Recovery week and cycle goals

I've done my yoga for the day, Lexi and I are all dressed for our walk, and after that's done, I start my recovery week!! It was planned to be the week I take provera, but it looks like I may not have to do that, so it's just going to be a week where I let my body mend and rejuvenate a little bit without sitting totally idle. We will still take our daily walks and play outside. I might even slide in some restorative yoga. Hopefully the rest will also kick start my cycle and we can get this show on the road! 

When I come back to exercise on the 14th, it'll be a week of yoga as my morning workouts. The week after that, I'll either start extreme shed/shred, or be taking provera. I'm hoping for the former. 

This week I started working on a new set of goals in cycle. Up till now it's been "burn all the calories!" And, while that's great and lets me eat like a horse, I'm now trying to get pregnant, and I need to train myself to begin to scale back on intensity, so that I can continue to do so as my pregnancy progresses. The longer I'm able to cycle, the faster my body will remember how when I return to it. 

This week's goal was to keep my heart rate around 160 (85%mhr) instead of letting it go up to 180 when things get intense. It's hard, when you're used to going all out, to limit yourself, even in this reasonable way. My goal by the end of this clomid cycle is to be keeping it around 155. Good luck to me! 

Doctor visit and other thoughts

My doctor's appointment this morning was fantastic! Dr Reutinger says if my period starts in the next 2 weeks I don't need to take provera at all, and that we can just start at the dose of clomid Lexi was concieved with. Easy peasy. He was also impressed by my weight loss. :-) I'm optimistic and hopeful about conceiving soon! 

I have been wrestling with something this afternoon though, and it's really troubling me. I still feel the need to have space from the person in my life who announced her pregnancy in January, not because I'm mad at her,(because God has freed me from that!) but because September Baby would have been due only a week after their baby and it's just too painful a reminder. I also don't want to cast a shadow on their happy time with my pain. I don't like feeling this way, and I intend to crochet my fingers off for this kid, but I really need some space. Please pray that when/if this is communicated, it meets with understanding and not offense and hurt. I just really want to enjoy these next months as we TTC and hopefully enjoy the first months of a new pregnancy. 

Daring to Dream

Dear Baby Two,

I haven't written to you in so long, partly because I've been sad, partly because I've been afraid. I've been afraid to dream of you, to let thoughts and hopes and desires and images of you as part of my life into my heart. I've been protecting myself from being hurt, I suppose, and since the doors have been closed to you being in my belly for a couple months, I felt like I had time. But time is up! Tomorrow we go see Dr Reutinger, and Mama will get the medicine that will help us meet you! So today, finally I've really started to dream. I've dreamed about turning Lexi's room into a room for two, of getting a new Moses basket for you to sleep in next to our bed, of seeing Lexi hold you and love you and sing to you and share with you. One of my favorite friends just had a baby boy, and seeing pictures of her Turkey and Goose cuddling makes me so excited and hopeful! Do you know how long it's been since Mama was full of hope? Months. Since before September Baby, maybe even since before the holidays. Dreams of you give me Hope. I'm going to pray for and fight for that hope, sweet Child of mine, every single day till I hold you in my arms and beyond. I'm gonna ask for your daddy to pray for it, and all our friends. My prayer will be like this:

 Abba Father, 

Thank you so much for all the blessings you've given me. Thank you for hearing my prayers and being above my hopes and my fears. I'm asking today for you to bring us our baby two, strong and healthy, born fully cooked, with straight bones, healthy systems, and a heart that will seek you. For me, I ask that you will fill me with confidence and security in who You are and your love for me. Free me from fear and anxiety, guide my steps and give me wisdom. Please let hope win every battle with fear. For your glory, Amen.

I think this spring, summer, and fall will have incredible memories, and when winter comes, I hope you follow soon.  I love you.

Mama

Four!!!

That is all. 

Still processing

So, this is my final week of all out pedal to the metal exercise before I take a "recovery" week and start the process of concieving baby two with some medical help. I hope. I'm a little anxious that the doctor will want us to wait longer, though I have no reason to be. I'm just weird that way. 

I'm still kinda processing in my head that in 2 weeks when I resume my usual exercise schedule the focus will be something it's never been before. Or maybe that it won't be what it's always been, which is weight loss. I have far surpassed my inch loss/size goal and though I'd love a leaner body, I also know that there is time for that post babies and that a little extra softness is healthy in a woman of childbearing age. I mean, if I'm  trying to get pregnant, what's the point in working toward shredding my abs when I'm about to stretch them out? 

If, for at least the next 10 months, weight loss/getting smaller is not my fitness goal, what is? It's hard to adjust my thinking after 12 years of just wanting to be smaller. I mean, I am where I wanted to be, so baby or not it's time for the focus to shift. However, even as I try to get pregnant and as I go through the early months of pregnancy, I can still strive to be fitter, stronger, healthier. And that's my new focus. 

Old focus: burn all the calories, create at least a 7000 calorie defecit a week!

New focus: be active, eat clean, fine tune form and performance.  

It might be a subtle difference sometimes, but an important one. For instance, in cycle class, I've always pushed as hard as I could trying to burn as many calories as I can, where now I'm going to work toward my best performance while keeping my heart rate in a reasonable zone, even though that likely means a lower burn. Less desperation, I guess. I need to practice this, because like Scott says, I don't really do anything without maximum effort, and I have a tendency to quit if I can't achieve an extreme outcome. If I really want to continue to cycle throughout pregnancy, I need to teach myself to modify. My first level of modification is going to be keeping my heart rate around 160 (my 85%) instead of "below 180" which is like 95% of my max, because once I'm pregnant, I'm gonna have to ease off a bit more even at some point, and I have to teach myself to be ok with that. 

On my DVD workouts, the focus will again shift from "how many calories can I burn?" to "how many solid reps can I do?" And "how can I improve my form?"  A subtle change, but, I think, an important one. I'm focusing on getting stronger and improving, but not killing myself. Fitness becomes a part of life, not it's driving force. 

I plan on continuing to count calories through these months and through pregnancy because it keeps me aware and because I need to be sure I'm eating enough. However, as pregnancy progresses, I won't be eating at a defecit anymore. My goal is a fit pregnancy where I gain the weight the baby needs me to but not a bunch of extra. I want to be able to bounce back physically, not just aesthetically but energy wise so I can be at my best for both of my children. I am also striving for an active enough pregnancy that I can wait as long as possible to go on my anxiety meds if I need to go on them at all.  

The next few months will likely be quite a ride mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I get to learn to strive to be my best fitness wise, to do what I need to in order to get pregnant, to rest in the One who ultimately has control over that, and when it happens, to enjoy every minute without letting fear steal it. That last part may be harder than the rest combined. 

Self care and time management

I have gotten so bad about self-care since September Baby left us.  Brushing my teeth, washing my face, applying a little makeup,styling my hair (or, let's be real, brushing it, if I'm not going anywhere. ) these things aren't essential to life, but they make huge difference in my well being and not one of them takes a lot of time. I have created two blocks in each day that are my time, and I think I just need to be managing them better, because if I took 10 min in the morning and 5 at night, maybe an extra 30 once or twice a week, I could feel so much less... Blah. I need to. Ale these things habitual so that when pregnancy happens and then I suddenly have two sweet angels to love on, I'm feeling good enough to include myself In the pictures that mark their lives. It's why you almost never see a picture of me. I look like death most of the time and don't want that memorialized. 😝 just stuff I'm sorting through...

A new angle on fitness

As we transition into trying to get pregnant again, I've realized it's probably time to look at fitness a little differently too. Whether I want or believe or admit it or not, I've lost the majority of what I need to lose, and, now I need to shift my focus from dropping pounds to refining my fitness, from having a huge deficit to building strength, balance, endurance, and focus. I have a tendency to overtrain, and this is just not time for that. I don't want to stop pushing myself, because, I mean, until I was 10 weeks along with Lexi I kept working out 17 hours a week, and everything was beyond fine. However, I have less time and energy now than I did then, and I want to keep everything reasonable.

I've upped everything for the past month in an effort to get a boost while my body is my own, but now I've evaluated what's sustainable and smart for the next few months. This is kinda emotional in a weird way, because I've had to plan something that will continue to challenge me but also something that is going to be safe through my first trimester of pregnancy, even though I don't know when I'll actually get pregnant. It's tough in a way I can't fully express.  I tried out the hardest workout I'll be doing I. The whole plan, and it's reasonably manageable, so I'm confident it won't be too hard when I get there again in July. I've planned out the next 16 weeks (including this week), keeping to the format I was using in the fall: 

M: 30 min workout/walk

Tu: 30 min workout (or yoga, which might be longer)/ walk/cycle

Wed: walk

TR: 30 min workout/walk/cycle

F: 30 min workout/walk

Sa: walk

It's gonna be hard for me to wrap my mind around not looking for dramatic results, either on the scale or in my clothing size. I've bought a pair of size 4 capris, and they will be my only real tangible gauge, but I'm hoping to keep surprising myself with what I'm able to do. By the end of my current plan I'll be at most 14 weeks pregnant, and at that point in the pregnancy I'll transition into my pregnancy fitness program, which I'll share more about then.