Why I share, and some updates

Maybe you're a new friend of mine, or maybe an old friend who's just never clicked over here. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at my constant status updates about my fitness journey on FB. Regardless how you got here, welcome, and thank you!  

I share a lot about my fitness journey and my mental health challenges, and there are a few reasons why. Spoiler alert-none of them is because I'm bragging about how awesome I am! Hahahaha. Also not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Now we've covered the non-reasons, here are the actual reasons I share: 

-it's cathartic. I process things by talking about them. It helps me clarify my thoughts, and make sense of thing. It strengthens my resolve and solidifies my plans. 

-I want to have a reference point in the future. I blog so I can remember the journey, what worked, what didn't, and the timeline, in case I face the same challenges again. 

The biggest reason I share though, is because I want to encourage. I felt so alone for so long, like this (fitness, health, mental health) came easily to everyone else and I must be a failure and a loser. I've realized that's far from true, and so I'm on a mission to share-because maybe my journey, and my resolve to keep fighting for my goals will encourage someone else to also. We are in this together. 

So, all that said, here are some updates:

I had tried taking evening primrose oil after reading a lot about it helping with pms, anxiety, depression, and other PCOS symptoms. After about two weeks I stopped-three days ago- because though my period came only ten days late instead of 3-4 weeks, my anxiety and depression during those ten days and the following five days of my period were flat out unbearable. There's no way of knowing if the timing of my period or the mental health challenge spike was related to the EPO, it wasn't worth the risk that if I continued I'd get even worse off or even stay the same to see if maybe it regulated my period-something that should happen on its own as Declan weans. It was so miserable, y'all. 

***Side note, on 10/2 he will have nursed longer than Lexi did. I see little sign of him slowing down, though he doesn't need his before nap nurse, and maybe even the one after. We still do them, most days,because he doesn't turn me down, and the snuggles are so sweet. He  loves his morning milk though. Like with Lexi, I think that'll be the last to go, even after bedtime, because Scott puts him to bed anyway. ***

Due to the mental health challenges the past few weeks, I'm not where I want to be with my daily routine, particularly my level of exercise, so I'm revising my goals, without giving myself room to slack off.

I'm probably not going to be wearing my size 4's in another 6 weeks-considering somehow my 6's, that did fit before vacation, are muffin toppy again. That may be due to the hormonal cycle combined with the swelling from working out again after a couple weeks off, (which is why I really shouldn't take more than one week off, my body freaks out...), but regardless, I'm not 3/4 of a size away from those pants fitting. Revising this goal is hard, partly because I've had the date of 10/31 set in my head for so long, and partly because I don't really know what to expect from myself, what's reasonable. The last time I went from an 8 to a 4, it took me somewhere around 4-5 months, and I had a pregnancy and stopped nursing during that time. I had also started from a heavier place and maybe there was momentum? I don't really know. All I can really do is put my head down and grind hard, eat clean, and recover well. My meal planning is on track, sleep is getting better, and my workout intensity is good. I'm excited to start cycling 3x a week again, and even more excited to continue making my yoga practice a priority. Ultimately I'd like to be doing HIIT and cycle twice a week and yoga six times a week as my fitness routine, but for now, and until I reach some big goals, it's gotta be HIIT 4x, cycle 3x, yoga 6x. 

All that to say, I'm making a soft goal of thanksgiving for those jeans, and hopefully I'm just gonna enjoy the ride there. I'm just so ready to be done with the "weight loss" part of this journey and be able to focus more on performance and developing my yoga practice. Both those elements are definitely there now, but feeling good in clothes is a priority and a distraction. Having babies has changed my body, and I'm good with that-and let's be real, my pre-baby body was never as fit, healthy, and strong as this body I have now. However, I don't feel like it's wrong to want to drop some extra fluff-as long as I acknowledge and love the beauty that exists along the way. 

I have a tendency to be hyper aware of my belly and label myself "disgusting" because the flesh there is so...fleshy. I'm mostly ok with the rest of my body, though obviously I'm loving every muscle that pops more and every place that gets less smooshy. But my belly. Ugh. I'm working hard at patience and loving myself along the journey there. It's also the only place that extra bulk limits me during workouts-I can't bring knee to nose because my belly is in the way, range of motion is limited on other ab moves, how much further could I fold in standing forward fold? 

I am committed to positive self talk, not just for me, but for Lexi. Lately she's around when I'm working out (getting myself going in the morning is a challenge!) and I make sure to tell her that we work out because it makes us strong and mighty! I never mention wanting to be smaller or skinnier, only stronger. I want her to always love herself for exactly who she is and only strive to *be* better and healthier and stronger- I think my fitness journey stalled out for so long because I didn't get that. I was so focused on being "skinny" that I missed the beauty of strength and the things my body could do! I only really fell in love with my body and really embraced what it can do in September of 2011 when I started practicing yoga. Almost ten years of trying so hard to be thin came before that. It was great timing though, because 6 weeks later I got pregnant with Lexi, and I really fell in love with my body then! And I needed that foundation to begin the climb back, and to really discover the athlete inside me in 2013. I have struggled since then, off and on to re-focus myself, and the desire to be skinny pops up when I compare sometimes, but that's why my hashtag for this part of my journey is 

#ropesngunsnabs 

The Tide

I've finally realized that the best analogy for the fluidity of my mental/emotional state these days is the tide. It's cyclical overall (cuz it's hormonal, duh) and yet, a riptide (calm at the surface, treacherous below--caused by triggers, some predictable, some not ) is always possible, and tidal waves are a thing too. High tide is when I feel like I could drown (the past week or so) and am too tired but must keep fighting to stay afloat, and low tide is when I feel able to wiggle my toes, turn my face to the sun, and relax. And y'know what else is awesome about low tide? You see the treasures that high tide left behind. ☺️

Today I woke like I have for almost two weeks now, with an elephant on my chest and my stomach roiling. The difference is, that like yesterday, there were no fearful thoughts to match. The physical does still affect the emotional though. Yesterday was Wednesday and I didn't have to get up and moving immediately, so I lay in Scott's arms and chatted lightly until my body relaxed and I moved on with my day. It wasn't ideal, but my body is tired and has been through the wringer between PPDA, pms, and BodyShred lately so it's not surprising. Today, all the above is true, but I didn't have the time to lie in bed till I felt better, though I stole a few extra minutes. I'm moving more slowly through my morning routine than I'd like, repeating truths to myself to fend off any thoughts that might try to come- any riptide lurking below my calm waters. 

The kids are healthy. 

Lexi will learn to obey. 

You are doing a great job.

You will get better, healthier, physically and emotionally. 

You are worth the struggle.

You are worth loving. 

You feel this way because you are tired, but you are getting stronger and you will rest better for the work. 

It is low tide. The sun is rising. I'll feel it soon. I'm healing. One moment at a time He is renewing me. 

LMAL: Health

This chapter is totally in my wheelhouse-it almost feels like cheating to get to focus on it! Don't be too surprised if you see the next chapter of my experiment too, alongside this, since physical health is a huge focus of my life on the daily anyway. 

I've discovered that my physical well being and mental health are inextricably linked, that a workout is like a hit of Prozac-usually-and that tired turns into crazed with anxiety fairly easily. Add PMS/PMDD to the mix, keeping in mind that because of my PCOS, PMS can last *weeks*, and it's quite a handful to manage. So, yes, I must take care of my health, mental and physical, and the two are one. 

Personally, I find a ramp-up to a pace I can maintain serves me best and allows me to multiply my "spoons" (daily energy resources) over time. I build, slowly and carefully, (since overtired equals crazy and miserable) and push, while protecting recovery carefully, and when I get to the level of physical activity I want to be at, I can then increase intensity in specific areas, and the increased energy I get allows me to manage other areas of life better, like housework, getting the kids out to the park, etc. As my mental health improves, I hope to overcome some big obstacles, but for now I'm focusing on what's in front of me, right? 

My experiment: 

-workout is job 1 each day

-rest and recovery are equally important. 

-keep the day rolling as routine is built, rather than letting surprises derail the day. 

-be kind to myself with expectations. 

It's Thursday of the first week back from the beach, and I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things. Most of them good, a few a bit less so. 

First challenge: PMS induced crazy. My hormones are all in flux due to my body attempting to do what it should, and this has brought back the anxiety after my having a break from full on intense painful fear for most of the past two weeks or so, and I can feel the pressure building. Today I'll try to brainstorm some "at my fingertips" rescue methods. I'm also really tired from many many late nights the past two weeks, and that doesn't help. 

Another challenge: I'm slightly overwhelmed by all that we are on the cusp of, with starting a new school year, me starting BodyShred and really getting serious about dialing in my health and developing my yoga practice, and what that means for daily life and finding routine in a time when a strict schedule isn't always possible. 

The flip side of that sense of being overwhelmed, though, is BIG excitement. As daunting as it feels to start kindergarten, I'm so excited for the empowerment Lexi will find in being able to read. As tough as I know my workouts will be, and how tired I'll be at first, I know the rewards to my physical, emotional, and mental health will be beyond worth it if I'm committed and consistent. 

I'm excited because I'm starting this new season with a home that is clean and tidy, and a fair, managable plan to keep it that way without hours of work per day. I'm not super thrilled that we came home from the beach to discover we had had a mousey house sitter, but God works in mysterious ways, and now our house is deep cleaned, we are creating habits of sweeping and vacuuming more, and there are no signs of return visits. Thank ya Jesus. 

I am definitely more excited than overwhelmed by all that's beginning, and I know that if I'm able to breathe deep and live in each moment with intention, I will see myself blooming vibrantly.