Why I share, and some updates

Maybe you're a new friend of mine, or maybe an old friend who's just never clicked over here. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at my constant status updates about my fitness journey on FB. Regardless how you got here, welcome, and thank you!  

I share a lot about my fitness journey and my mental health challenges, and there are a few reasons why. Spoiler alert-none of them is because I'm bragging about how awesome I am! Hahahaha. Also not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Now we've covered the non-reasons, here are the actual reasons I share: 

-it's cathartic. I process things by talking about them. It helps me clarify my thoughts, and make sense of thing. It strengthens my resolve and solidifies my plans. 

-I want to have a reference point in the future. I blog so I can remember the journey, what worked, what didn't, and the timeline, in case I face the same challenges again. 

The biggest reason I share though, is because I want to encourage. I felt so alone for so long, like this (fitness, health, mental health) came easily to everyone else and I must be a failure and a loser. I've realized that's far from true, and so I'm on a mission to share-because maybe my journey, and my resolve to keep fighting for my goals will encourage someone else to also. We are in this together. 

So, all that said, here are some updates:

I had tried taking evening primrose oil after reading a lot about it helping with pms, anxiety, depression, and other PCOS symptoms. After about two weeks I stopped-three days ago- because though my period came only ten days late instead of 3-4 weeks, my anxiety and depression during those ten days and the following five days of my period were flat out unbearable. There's no way of knowing if the timing of my period or the mental health challenge spike was related to the EPO, it wasn't worth the risk that if I continued I'd get even worse off or even stay the same to see if maybe it regulated my period-something that should happen on its own as Declan weans. It was so miserable, y'all. 

***Side note, on 10/2 he will have nursed longer than Lexi did. I see little sign of him slowing down, though he doesn't need his before nap nurse, and maybe even the one after. We still do them, most days,because he doesn't turn me down, and the snuggles are so sweet. He  loves his morning milk though. Like with Lexi, I think that'll be the last to go, even after bedtime, because Scott puts him to bed anyway. ***

Due to the mental health challenges the past few weeks, I'm not where I want to be with my daily routine, particularly my level of exercise, so I'm revising my goals, without giving myself room to slack off.

I'm probably not going to be wearing my size 4's in another 6 weeks-considering somehow my 6's, that did fit before vacation, are muffin toppy again. That may be due to the hormonal cycle combined with the swelling from working out again after a couple weeks off, (which is why I really shouldn't take more than one week off, my body freaks out...), but regardless, I'm not 3/4 of a size away from those pants fitting. Revising this goal is hard, partly because I've had the date of 10/31 set in my head for so long, and partly because I don't really know what to expect from myself, what's reasonable. The last time I went from an 8 to a 4, it took me somewhere around 4-5 months, and I had a pregnancy and stopped nursing during that time. I had also started from a heavier place and maybe there was momentum? I don't really know. All I can really do is put my head down and grind hard, eat clean, and recover well. My meal planning is on track, sleep is getting better, and my workout intensity is good. I'm excited to start cycling 3x a week again, and even more excited to continue making my yoga practice a priority. Ultimately I'd like to be doing HIIT and cycle twice a week and yoga six times a week as my fitness routine, but for now, and until I reach some big goals, it's gotta be HIIT 4x, cycle 3x, yoga 6x. 

All that to say, I'm making a soft goal of thanksgiving for those jeans, and hopefully I'm just gonna enjoy the ride there. I'm just so ready to be done with the "weight loss" part of this journey and be able to focus more on performance and developing my yoga practice. Both those elements are definitely there now, but feeling good in clothes is a priority and a distraction. Having babies has changed my body, and I'm good with that-and let's be real, my pre-baby body was never as fit, healthy, and strong as this body I have now. However, I don't feel like it's wrong to want to drop some extra fluff-as long as I acknowledge and love the beauty that exists along the way. 

I have a tendency to be hyper aware of my belly and label myself "disgusting" because the flesh there is so...fleshy. I'm mostly ok with the rest of my body, though obviously I'm loving every muscle that pops more and every place that gets less smooshy. But my belly. Ugh. I'm working hard at patience and loving myself along the journey there. It's also the only place that extra bulk limits me during workouts-I can't bring knee to nose because my belly is in the way, range of motion is limited on other ab moves, how much further could I fold in standing forward fold? 

I am committed to positive self talk, not just for me, but for Lexi. Lately she's around when I'm working out (getting myself going in the morning is a challenge!) and I make sure to tell her that we work out because it makes us strong and mighty! I never mention wanting to be smaller or skinnier, only stronger. I want her to always love herself for exactly who she is and only strive to *be* better and healthier and stronger- I think my fitness journey stalled out for so long because I didn't get that. I was so focused on being "skinny" that I missed the beauty of strength and the things my body could do! I only really fell in love with my body and really embraced what it can do in September of 2011 when I started practicing yoga. Almost ten years of trying so hard to be thin came before that. It was great timing though, because 6 weeks later I got pregnant with Lexi, and I really fell in love with my body then! And I needed that foundation to begin the climb back, and to really discover the athlete inside me in 2013. I have struggled since then, off and on to re-focus myself, and the desire to be skinny pops up when I compare sometimes, but that's why my hashtag for this part of my journey is 

#ropesngunsnabs 

LMAL: Health

This chapter is totally in my wheelhouse-it almost feels like cheating to get to focus on it! Don't be too surprised if you see the next chapter of my experiment too, alongside this, since physical health is a huge focus of my life on the daily anyway. 

I've discovered that my physical well being and mental health are inextricably linked, that a workout is like a hit of Prozac-usually-and that tired turns into crazed with anxiety fairly easily. Add PMS/PMDD to the mix, keeping in mind that because of my PCOS, PMS can last *weeks*, and it's quite a handful to manage. So, yes, I must take care of my health, mental and physical, and the two are one. 

Personally, I find a ramp-up to a pace I can maintain serves me best and allows me to multiply my "spoons" (daily energy resources) over time. I build, slowly and carefully, (since overtired equals crazy and miserable) and push, while protecting recovery carefully, and when I get to the level of physical activity I want to be at, I can then increase intensity in specific areas, and the increased energy I get allows me to manage other areas of life better, like housework, getting the kids out to the park, etc. As my mental health improves, I hope to overcome some big obstacles, but for now I'm focusing on what's in front of me, right? 

My experiment: 

-workout is job 1 each day

-rest and recovery are equally important. 

-keep the day rolling as routine is built, rather than letting surprises derail the day. 

-be kind to myself with expectations. 

It's Thursday of the first week back from the beach, and I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things. Most of them good, a few a bit less so. 

First challenge: PMS induced crazy. My hormones are all in flux due to my body attempting to do what it should, and this has brought back the anxiety after my having a break from full on intense painful fear for most of the past two weeks or so, and I can feel the pressure building. Today I'll try to brainstorm some "at my fingertips" rescue methods. I'm also really tired from many many late nights the past two weeks, and that doesn't help. 

Another challenge: I'm slightly overwhelmed by all that we are on the cusp of, with starting a new school year, me starting BodyShred and really getting serious about dialing in my health and developing my yoga practice, and what that means for daily life and finding routine in a time when a strict schedule isn't always possible. 

The flip side of that sense of being overwhelmed, though, is BIG excitement. As daunting as it feels to start kindergarten, I'm so excited for the empowerment Lexi will find in being able to read. As tough as I know my workouts will be, and how tired I'll be at first, I know the rewards to my physical, emotional, and mental health will be beyond worth it if I'm committed and consistent. 

I'm excited because I'm starting this new season with a home that is clean and tidy, and a fair, managable plan to keep it that way without hours of work per day. I'm not super thrilled that we came home from the beach to discover we had had a mousey house sitter, but God works in mysterious ways, and now our house is deep cleaned, we are creating habits of sweeping and vacuuming more, and there are no signs of return visits. Thank ya Jesus. 

I am definitely more excited than overwhelmed by all that's beginning, and I know that if I'm able to breathe deep and live in each moment with intention, I will see myself blooming vibrantly. 

Walks are for kids, and finally setting a major goal date

Tuesday  I worked out four times. I did my JM, walked 3.4 mi, 37m yoga, and 40 min on the bike. While I was walking, I made a decision. The walks cannot, for now at least, have any agenda other than  giving the kids what they need-whether its Declan needing a nap, all of us heading to the park, or just some fresh air. There are two to three other times in the day right now when mama's workout has to come first, (though I'm hoping to get to the point when I'm getting all that done before they get up), and that time needs to be about them. It counts as exercise for me, obviously, but I can't set my agenda for it, because the kids will need something different from day to day. 

My fitness will improve, and with it my pace and therefore distance, but that has to just be gravy. This should also help me reduce overtraining, which is a struggle for me, and with the delicate balance my mental health is in right now, I can't afford it. 

I also finally put a date on my biggest  external fitness goal. I want my abs by my 35th birthday. That's just under 11 months, and I don't know if it's gonna happen-because I've never actually had abs... But I'm gonna try my very best while still living my life. I'm gonna have dessert sometimes, I'm gonna have sushi and fried chicken on occasion. I'm gonna eat clean and real food most of the time and train like no tomorrow. I'll never be one of those women who can eat whatever I want and not work out, but I am the woman who will reap rewards of hard work and not deprive myself of living life. 

This is a good thing to remind myself of as we head to the beach next week, because I fully intend to EAT and have no regrets-and also to go for lots of ways and do lots of yoga. Balance, Yo. 

Approaching a Waypoint

I couldn't really think of the right word, so that'll have to do. I'm having a slow start due to Anxhaustion (this is my new word that just sums it all up-anxiety caused by exhaustion that creates more exhaustion, creating more anxiety. Yay.) but I'm going to write while I drink my coffee and my workout will absolutely still happen. And yoga too. Annnnnywaaaaay...

We leave for vacation three weeks from tomorrow! I'm SO looking forward to this trip, to play with Lexi in the waves, to introduce Declan to the beach, to relax and eat good food (hopefully resist too much of the stuff that tastes good but isn't...), to spend unscheduled unpressured time with some of my favorite people, and get a good dose of vitamin D. 

It also marks my first concrete goal. I want to be able to fit comfortably and aesthetically, my size 6 jeans and capris. I think I'll be able to, also. I tried them on yesterday, and they buttoned and zipped just fine, though they were muffin toppy and not ideal around the middle. Nothing that didn't seem within the realm of 3 weeks of hard work though. This is a big exciting deal for me, because getting into those pants means that I'm one size away from my smallest ever, and that puts my goal of size four jeans by the end of BodyShred (late October) within reach. Once I get those size four jeans, a very big part of my fitness journey will be past, and a new, exciting, and challenging one will continue and come to the forefront. Ropes n Guns n Abs, baybeeee! 

The past few weeks I've found myself frustrated by what I can't do, or can't do without modifying in my Jillian Michaels workouts. In most of the (non body Revolution) workouts I do of hers, I do the advanced version of almost every move. Now, I'm in level 3 of Killer Arms and Back as well as Killer Abs, and there are some moves in both I just flat out can't do, and even modified is like WHAa?  That's hard. So, I can definitely see that when I finish my first round of BodyShred (probably having to modify a TON) my focus the next time through is going to be being Able to actually DO more. I'm trying to coach myself now to not get discouraged, because I know it's gonna be SO hard, from day 1, and I will have to improvise on a lot of the cardio the first round, because plyo is not the best plan for me, but I'm going to do this, I'm going to get stronger, and I'm going to conquer, just like I always have. 3.5 years ago I had never done a push up on my toes, now I can crank out sets of 25. I can do this. 

Today is my last Killer Abs workout of this round, and Monday I start 3 weeks of Killer Body, and I'll pick up one more week of that after Vacation before starting Bodyshred. I've previewed the upper body workout for Killer Body, and holy Push ups! Yeah I'm gonna be humbled by this, but how awesome will it be in future rounds to see how far I've come? 

As much as I've felt frustrated and defeated along the way, and I know I may feel that way again, I'm really proud that I haven't given up. Through the PPDA, the exhaustion, the nursing challenges and pumping around the clock, the kids waking up too early, through mornings like this one where I feel like I can't get off the couch, where the fear of unknown bad is paralyzingly me, I haven't quit fighting for my health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And I won't. 

I'm gonna address something here that I don't talk about much. I know I could take meds and the PPDA would probably be a non factor, or at least less of one, but the effect that meds have had on my body in other ways makes that just not the right choice for me. I've never been able to shed fat or even maintain a healthy weight when on antidepressants. It's not just vanity either. My PCOS is worse in every way when I am heavier. My cycle doesn't exist, I have painful cysts, migraines, and more. I will work my tail off in exercise and eating good food and using oils and supplements-all more effort, all requiring consistency, but long term, a better solution for me. I haven't fully ruled out some talk therapy though. Updates on this part of my journey as they come. 

Finally making progress and yoga goals

So, I'm finally seeing progress and changes in my body externally. I'm a little afraid to jinx it but I do believe my goal of fitting into my size six jeans by vacation is  within reach! 

Current status: size 8 jeans fit fine, size 8 skinny jeans are a leeeetle muffin toppy, but they are the most unforgiving pants I've ever owned so pbbbbt! Haha! Naw, but they will look great soon. 

I'm not seeing on the scale quite yet, and that could partly be because it's a new scale, and partly because I'm focusing so much on gaining muscle. I dunno. I only really care about the scale as it relates to how much I should be eating. With that in mind, I'll probably knock my calories down by 50 pretty soon, and after vacation, another 50, or more based on whatever change I see on the scale. 

Ohhh I'm a bit nervous about vacation...how am I gonna stay on track without driving the boys nuts? I know I'm gonna do yoga and go for walks, but intensity isn't gonna be the same. Recovery will be good, but I also have to be mindful of what's going in! 

I'm doing pretty well at reigniting my yoga practice. I have so far to go, but so far I'm really enjoying making time for mindfulness and getting to know my body all over. I have recently pinpointed some goals, and I'll be adding more soon I'm sure. 

-crow pose: so far I have managed *once* to hold the pose for about 1.5 seconds. So I really want to begin mastery of this. 

-Shoulder stand-I want to be able to hold this and move it into- 

-Plow. I'd love to be able to reach my feet back to the floor. 

-Chaturanga- this is something I'm going to be working on for awhile I think. I am doing tricep push-ups and really trying to develop this, and I'll be workshop ping it alongside crow. 

More to come!!!

"Exercise does not help with weight loss" and other nonsense

I broke the rules yesterday morning and checked Facebook before I even got out of bed. The result was seeing a post sharing an article with the above quote as a title. I was angry before I read it, furious by the time I finished. I kinda know what I'm talking about here, and exercise is, for me, and many others, integral to weight loss. It's not the only factor, but it's a major one-maybe equal to diet in my case.

For those who haven't followed my saga from when I started sharing in 2010 (though it started in earnest in 2003!), here's a recap, as concise as I can make it. I have PCOS, and around age 18, that, along with a fast food lifestyle, made me gain a lot of weight. Back then I had no muscle to speak of because I just didn't do exercise. About 9 mos after I got married (February 2003) I decided I was going to lose some weight. I had some old 80's workout vhs tapes that were discarded from the library, and for the first few months, I used those and a low carb cookbook/plan to help me lose weight. I was 20 years old, and it worked great. I also traded in the VHS for Pilates DVDs and a YMCA membership(I did an hour of cardio and lifted light weights 5x a week) after a few months and losing about 30 lbs. I remember my goal weight being 125, and the lowest I got to was 154. I was still about a size 10, but I was much fitter and my PCOS symptoms were improved. During this time I also discovered I could eat a whole pizza after working out and still lose weight. Then I stopped working out, kept eating the pizza. Whoops.

By February 2005 I was Bigger than before and fed up. The day I joined a gym was also the day my brother in law announced his engagement to a beautiful girl in CA and the wedding was in 3 mos. perfect timing and motivation. I worked out twice a day, 6 days a week, and ate carefully (I have no memory of what I ate except that wine was dessert. Haha!)I lost 30 lbs and got down to a size 8 in those 3 mos. I looked cute and was the fittest I'd ever been. Then the wedding was over and my drive was gone. 

By 2007 I was even bigger than before. I started an online fit club for my new podcasting friends in late 07-early 08, but, despite losing about 10 lbs, I didn't stick with it well or long. By August 2009 I was at my biggest ever (220 lbs, size 18) and despite resolving to do better, and achieving small amounts of success (below is what I use as my "before" picture and it's actually AFTER I had slimmed down a little), nothing was really changing long term. 

Then I bought and read Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. And Y'all, that's when EVERYTHANG changed. It's when I went from "health conscious" to a crunchy weird freak who wanted to shop at farmers markets, won't microwave plastic, became obsessed with pastures eggs and grass fed beef, no sulfates, yes to whole foods, etc. all of which you can read about in this blog. The stuff I learned about food then is the basis (along with my adapted version of Paleo) of how we eat and live today, 5 years later. It took

me awhile in 2011 to find my exercise groove, and the weight took ages it seemed, to start coming off. I had a lot of crap to reverse. The first type of exercise I fell in love with was swimming, and I got up at 530AM to do it for months. I also found some Jillian DVDs and did them. Then, something inspired me to start going to the gym, and THAT is when my body started changing and my inner athlete showed her face for real. I discovered cycle and yoga and created a 17hr a week training program (Hahahaha) that got me the smallest (though not lightest) and definitely the fittest I'd ever been since I got married. Just in time to discover I was finally pregnant with Lexi. I lost 42 lbs and went from an 18 to a 10 that year. I did not track my calories, I just made wise food choices and indulged when I wanted.

Then, after Lexi, I was back up to a 16 immediately postpartum, and I wasn't prepared for the HUNGER that came with breastfeeding. I gained about 25 lbs in the first 6 mos-some of which i attribute to the meds I was on for anxiety, but that's another story. In February/March 2013 we did a Whole30 and stayed 80/20 Paleo for awhile. I also started Jillian's Body Revolution for the first time around then. 30 min a day? I could do that, even with a baby. But, I have an addictive personality and, I mean, I'd been training 17h a week before, so when results weren't coming fast and I was crying because the level 2 workouts were so hard, i needed MORE, right? In August (13 mos after Lexi was born) I was doing 3 DVDs and cycle class and walking, and eating about 1600 calories a day and getting NOWHERE. Then a friend or two suggested that a) it was because I was breastfeeding, and B) I wasn't eating enough to sustain that and all the exercise. Oh my stars was this hard to swallow. Eat more to lose weight? This cannot be. Also, it was suggested by many (including Jillian herself indirectly via her podcast) that I was overtraining. So I stripped down my program and ate more. I was doing BR, a light walk, and two cycle classes, for a total of 4h of hard exercise and 4-6 walks a week. I tracked my calories and ATE BACK most of what I burned in exercise to leave myself with (at first, at 180 lbs)) 1600 a day, and reduced by 50 each time I lost 5 lbs. between August and Late November I went down from a 12 to an 8, and lost 15 lbs. I ate cheesecake on days it was in my calorie budget, I drank wine, I ate whatever I wanted, then, I kept going with this formula, and in the next 3 mos I lost another 10 lbs and 2 more pant sizes. I was a FOUR! By the time I got pregnant with Declan in June 2014 I had reached my lowest weight since I was 18-150, and was the size I was when I was 13 in middle school. All while eating whatever I wanted (mostly clean, but also cheesecake and sushi and fried food). 70 lbs, size 18-4. 

Now, I'm almost 16 mos postpartum, and only down 1 size from where I was at 3 weeks postpartum, and maybe 5lbs. Ha! I've been eating clean and exercising almost this whole time. But that one size puts me at an 8, which is where I was when Lexi was 16 mos old, and I have tons of muscle, and Declan has only just night weaned. Factors are different. I'm

Sticking to my formula though, and I'm getting stronger, and recently I've started to see changes in my body. Muscle definition, a smaller tummy, a smaller face.

None of those things ever happened when I would try to diet alone. Diet alone has given me a quick boost (like the 15 lbs I lost doing whole30) but sustainable weight loss and increased health has never happened for me without intense 

Consistent exercise. Not to mention exercise has kept me off anxiety meds, and kept me moving through the past year of postpartum depression and anxiety hell. 

I read that article and this is what I thought: this is to coddle those people who don't like to exercise or don't like to exercise hard. Those people will feel vindicated and say "see, it doesn't help, so I don't have to bother." Meanwhile it insults those of us who have found success and life change and so much more in fitness. One of the commenters referred to people in the fitness industry as Snake Oil Salesmen. That's just nonsense. 

So, yeah. I'm mad. 

Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

Seven weeks in

So, since I did two extra days at the beginning of level 1, and two extra at the end of level 3, I'm now seven weeks into my fifth time through this program, And I have not missed one day. I'm pretty proud of that. I'm taking a mini recovery (still gonna get on the bike) while my grandma is here the second half of the week, so I'll start workout 7/8 on Monday. 

So, what are my results so far? Not what I expected, and frankly, not what I hoped. I have no idea what I've lost in the scale, because, well, I didn't have one at the start. I'm almost but not quite in my size 8 jeans (regular not skinny) and I weigh 181 lbs as of yesterday morning. Not horrible, except I weighed 182 at 3 weeks pp-over a year ago. buuuut that was on another scale, and who knows how far off that was...yada yada. Doesn't matter. I would like to get to 150 or less at some point, but the scale is, for now, going to be a tool for calorie intake regulation, not a measure of progress. 

And I don't even know if my jean size is a great measure right now- will my hips fit in a size four again after two babies? Maybe, but it may take more time and not be related to how hard I work. I realized yesterday that at fourteen months pp with Lexi I was at about the same point in JMBR (though not nearly as fit) and weighed about the same, but was a size bigger. I wasn't in a size four till Lexi was 21-24 mos. soooo... My goal of size four shorts at the beach may be a bit lofty. (Declan will be 17.5 mos then.i had been in an 8 comfortably for about 6w at that time post Lexi.) I'm still hoping to buy size four jeans in October (when my capris will probably cease to make sense...) but we shall see. 

So, am I seeing any results? I am! Other than being a bit smaller, i'm amazed at my performance. I have always struggled with this level of the program, particularly workout 5, but I have done great this time through, and using heavier weights than the folks in the video on pretty much every exercise. I've done the super mans with weights every time-never been able to do any like that before! Yesterday I started out by doing 2 sets of 20 push ups before hitting play, and when I stated this round, I couldn't do 5 in one set. So that's awesome, and I'm well on my way back to sets of 25. 

Um also seeing my upper body muscles come back, which is really cool, because other than abs for the first time, im really passionate about getting my arms back. Shoulders always pop first, then triceps, but I've started to see my biceps too. That's really exciting. I'm curious what will happen over the next few weeks as I work  spinning into my routine! 

Oh, and if anyone wants to get me some 12 and 15 lb weights, that'd be great, cuz I'm using 10's for pretty much all the back and Bicep work now... Yay! 

First Goal Day!!! Except...not.

So, my period came on Saturday! Yay! And also, Awwwww. ☹️ today was gonna be the day my size 8 jeans were gonna fit, and my measurements were gonna show the payoff, but now I'm all bloated and cranky and tired and I'm just not going to do all that today. In two weeks, I'll do it (pretty much no chance of this happening then!) and hopefully not only will my size 8 jeans fit then, but also my size 8 skinnies! (I'll admit the skinnies feel like a longshot, because they are a brutal pair of pants that are good at making me feel depressed, but that's ok, cuz in 5 mos when it's jeans weather again, God willing they will be in my rear view!) that's the goal I've got my eye on now. 

My scale is coming today, and I will weigh myself to make sure I don't weigh way less than I think (Hahahaha) but after that I'm going to be really committed to only weighing myself on Monday mornings, and to relying on my physical abilities, well bang, and jean size to be my measurements of success. The scale is just a measure to help me know how much to eat. 

Because of my period, I stayed in bed with D today (he's gonna get his molars sometime in the next m...who knows, so he's nursing constantly) and I haven't started my workout-it's almost 930. Ugh. 

I'm super nervous about doing workout 5, because when I went they this part almost a year ago it was the hardest level for me! But I'm so much stronger now, so I know I'll surprise myself! 

I am probably gonna wait till next week to add in cycle, partly because we haven't tuned up the bike, and mostly cuz just doing JMBR is gonna be a challenge during my period. 

Ending Phase 1, new toys, big plans, and missing the plyo

Today was the last day of phase 1 of this round of JMBR. It's about to get real, y'all.  Workouts 5 & 7 are crazy intense, and it's gonna be a challenge mentally as well as physically to push through and overcome. This round, though, has already been full of victories, and in stark contrast to previous ones. I remember during my first round, when Lexi was 7 mos old, giving up In tears halfway through workout 3. Yesterday, my last time through that one, I used heavier weights than everyone in the DVDs on every exercise and did more reps than them on almost everything. 

I'm not sure what my measurement/size results will be this Monday, but I do know progress is happening, and at some point soon, the results will have to show. I kinda feel like they already are, though. I might be holding some water, but if I can shed that, (and hopefully have a period!) I think I'll really see changes. I feel like my face is still pudgier than it should be, but we'll see. 

Something I have noticed about the way I've written about this journey is that as I go along, I learn more and more about what's important to include as reference for the future. I've never really talked about how I adjust my calorie intake, and that's gonna change! Because yesterday I spent way too long playing sleuth and figuring it out. So, just like in fall 2013, I've started at 1600 net calories. I've  bought a new scale, and with every 5 lb decrease, (assuming I started at 180)  I'll reduce calorie intake by 50 calories, until I get to the last ten lbs, at which point I will incrementally increase calories until I'm at a level that should have me losing 1 lb a week instead of 2. When I hit 150 I'll slowly start increasing calories until I'm at a maintenance level. I've never been there before! Maintenance for 150 is like 2000 calories. That's bonkers on days I cycle...which brings me to...

Scott got me a spin bike! With our plans to put a power rack and bench in the garage, as well as the gym being less convenient right now, getting this and cancelling our gym membership seemed like the best choice. We got a great deal in it, and since it's kinda old, I'll be doing some research to choose its replacement when it's time. I'm super excited to be able to get a ride in anytime now, and that a long ride will only take up an hour of my time instead of two, with all the time getting to and from class. I'll miss my amfam family, but I imagine we will be back, at a different season. My plan is to work up to two hardcore hour long rides per week, and two 30 minute freestyle cardio rides. 

I've got my workouts planned out through pretty much the next year. I've got some long term goals - ABS!- and I've put a lot of thought into what it's gonna take to reach them. So, I'm gonna finish JMBR, then do the Killer Series, then Killer Body, and right at the end of September, start Body Shred again! I'll follow up with the BS master trainer series, then another round of both those, then killer series, then BS round 3, followed up by master trainers. That will bring me right up to my 35th birthday, at which point I gosh darn better have amazing abs for the first time ever, if not before. 

One thing I'm still kinda chewing over is plyo. BR has lots of it, BS has even more. I'm hoping that my foot heals enough that by September when I start bodyshred I'll be able to not modify. Until I am consistently waking up pain free, though, I have to play it safe, take my supplements, wear my compression, and be patient. 

Guess that's it for now! I'll be posting a goal check in on Monday with pictures, measurements, and thoughts going forward! 

My Other Workout

So, I've hesitated posting about this, because it seemed like it might be a little gimmicky, but after a solid week of experience, I'm ready to share my thoughts. 

I've bought a Simply Fit Board. (www.simplyfitboard.com) It looked like something that would let me get some light cardio in without messing with my foot while it's healing, and also a decent option for when weather prevents us from going for walks. Right now, I am not walking because my foot is bad, and Monday of this week proved to me I do need to take a break from that. So. 

Here's how I'm using it: I found some targeted challenges/workouts designed by the inventors of the product, and I'm adding them to my routine. Abs on my push days (Monday and Thursday) and boots on pull days (Tuesday and Friday). I'm also trying to fit in 2-3 more 10-15 minute sessions just twisting on the board 4-6x a week. I call these dance parties, and the kids love dancing while I twist to music. 

Do I think this is going to magically transform my body overnight? Would I let this be my only workout? No. But it is a fun accessible way to get my heart rate up and challenge my core, and that's what I want from it. 

That awkward phase...

Where you've been working out for almost 2 weeks, and you're getting stronger, and that's so cool, but you're also OH so tired. And sore. And your plantar fasciitis is acting up, probably cuz you're not doing all the care things, AND you're walking 3.5 miles a day pushing almost 100lbs of stroller and kids. And you're all swollen cuz that's how your body reacts to exercise. 

But you're not gonna quit, because on the other side of this is energy, and strength, and feeling good mentally and physically, and clothes that fit and look good, and really tough spin classes and advanced yoga. Some of these things sooner than others, but they are all coming with hard work and dedication. 

One day at a time. One workout at a time. One meal at a time. You're becoming your best for yourself and your family. You are worth it. 

Fitness stuff.

I just finished my first full week of JMBR for this round (my 5th!!) and I'm feeling good! We've been going for long walks too, and I'm definitely gaining strength and improving conditioning that way too. My foot does bug me a bit first thing in the morning though, and I think I need to start babying it again a bit. I'm not stopping my workouts though. No can do. 

With D still in our bed, (blogs about the transition will be many) it's a bit tricky to find time to work out, but it's got me starting my workout between 6:30-6:45 in the morning, and that's pretty awesome. I'm also introducing a new type of low impact cardio to my life, and I'll share more about that later. 

I really love and miss yoga, and am hoping to work at least a short yoga session back into most days, and have a whole yoga "recovery" period planned after JMBR is done. 

I just wanna be ripped, y'all. Shredded. Like really bad. Ropes n Guns n Abs. I saw a picture of myself two years ago this week, and it lit a fire under me. The tricky thing is I'm nursing D a ton still, and I won't be weaning him, so once again, I've gotta make this happen while nursing. 

We are back on track with eating real food, for the most part, anyway. Pirate's booty has its claws in me. Blargh. Need to work back into daily green smoothies to keep my belly full so I don't get super hungry at 4 pm. 

We threw out the scale, which is a wonderful thing. It will allow me to focus more on what my body can do, and let the measure of progress be performance and how my clothes fit. 

Goals: 

Long term: I want to buy size 4 jeans in September. I think it's doable. I went down 4 sizes between when Lexi was 14 mos and 18 mos, and I'm trying to do 3 sizes between 13 and 18 mos (or even close to 19-just by the end of September!) this time.

 

Slightly shorter: I want to wear my size 4 capris (or even my shorts!) on vacation in August. We leave 19 weeks from

tomorrow. 

Size 8 jeans: 5/2

Size 8 skinnies: 5/16

Size 6 jeans: 6/27

Size 4 capris or shorts: 8/15

Six weeks per size seems very doable to me if I can stay consistent. Honestly, once I find my groove, it should be smooth sailing. The key is to just keep swimming! 

I see so many people doing detoxes, cleanses, taking supplements, and shakes, looking for a quick fix, and I just wish for them that they could find the peace and patience to do it the right way, with moving their bodies and plenty of real food. You have to do what works for you, obviously, but I've tried all those things and the results don't last, and you just end up less healthy and more unhappy.  It took me years to find my inner badass and fall in love with fitness and real food, but I'm here now and I want to bring my friends!

Inspiration from Siri

So maybe you've seen the suggestion to "ask Siri to beatbox". Maybe you've tried it. If you haven't, go ahead, I'll wait. 

(If you aren't an Apple user, she says "here's what I've been working on: catsandbootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandboots. I could do this all day. Catsandbootsandcatsandbootsandcats..") 

This morning I was texting Scott my feelings about my body, about wanting to be and look less chubby and more strong,and how I wanted my guns back. And my abs. Then I heard the chant in my head: 

Gunsandabsandgunsandabsandgunsandabsandgunsandabsandguns.

Funny, silly, and strangely motivating. Obviously I can't spot reduce, and I'm working up to three cycle classes a week by next month to get more cardio, especially while it's too cold to walk outside regularly, but those are my external goals, the Guns will emerge first, but eventually I will see my abs, and hopefully sooner than later. 

I might even make a few signs to keep me motivated. 

I do have some more concrete goals for progress. I'd like to be wearing:

Size 8 jeans by 2/15 (4.5 weeks) 

Size 8 skinny jeans by 3/1 (7 weeks) 

Size 6 jeans by 4/1 (11.5 weeks)

Size 4 crops/shorts by my birthday (24.5 weeks) 

Update: I'm loving PiYo. It's kicking my butt, and I really struggle with keeping up, but I do think I'm already improving. I can see myself returning to it for years to come, as a break for my joints for a couple months, as a way to switch up and keep my body guessing, I love it. I really hope to see some results soon, now that the holiday food is gone. 

Also- I'm transitioning to drinking my coffee bulletproof-blending it with vanilla, stevia, coconut oil, and soon ghee, to give my body some healthy fats to fuel and start the day with! So far I love it, and I have more energy. I'll keep updating with other changes! 

Different can be good, comparison is bad.

I am really enjoying PiYo. It's very different from my usual, but intense and challenging, and I really think it's gonna be good for me for the next few months while my foot keeps healing. It's the best of what I love about yoga, that it connects me to my body and its grace and strength, but also the intensity that I like to create with HIIT. I love that it's not easy for me, and I have plenty of room to improve, because that ensures I won't get bored. I think it will couple well with cycle class too. 

Ugh. My struggle with comparison is rearing its head again. My postpartum fitness journey has been tough, and it is tougher and downright depressing when I compare to others and how different/easy it is for them. I've gotta hike my own hike and keep the blinders on, and really focus on blooming and embracing-two of my three words for this year. I'm stronger than I was yesterday, and my body is transforming into the healthy body of a mama of two, and she is a new woman I'm still getting to know. 

Starting 2016

Happy New Year! Like most folks, I've got some things I want to accomplish this year. I'm still kinda trying to get my mindset sorted out, because I don't want to strive for things I can't control and end up disappointed and discouraged (Hello Summer 2015!). 

I've written about my general goals on my mama blog (http://crunchyvida.blogspot.com/2016/01/happy-new-year-here-what-i-aiming-for.html?m=1), but here I want to be a bit more specific about my fitness goals. 

First, lets be totally real and honest here- I want results I can see in the mirror and how my clothes fit. I want to be back in my lil bitty shorts by the time it's hot enough to wear them. I want to be in my size 8 jeans (one size down) by the end of February, 6's by the end of April, and those 4's by my birthday. I want my guns back. I want to be back at the part of my journey where fat and sizes aren't a factor and I'm just getting stronger, more agile, increasing stamina. Obviously all that is part of the journey now too, but what I didn't expect was how hard it was going to be mentally and emotionally to be 3 sizes back from where I worked so hard to be in addition to the physical recovery of having a baby, which had been complicated for me by some serious PPD. 

So what are my actual goals, since I have only moderate control of how fast I get the stuff I just said I want? 

Consistency. This is the biggest factor, especially as Declan transitions to solid food over the coming months and we move, and transition him to his own room, and all the challenges and good stuff those changes will bring. I have to work out consistently, 6 days a week,and eat to fuel my body. 

Momentum. I worked out this morning, and it was flipping brutal. I got very bad sleep last night due to Teefers McSoremouth (3 teeth in the past 10 days and at least one more coming) and I haven't worked out since early December. I don't want to feel like I do right now again. If I am consistently challenging and building, I will gain momentum to achieve more and more. 

This last goal is trickier to describe- I want daily victories. I want to notice my muscles popping, my face shape changing, being able to go deeper on a move, sprint longer in cycle class. I want payoff. 

And I want my size 4 jeans in the fall. 

Injury, setbacks, rolling with the punches

I planned to be almost halfway through bodyshred right now. That's not where I am, sadly. I have plantar fasciitis, and that has changed my whole trajectory. For the past week and a half, I've been resting, and getting used to the idea that my journey is taking a little different route right now. I am very frustrated and discouraged but I'm really trying not to focus on that. I don't know what my results goals look like right now, and can only really focus on keeping the habit of fitness up and improving in the areas in able. 

I can't do any exercise with impact, so it's yoga, swimming (but the pools at the gym are still closed right now), no impact strength training, and cycle. I'm going to have to put in more time than I've been so far if I want to continue to improve, but since the intensity will be lower, I can probably do it with less procrastination. Haha! 

I'm nervous what my return to "real" workouts will look like, and what will happen to my cardiovascular conditioning over the next 2 months, but, that's not something I can really control right now. I just have to focus on eating very clean as much as I'm able, (yay holidays)  and giving my very best in each workout. 

This month I'm doing Beginner Shred level 1 and 2, a lot of yoga (4d a week), and cycle 2x a week. I'm also going to continue working on my planks, push ups, and other bonus work. 

Finding improvement where I've had it

So, I'm on my last rest day of this round of JMBR. I'm resting, drinking water, various teas, and good clean foods. I'm still feeling very frustrated because pants are not getting any looser yet, and I'm not looking likely at all to reach the milestone goal I had set for 12 days from now (size 8 skinnies). I'm trying to accept that, but I still feel like there has to be a key to this that I'm missing. 

I'm getting more sleep overall in the past few weeks than I have since before we met our boy, so if it's sleep I need, that's as resolved as its gonna be for awhile. Declan wakes up usually only once (around 4am) to nurse, and then I offer again when I get up at 6. I can't eat any better than I am, and I can't imagine I'm eating too little, because I'm being very intentional about getting 2000 calories (net) each day. 

Side note: when Lexi was 13/14 mos and I started back on my fitness journey, I lost weight at 1600 calories net to start. She was on solids, and therefore not needing as much milk, I assume. But 400 calories is almost a pound a week difference worth of calories. Is it possible 2000 is too many calories? I don't always hit that 2000 on heavy workout days...I just don't know what to do. If I knew what to do, (eat more, less, drink more water...) I know I'd have the discipline to do it. I hate to think the answer is that nothing is gonna happen till Declan is fully on solids...who knows when that'll be? 

There's been major improvement in some areas, unrelated to my size though. I need to celebrate that, while I just keep trucking and nursing. 

-I have met every one of my planned  goals for what I'd be doing for exercise postpartum. I made this plan when I was first pregnant with Declan. I started JMBR when D was 12 weeks old, and added Cycle 2 weeks later! 

-I have, in the last 8 weeks or so, gone from being able to do 2 military style push ups at a time to 25. Tomorrow I'll be doing 3 sets of 25 on top of the 80 or so various push ups in my JMBR workout. 

-I've improved in cycle class. This is hard to quantify, because every class is different and every bike I'm on affects the ride. But I've definitely built up endurance and strength. 

-I have stuck through some hard times and missed no workouts except due to injury or surgery. That takes grit when you are getting nowhere on your external goals. 

-my mental toughness is incredible. I catch myself coaching myself to push through stuff the old me would just give out on. 

-I can do a 60 second plank like its nothin. Working toward a 5 min plank.