Halfway Point/Breaking Point

It may be partly that I'm tired and still adjusting to getting up at 6am, it may be partly hormones, but I just want to quit working out. I've been working out consistently and eating pretty clean (and definitely not too much) for 3 months now, and I'm seeing no tangible measurable payoff. I know I'm getting stronger, some definition is returning in my arms, and my depression is manageable, but I'm still in the same pant size I was 3 weeks postpartum and that literally makes me cry. I know results will come, and I'm laying groundwork and all that, but it's like I said to Scott the other day: If you went to work and gave your best every day and never got a paycheck, knowing that someday at some unknown  arbitrary time you'd start getting paid...You'd probably say "well why don't I just start working when you're gonna pay me?" 

I'm getting up at 6am when I could get up at 8, I'm pushing my body as hard as it can go 4-6x a week, and I'm not sure I can keep it up indefinitely with no payoff. 

I know why I'm not seeing results, most likely. It's because I'm EBF Declan and working outta the same time. My body is freaking out and holding on to the weight.  I can't not work out, though. I promised myself I would do better and take better care of myself from day 1 this time, so I'm going to. I really need something to give though. 

Another thing that's discouraging me has been my workout performance. I am finishing weeks 5/6 (but really week 8 because of restarting this level after my surgery) of body Revolution, which makes tomorrow my halfway point. This being my fourth time through the program, I remember what I felt like at this point before, and I really don't remember workout 5 being so hard. I've wracked my brain about why it is bringing me to tears and taking me 50 min (it has a 37 min run time) to complete. I have come up with two answers: a) I was 14 months postpartum at this point my first time through- not just under 5. b) I was not doing the plyo moves or cardio intervals (usually walking in place). That makes a huge difference in intensity, and I'm doing everything this time through.  

So I probably shouldn't feel bad about that. But I'm really not looking forward to leveling up on Monday, because I remember workout 7 being my least favorite. 

Finally, I'm really struggling with comparison. I've come a long way with this, but it is still an area I'm being stretched in. I see other people's pictures and want to cry, especially moms who had babies close to when I did, and their baby weight just fell off from breastfeeding, and they are all sorts of hi cal food and are rail thin. I am not that person and my journey isn't going to be theirs, but dang it twists the knife. I don't know how to reconcile how hard I work for no results with seeing others where I want to be with no effort (in their own words). 

 

I just don't want to feel this anymore. 

Frustrations and comparisons

So I shared yesterday that I'm frustrated with my external progress. I really really am. I'm trying to be patient and lety body figure things out, and tweak and experiment with my calorie intake, but it's really tough to push and push and be tired and sore without the payoff. I've been here before and I got through it, and I will this time too, but right now I'm really struggling emotionally. This is compounded by the fact that we are going to Virginia Beach this weekend to see my family-which I'm really excited about-and that brings up my insecurities and struggles with comparison. My little sister, who has always been beautiful and thin, had a baby 8 weeks before me, and bounced back soooo fast-partly due to her super metabolism, partly due to being 24. We are totally different women and comparison isn't fair, but I struggle mightily with it. I work sooooo hard and am so conscious of what I eat, while she sends me pictures of fries and frosties. None of this is her fault, but gosh it's disheartening. I'm praying today for freedom from this insecure struggle and the ability to relax and enjoy the time with my family. Oh, and that I'll have shrunk a little by Monday morning. 😉