Four!!!

That is all. 

Still processing

So, this is my final week of all out pedal to the metal exercise before I take a "recovery" week and start the process of concieving baby two with some medical help. I hope. I'm a little anxious that the doctor will want us to wait longer, though I have no reason to be. I'm just weird that way. 

I'm still kinda processing in my head that in 2 weeks when I resume my usual exercise schedule the focus will be something it's never been before. Or maybe that it won't be what it's always been, which is weight loss. I have far surpassed my inch loss/size goal and though I'd love a leaner body, I also know that there is time for that post babies and that a little extra softness is healthy in a woman of childbearing age. I mean, if I'm  trying to get pregnant, what's the point in working toward shredding my abs when I'm about to stretch them out? 

If, for at least the next 10 months, weight loss/getting smaller is not my fitness goal, what is? It's hard to adjust my thinking after 12 years of just wanting to be smaller. I mean, I am where I wanted to be, so baby or not it's time for the focus to shift. However, even as I try to get pregnant and as I go through the early months of pregnancy, I can still strive to be fitter, stronger, healthier. And that's my new focus. 

Old focus: burn all the calories, create at least a 7000 calorie defecit a week!

New focus: be active, eat clean, fine tune form and performance.  

It might be a subtle difference sometimes, but an important one. For instance, in cycle class, I've always pushed as hard as I could trying to burn as many calories as I can, where now I'm going to work toward my best performance while keeping my heart rate in a reasonable zone, even though that likely means a lower burn. Less desperation, I guess. I need to practice this, because like Scott says, I don't really do anything without maximum effort, and I have a tendency to quit if I can't achieve an extreme outcome. If I really want to continue to cycle throughout pregnancy, I need to teach myself to modify. My first level of modification is going to be keeping my heart rate around 160 (my 85%) instead of "below 180" which is like 95% of my max, because once I'm pregnant, I'm gonna have to ease off a bit more even at some point, and I have to teach myself to be ok with that. 

On my DVD workouts, the focus will again shift from "how many calories can I burn?" to "how many solid reps can I do?" And "how can I improve my form?"  A subtle change, but, I think, an important one. I'm focusing on getting stronger and improving, but not killing myself. Fitness becomes a part of life, not it's driving force. 

I plan on continuing to count calories through these months and through pregnancy because it keeps me aware and because I need to be sure I'm eating enough. However, as pregnancy progresses, I won't be eating at a defecit anymore. My goal is a fit pregnancy where I gain the weight the baby needs me to but not a bunch of extra. I want to be able to bounce back physically, not just aesthetically but energy wise so I can be at my best for both of my children. I am also striving for an active enough pregnancy that I can wait as long as possible to go on my anxiety meds if I need to go on them at all.  

The next few months will likely be quite a ride mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I get to learn to strive to be my best fitness wise, to do what I need to in order to get pregnant, to rest in the One who ultimately has control over that, and when it happens, to enjoy every minute without letting fear steal it. That last part may be harder than the rest combined. 

Self care and time management

I have gotten so bad about self-care since September Baby left us.  Brushing my teeth, washing my face, applying a little makeup,styling my hair (or, let's be real, brushing it, if I'm not going anywhere. ) these things aren't essential to life, but they make huge difference in my well being and not one of them takes a lot of time. I have created two blocks in each day that are my time, and I think I just need to be managing them better, because if I took 10 min in the morning and 5 at night, maybe an extra 30 once or twice a week, I could feel so much less... Blah. I need to. Ale these things habitual so that when pregnancy happens and then I suddenly have two sweet angels to love on, I'm feeling good enough to include myself In the pictures that mark their lives. It's why you almost never see a picture of me. I look like death most of the time and don't want that memorialized. 😝 just stuff I'm sorting through...

A new angle on fitness

As we transition into trying to get pregnant again, I've realized it's probably time to look at fitness a little differently too. Whether I want or believe or admit it or not, I've lost the majority of what I need to lose, and, now I need to shift my focus from dropping pounds to refining my fitness, from having a huge deficit to building strength, balance, endurance, and focus. I have a tendency to overtrain, and this is just not time for that. I don't want to stop pushing myself, because, I mean, until I was 10 weeks along with Lexi I kept working out 17 hours a week, and everything was beyond fine. However, I have less time and energy now than I did then, and I want to keep everything reasonable.

I've upped everything for the past month in an effort to get a boost while my body is my own, but now I've evaluated what's sustainable and smart for the next few months. This is kinda emotional in a weird way, because I've had to plan something that will continue to challenge me but also something that is going to be safe through my first trimester of pregnancy, even though I don't know when I'll actually get pregnant. It's tough in a way I can't fully express.  I tried out the hardest workout I'll be doing I. The whole plan, and it's reasonably manageable, so I'm confident it won't be too hard when I get there again in July. I've planned out the next 16 weeks (including this week), keeping to the format I was using in the fall: 

M: 30 min workout/walk

Tu: 30 min workout (or yoga, which might be longer)/ walk/cycle

Wed: walk

TR: 30 min workout/walk/cycle

F: 30 min workout/walk

Sa: walk

It's gonna be hard for me to wrap my mind around not looking for dramatic results, either on the scale or in my clothing size. I've bought a pair of size 4 capris, and they will be my only real tangible gauge, but I'm hoping to keep surprising myself with what I'm able to do. By the end of my current plan I'll be at most 14 weeks pregnant, and at that point in the pregnancy I'll transition into my pregnancy fitness program, which I'll share more about then.  

Encouraging Thoughts

As we are about to enter this new and possibly exhausting season of fertility drugs, bloodwork, and scheduled intimacy again after two and a half years, I want to take a little time to write about the reasons I have to be encouraged and hopeful about the outcome of even the first month. 

- I am fitter than I have ever been at any point in my life, physically. I have been exercising hard and consistently for going on eight solid months now, and every week I'm amazed by what I can do.

-my menstrual cycle is more normal and predictable than it's ever been before in my life. Ever. Since my period came back in July, I've missed one period other than when I was pregnant, and they all came at the exact same interval (5w2d) except this last one after the loss, which came at 6w to the day.

- I'm also fairly certain I ovulated Friday, on day 14 of my cycle-right on time! This is huge, since the major barrier to my fertility has always been the fact that I wasn't cycling or ovulating. I think that barrier seems to have been removed, and I'm so thankful!

-clomid worked perfectly for us on only the second try back in 2011, but there's more to it than that. The first month I didn't ovulate. It wasn't the right dose of the medication. But what that means is, the very first month on the right dose, I not only ovulated, but conceived! It was totally a God thing, and His timing, and I'm not taking anything from that, but wow, if I could go from not ovulating at all to pregnant with a strong healthy baby in one cycle, it seems even easier to go from a body that seems to be ovulating (and has ovulated for sure in the past few months) already to pregnant with a strong healthy baby.  And yes, I do have a secret greedy hope for twins...

As much as I am hesitant to hope and get excited on one hand, there is a part of me that is starting to get really really excited. I know God can do this, no problem, and that all the parts seem to be lining up well. All that's left is to jump in and let Him do it!

Fitness stuff

3 weeks into this Bob Month I'm getting stronger and fitter for sure, and that's awesome. I'm probably getting a little smaller too, but it's hard to tell, because, whether I want to believe it or not, I'm pretty small (for me) and there's just not that much left to melt off. I am still not BFF with my belly, but like I've said before, that's something I'm not really gonna sweat till baby growing days are done. I'm gonna build strong abs, but I don't need to see them right now. I'd like there to be less fat on my arms to go with my "ropes n guns" as Scott calls them, but that's gonna take time too, as we know spot reduction is impossible. Other than that, I kinda love my body. How cool is that? I'm never gonna be shaped like the "ideal" woman, and that's fine. I have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and not much waist, and that's fine because I'm so strong and getting stronger. 

I don't know if I'm eating enough though. :-/ I haven't lost any weight in almost 2 mos on the scale, and I dunno if I'm just swapping muscle for fat or what. It could be hormones from weaning Lexi, I dunno. I do know I'm not eating too much. I rarely hit my calorie allowance on workout days, and I'm really trying to fix that. On rest days I'm starving though and have to fight not to scarf down everything in sight. I guess I could give myself the leftover calories from workout days on rest days...

It's almost time

I want to write more about the fertility journey and -God willing- pregnancy experience this time, so I'm going to start now. Hopefully I'll get to record the mental/emotional experience, and maybe process things that don't make sense in my head or seem overwhelming by "talking" them out, and record and remember more of the amazing physical journey of change that my body will get to experience. This started out as a weight loss/fitness blog, but has become far more to me, and I'm hoping it can somehow find a way to encourage and inspire others even as I document the everyday.

 In thirteen days I go see Dr Reutinger and lay out the plan for conceiving Baby Two. I'm fairly familiar with the process, as it's not complicated, and I've been through it before. I'll share more about that after the appointment. I feel a bit nervous about this appointment not because anything could really go wrong, but because it's the start of trying again, in a more "official" way than just tossing out the condoms and seeing what happens like we did in late summer/early fall. This is a much more active step, and as such, the stakes feel a bit higher mentally/emotionally. Also, and I'm sure I've mentioned this before, there is such a vulnerability in TTC for me, an opening the door to the very real chance of heartbreak like we just experienced in January, and that aspect I don't have words for. There is no answer to it, other than to know that the reward far outweighs the risk, as evidenced by the beautiful soul sleeping in the next room right now, and to believe that God has put this desire to grow another child in my womb deep in my heart, and that he will make that happen. 

I've struggled more with my faith in the past two months than at any point in my life. I've felt hurt and confused and even angry that my tears and prayers could be answered with such a great blessing as a totally natural pregnancy, only to have my heart shattered. I couldn't see a loving God in those circumstances. I did (and do) see Him though, in the church family who has hugged me, fed me, gone out to lunch with me when I couldn't face going home, told me it's okay to grieve, affirmed that my loss is real and not brushed it off,the women telling me I'm not alone, and that they look forward to celebrating Baby Two also, all these things I never had with our first loss. I see Him in the husband who holds me close and grieves alongside me, who hopes and has such great optimism about our future children, in the small girl who LOVES babies, and will make a fantastic big sister, but for now is my one and only. I see Him in the peace that comforts me and hunger I feel to have more of Him because it soothes my broken heart. I see Him in the strength I'm finding to open this door again, to take the risk and be brave.

I'm learning every day to balance preparation and having systems in place with letting God work and losing my need to control. A fitness plan for pregnancy is a good thing, for example, and that's a system that will benefit me, but this time around, I hope I won't let the fear in. I hope I can daily trust what I can't see to the One who can. I don't do regret really, but the only thing I'd like to have been different in my pregnancy with Lexi was the way I let fear win. Part of it was chemical, and I accept that, but I'm really hoping this time to be stronger in my ability to trust. Laying in bed, hand on belly all day won't be an option, which is probably a good thing, (Thank God for Lexi!) but I'm praying now that the spirit of fear that led to that behavior just won't even get a chance to invade this time. Please join me now in praying that.

If you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for being invested enough in me to click over, and your prayers and encouragement mean the world to me. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey.

Let it Go

It's become everyone's theme song, which irks me, because I hate feeling like a bandwagon rider, but this morning when we finally saw Frozen, I wept openly like a child, because I, in so many ways, have been Elsa most of my life. I've lived in fear, in shame, hidden my light, let others tell me "conceal, don't feel" at different times, and obeyed to make them happy and comfortable, limited myself to being what would make others happy and was therefore safe. I've missed out on opportunities, on relationships, isolated myself, it just goes on. 

Fear and shame have held me back on the fertility journey too. I've been afraid to actively pursue treating my condition at different points for fear of heartbreak or looking like a failure. Well, I've survived the "cold" of those, so I'm letting go of that too, with God's help, every day. 

I didn't realize how much I was relating until Scott and I were talking, and I was describing Elsa and her struggle,

 "well, she had this gift, and didn't know what to do with it so she was afraid, especially when it could have hurt her sister so badly, so she decided to just isolate herself, and her parents encouraged her to do so and to cover up so she didn't risk, and she never learned how to use it in a happy and beautiful way. Look, when she is free and happy she can create beauty, it's only fear and shame that cause destruction. She has to find joy in her gifts to use them, not be afraid and lose that ability and they become a liability."  

Scott looked at me and said "are you talking about Elsa or you?" 

And that kinda said it all for me. The reason I reacted so viscerally to Let it Go was because I've, probably over three years, slowly been building to that level of setting myself free from fear and trying to be what I think will make others happy and like me. I've never had many friends, and I've done ok in the "cold" of living without being popular, especially in the ways I've managed to stay true to who I am. I've realized in the past six months that there is one little corner of my life where I haven't been brave enough to "let it go" and where I've felt pressure and fear and let it rule me, and this is the turning point for that. From here out, as long as it honors God, I'm not pretending. I'm building my beautiful ice  castle(you're all welcome to visit though!), my hair is down, and I'm clothed in sparkling blue. 

The cold never bothered me anyway. 

A prayer from a broken heart.

Father, 

You know all of me. You know all the ugliness I am struggling against right now, and the whole situation surrounding it. You know all the hearts involved and all of our weaknesses, and also our desires to glorify you, even if we aren't always good at it. You know how I've hurt and how I've been hurt, and you've allowed every sorrow for a purpose, for your glory.

Right now I'm struggling with unforgiveness. The people I need to forgive may never apologize or realize where they were wrong, but I'm not responsible for that. I'm responsible to not let my hurt and anger become a wall between you and I. I thought we'd made some good progress a week ago, but something made it flare up as big as ever the past few days, and I just want it gone. I want this burden off my shoulders, and to be able to glorify you through how I love people. I want, though I also dread-to love like you, regardless of condition or circumstance. I want healing and peace in this relationship. I don't need to be best friends, but I want there to be no tension, at least on my end. I can't control their end, but Father please free me from bitterness and give my heart a fresh perspective. Please help me to let go of my anger and hurt and replace them with peace and contentment and hope. I know there are complicated aspects to this situation that only you can see the answer to right now, but I ask that each day you'll show me how you want me to love, and to renew my heart with your love. I know my words aren't all that clear, but I know you see beyond them and I thank you for that. 

Weaning update

Well, just like everything else since she was conceived, weaning Lexi was much less dramatic, scary, stressful, everything than expected. We are now ten days into my plan, and not only has she not nursed, she hasn't even asked. The final test for me was last night when it was time to take a shower together. Scott has given her baths over the past week to make the transition easier, but the shower is just more convenient, so I wanted to see if we were ready to resume. When she first saw me topless, Lexi grinned and pointed and announced "NUM NUMS!" And that was it. No asking for milk, no trying to latch on in the shower-which used to happen at least twice per shower. Just a laid back girl. 

I'll be honest, I'm a little sad that it's over. I choked up folding my nursing bras and tanks for the last time for at least 10 months, I miss looking down and seeing her peeking at me while she sucks, and being reminded of all the beautiful moments like that since the day she was born. I mourn the passing of this phase of our relationship that has been with us from the start. I also know that it opens doors to so many new experiences in the months and years to come by opening the door to welcoming our Baby Two. I am fighting for hope in that area, and I want to blog about that part of this journey, but when I think about it I don't know where to begin. Part of the struggle is that so much of my pain-over half, if it could be quantified- is wrapped up in situations involving other people, and I don't know exactly how to deal with that except to live the life I've been given one day at a time and one foot in front of the other, constantly in prayer. Maybe I could write about that. 

Nervous excited delighted

Tomorrow begins my new workout program, and I'm giving myself a pep talk. Just do your best. You don't have to rep out on everything. Start with the weights that work for you, you can work up to bigger ones. You can hit pause whenever you need to, and by the end of five weeks you'll be hitting it less often. 

Which has led me to thinking about what my goals are for this month. I'd like to see that 150 on the scale for sure, but I don't want that to be my big goal because at this point in my journey more than ever, that number is no reflection on my fitness or my progress. Here are things I'd really like to see though:

-I'd like to see a marked improvement in my performance on the strength workout between tomorrow and April 3. I want to have better stamina, more reps, and on some exercises, heavier weights.

-better definition in all my upper body muscles, especially biceps and triceps. I guess a lot of this means melting off even more fat as I build. 

-smooth out the tummy even more. This feels both important and silly, since I'm hoping for my tummy to start getting round again in a few months, but the more I can melt off the sooner I'll see my bump, and the tighter I get the muscles, the faster I'll recover after baby two comes. :-) 

More thoughts as they come!