Active recovery week

Because I want to wear my skinny jeans on thanksgiving and I know that intense exercise makes me swell up like a sausage, I'm taking this week as an active recovery week. Here's what that means: 

-As much walking as possible. It's really cold this week, and supposed to rain tomorrow and Wednesday on top of being cold. I may end up walking alone in the frigid early mornings to save Lexi having to be out in the yucky weather.  

-lots of water. I'll be pumping fluids and flushing out my muscles. Lots of lemon water and chamomile tea!

-eating clean-as much as possible. 

Expectations: honestly, my goal for this week as far as results is to maintain. I hope to lose a little water from my worn out muscles, but as long as I don't swell up, I'm golden. :-) 

I'm trying to put this in perspective. It's one week. Everyone needs and deserves a break. I'm not going to go nuts with food, and no matter what, I'm launching back in a week from today. Argh...I'm such a control freak...

Unexpected Growth

When I purchased JMBR, I was looking for a way to lose the baby weight and get myself back into a workout routine. I've gotten so much more from it than that though. 

The first week, way back in March, I was so nervous, because I looooove Jillian, but I'd never ever been able to finish one of her workouts without a lot of breaks, modifying, and generally feeling defeated. Well, I was so excited during that first workout, because even though I'd done little to no exercise for over a year during  2/3 of my pregnancy and being in my baby bubble, I could *do* this! It wasn't easy, but I could get through the workout. At that point in my journey, that was what I needed to boost my confidence. When I leveled up the first time was when things really started to fall apart, because suddenly THIS WAS HARD! my pride took a hit. I didn't wanna modify, take breaks, whatever. Some of these moves were killing me, and I was literally frustrated to tears. It was also around this time that I went back to cycle class for the first time since Lexi, and in hindsight, I think that was a big factor in my frustration, and the beginning of my period of overtraining. I really struggled through class both times my first week back, but I finished-again, amazing myself, because it took me a good month back in 2011 to get through a whole 60 min with shelle, and here I was, doing it my first day back! I really started here seeing how incredible my body is, and it was definitely a spark of the fiery change that was to come. 

But then the overtraining happened. I tried to layer JMBR (which I was struggling with all on its own) with cycle 3x a week, yoga, walking, and a 45 min Tracy Anderson DVD. This gave my body no recovery, overtrained my muscles, and  most of all, left me feeling really discouraged. I struggled hard with consistency during this time, and saw very little progress in my performance. By the end of June I'd burnt myself out and didn't work out once in July. When I came back to fitness in late August, I knew I had to do it differently, and at first I was still overtraining, but within a month I got my training dialed in. All I needed to be doing to see results was JMBR and cycle. I could get an extra burn and give Lexi some time outdoors by adding a walk. 9/2 was my JMBR restart date, and 9/23 was the first day of this new plan. 

Consistency is the first gift I feel I've been given by myself through this program. Since my restart in late August I've only missed 2 exercise days, and one of them was due to sciatica. I attribute this to the simplification of my program (who would have thought I'd be getting faster better results from 35-90m a day than the 4h I was doing in 2011?) and to the mental strength I've developed over the past 2.5 years that has really blossomed the past 12 weeks. 

This mental strength has manifested in the area of pushing harder and knowing when to modify. My first attempt at JMBR involved a lot of skipping exercises and cardio intervals and feeling afterwards like i was either weak or cheating myself. This second time through, I've had a different mindset. You do what you can. This works both ways- I try every exercise and interval. Much of the time that exercise I was skipping is totally doable, either modified or at fewer reps to start. And if I need to modify or hit pause to catch my breath, that's okay, as long as I get back to it. I'm not going to beat myself up for doing *my* best and I'm not going to actually cheat myself by not trying and not finding out what my best is. Maybe I'll be able to do those 3 part push-ups one day, but for now I'm pretty stoked I did 10 military style in a row, because before JMBR I'd never done one. 

One area I've seen huge improvement in is my ability to do Plyo moves as cardio intervals. Before this I barely tried and used my bad joints as an excuse. Since I started at least giving it a try though, I've found a lot of strength and improvement. I'm still pretty cautious, and keep my range of motion smaller, but I'm doing it, and finding less and less pain in my knees and ankles as I progress. 

  My performance in JMBR itself improves every week, and while I've never really felt ready to level up when it's time, I always surprise myself. Cycle class, however is it's own amazing journey, and I'm amazed at the strides I've made there especially over the past 12 weeks. When I came back after Lexi, I had to fight just to finish the hour each time. There was no challenging my body beyond that, I wasn't even keeping up with the teacher's directions to stand, sit, add gear, etc. I realized last night that now I follow every direction and though the workout kills me just as hard, it's become a totally different experience. My goals aren't just to get through it, but to go harder than I did last time, on speed, resistance, whatever. It's just incredible. 

I'm really excited that I'm not spending hours a day grinding at this anymore. 35 min (40 if I take breaks) and I'm done and the day belongs to Lexi. That's so nice, and even more than that, it's sustainable. 

  I've unexpectedly found a support system like no other in a JMBR group on fb. These women (and one man) all over the world have come together with our different stories and struggles to change our lives and support each other while doing it! There is no judgement or shaming, just tons of encouragement. It's made such a huge different for me! (hi y'all!)

One thing I never expected this journey to give me-and it started way back in 2011-is a new sense of self worth. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. The origins of this and the story of it are their own post. Because of this aspect of my personality, I tend to not stand up for myself when I'm being mistreated or taken advantage of. I often choose what will make others happy instead of what's best for me. Now selflessness isn't a bad thing, but I'm talking about choosing what will please others over what is truly *best* for me. This is particularly destructive on an emotional/mental health level because I struggle there often. This program has given me a simple place to start drawing a line in the sand and choosing ME. By starting by letting me tell MYSELF "no, I have value, I need this, and nothing is more important." I began to face down the lies that I wasn't worth value, and I have been more and more able to create boundaries. I am becoming more and more able to give of myself joyfully, because it's out of love rather than fear. I still struggle with the fear of others' reactions to my choices, but I'm beginning to be stronger about making the choices. 

 And yes, I do have a new body. I know this, though I don't always see it. I'm the smallest I've been in my adult life. I'm the fittest and healthiest of my entire life. That's awesome, and I'm really trying not to focus on my belly fat. :-P 

I'm learning this again, still, always.

Dear Baby Two,

Still no sign of when we will meet you. And that's ok. I mean, it should be. I should be all peaceful and "oh God's timing is perfect...", but sweet one, I'm not like that at all. Not most days anyway. I want to meet you so much! I want to feel you stirring inside me, to see my belly round and grow as you do, I want that moment of your sweet arrival, to hold you, smell you, and kiss you for the first time. I want to introduce you to your sister, to see her face, and see her love you. Oh sweet Baby Two, I want all these things and more with my whole heart. And I know-I do!- that God's timing is perfect-your sister is proof of that. But, your mama has fears. Fears she won't ever get all those things she dreams of. Feelings she doesn't deserve you, that asking God for you is asking too much, after He blessed us so mightily with your sister. But, Darlin, I'm asking Him anyway-every single day, most days more than once. 

I know this lesson of God's timing and His having my best interests mapped out is an important one He wants me to learn, because it pops into my life a lot. Haha! You'll find too that He likes to do things that way. God wants Mama to learn over and over that she has to let go and enjoy the ride, or she will miss it. You know when Lexi started growing in me? When I let go and just started living my life. I still took my special medicine that month, but I didn't agonize and worry and feel sad. I just filled each day, and she surprised us! I guess I need to do that again, Huh Sweet One? I can be patient for your When, I really can. It's the If that makes Mama feel afraid and sad. But you know what? I can't control that either. I can only cry out to God and ask Him to give you to me, ask Him to soothe my heart in the meantime, and have faith. Oh, and love on your Dada a whole whole bunch. That's the easy part. :-)

Eight

That's my pants size. At least at Old Navy, at least for jeans, and that counts. That's pretty much the only place I buy pants anyway. 

I've lost 5 (or 10 depending how you see it) pants sizes since March 2011, going from an 18 to an 8. I've got a little tummy left to tone up, and my thighs may slim a little, but, this is my happy size. I'm not sure it's sunk in yet. Oh, and just for fun...

Fifty

That's how many lbs I've lost from my highest recorded weight sometime in 2008. I'm proud, I'm exhausted, I'm...wearing size 8 jeans! I've reached my goal 2 weeks early! I'm still a little in shock because size 8 wasn't just my next size goal, it was my ultimate size goal! I'm at my goal!!! I did it! 

Now, this feels different than I always expected it to, because, along the way I've learned that fitness isn't a destination (my goal weight/size 8 jeans) but a journey that never ends. I've accomplished something pretty huge over the past 32 months (10 of which I was pregnant), and that's awesome, but I'm not done by a long shot. I may never see that 150 on the scale-I weigh 170 today, I have lost 3 sizes in the last 15 lbs, and I can't imagine maintaining any size smaller long term. My hips are where they are, and I haven't worn anything smaller than a 10 since middle school. 

But fitness, health, and happiness aren't ultimately marked by numbers in pants or on a scale, and I have far more progress to make and many more accomplishments to celebrate ahead. I've learned so much so far about myself, my strength, my athleticism, my will to conquer the hard stuff, that after Baby Two the bounce back shouldn't be such a mystery. I'm done with being told I can't. It's hard, it takes discipline, but I CAN! 

Tired.

I'm tired. Of hoping but fearing heartbreak, of waiting for something I want so deeply but may never have. Of feeling conflicted, of seeing others blessings as a reminder of what I don't have. Of feeling not good enough. Of feeling like there aren't enough blessings to go around so if someone else is blessed I won't be-though I know this isn't true. Of feeling like I'll never be good enough to be actively wanted, only put up with. Of so many many things. 

The Home Stretch

Today I start the last level of JMBR. I'm a little bit terrified, though I know that's silly. I think it's because I want so badly to be able to do everything in the workout exactly on point, but I know for various reasons that's just not gonna happen this round. It might happen in February at the end of the next round, or it may never happen, no matter how many rounds I do. I can't control that today. Today I can give it all I have to give today, and each of the six times I do this workout this time. Perfection is not required. 

Part of my angst is probably due to some stress over thanksgiving, which I won't bore you with, except to say I'll be so glad when it's all over. I feel a lot of pressure that I just don't need right now. I have enough going on, thanks. I woke up at six, but didn't really start moving till seven, and it's 20 after eight and I just finished breakfast. It's that kind of morning so far. Hopefully the workout (when I get to it) will help me turn it around, because right now I feel like I've lost all my fizz. 

After much chewing things over...

I have really been thinking hard the past few weeks on what to do for round 2 of JMBR, in the sense of, what is my program going to look like? Am I going to go harder, double up? How do I get my burn when the weather is colder and walking is harder to do? I'm an overachiever so it's hard to balance what I want to do with what the best plan is. After really thinking through where I am and what I'm hoping to accomplish, this is what I've decided on. 

I'm going to keep it as simple as possible, basically continuing with my current routine. I'll do JMBR m/t/tr/f, cycle class t/tr, and walk as often as I can, weather permitting. The change I'll have to make is to make sure I get some cardio on wed and Saturday, even if it's too cold for a walk. I am hoping to walk unless it's extreeeeemely cold. 

I've questioned to myself whether this is enough to get results, and I just have to trust that it is. One aspect to keep in mind is that (most likely) I'll be coming to the end of the weight loss part of my journey, and beginning the focus on performance and toning part of my journey. At that point, the calorie defecit doesn't need to be as great, and so, for the brief time the cold is an issue, I'm gonna be ok. :-) the hard part is gonna be staying content at this level and not starting to pile on. 

This plan also supports a desire for me to shift from fitness being something that consumes me (as it had to be when I was sorting out my routine) to just an aspect of my life. I feel comfortable with the time in putting in and am hoping to continue to progress without putting in tons of time. So, yeah. I feel good. 

Athleticism

I always thought being an athlete meant you were good at sports, or at least a particular sport. While it absolutely can mean that, I've learned over the past 30 months that the definition of athleticism is not so limited. I see now that being an athlete is equally about mental toughness to match the physical. It's the getting up at 5 or 6 to make sure you get the training time you need. It's pushing past your comfort zone to reach your potential. It's seeing roadblocks to your goals but not turning around or throwing in the towel. I've never been good at any organized team sports, but I am am athlete. I don't battle an opponent on a field of play, but the voice in my own head that says I can't. When I ride, it's not against a competitor beside me, but against myself the week before. Each day I push a little harder, a little further, and I'm doing things I never thought I could.  I am an athlete, and I won't sell myself short anymore. 

I've also been thinking of how this affects my parenting. If Lexi is like I was as a child, gawky, clumsy, uncoordinated, hopeless at sports in PE, am I going to write her off as lacking athleticism? Nope! I'll search with her to find where her strength lies. By the time she's old enough to even be aware of these things, she will have been exposed to all of my physical pursuits, and probably done a lot of yoga. :-) I feel like Yoga is the BEST foundation for discovery of your body, and from there I'll help her branch into whatever catches her interest. I will teach her to challenge her body, to help it be its healthiest internally, and that the product of that work externally is beautiful and worthy of love, no matter the shape she takes. The important thing is to care for herself so she can live her healthiest life. 

Surreal and unbelievable...

So, all the size 10 jeans I bought 3 weeks ago are now loose on me. It's both an exciting and disappointing thing, in that I am proud of my hard work, but I also JUST got them! After literally years stuck at an 18, I thought getting back into the size I wore in high school would be a longer stop along the way. And, I mean, if I shop anywhere but old navy (which I usually don't) it probably will. But, I'm actually gonna be ready for those 8's (or smaller) when the end of the month rolls around. That's crazy. 

Another thing that's crazy is that I *know* I'm smaller, but my belly still drives me up a wall. I just feel like those abs I want are never gonna happen-and realistically I'm not ready for them anyway, cuz I want more kids-but do I really have to keep this pooch? I don't know how much is fat and how much is extra skin, but I want both gone, tightened, whatever. Trying to be fair to myself though, and celebrate a level of fitness that already surpasses that of any other point in my life!