Pregnancy Fitness

So, I've been holding off on this post to kinda sort things out with my energy level and my mind, which is honestly my biggest problem in pregnancy-I have it really easy physically, no symptoms to speak of, except more napping, and absolutely no morning sickness. But mentally/emotionally, it's a battle. The losses we've suffered combine with my battle against the lies I've shared that haunt my mind into a crapstorm some days. So far it hasn't been as bad as with Lexi, and I'm hoping it'll stay that way, with a combination of prayer, staying in God's word, and reminding myself of what's true. 

So, fitness. Early in my pregnancy (before I knew) I had modified my cycle performance to try to keep my heart rate lower, and planned to stick with that and the Jillian Michaels workouts I was doing through my first trimester. Well, the same week I found out I was pregnant (probably not coincidentally) my sleep schedule got all messed up and I just wasn't getting up early enough to work out. Also, when I went to cycle class, I experienced cramping through and for about two hours after class. Now, I knew that most likely this wasn't a problem, as exercise causes uterine contractions even when we aren't pregnant, we just don't feel them. However, with my anxiety issues, I knew I should back off, for my own sanity. Boy was that frustrating. So, since then, I've been waking for the hour I would be in cycle class, and averaging about 3.5-4 miles in that hour. 

Yesterday I tried out a new prenatal yoga DVD, and loved it. I'm sore today, which feels amazing, and I feel like I've built a great prenatal fitness library that shod keep me strong and not bored the next 6.5 months or so. :-)

My plan for the next few weeks is to practice yoga 4 days a week, walk at the gym twice a week, and be as generally active with the family as weather and energy will allow.

Starting late August or early September, I'll work my Andrea Orbeck Pregnancy Sculpt workout into the rotation twice a week and start varying the yoga between the different DVDs I have. I have calendars mapped out for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I'm a planner like that.  I feel like this will keep me strong and prepared for birth and as smooth a bounce back as possible. 

I'll try to blog regularly about how all this is going, physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably share pictures. I definitely want more of a record of this pregnancy experience than I created last time. I can't believe it's almost 1/4 of the way over! 

Here's my little bump: (it's really hard to photograph so please excuse my face! 

Love is an open door

I've had the song with this title from Frozen in my head since I went to bed last night, and while I love it for itself, these words are speaking another truth to me, the song is about meeting your other half, romantically, which I can definitely relate to. Right now though, I'm looking at a door that's about to open with a fair bit of trepidation.

Today I start clomid, which means we are officially trying for baby two. The reasons this is exciting are obvious. I really have every reason to hope and expect only positive things. I was thinking last night that even more than the month we concieved Lexi, there's no reason to think we won't conceive this month. Especially in light of the new regularity of my cycle and knowing that I ovulated on my own in December for sure. 

At the same time, I'm terrified of opening this door. My heart is still so tender and healing from losing September baby, and I never want to feel that pain again. I know that if I do, God will see me through like he has before, but I want to avoid it if at all possible. I'll never understand why I lost my may and September babies, and I don't need to. I do trust that God's plan is perfect and best-I mean, look at Lexi, she's amazing! I only want to move forward from that pain and experience the joy of holding another baby in my body, feeling them grow, and then giving birth and getting to hold them in my arms, love them, teach them, watch them grow, alongside the most beautiful and loving big sister I can imagine. And that's why I'm going to be brave. 

Because love *is* an open door. It's taking risks for the greater reward they promise, it's putting others before yourself, it's risking heartache or loss rather than shutting others out to protect oneself. I'm still fighting a war within some days, but...today I'm being brave enough to open up the gates. I have to trust and rest that my loving Father will do the hard part and bring the pieces together just right, and protect our child, once concieved, as they grow inside where I can't see. 

Please join us in praying for a new life to begin growing inside me this month, that that baby will be healthy, strong, fully formed, fully cooked, and that we can enjoy a healthy pregnancy without fear. 

Daring to Dream

Dear Baby Two,

I haven't written to you in so long, partly because I've been sad, partly because I've been afraid. I've been afraid to dream of you, to let thoughts and hopes and desires and images of you as part of my life into my heart. I've been protecting myself from being hurt, I suppose, and since the doors have been closed to you being in my belly for a couple months, I felt like I had time. But time is up! Tomorrow we go see Dr Reutinger, and Mama will get the medicine that will help us meet you! So today, finally I've really started to dream. I've dreamed about turning Lexi's room into a room for two, of getting a new Moses basket for you to sleep in next to our bed, of seeing Lexi hold you and love you and sing to you and share with you. One of my favorite friends just had a baby boy, and seeing pictures of her Turkey and Goose cuddling makes me so excited and hopeful! Do you know how long it's been since Mama was full of hope? Months. Since before September Baby, maybe even since before the holidays. Dreams of you give me Hope. I'm going to pray for and fight for that hope, sweet Child of mine, every single day till I hold you in my arms and beyond. I'm gonna ask for your daddy to pray for it, and all our friends. My prayer will be like this:

 Abba Father, 

Thank you so much for all the blessings you've given me. Thank you for hearing my prayers and being above my hopes and my fears. I'm asking today for you to bring us our baby two, strong and healthy, born fully cooked, with straight bones, healthy systems, and a heart that will seek you. For me, I ask that you will fill me with confidence and security in who You are and your love for me. Free me from fear and anxiety, guide my steps and give me wisdom. Please let hope win every battle with fear. For your glory, Amen.

I think this spring, summer, and fall will have incredible memories, and when winter comes, I hope you follow soon.  I love you.

Mama

I'm learning this again, still, always.

Dear Baby Two,

Still no sign of when we will meet you. And that's ok. I mean, it should be. I should be all peaceful and "oh God's timing is perfect...", but sweet one, I'm not like that at all. Not most days anyway. I want to meet you so much! I want to feel you stirring inside me, to see my belly round and grow as you do, I want that moment of your sweet arrival, to hold you, smell you, and kiss you for the first time. I want to introduce you to your sister, to see her face, and see her love you. Oh sweet Baby Two, I want all these things and more with my whole heart. And I know-I do!- that God's timing is perfect-your sister is proof of that. But, your mama has fears. Fears she won't ever get all those things she dreams of. Feelings she doesn't deserve you, that asking God for you is asking too much, after He blessed us so mightily with your sister. But, Darlin, I'm asking Him anyway-every single day, most days more than once. 

I know this lesson of God's timing and His having my best interests mapped out is an important one He wants me to learn, because it pops into my life a lot. Haha! You'll find too that He likes to do things that way. God wants Mama to learn over and over that she has to let go and enjoy the ride, or she will miss it. You know when Lexi started growing in me? When I let go and just started living my life. I still took my special medicine that month, but I didn't agonize and worry and feel sad. I just filled each day, and she surprised us! I guess I need to do that again, Huh Sweet One? I can be patient for your When, I really can. It's the If that makes Mama feel afraid and sad. But you know what? I can't control that either. I can only cry out to God and ask Him to give you to me, ask Him to soothe my heart in the meantime, and have faith. Oh, and love on your Dada a whole whole bunch. That's the easy part. :-)

This is not a pregnancy announcement.

It's an exercise I'm doing to document this process and this time in our lives. One of the tools I'm using during this "waiting time" is visualization. I'm a worrywart, and easily discouraged, so I'm going to start talking to our Baby Two now, possibly (probably) before he or she has even been conceived. I can't dream another baby into existence, but if I think of pregnancy/meeting this child as a "when" rather than an "if", hopefully a lot of fear will be diminished. So. Here goes. 

Dear Baby Two

Today I'm wondering if you're already growing inside me. I've been very tired the past few days, and a little nauseous and moody too. I've had a few other signs that something *might* be going on too, and I'm not sure how to feel about them. It gives me hope and yet I don't want to hope *too* much and be heartbroken. So, today and every day, little one, I'm going to pray. For you, whenever God decides to give you to us, that your body and systems will be healthy and strong.  for me, in the meantime, that God will make my body a ready and healthy place for you to grow, that He will make my heart focused on Him and joyful and content with the many blessings he's given me-like your Daddy and your wonderful beautiful sister. You will love Lexi, little one. She is sweet, funny, smart, and brave. I know she will love you too. Whenever you meet her.