Finding improvement where I've had it

So, I'm on my last rest day of this round of JMBR. I'm resting, drinking water, various teas, and good clean foods. I'm still feeling very frustrated because pants are not getting any looser yet, and I'm not looking likely at all to reach the milestone goal I had set for 12 days from now (size 8 skinnies). I'm trying to accept that, but I still feel like there has to be a key to this that I'm missing. 

I'm getting more sleep overall in the past few weeks than I have since before we met our boy, so if it's sleep I need, that's as resolved as its gonna be for awhile. Declan wakes up usually only once (around 4am) to nurse, and then I offer again when I get up at 6. I can't eat any better than I am, and I can't imagine I'm eating too little, because I'm being very intentional about getting 2000 calories (net) each day. 

Side note: when Lexi was 13/14 mos and I started back on my fitness journey, I lost weight at 1600 calories net to start. She was on solids, and therefore not needing as much milk, I assume. But 400 calories is almost a pound a week difference worth of calories. Is it possible 2000 is too many calories? I don't always hit that 2000 on heavy workout days...I just don't know what to do. If I knew what to do, (eat more, less, drink more water...) I know I'd have the discipline to do it. I hate to think the answer is that nothing is gonna happen till Declan is fully on solids...who knows when that'll be? 

There's been major improvement in some areas, unrelated to my size though. I need to celebrate that, while I just keep trucking and nursing. 

-I have met every one of my planned  goals for what I'd be doing for exercise postpartum. I made this plan when I was first pregnant with Declan. I started JMBR when D was 12 weeks old, and added Cycle 2 weeks later! 

-I have, in the last 8 weeks or so, gone from being able to do 2 military style push ups at a time to 25. Tomorrow I'll be doing 3 sets of 25 on top of the 80 or so various push ups in my JMBR workout. 

-I've improved in cycle class. This is hard to quantify, because every class is different and every bike I'm on affects the ride. But I've definitely built up endurance and strength. 

-I have stuck through some hard times and missed no workouts except due to injury or surgery. That takes grit when you are getting nowhere on your external goals. 

-my mental toughness is incredible. I catch myself coaching myself to push through stuff the old me would just give out on. 

-I can do a 60 second plank like its nothin. Working toward a 5 min plank. 

Venting again

I'm So frustrated and discouraged. I've been at this consistently for 4 months (minus the week after my surgery and the week we were on vacation which was a planned recovery week) and I'm barely any smaller.  Yes, I'm far stronger, my muscles are more defined, etc, but is it so wrong to have wanted to lose a pant size or two? Blargh!

We are really working at eating clean and I'm being better about logging my food since we have been home. Hoping less grains (except brown rice and oats) will help me with inflammation. Also eating lots of veggies. 

I hate not having much control over this situation. I have to just work and be consistent and trust that *someday* there will be a payoff. I really hope it doesn't take till Declan is a year old and fully on solids to start seeing results. I have some goals set for that time period, and if like to reach them! 

Recently some folks I considered to be  close friends, folks who have shown me support at other times when needed, and folks we have supported and encouraged, gave me some criticism that hurt deeply. They told me that my fitness goals, and their priority in my life were causing me to miss out on my children. They called me vain and self pitying. They said other things I don't remember because I'm trying to forget. When peoe give me criticism, especially when they are people who supposedly care about me, I take it very seriously and chew it over to find any truth that might be there. This time, though, I'm finding none, and that makes it hurt more. I tried to explain the connection between my feelings about my weight and my PPD, how I'm trying to grasp control of this thing, so at least one thing in my life would be working. That didn't matter-the last word was that I was feeling sorry for myself and I'm not really depressed. It's left me feeling very lonely, defensive and self conscious, if ever I post on fb about my weight or depression, because, while I'm trying to be open so others feel less alone on their journeys, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement, even from folks who are supposed to be my friends. That's really tough. 

The depression and anxiety have been a big struggle the past few days, and this weight frustration is only magnifying that. I don't know what to do about it, except, get as much sleep as I can, push hard in my workouts and eat healthy yummy stuff. 

Can I do this?

I had a "moment" during my workout this morning. It was my first post-vacation/post-injury JMBR workout and it was intense. Lots of jump lunges, jump squats, half moons, just tough! About halfway through I thought "and I'm starting BodyShred in less that five weeks? There's no way I can do this!" But then I thought to myself-"why not? There's no rule book that says you can't catch your breath, can't modify. You modify right now when you need to, don't psych yourself out and sell yourself short. You've come a long way in the past few months, from 3 push-ups at a time to 18, from no squats to jump squats. You can do this, and your performance will only improve!" 

It was a tough workout, but if it was easy it would be pointless. I don't want the results brought by doing what's comfortable, I want the insane results from pushing way beyond what feels doable. With strict respect for my body and where it is now of course-no injuries please. Tonight is spin (after 2 weeks off) and tomorrow is recovery so I can hit it hard again the rest of the week. I'm so excited to see how strong (and, if I'm honest, how much smaller) I'll be by Christmas! 

Our Breastfeeding Journey...So Far

To say that nursing Declan has been an adventure is an understatement. From day 1 I knew it might be harder than with Lexi, but I wasn't going to to stop no matter what. There would be no formula. That's what I was set on, and I'm very thankful I have succeeded in that. I also didn't want to introduce a bottle unless absolutely necessary because (due to Lexi's outright rejection of them after her first few) I was/am much more a fan of the simplicity of just nursing, without all the work of pumping. At this point, I have soooo much admiration for mamas who exclusively pump, especially those who work full time. (S/o to my Sissy Beans!) our journey continues to evolve, but I feel we've reached a major turning point, so I want to share with you where we have been over the last four and a half months.

First, let me say that I was totally unprepared for this to be difficult at all. Everything about Lexi was easy and natural, and after a very early latching challenge that was easily solved by 3 months with a nipple shield, nursing her was a breeze. I had never experienced the things that make women quit nursing. Now I have. Pretty much all of them, actually. 

So, the first time they put Declan in my arms, at mere seconds old, I saw that he had a tongue tie. I was aware of the solution for this and so still felt like we would be ok. The first time I tried to nurse him, maybe a half hour later, I pointed the tie out to the nurse. She said "yeah but it's not severe, so it won't interfere with breastfeeding."  And the first couple times, it didn't seem like it would. He was impatient and cranky (but who wouldn't be after a 40 hour birth process where you were just facing all kinds of wrong and had to be yanked out by vaccum?) but we didn't really start having a challenge until that first night late. He was screaming, not staying latched, and I'm order to get him to nurse at all I had to stand and rock him in the football hold and sing. It was exhausting on top of a very difficult recovery. Some of this was due to his personality, the circumstances of his entry to the world, and I figured some was due to the same anatomical challenge Lexi and I had had-I have fat flat nipples-my babies have bitty mouths. So, the following morning I asked for a nipple shield from the Lactation Consultant, but she was busy and in the meantime I had two wonderful nursing students who were both mamas come work with us. We pumped, we used shells, we finger fed him. It was encouraging but still hard, in my exhausted state. He wanted nothing to do with the nipple shield. 

We kept nursing with varied success the rest of our hospital stay. When we got home, suddenly he started latching great with the nipple shield! He had actually gained a few ounces back by the first visit to the pediatrician! Things seemed to be looking up, even though my recovery was going very slowly and hard.

 At about two weeks, he started making a clicking sound when he nursed, and I noticed lots of milk was leaking from his mouth and that concerned me. We kept going though, as I had no better plan. I was getting very discouraged, and a bit obsessed with his diaper count, which was thru the roof. 

At four weeks, even though we continued to struggle, I was holding as steady as I could, when he rejected the nipple shield and started nursing 5 min on one side every 2-3 hours. This horrified me and I had a flat out breakdown that may have included me punching a wall and really messing my hand up when he was 4.5 weeks old. We had a weight check that showed he was on track, so I tried to relax a little and trust him to lead. That lasted less than 2 weeks. 

At 6w2d I took Declan to see my dear sweet friend Melissa who is a CLC. She and I had been texting constantly since Declan's birth, and I am still so very thankful for her support and understanding. We weighed him, and saw that in the 10 days since his last check, he'd gained 3 oz. not great. Then she watched me nurse him, and we weighed him again. He gained 3oz from 7 min of nursing on one side. So that was pretty good! We talked awhile, and Melissa agreed that the tongue tie (which had also kinda been brushed off by the ped at this point) was a likely culprit for the clicking and insufficient milk transfer. Plus, I could feel my previously robust supply starting to dip. She recommended I go see an ibclc and the next morning, I did. It was a good appointment, and while she didn't think the tongue tie was necessarily the issue, she gave me a good plan of giving him an extra 4oz a day by spoon or syringe, since I was wary of complicating things with a bottle. This worked great, and he gained 6 oz over the next 6 days! He hated being supplemented this way though, and I hated doing it. I also did more research on tongue ties and decided it was time to get it clipped, because it could make all the difference, and at worst it would do nothing. 

 The same day we had his tongue clipped, I also decided to offer the supplement in a bottle. This went better than the syringe, though he still wasn't a fan. This was a huge scary step for me, as I was afraid he'd prefer the bottle and reject nursing entirely. He didn't. He also gained 15oz between weight checks in 12 days. Looked like we were out of the woods on weight gain, even if I was spending my entire days and nights pumping and nursing. Seeing the improvement he made over the weeks following the procedure-it wasn't instant, and even now he slips back into old habits-I am as sure as I can be that the problem was his tongue tie. Mamas, if your suspect at all that a tongue or lip tie is causing you and your baby challenges, I advise you to get it clipped. There is no downside. It is impossible to tell by looking at a tie whether it will be a problem, because it's a matter of how anatomy matches up. My fat flat nipples, Declan's tie, and his bit of a high palate all added up to a problem, but with the clip and a lot of stubbornness, we are doing far better.

Since then, I've been nursing as often as Declan is interested, pumping after as many feedings as possible, and feeding him what I pump. This has been workable, but far more time consuming than I'd like long term. Declan had also gotten a bit cranky about the work associated with nursing and was refusing more often than not during the day. I've also weathered a few intense supply dips  where all I did for days at a time was nurse, pump, eat, and pop supplements.

Then, something I feared would damage our nursing relationship may have been the catalyst for the biggest change yet. I had to have emergency dental surgery to extract a wisdom tooth that had me in constant pain from when Declan was 5 weeks old on. In order to let me recover as well as I could even while maintaining my grueling pumping schedule, Scott took over nighttime feeding of Declan. This let me get a 5-6 hour stretch of sleep before my body woke me to pump, then go right to sleep again. We did that for about 7 nights, then I actively started trying to nurse more, and teach him to nurse lying down. Now, unless he's extremely sleepy/cranky and therefore less willing  to work, he never rejects nursing, and seems to be draining me better than he ever has. 

Because of these developments, I feel like my goal of being free of the pump is in reach. I'm still pumping after most feedings, but unless it was a bad feeding, I'm only pumping for 10 minutes, or one letdown. As soon as Declan stops seeming like he needs what I pump in addition to nursing (I usually give it to him before nap and at bedtime now), I'll reduce pumping over time and reserve it for replacing feedings when needed instead of keeping my supply up. 

So, that's where we are now, and I'm excited to see us get where we want to be. 

Mamas, only you can decide what's best for you and your baby, but if you really want to breastfeed, I believe you can overcome any obstacle, and I'm here to help! 

First Latch

First comfortable NIP

Frustrations and comparisons

So I shared yesterday that I'm frustrated with my external progress. I really really am. I'm trying to be patient and lety body figure things out, and tweak and experiment with my calorie intake, but it's really tough to push and push and be tired and sore without the payoff. I've been here before and I got through it, and I will this time too, but right now I'm really struggling emotionally. This is compounded by the fact that we are going to Virginia Beach this weekend to see my family-which I'm really excited about-and that brings up my insecurities and struggles with comparison. My little sister, who has always been beautiful and thin, had a baby 8 weeks before me, and bounced back soooo fast-partly due to her super metabolism, partly due to being 24. We are totally different women and comparison isn't fair, but I struggle mightily with it. I work sooooo hard and am so conscious of what I eat, while she sends me pictures of fries and frosties. None of this is her fault, but gosh it's disheartening. I'm praying today for freedom from this insecure struggle and the ability to relax and enjoy the time with my family. Oh, and that I'll have shrunk a little by Monday morning. 😉

Starting Body Revolution

Today I started Jillian Michaels' Body Revolution for the fourth time. It was tough, but that's good. I feel like I'm starting at a reasonable level of fitness, and am looking forward to to experiencing lots of progress in performance and I hope hope hope I'll get to see some external transformation over the next 12 weeks as well. 

Here's where it gets tricky: I can't slash my calories. We already learned almost 2 years ago that I have to set my net calorie goal and make sure I eat back anything I burn that puts me below that, or my body will just hang onto fat like it's starving. I'm also exclusively breastfeeding, which burns between 350-500 extra calories a day. Sooooo...I think I need to be netting 2000 calories to start? I'm not as concerned about the scale number exactly, but more about fat loss as I build muscle. So, we will start at 2k and see where we are after 2 weeks? 

My goal for the next 12 weeks is to lose 2 (maybe even 3!) pant sizes. That seems doable. Three would put me at least at the size I was when I got pregnant, even if not the same body composition.

 Here's my day 1 shot:

It's...a starting place! And I'm 14 weeks postpartum, not 6+ months like with Lexi, so YaY! 

Self Care and Normalcy

Those have been my key words and cravings since Declan has been born, and I think I'm finally almost to where I want to be with both, but boy has it been a battle! 

Normalcy seemed impossible. 

Declan's birth took far more of a physical toll on me than Lexi's did, and that started me out a bit weaker both physically and emotionally. Plus the nursing struggle. Ohhhh the nursing. He had trouble in the hospital, but I figured it'd just take a few days, and he'd get it. No, it was a roller coaster for a very long time, and now, eleven weeks after his birth, it's still not easy and totally natural like it was with Lexi, but we are making it work in a way I can live with. I won't bore you with the details except to say that I'm not sleep deprived because Declan is up all night, im sleep deprived because I'm not yet comfortable enough with how much he's eating to allow him to sleep through the night, because he would.  We are finding a rhythm of systems that allow us to begin to go out and do things, and I'm beginning to be able to give Lexi more than the bare minimum of my attention, and we are creating our new normal. We aren't quite there yet, because Scott and I have got to find a way to go to bed before midnight so I can start my day earlier without robbing my body of the sleep it needs, but I feel we are close. It's a bit frustrating when I have an idea of a routine in my head and I can't get it rolling quite as smoothly as I'd like right out of the gate, but I'm learning to just keep moving and eventually we will get to the place I'd like to be. And I'm a heck of a lot better at it now than I was when Lexi was a baby and I just lived in my euphoria bubble. The key to getting even this far though, has been: 

Self Care. 

Even before I had kids, back when I did what I wanted all day long (which honestly sounds so boring now!) I periodically took a day and called it a spa day. I took a long bath with bubbles and candles, did a long series of treatments on my face, gave myself a mani-pedi...and it refreshed me. In 2011 while we were actively pursuing having a baby, self care became more focused on my health and fitness, and that year was life changing. I fell in love with eating clean and moving my body. Then something crazy happened.  I unlocked something in me that is never knew was there, first through swimming, then through cycle and yoga. I'd barely gotten to scratch the surface of my athleticism when I found out I was pregnant with Lexi. Self care wasn't really something I struggled with during that first year in my pink Lexi bubble. Though I was unhappy with how my body looked and felt, I was not ready yet to stop snuggling long enough to do what it took to reclaim my health and really discover what I had inside me. I discovered Paleo halfway through that year, and that was awesome, but only half the package of a healthy lifestyle. In August 2013 though, it all clicked, and I began pursuing my health and working to become my best, strongest, and happiest self. It's funny that from August 2013-June 2014 I went through some of the most painful emotional and spiritual challenges of my life, but the knowledge that if I kept on course with self care, which had come to mean daily devotion, consistent exercise and physical challenges, good food, and a little makeup, I would not only survive, but thrive. I wasn't able to keep nearly as active as I wanted to while pregnant with Declan, and the difficulty sleeping robbed me of my early morning bible study time, but I was determined not to let 6 months go by before I started taking care of myself postpartum and definitely not a year. Even with all the challenges, I have to say I'm proud of myself, because I started walking fairly regularly when Declan was 3 weeks old, I started doing yoga when he was 6 weeks old, and I started HIIT training when he was 2 months old. With Scott's help, I'm putting self care habits in place that are already making me the best mama for my babies. Here's what self care looks like for me now: 

- a realistic schedule mapped out that I can work toward making a daily routine for our family

- hands free pumping bras so I can have devotions during those overnight feeding/pumping sessions, breakfast and coffee during the morning one, and the ability to read and blog, and make that time not wasted. 

-good food that is quickly and easily accessible during the day so I stay fueled

-support in making my fitness a priority. My workouts are my medicine, and they must happen. Scott's support and facilitating this when needed is huge

-tools and products to keep myself looking and feeling pretty-this sounds silly, but the main room of our apartment has a mirrored wall. If I look like crap, I'm gonna see it all day and that's really depressing. 

-this one is new: a membership to a spa where I can get a massage or facial regularly. Best Mother's Day gift ever! 

I'm way behind on my schedule today already due to needing to sleep in and a baby that needed cuddles, but I'm going to keep rolling forward. 

If you are a mama who struggles with self care, if it sounds silly and selfish to make time for your needs, please take it from me-it's not. It's putting on your oxygen mask so you can help your family with theirs.