Loving my Body:Step 3

I need to stop beating myself up mentally. If I miss a workout, or sleep in late, or eat a non-paleo dessert, I am not a failure. Today I intentionally slept in. I have worked out so hard this week (and I'm not done yet!) but my body clock hasn't quite shifted, so I haven't been falling asleep until close to midnight, and this can be a real problem when I'm getting up at 7AM. Because I woke up at 630 feeling so run down, I decided that today I needed to sleep in. And, y'know what? That's OK! It doesn't make me weak or lazy or undisciplined, it means I'm taking care of all aspects of my health, and not running my body into the ground! I'm still going to do my interval training today, go to the pool with Lexi, maybe take a walk this evening and do some Yoga. I'm just doing it on a little more sleep. 

Loving my body for real in baby steps, and step 1&2

Yesterday I read an incredible blog post ( http://revolutionfromhome.com/2013/06/why-the-world-needs-to-see-our-stretch-marks-this-summer/)that kinda slapped me in the face about my body image issues. It challenged us as women, and moms in particular not to just accept our bodies (and the changes that come for most of us by having babies) but to love them. To celebrate where we are and what along the journey has brought us here. 

For me, this acceptance vs love thing hit home. You see, I have this complex, where, except in the case of Scott, Lexi, Mike, Kelly, and some people from church (who I know love me very much), I feel like most people in my life accept me. They don't hate me, they tolerate me, on a good day they enjoy my company. Now, I'm not saying that's true, it's just an insecurity/self worth thing, and I'm working on it. But I am intimately familiar with the difference between being loved and accepted. This is a change I need to make in how I view myself. Especially because some days I don't even accept me. 

I need to make this change now. Right now, because I do not want to pass this on to Lexi. I want her to love herself and her body and learn how strong and beautiful it is and how to take good care of it. I don't want her to compare herself to others and feel like a failure for not measuring up-at least as far as I can prevent it, I know everyone struggles to a point with this. 

So, the first step is this: deciding to make a change. Deciding to believe the things that inspire me, like "Strong is the new skinny" and yes, push myself to be stronger, better, able to work harder-but for the purpose of being the best me, not to be as model thin and "perfect" looking as my little sister (who doesn't have an endocrine disorder, has not carried a child, and doesn't have one to take care of 24/7). If you've read this far, you obviously care about me. Please help me with my self talk. 

Step 2 is to remove the things that are discouraging me. One major way I can do this is to get rid of some clothes. I have many clothes in many sizes, "for when I can fit them" or in the case of the ones that are too big "in case I need them", which, in both cases is kind of self defeating. Keeping the larger clothes shows that part of me expects failure, and the smaller ones are just unfair. I don't know what my body is gonna look like at a size 8, but I'm fairly certain the jeans I wore when I was 17 are not gonna be the same ones I wear at 31. I have curves now! So, what I think I'll do, is go through my closet and pare down, with the intention of buying smaller clothes as I fit them. I may keep a few favorite items, but only if they are realistic. No more mental torture from clothes. One thing I learned while pregnant: so much better to have a small wardrobe that I feel great in than a huge one that makes me depressed. :-) 

Living in the now

I was beginning to feel like I was ready to spend my mornings at the gym again, working out at least 2h, and building my life around it like I did sept-dec 2011. After all, that was the happiest and healthiest I'd ever been pre-Lexi, so of course I should be in a hurry to get back to it. I do miss my morning gym family, and I really miss yoga classes. Right now though, I treasure the relaxed mornings we have, where Lexi can sleep in as late as she wants and we can do our thing. I'm starting to get my sleep schedule fixed. Which is good, and my workouts are becoming more consistent again. What I'm saying is, I know I'll enjoy my gym mornings again, but I'm not gonna rush it because what we have right now is really special too. 

Battling fatigue.

So, my period has been "trying" to come for about 6-7 weeks now. Or longer. It seems like ages. The past 6 weeks at least, though, I've felt like garbage physically, mentally,and emotionally-well, overall. Some days have been okay in some areas, and awful in others, and right after a workout is always awesome. The workouts have been far fewer than I need though.  Other than for weight loss and fitness, exercise is my medication. It's my best weapon in the struggle against my sometimes crippling anxiety and depression.  So I need my workouts at least 5x a week, if not in some form daily. Other than the anxiety/depression, here's what this state of hormonal limbo is gifting me:

-bloatedness. Yay! The few clothes I have that fit don't fit day to day!

-irritability. Grr.

---cramps-enough said.

-extreme fatigue-this is the worst part. I feel like a limp noodle. This is a huge part of why working out hadn't been happening. It's a battle every day to get up and give Lexi the energetic mama she deserves. Some days are more successful than others. 

-sleeplessness. Doesn't help with the fatigue. 

Milestone

My pre-Lexi jeans fit! The jeans I wore to the doctor's office for that first ultrasound. Heck, I think I wore them the day she was conceived! ;-) I'm a little mooshier around the middle than I was then, but unless something catastrophic happens, it means come fall (when I actually want to wear denim) ill be buying at "worst" the same size jeans I was wearing at 16 when I met Scott, but fairly likely, smaller ones. I'll be happy either way, as long as I am continuing to get stronger and fitter. It's always a tough gap between the 12 and the 19 for me, and I'm hoping this is the last time I have to bridge it. Even after another baby-next time I'm going to a) stay active during the pregnancy so I can bounce back faster after energy wise,  b) not eat 3 pbj's a day for months and gain 15 breastfeeding pounds! :-P and c) get back to the gym as soon as I'm allowed rather than waiting 8 months. You heard me-this is the last time I bridge this gap if I can help it!