Hoping and learning to trust.

So, here we are, in the "baby dance" phase of our second clomid cycle. I want to be optimistic and hopeful and expect good things, but I have to be honest, after last month, after 3 weeks of really being sure I was pregnant, I'm finding it hard to do either. I've decided to do my best to focus on what's in front of me, Lexi, my workouts, Scott, youth stuff, over the next 2.5-3 weeks, and I'm praying for the strength to trust. 

Here's the thing: I fully believe God has perfect timing, and I do trust that His plan is best. My struggle comes with the limbo of active waiting. If it's gonna be years or even many months before we are solidly pregnant with our next healthy baby, I don't want to be actively "trying" and hoping that whole time. It's so incredibly painful and lonely and heartbreaking and I flat out don't wanna do it anymore. I went through it for 10 months, lost a baby, and went through it for another 60 months before concieving Lexi, then started all over last September. Took 4 months, then 2 months in, another loss, and 2 months after that we started trying again, with the same dose of the same drug that gave us Lexi, i was pretty sure for weeks that I was pregnant, then came the heartbreak of finding out I was wrong. 

That's 74 times I hoped and was disappointed and twice I lost a baby I'd cried out to God for. That's also 78 times I've picked up the pieces and opened up to trying again. People tell me "just stop trying, trust God, and it'll happen when it should." Like it's that easy after all this. There is definitely truth in that advice, and I am fighting myself daily to trust, but here's something that frustrates me: if someone wanted a career, a promotion, to go to a certain school, or to achieve any life goal, you wouldn't tell them not to pursue it with all they have in them. And in all those things, hard work and determination make all the difference. But in my situation, passionately  pursuing my dream of having many children is seen as desperate and overly emotional and something I should just sit back and wait for. 

I've considered stopping putting myself through all this and just waiting till we have a house and can adopt, but there are two main issues with that.

1. That's not in line with what Scott and I both believe God has put on our hearts. We may adopt one day, but we believe God wants us to have another biological child, and that He is going to bless us for persevering.

2. If we leave it to adoption only, I'll never get the chance to nurse again. That might sound silly, but let me explain. My entire life up to December of 2011 I felt like a failure at anything I'd ever attempted. Then I watched amazed as God used my body to create and grow a new life, and then when Lexi was born, that same body grew and nourished a perfectly healthy child for a full year exclusive of any other food. (She had a few bites here and there, but milk was her nutrition.). I was able to continue nursing her another 7 months, and might still be going if we hadn't lost September baby. Nursing Lexi was a defining gift for me and my heart breaks anytime I consider that I might not get to do it again. 

God knows my heart though, and my situation, and I have to trust that He has something beautiful on the horizon. I'm really trying to, one day at a time. 

I need right now. You guys. I need prayers. I need hugs. I need to vent, a lot, but I'm too afraid of being seen as too needy to reach out to anyone directly. My heart is such a mess. I need. 

Goal setting

So, I need to fill my waiting time actively and productively. This will reduce stress, make time go faster, and hopefully keep me too busy to dwell. Some of these goals will have dates associated, some will be for the whole month/cycle.

They'll fall under these categories: spiritual, marriage, Lexi, fitness, home. 

Spiritual:

-consistent devotions/prayer/prayer for others

-spend more time preparing for youth lesson and praying for students 

-look for and list the ways God is showing himself trustworthy

Marriage:

-plan/execute date night weekly

-find ways to show appreciation for Scott daily

- pray for Scott daily 

Lexi:

-learning time daily (books, puzzles, singing, etc)

- outside time daily weather permitting

-spend time doing what she wants-she will never have me to herself again. Let's make the most of it. 

Fitness:

-continue push up program

-eat all calories

-stay consistent with workouts/cycle

-keep heart rate in safe zone during cycle

Home: 

-get living room/Lexi bookshelf/kitchen ready for storage unit (by 5/28)

- my/Lexi's closets/Lexi's room ready for storage unit (by 6/4)

-things rearranged/settled/house caught up (by 6/6) 

-keep up with housework chart (starting 6/6)

Deflated

So my period came yesterday. Disappointment isn't even the right word. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, frustrated, confused, and don't want to ride this roller coaster anymore. 

I'm struggling with my faith more this year then I ever have before, and I have to ask myself why. I mean, I know the events that have led to this fearful place, but why have I become so afraid and so unable to trust? I keep coming back to the concept of where my house is built. If God is a solid rock, and my trust is in Him, then I'm safe. But I don't feel safe. I feel like every time I get my feet under me I'm knocked over by another wave. Is my house built on the rock but I'm not there? Am I standing on the beach instead? I believe that He loves me and has my best in mind, but I  am having so much trouble following on a path I can't see far ahead on. I feel like if I'm not going to have another baby anytime soon, if clomid is not going to work, then I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to be wasting my time and emotions trying. If now isn't the time, then I don't want to be trying now, just suffering month after month of heartbreak. Not to mention the fact that we only get so many shots with clomid. But, you know what, God knows all this. He does. And He is calling me to chill out and trust Him. 

Scott has started saying to me "don't try to run the whole race today." And he's right. I just need to live each day doing what's given to me that day and not be overwhelmed by all that lies ahead. So hard for me, when my struggle with fear is so deep. But I need to practice now finding peace and trusting Him, because like I said yesterday, I do not want to live in fear and miss out on the magic of being pregnant. I'm a tiny bit relieved, because a little more time to wrestle through and ask God to change me might have a huge payoff. So, you might be seeing me wrestle with this as well as my physical journey over the next weeks. I'm hungry for heart change in this area, and if you're reading this, I have three prayer requests:

1. That I would truly be able to rest and trust in God's plan, and know and believe that He has something better coming than anything I see passing me by.

2. That I would find joy and peace in this journey, that they would replace fear and sadness. That the remainder of our journey to concieving and growing baby two would be healthy, happy, and low on fear and sad tears. 

3. That the clomid and the timing of our baby dance this month would result in a healthy, strong baby who will grow and grow, be born fully cooked, and grow up to love Jesus. 

Faith not fear

Folks, I feel so overwhelmed. I haven't tested yet to confirm that I'm pregnant-we were planning on waiting 2 more days, but may test tomorrow-but I'm more sure than I've ever been. And possibly more afraid. I've said that I don't need to know why we lost September baby, and I don't, but I'm really struggling to find hope that this pregnancy will turn out differently. I guess it's because I don't feel like I have anything concrete to pin my hope on. And then I'm reminded of a hymn: 

"My hope is built on nothing less 

than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground is sinking sand"

There's my answer, I guess. And how appropriate that it ties into the lesson we discussed at youth group this past week. We talked about storms and the parable of the wise man building his house on the rock. The question was posed "why do storms scare us?" And one student responded with an answer that said it all: "because we aren't in control of the situation."

Boy does that ring true for me, especially in the area of pregnancy. In every other area of my life it's been exponentially easier to trust God to take care of me than in this one. I don't worry much about money or my own health, I care a lot about relationships, but nothing rivals the way I feel/worry about having babies. Part of this is related to a complex I have about my ability to have children being a measure of my value, and I'm working on resetting that, but right now the bigger part is this: I have spent my entire life wanting to be a mother, and nothing else, and yet having babies has been the biggest challenge I've ever faced. Getting pregnant is the first hurdle, and that is rough in itself, but then staying pregnant may be a challenge too? It just feels so scary to fight for hope and faith just to have my heart broken. It feels terribly risky, and I'm terribly risk averse. 

I know that my attitude should be just to submit to whatever He has for my life, and find peace that it's the best for me. That's the faith that I know is best. I struggle though, to find the balance between that and the passionate person God has made me to be. 

I do not want to spend the next 7.5 months (or however long if I'm not pregnant now) in fear. I don't want to spend the next 3 weeks before I see this baby's heartbeat in fear. I want with all my heart to enjoy pregnancy, to celebrate all the "oh wow" moments instead of creating "oh no" moments. I don't want to look back and say, "I did it again, I was silly, worried over nothing, and missed it."

Father, 

You know my heart. You know my deep deep desire for more children. You know my heartache and my brokenness. I am crying out to you for strength, for the ability to trust you, to hope and to enjoy. I'm asking you now that I would be pregnant right now with a strong healthy baby. Im asking that that baby will be born fully cooked and fully formed. I'm asking you to please relieve me of fear, that I can enjoy the Gift and the beauty and magic of the child growing inside me. Please fill me with peace and joy such that there is no room for fear. Please make this time so different from the others. I need you. I cannot handle this on my own, my heart is too weak. I need you, I need you, I need you. 

The struggle is real

I'm continuing to be frustrated with my workout performance. It makes me both hopeful (that I'm pregnant) and annoyed (because if I'm not, this is not ok, and I didn't go through this early in my pregnancy with Lexi...at least not that I can remember). I got through level 2 of Killer Abs today and did fairly well, modifying as needed, and taking an inordinate number of breaks. I'm trying to be patient with myself, and let myself hope a little that this is for a good reason. 

I'm also a bit cranky that I went to bed late last night so I'm a bit tired. And cranky that my belly feels so bloated (trying not to read into that) that I might feel gross in my new swimsuit if I wear it today to lay out. 

Today is day 28 of my cycle. Normally that would mean nothing, since my period has never come on that day, however, this month it's a day that I could conceivably (hahahahaha no pun intended) take a pregnancy test. But, we've decided to wait. I thought maybe I'd take it Sunday, for Mother's Day, but Scott wisely advised against that. So, the plan is to wait two more weeks, at which time we should be able to get a clear answer and either make a dr's appt to see the baby on ultrasound, or start provera, depending on the answer. So, there's where we are.  

Today has been hard so far.

I woke up with that moment of "I have something to be excited about!" Like Christmas morning or the day you are going on vacation. Then I remembered-well, maybe. I've never struggled so much with the waiting. I mean, I suspected I was pregnant in December before it was time to test, but I suspected even earlier this time and I'm a little afraid I'm going to be let down, and I'm a lot afraid to hope. 

Losing September Baby didn't destroy my faith, though it's still pretty shaken up. I don't understand why God allowed my broken heart to be blessed with hope and then let that hope be shattered. I may never understand. And on one hand, I don't need to. On another, I'm finding in this process that I have to find some way to believe and hope that we are going to have another healthy baby, or I'm going to spend my entire pregnancy (starting now, or in a month or two) miserable and paralyzed by fear. I can't live like that. I want to celebrate and enjoy the pregnancy I've waited and prayed and cried out to God for, I want to enjoy it with a freedom I've never had to enjoy pregnancy. 

Will you pray for two things for me? 1:That I'm pregnant right now and the baby will be healthy and strong and cook long enough

2: that I will be free from fear to enjoy and celebrate this next pregnancy.

All the whys

So this morning during our walk I started a familiar line of thinking:

"If you're not pregnant this month you could just close the door and not try to have more children. Look how wonderful Lexi is. Look at how fit you've gotten. You could keep your body and your one easy child and just enjoy it without having to go through all this limbo and risk and heartache."

Now, I'm fully aware that this is fear masking in contentment. It's me trying to protect myself. The best things in life come with a bit of risk, and in my experience, motherhood is the very best. 

So I then asked myself, "why do you want a baby so bad?" And there are many reasons! One is that I love being pregnant. I love all the magic and growth and bonding and promise that comes with it. I found giving birth an incredible experience, even with a 57 hour labor. Maybe the biggest immediate reason I want another baby is because I want another *baby*! I love babies, and when Lexi was one I thrived. I knew what to do from the first moment and it was just what I was MADE for, the nursing, cuddling, diapers, all of it put me in my element and I crave it again. The second big reason, equal to this one is that I really want Lexi to have a sibling. I was an only child for a long time, and even once I had siblings, they were so much younger that it felt more like a constant babysitting job than the siblinghood I saw in other families. I want Lexi to have what Scott did growing up, the opportunity for a built in best friend. They may not be close due to personality, but even in that there are lessons and growth.

There are other reasons, like my fear that if I don't have a ton of kids I'm useless as a woman, or that I'm less than other women because it's harder for me to have them, but I'm choosing daily to ignore these lies. 

The only reasons *not* to keep trying are selfish ones, so I can rest fairly securely that we are on the right path. I'm still gonna keep praying that there is a little person growing right now! 

More of the same

I'm writing about this a lot, but it's because if I have to go through this whole TTC thing again in a couple years I want to have a record of what it was like this time around. And because talking things out is how I process and feel better, instead of letting them build up in my head. So, this is gonna sound a lot like some posts from late December and early January. 

A lot of little things are making me think I'm pregnant. It started way too early in the cycle for me not to feel like a crazy person, though, and that's why I'm struggling so much I think. Or maybe I'm fighting hope. I want to hope, but in light of what we've been through recently, hoping seems foolish and seeing signs of pregnancy three weeks into the cycle seems even more so. I had suspicions in December, but not as early as this time. I was right though. It's mostly the same stuff: weird feelings in my lower abdomen, nausea from time to time (especially during my morning workout), decreased performance during these workouts, flatulence (I'm being real here), elevated heart rate, shortness of breath-these last two occurring at unexpected times for someone at my fitness level, dizzy spells, weird dreams (though not too crazy yet this time)...I dunno. It's mostly the exercise stuff. I just don't know what to make of it, and I don't know if I'm more frustrated by the decreased performance itself, or the fact that it's making me hope. I think the latter. I don't feel like these workouts are particularly difficult or intense, but my body isn't responding to them as I'd expect. It's not my muscles getting fatigued, it's my heart rate jumping that's forcing me to take breaks. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. I just don't know. 

Deja vu all over again

My period isn't due till Thursday, but I feel like someone might already be growing inside me...at least I hope so. 

Because if not, I'm very frustrated. My workout performance last week was abysmal compared to what it has been. Also, I'm feeling bloated and swollen round the middle and holding a few extra pounds, for no discernible reason. These things, if unaccompanied by a baby, are really disheartening. If there's a baby, I can accept and embrace them. If there's no baby, I can push through and perform better, I can clean up my food, drink more water, whatever. Time will tell, but I'm struggling in the meantime. Blar.