Crisis point

I need prayer, y'all. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling afraid and weak, and depressed. I have an amazing husband and children, but I can't enjoy them nearly like I'd like. My anxiety limits me in ways I'm too ashamed to share with almost anyone. A glimpse: I panic and fret every time we go to the store. Because there are people there. I'm an extrovert that cannot be around people. I feel unimportant and forgotten and excluded from the lives of those I love most (even if unintentional) almost always. My sleep is broken and full of nightmares. I want to overcome this everyday fear and depression so I can be free. I want to overcome this because I want to overcome something bigger-I want to get my drivers license for the first time, and take my kids places. But I cannot even think about that until I overcome waking up almost every day feeling afraid and hopeless. 

Please don't tell me medication would fix me. I've done that and it brings a separate set of issues that are not acceptable for me. Therapy is in consideration but I'm concerned it would be a "gets worse before it gets better" thing, and, well, I can't afford worse. 

I am making progress, but it's slow and the bad days are very very bad in my head, and combined with the real things that life throws at me, they are pretty dang unbearable. 

When you have a tangible challenge come up in life or a physical illness, people tend to flock to you-when your illness or pain is mental/emotional, it's very lonely because people either feel like they can't help or that you should just get over it. This contributes to my personal "I don't matter" complex, which, when I've shared it with people, has recently gotten me the "suck it up" or "you know that's not true" response. It's easy to just brush it off and SAY that, but is it so hard to let someone know they matter to you personally, that they bring value to your life? I was really struggling with this pain in my heart recently to the point that I was wailing in my sleep "why doesn't ------love me?" And without knowing that, I got a text from that person before I even woke the next Morning telling me they loved me. That text may have saved my life that day. No joke.   

Who do you know who needs that from you? You CAN help. Please don't ever think you can't help someone suffering from depression and anxiety. Your 30 seconds to send a text might give them the strength to go on fighting. Talking about what I'm feeling often makes me feel worse, opens wounds and makes me feel embarrassed, but just a message of love means the world. 

If you've read all this, thank you. ❤️

Progress-just not in statistical stuff

So, I'm in that limbo where I am trying to ignore the fact that external/aesthetic changes aren't apparent yet-again. It's hard, like always, but fortunately I'm familiar enough with my body to know it *will* happen, and I won't notice while it is, but suddenly, one day... boom. 

I am making progress though. I got up at six today, had breakfast and devotions, got my workout done before eight thirty, did breakfast and school, and folded a bunch of clothes (and even put most of them away before lunch. I made the kids lunch, made salad dressing , ate my lunch, made Scott's lunch, and started dinner, all by one thirty. Now, I'm totally wiped out, and my kitchen is a disaster, but I'm taking time to rest. I need it. 

Last Monday -ten days ago- I was barely functional. I literally had to sit in a chair in the kitchen and give scott directions on making dinner, even though I'd done little all day besides feed the kids. This is progress. Maybe in another ten days I'll be sitting down at rest time with a clean kitchen and dining room to boot! And maybe my period will be over (still waiting for it to start) and I'll be about to discover that I've reached my goal jeans-since my halfway point/goal measure in this round of BodyShred is in eleven days!

I'm tired, but I'm building and I have hope that I can keep building, with grace and commitment hand in hand. 

Manic Monday

Is it possible to feel discouraged and defeated but also more driven than ever to overcome? I'm discovering that it is. That's where I'm at today. 

I kinda knew my results from level 1 would be abysmal because of my swelling and where I am in my cycle. But I'm still bummed. 

I struggled soooo hard through my whole workout today, and there was an exercise I just flat out couldn't get and that really frustrates me, because this is only level two, it should not be too hard, when I have finished this program before. Now, to be fair, I couldn't do it last time though either. Also to be fair, my period is supposed to come any second now, and I'm tired and anxious and it's cloudy out, she today wasn't gonna be my day anyway. 

I'm not sure how, but I want to create drastic gains in strength so that I can conquer both tricep push ups and be able to do at least the modified version of these crossovers ASAP. I know the final level of this program is freaking bananas and I want to start it (four weeks from today) with confidence and expectation of success. 

I also want to really Improve my cardio conditioning. I'm at the point where I can keep moving throughout the whole 2min cardio interval, which is an improvement, but when the exercise is in plank, I cannot continue that exercise the whole time because my arms and shoulders cannot take it.

So, how am I gonna do this? I'm already working in more regular and triceps push ups on push days (Mon/Thurs), and I'm about to add Saturday to that.  This is worth some strategy, because overcoming an obstacle is a great confidence and morale boost.

Ok here it is: my bonus workouts outlined for this phase (2 weeks), to be performed twice a day, either in a row or split. Just gotta get the reps in. I've got strength moves and cardio intervals in plank in there, so I'm challenging myself where I want to improve. 

Small Victories

Tomorrow I'll be a quarter of the way through this round of BodyShred! That's both encouraging to realize and a little...meh. I've really struggled through every workout, not kicking butt like I thought or hoped I'd be the second time around. I lost most of the last 6 weeks of 2016 to mental and physical blahs, and obviously that time consistently training would have had me starting in a different place this new year, so it makes sense. It's just not what I wanted or planned. 

But, so much of what I'm realizing I need to create for myself in this season applies in many areas. I need to allow myself to be where I am and grow from where I am right now, not where I think I should be right now. 

So, every day, in as many areas as occur to me, I'm going to celebrate small victories.  So here are some for today: 

-school went awesome! 

-I got everything I wanted to done this morning! 

-I did my workout even though I got up late 

-my anxiety waited till late afternoon to start to really cause a problem 

- we played outside today! 

-I will have finished 1/4 of BodyShred without skipping a workout (pending tomorrow)! 

-I'm getting so much better perspective and it's really empowering! 

Finding my footing for 2017

I've got so much to process and write about and share as we begin this new year. Some of it is a bit too raw to dig into quite yet, so I'm gonna back burner it for now.

 I'm beginning to get my feet under me, though, and see how the themes in my outlook for this year are shaping up. I started the year with drive and motivation but also very depleted emotionally and physically. That helped me realize I needed to (I know I've been saying this for ages, but it's still an issue...) make self care a true priority. I cannot pour from an empty cup, and if I keep letting myself get just a little refilled and then  pour out every time, I'm never gonna make progress, I'm just gonna stay empty and brittle and broken. 

We are getting back into schedule and routine, which, in itself feeds my soul, and as we do, I'm also being kind to myself. This means that (right now, in the short term) if I need to sleep in, I am- BUT- this does not mean no workout. I still have to make that happen. And obviously sleeping in makes that harder.  Another aspect of my new outlook on self care is a color coded to-do list for the day. This will probably be its own blog post in the near future, but the gist is, that what *has* to be done each day Is written in a color to match who it's for, and something I'd *like* to get done is in black, and I know it's just a bonus. So far that is working well, and I look forward to honing and sharing my system as it grows and changes. 

I'm also going to do a couple things in the next couple days to fine tune and optimize my routine: 

-revisit the early chapters of LMAL to refresh the behaviors that were helpful 

-really look at my day and find space for self care and soul feeding each day.

-fine tune my morning and evening routines 

I'll share what I come up with! 

New Year, starting Bodyshred round two!

Happy New Year! I've got lots to process as we start 2017, but this post is just a check in as I start round two of Bodyshred and reset my food for the year. 

For food, I'm going to be tracking calories and macros, and being as grain and bean free as is practical. I'm starting with a calorie net goal of 1500, which I'll probably drop in two weeks or so, and a macro ratio of 40% protein, 30% fat, 30% carbs. 

I'm using a preworkout, bcaa, and protein supplements as well as probiotics and a CLA supplement to boost results in the short term. 

I lost much of November and December to anxiety and health stuff, so I'm not starting as lean and conditioned as I hoped, but I'm determined and excited to get stronger and healthier. I'm really going to push on the cardio intervals and focus on form in the strength ones this time through. I'm really hoping that in the next 8-12 weeks, the "weight loss" portion of my journey will be finished and I can focus on building and leaning even more, and then shift my focus to yoga and develop that practice. 

Time to get started!