar.

Venting again

I'm So frustrated and discouraged. I've been at this consistently for 4 months (minus the week after my surgery and the week we were on vacation which was a planned recovery week) and I'm barely any smaller.  Yes, I'm far stronger, my muscles are more defined, etc, but is it so wrong to have wanted to lose a pant size or two? Blargh!

We are really working at eating clean and I'm being better about logging my food since we have been home. Hoping less grains (except brown rice and oats) will help me with inflammation. Also eating lots of veggies. 

I hate not having much control over this situation. I have to just work and be consistent and trust that *someday* there will be a payoff. I really hope it doesn't take till Declan is a year old and fully on solids to start seeing results. I have some goals set for that time period, and if like to reach them! 

Recently some folks I considered to be  close friends, folks who have shown me support at other times when needed, and folks we have supported and encouraged, gave me some criticism that hurt deeply. They told me that my fitness goals, and their priority in my life were causing me to miss out on my children. They called me vain and self pitying. They said other things I don't remember because I'm trying to forget. When peoe give me criticism, especially when they are people who supposedly care about me, I take it very seriously and chew it over to find any truth that might be there. This time, though, I'm finding none, and that makes it hurt more. I tried to explain the connection between my feelings about my weight and my PPD, how I'm trying to grasp control of this thing, so at least one thing in my life would be working. That didn't matter-the last word was that I was feeling sorry for myself and I'm not really depressed. It's left me feeling very lonely, defensive and self conscious, if ever I post on fb about my weight or depression, because, while I'm trying to be open so others feel less alone on their journeys, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement, even from folks who are supposed to be my friends. That's really tough. 

The depression and anxiety have been a big struggle the past few days, and this weight frustration is only magnifying that. I don't know what to do about it, except, get as much sleep as I can, push hard in my workouts and eat healthy yummy stuff. 

To My Sweet Duckling at Six Months

Declan, 

You are lying next to me in bed right now, chewing on your toes and smiling. It seems you're always smiling, and in those rare times you aren't, I know the storm won't last but a moment and there's a rainbow just around the corner. 

I can't believe you're six months old already, that half of your first year has flown by so quickly. It's been entirely different than I expected, filled with challenges to my physical, mental, and emotional strength, but God knew what He was doing when he paired us up. Anytime I have felt like I'm just not enough, I have been reminded by your smile and the love in your eyes that I'm more than enough-to you I'm everything. 

This time a year ago I didn't know you were a boy-I desperately wanted another girl-but the second I found out you were, I began dreaming of a blue eyed redhead who I'd snuggle and nurse and learn so much from loving. You've fulfilled and surpassed those dreams in unexpected ways. You teach me every day about the blessing of experiencing mamahood fresh and new without comparison, because you and your sister could not be more different, and that isn't a bad thing. Where she was eager and outgoing, you are relaxed and shy. Where she wanted to explore, you're taking your time. 

You definitely have personality! You have a sweet and ready smile, a laugh we hear more every day, a particular way of letting us know you want attention (enough with the fake wheezing, Kid!), an aversion to hard work (tummy time has been a battle we've fought side by side), and yes, a temper to match that hair. 

You love your sister, like I always knew you would, though sometimes she overwhelms you with the exuberance she bathes you in. It makes me feel so gratified to see you two together, smiling and laughing. 

You love bath time and kicking your legs, and I'm looking forward to you discovering more and more in the world that excites you. 

You are your own man, Declan, and I'm more than okay with that. You've taught me, and are teaching me daily, that life is not a checklist, we are not defined by the rate at which we achieve, and that we can thrive exactly as God made us. You give me courage, and joy to tackle my challenges, and peace to enjoy the moments. 

Like this one, right now, where you reached for my hand, because you like me close by when you drift off. I love you, my beautiful, singular, loving, wonderful six month old. 

Can I do this?

I had a "moment" during my workout this morning. It was my first post-vacation/post-injury JMBR workout and it was intense. Lots of jump lunges, jump squats, half moons, just tough! About halfway through I thought "and I'm starting BodyShred in less that five weeks? There's no way I can do this!" But then I thought to myself-"why not? There's no rule book that says you can't catch your breath, can't modify. You modify right now when you need to, don't psych yourself out and sell yourself short. You've come a long way in the past few months, from 3 push-ups at a time to 18, from no squats to jump squats. You can do this, and your performance will only improve!" 

It was a tough workout, but if it was easy it would be pointless. I don't want the results brought by doing what's comfortable, I want the insane results from pushing way beyond what feels doable. With strict respect for my body and where it is now of course-no injuries please. Tonight is spin (after 2 weeks off) and tomorrow is recovery so I can hit it hard again the rest of the week. I'm so excited to see how strong (and, if I'm honest, how much smaller) I'll be by Christmas! 

Looking at September

We are back from our wonderful vacation and I'm determined and motivated to make September a great month! There are a few part of this, and I'm gonna share and gather my thoughts here for myself and for you! 😜

Breastfeeding: more sleep! 

Declan is still nursing exclusively (no bottles, woohoo!) and I'm slowly weaning myself off the pump so not to lose my supply (vacation has me temporarily trying to boost it back at the moment!) I have stopped pumping at night, and even though this leads to more interrupted sleep, I think once I'm used to it, it will lead to much more and better sleep for me. More/better sleep means more energy and hopefully benefits for my fitness journey. 

Eating clean!

I'm ready to really clean things up around here, and commit to eating as clean  as I can, meaning cutting processed foods and as much sugar as possible. This will bring much more produce into my life and I'm really looking forward to the energy boost from that. I'm going to be keeping my food diary again, and hopefully I'll get the hang of eating enough pretty quickly. 

No alcohol this month! 

I'm going to abstain from alcohol entirely this month. I don't drink heavily anyway, but I'm gonna take the month off from my wine anyway, and see if it gives me a little weight loss boost. I may or may not allow red wine again sometimes in October.

Finishing Body Revolution!

I'm starting the final 4 weeks of this round of JMBR, and gearing up for BodyShred in October. I'm excited for that, and really want to start as strong as I can. 

Depression: 

August was a really bad month for my PPDA and I'm really hoping September is better. I'm going to spend more time having devotions, praying, and caring for myself. I'm also going to look into the possibility of group and individual therapy. 

Goals: 

The big goal for the month is to be comfortable in my size 8 skinnies by the time I start BodyShred, and it's a doozy from where I sit now. I'm gonna hit it hard and eat great though, and see if I can't hit it! The goal timeline will stay the same looking ahead, even if I take an extra couple weeks to hit this one. 

The other fitness goal is to be doing 4 sets of 25 push ups outside of my workouts twice a week by 10/5- I think this is doable, especially since I did 4 sets 18 today! 

Here's where I'm starting the month: 

Waist:31

Hips: 41

Thigh: 22.5

I'd like to lose an inch off each by the end  of the month. Don't know how doable, but it's a goal! 

That's what I'm looking at for this month... Let's do this! 

Reflection on my new goals and the journey ahead

So, this morning I found myself kinda "in my feelings" about where my body is right now and how overwhelming the road ahead feels. I've broken it into totally doable goals...I think. I keep telling myself, "hey, so you're not where you want to be right now, but think of where you will be a year from now! That thought blows my mind! I went from a size 14 to a 4 in 7 months, so if I'm a size 10 now, I could be a pretty ripped and shredded mama a year from now! That's the thing-the size 4 isn't a destination, it's a major milestone, and I don't want to be smaller, but it's also a jumping off point to achieve greatness too. From there I want to pursue yoga poses and strength I have never seen before, I want my RYT 200,  I want to reach new levels of performance in spin class, i want to go hiking with my husband and not be dragging behind him. 

So, how do we eat an elephant? It's gotta be one day at a time, one goal at a time. I'll keep an eye on the mid-term goal, which is those size 4 jeans, but I can only try to conquer what's right in front of me. 

Right now that's a pair of size 8 shorts I want to wear on vacation next week. They just about fit. I'm going to finish out this week of workouts, drink my dandelion/cranberry/lemon drink, and enjoy my vacation and recovery week.  Then I will come home with a renewed commitment to:

-Eat clean--it's far to easy to buy processed stuff, and snack all the time, especially as a mom of 2 bitties. But, no. As a rule, we are all going to do better about this. 

-track what I'm eating-- this is to serve two purposes: to make sure I'm eating enough, and to reassure me when I'm starving in the evening that I have eaten enough. Not eating enough has been historically my biggest weight loss barrier. 

-stick to eating only at mealtime. It's easy to use breastfeeding as a reason to snack, but my metabolism will thank me if I don't. What I need to do is make my 4 meals a day big enough to use all my calories. 

- start walking again. The fresh air will do wonders for clearing my head and for the kids. The plan is to walk for 45-60 min, then hit the playground as often as weather allows. 

-wean off pumping. Declan hasn't had a bottle in 2.5 weeks, so I'm basically pumping to keep supply steady while he really adjusts to having to work harder for his food. Hopefully by the end of September we can be in enough of a rhythm that I can have that time back. I imagine the freedom and reduced stress will be a huge benefit. All the cortisol can't be helping. 

All these things should help me reach my next goal: my size 8 skinny jeans by 10/5. That's just under 7 weeks from now, after completing Body Revolution and taking a recovery week. I feel like it's totally doable if I stay committed to the above. 

Then, I'll do my first round of BodyShred and hopefully end that 12 weeks wearing my size 6 jeans when we go to Nebraska for Christmas. 

In January I plan to do a Whole30 and a month of potpourri workouts before my second round of BodyShred to finish in late March, and ending with Size 4 jeans. 

After that, the focus shifts to performance as I work through a couple months of master training and yoga. Maybe I'll even see my abs by summer! 

That's the plan, and it's beyond reasonable if I stick to my guns.one pant size every 3 months? Considering I've lost one every month for 5 months before, I think so.  Notice what word isn't in any of those goals,? "Weigh." Because the scale isn't an accurate measure of progress for me. I'll weigh myself from time to time, but I'm much more interested in the number in my jeans, though I won't be defined by it.