Today I start clomid, which means we are officially trying for baby two. The reasons this is exciting are obvious. I really have every reason to hope and expect only positive things. I was thinking last night that even more than the month we concieved Lexi, there's no reason to think we won't conceive this month. Especially in light of the new regularity of my cycle and knowing that I ovulated on my own in December for sure.
At the same time, I'm terrified of opening this door. My heart is still so tender and healing from losing September baby, and I never want to feel that pain again. I know that if I do, God will see me through like he has before, but I want to avoid it if at all possible. I'll never understand why I lost my may and September babies, and I don't need to. I do trust that God's plan is perfect and best-I mean, look at Lexi, she's amazing! I only want to move forward from that pain and experience the joy of holding another baby in my body, feeling them grow, and then giving birth and getting to hold them in my arms, love them, teach them, watch them grow, alongside the most beautiful and loving big sister I can imagine. And that's why I'm going to be brave.
Because love *is* an open door. It's taking risks for the greater reward they promise, it's putting others before yourself, it's risking heartache or loss rather than shutting others out to protect oneself. I'm still fighting a war within some days, but...today I'm being brave enough to open up the gates. I have to trust and rest that my loving Father will do the hard part and bring the pieces together just right, and protect our child, once concieved, as they grow inside where I can't see.
Please join us in praying for a new life to begin growing inside me this month, that that baby will be healthy, strong, fully formed, fully cooked, and that we can enjoy a healthy pregnancy without fear.
