Aaaah! Update! (16 weeks)

Ok, it's been far too long since I've updated. Let's just say it was an eventful month. The day after our 12 week appointment, we found out our dear (if not super close in recent years) friend Patrick Holyfield was days away from passing away from a fast moving and agressive cancer. Four days after that, he did. That week (and really, the few following it too) was/were brutal, and kicked up my anxiety, which had been less of a battle this time up to that point. I'm triggered, I've discovered by intense negative emotion, even unrelated, to fear for the baby, and this was a big issue. Then, I tried my new pregnancy workout, and had some after effects that weren't a cause for alarm, but made me feel anxious, so I've taken it a bit easier other than walking the past couple weeks. I plan on working the yoga back in and returning to my walks at the gym too. 

My doctor had said I *could* expect to feel the baby move as early as 14 weeks, and since then, I've been on high alert, and maybe a little bit desperate to start feeling what we in our home call "the bomps" . I think I've felt something fairly distinctive at least once or twice, but obviously at 16.5 weeks it's still early and baby is still pretty tiny (about 5 inches long) so, I'm trying to be patient and exercise my trust muscles. 

We had our 16 week appt last Friday (9/12/14) and it went perfectly. Belly is growing, blood pressure is good, and best of all, baby has a big healthy heartbeat! Yaaaaaay! Something else awesome happened that same morning, but it/he deserves his own post. 

Here's a couple pics! 

15 weeks:

16 weeks:

12 week OB visit for Lil Valentine

I wrote this post earlier and then got a phone call and lost it. *insert tears* So, here's hoping round 2 is just as eloquent.  *insert laughter*

So, today we visited my doctor for my 12 week visit to check on Lil Valentine, and I guess me too. It was easily the quickest we have ever flowed through the check in/triage/waiting/waiting in exam room/seeing the doctor process ever, which was really good, because even though my belly is growing and I have all the reason to feel confident about Lil Valentine's well being, we all know fear -especially irrational, lie based fear- is a struggle for me, and I've felt anxious off and on all week. Part of that is because this is the 12 week visit, and, even though all was well with Lexi at 12 weeks, the visit was scary. It went something like this: 

As Dr Reutinger readied the Doppler, he told me that sometimes at 12 weeks or wasn't possible to find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and in that case, he'd send me down the hall to get an ultrasound. After a few long minutes of searching, he said "well, you get to go see your baby! That'll be more fun anyway." (I love my doctor so much.) The next 15-20 minutes while we waited for that ultrasound were terrifying. However, as soon as the ultrasound tech touched my uterus, she said "Oh! I see the heartbeat with my naked eye already! Let me zoom in!" Lexi was totally fine, and looking much more like a baby than the month before. 

I still didn't want to relive that experience though. And according to the measurements from last month, this 12 week check would be 4 days sooner in baby's development (11w5d) than with Lexi (12w2d), so how could I expect to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler? so we prayed specifically that Dr Reutinger would find Lil Valentine's heartbeat with the Doppler and that the visit would be totally positive and smooth.

God is *so* good to us. 

Dr Reutinger said all my bloodwork and vitals look good, and we chatted about how I feel, and then he felt my belly and helped me feel the "lump" that is my growing bump, and said that was right on target. Then he gave me the same speech about the Doppler, and we listened. At first there was nothing. Then we heard a slow heartbeat, which was clearly mine, because it was far too slow. After a bit longer I started to become a bit afraid, but suddenly there it was. The most beautiful sound a pregnant mama can hear. We listened to Lil Valentine's heart a-beatin away for a good bit, and the rest of the chat with my doctor is kinda a blur now. God answered my weak and anxious prayers, and I am so thankful and humbled. 

This first trimester wasn't as free from fear as I'd maybe hoped, but I have to say that through prayer with Scott, on my own, reading and repeating scripture and truth, and the prayers of others, it's been far better than I expected. You know what else? Every time I have asked God for reassurance he has come through-not for proof, but for peace and confidence in his love for me. And he has answered every specific prayer for this baby so far, from the Doppler today, to a strong heartbeat a month ago, to a clear and not ambiguous at all pregnancy test in late June. I am so thankful and so blessed. 

It is sometimes hard for me to absorb and process the positive truth, particularly after I've been struggling with fear for awhile, so today required a lot of marinating on the blessing of that heartbeat and being past the first trimester (essentially) and the excitement that I'm only a few weeks away from feeling movements, and all the good stuff. Things are good. This is real, and I'm learning every day to bask in the truth and shut out the lies. 

11 weeks, 5 days, and as my mama said, "whoa girl! There it is!" 

Pregnancy Fitness

So, I've been holding off on this post to kinda sort things out with my energy level and my mind, which is honestly my biggest problem in pregnancy-I have it really easy physically, no symptoms to speak of, except more napping, and absolutely no morning sickness. But mentally/emotionally, it's a battle. The losses we've suffered combine with my battle against the lies I've shared that haunt my mind into a crapstorm some days. So far it hasn't been as bad as with Lexi, and I'm hoping it'll stay that way, with a combination of prayer, staying in God's word, and reminding myself of what's true. 

So, fitness. Early in my pregnancy (before I knew) I had modified my cycle performance to try to keep my heart rate lower, and planned to stick with that and the Jillian Michaels workouts I was doing through my first trimester. Well, the same week I found out I was pregnant (probably not coincidentally) my sleep schedule got all messed up and I just wasn't getting up early enough to work out. Also, when I went to cycle class, I experienced cramping through and for about two hours after class. Now, I knew that most likely this wasn't a problem, as exercise causes uterine contractions even when we aren't pregnant, we just don't feel them. However, with my anxiety issues, I knew I should back off, for my own sanity. Boy was that frustrating. So, since then, I've been waking for the hour I would be in cycle class, and averaging about 3.5-4 miles in that hour. 

Yesterday I tried out a new prenatal yoga DVD, and loved it. I'm sore today, which feels amazing, and I feel like I've built a great prenatal fitness library that shod keep me strong and not bored the next 6.5 months or so. :-)

My plan for the next few weeks is to practice yoga 4 days a week, walk at the gym twice a week, and be as generally active with the family as weather and energy will allow.

Starting late August or early September, I'll work my Andrea Orbeck Pregnancy Sculpt workout into the rotation twice a week and start varying the yoga between the different DVDs I have. I have calendars mapped out for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I'm a planner like that.  I feel like this will keep me strong and prepared for birth and as smooth a bounce back as possible. 

I'll try to blog regularly about how all this is going, physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably share pictures. I definitely want more of a record of this pregnancy experience than I created last time. I can't believe it's almost 1/4 of the way over! 

Here's my little bump: (it's really hard to photograph so please excuse my face! 

Daring to Dream

Dear Baby Two,

I haven't written to you in so long, partly because I've been sad, partly because I've been afraid. I've been afraid to dream of you, to let thoughts and hopes and desires and images of you as part of my life into my heart. I've been protecting myself from being hurt, I suppose, and since the doors have been closed to you being in my belly for a couple months, I felt like I had time. But time is up! Tomorrow we go see Dr Reutinger, and Mama will get the medicine that will help us meet you! So today, finally I've really started to dream. I've dreamed about turning Lexi's room into a room for two, of getting a new Moses basket for you to sleep in next to our bed, of seeing Lexi hold you and love you and sing to you and share with you. One of my favorite friends just had a baby boy, and seeing pictures of her Turkey and Goose cuddling makes me so excited and hopeful! Do you know how long it's been since Mama was full of hope? Months. Since before September Baby, maybe even since before the holidays. Dreams of you give me Hope. I'm going to pray for and fight for that hope, sweet Child of mine, every single day till I hold you in my arms and beyond. I'm gonna ask for your daddy to pray for it, and all our friends. My prayer will be like this:

 Abba Father, 

Thank you so much for all the blessings you've given me. Thank you for hearing my prayers and being above my hopes and my fears. I'm asking today for you to bring us our baby two, strong and healthy, born fully cooked, with straight bones, healthy systems, and a heart that will seek you. For me, I ask that you will fill me with confidence and security in who You are and your love for me. Free me from fear and anxiety, guide my steps and give me wisdom. Please let hope win every battle with fear. For your glory, Amen.

I think this spring, summer, and fall will have incredible memories, and when winter comes, I hope you follow soon.  I love you.

Mama