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Letting Him Lead: an Emerging Theme.

 

From our first email exchange, over a week before we met, E spoke of seeing where God leads, in regard to our therapeutic journey. I found this comforting right away, and it cemented my sense that God was already leading, and had led me to *her*.  That phrase, or something like it came up again and again in our early communications, and I found it so reassuring and hope-giving. I was also, if I'm honest, confused by what it would actually look like played out. I had some ideas off what therapy would look like, and the patience required to "let Him Lead" was not matching up with that in my head. That's because God really had led me to someone special. 

The other part of my confusion stemmed from feeling like I'd been fighting for two years to get Him to deliver me, to save me, to rescue me. I'd been fighting with all I had, expending more energy than I had to give, throwing every ounce of my being into desperately doing all I could to get out of this dark place. I was exhausted, getting nowhere, and it felt like I was sinking deeper by the moment. I was trying supplements, exercise, focusing on trying to sleep, reading all I could about so many things to try. Everything would help, some. Nothing helped enough. I felt like God was silent, or maybe He'd abandoned me but to poke His head in once in awhile. So when was He gonna start leading? Or was I missing it?

Meanwhile, I came across an article about rip currents, how to spot and avoid them, and what to do if you find yourself in one. This latter part made something click and almost moved me to tears. When you find yourself in a rip current, being pulled further from shore and safety, you might feel like the  best thing you can do is swim with all your might against the current back to the shore,  but that's not actually the answer. You should, if you're a strong swimmer, swim parallel to the shore until you get free of the rip, then diagonally to shore. No fighting the current. Don't be a hero. And if you're tired or not a strong swimmer, don't swim at all. Stay where you are and gently tread water. In either case, CALL FOR HELP. Especially if you're not strong-don't try to save yourself-keep yourself afloat as best you can and call for help.

You may have read where I've compared mental illness like mine to the tide. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's pretty deep at high tide, and sometimes low tide is so sunny and warm the sand even dries between and under my toes. Well, the time of crisis (hard to say how long now, it was a slow process to get to the worst of it, but suddenly I was there) has been a riptide. Slowly it lurked below the surface, appearing calm, but suddenly I'm 100 yards from shore and terrified. And y'all, for so long I was doing the thing that came naturally- I was fighting with all I had to get back to shore-and it kept me going, so I'm glad I did-but it didn't get me closer to shore. It did exhaust me though, and make me feel helpless. I was barely treading water when God opened my eyes to the life preserver sitting there next to Him with a big E on it. 

Now, after 6 weeks or so with E, and the moment we had last week where we both knew what I needed, I'm starting to understand what it means to let Him lead- a phrase E has used more, and one that has shown up in my devotional time too. Not only His leading, but His compassion and gentleness in doing so, which is salve to my soul! 

 It doesn't mean sitting back and doing nothing. It means showing myself grace in daily life, as I wrote about yesterday. It means pursuing and prioritizing time with Him and opening my heart in that time to know, be known, and let Him heal me through His love. It means practicing calming techniques and thought mapping exercises to help learn to combat the anxiety in ways I'm ready to right now, along with self care and feeding my body and heart and treating myself like I am a beloved child of the King. It means when challenges come, I have Him on my side, helping me decide what's best in each situation and giving me the strength to do it-whether it's saying yes and overcoming, or, if I'm just not ready, saying no and (hopefully) experiencing less shame. It means there's no rush, no timetables, no metrics I have to meet in regards to performance-and that big growth can happen in small ways. I hope to share soon the ways I'm seeing growth and change, and that maybe it will encourage your heart too. 

I have so far to go, but each day I become more confident that I'm on my way. 

Giving myself grace: bridging the gap in the road to routine, and body image: loving myself along the way

I have the tendency to be an all or nothing gal. I also thrive on routine, and feel more free to be spontaneous and mix it up when I have a consistent routine in place. None of this is a bad thing-it's good, because kids need structure and routine too. BUT- the flip side is that I struggle when I can't get the routine going, and as I mentioned earlier I'm an all or nothing girl by nature. So, for the past couple years as I've struggled to create and sustain routine, I've fallen into a "nothing hole" when I can't do it all. The cycle has looked like this: 

1: decide that starting on Monday (always and only Monday, amirite?) I'm gonna get up at six, eat, have devotions, work out, get dressed, get the kids dressed, feed them, have school, do Housework and go for a walk, all before lunch. 

2. Do that successfully for somewhere between a day and 2 weeks, then burn out completely, leading to

3. Do absolutely none of the above out of complete depression and hopelessness at what a failure I am, for probably at least a week, and become just disgusted with myself and we are back to step 1. 

I told E all this in our session last week, and she listened, then gave me the single goal of being gracious with myself over the next week. Try to get up at six if I wanted, try to get that workout done, but if not, be okay with that.no guilt, no sense of failure. Try, but let God lead. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I bristled a bit at this internally at first- NO! What I NEED is someone to tell me to suck it up and make it happen! Don't I? Then I heard her tell me I have all the right intentions, but I need to be gracious with myself. Also, My friend C has been telling me this for at least D's whole life. Hmm. 

So that was Monday night. I realized that I HAD actually gotten my workout done that day, though I beat myself up because I hadn't started till 4pm. But I had done it. So in the spirit of giving myself grace, I decided to take this one step, one day at a time. I didn't set my alarm that night. I think I woke up at 930 the next morning when Declan did. I got up, got the kids downstairs, decided priority one was devotions. So I had them pick a learning show and stationed them in front of it while I spent some time with God. Then, I let them free, did a little school with each of them, and I eventually managed to do my workout-before starting dinner that day! And when Scott got home I got on my bike! Success! Wednesday I had the same general plan, but rest instead of a workout, and I went for a long walk alone in the evening, taking Lexi with me for the first part. Thursday, same as Tuesday, but I got the workout done before nap time! And,  since Scott worked from home in the afternoon, I got on my bike by 4pm while Lexi played outside. Friday I got my workout done again before nap time and felt really accomplished and fulfilled. I did no housework that I can remember all week, the house was an absolute disaster, actually, and I didn't ever get up before 8am. But my mood was completely different, and i really enjoyed my time with my kids. 

All week I was telling myself  "this is ok. It's a bridge between where you were and where you're trying to get to. It's a big chasm and you can't jump it. Just focus right now on doing what matters most." What matters most is my spiritual and physical health, and those feed my emotional health, which allows me to enjoy and be present with my babies, instead of needing to retreat into my phone to escape all the negative thoughts that feed my depression and anxiety. All week I was rediscovering myself and getting a peek at the mama and wife I want to be. Scott and I also found ourselves having more quality time and less time of him talking me down from panic. All this from loosening the reins on myself a bit. 

I also found myself starting to enjoy working out again- after at least 6-8 months of "don't wanna" and "I'm getting nowhere what's the point" thoughts before, during, and after workouts, I started to feel like myself again and that is SO cool and encouraging. 

My body image is somewhere I need this new attitude, perspective, whatever it is, to take hold, and maybe it already has. I don't find myself obsessing as much about "is my body changing yet" since this shift. I have just been getting it in, being mostly intentional about food but not a slave to the calorie count, and living my life. I am trying to apply the same grace. You're not where you wanna be, but you are taking all the right steps. * Focus on the steps you're taking and know each one is getting you closer and let yourself enjoy the journey. The only one judging you is you. *

I feel like this shift in thinking could be life changing if I let it stick. I feel like as mamas especially, so many of us need to embrace this. I am so encouraged and looking forward to what comes next. 

Ladybug is Five

Oh, My Lexi. My vibrant, funny, brilliant, creative, expressive, passionate, emotional, energetic, loving, wild and crazy girl. I can't believe you're five already. Your baby years are behind us, and you're crossing the bridge from little girl to big girl faster by the day. I'm So proud of you in so many ways, and mystified by how quickly you've grown. 

You are so creative. If I'd let you-and I'm trying to, more and more-you'd "make art" all day every day. You get ideas and you want to dive into realizing them-which is amazing, inspiring, and...messy. Maybe this year we will work on cleaning up our messes more, so we can have more freedom to create. You love to paint, make collages, sculpt with play doh, draw, build structures from whatever you can find, put on plays, and more. There is no limit to your imagination. 

You are passionate beyond words. You get they from me, and I think that helps our relationship, because big feelings are very familiar to me-if they weren't, I'd be pretty overwhelmed, and sometimes I still am. You feel everything so very strongly, Ladybug, and while that's a gift, I'm praying for wisdom to help you modulate and rein it in- not for my ease, not for anyone's comfort, but for you, and your own enjoyment and freedom in life. The answer isn't that your feelings aren't real, that they don't matter, or they you need to choose otherwise. Your feelings and your passion and your connection to them are a gift, an intentional way God has made you, but like many gifts, they can be the source of our biggest weaknesses too. Mama is learning a lot about that now, and hopefully that learning will help me love you and help you better. I love your vibrance, and never want it to fade. 

You are so curious about everything-right now you're especially trying to get a handle on what's "in our world"'and what's imaginary. If something or someone *is* in our world, you want to see and experience it-or meet the person. Distance and celebrity have no bearing to you. I love that. Dream, sweet girl, because it's all in reach for you. I love that you want to learn and experience so much, and it makes me excited to take this learning and schooling journey with you, at your pace and in our own way. You also want to help teach your brother everything, and I think you'll be a big part of his learning journey too. 

Right now, Disney Princesses are everything.  I definitely made the right call getting you dolls of some of them for your birthday. I love watching and joining you as you imagine how fun it would be if they were all friends. Moana is definitely your favorite, and that makes me happy because she's the best role model. I pray, each time we watch that movie that, when the time comes for you to follow your heart that I'll be able to support and encourage you, no matter how far it may take you. Right now, though, my sweet princess baby, stay close to your Mama. 

Your spiritual journey is beginning in earnest, I think, and I both swell up and start to panic at your thoughts and questions, because they are deep and important and I want so badly for you to not just hear the answers but for them to be written on your heart in a way that brings you security and courage and comfort and wisdom. I love when you pray. It's beautiful, encouraging, heartfelt, and often comical, when you string together all the "spiritual" phrases you can think of. "Because of the lord will give you comfort in your heart and the spirit will peace and love and obey and always trust in the lord and be with you..."  oh, my Bug, I love you, and I will always pray with you and for you. 

You're a wonderful big sister, and even though you and Bub tussle from time to time, you love each other fiercely and the first thing he wants when he wakes is "SIS!", so it can't be too bad when you fight. I love watching you two cuddle and watch tv, or read books together ( you'll be reading to him for real so soon!), or play in the backyard. I know you're bummed you can't marry him, but I promise you can be best friends forever if you want. 

Lexi, I tell you all the time how glad I am that God gave me you. I tell you that you're the one I waited my whole life for, that you are my heart, my dreams come true. It's not that I love you more than Bub, it's that there is a unique love for a mama and her firstborn. Because as much as I adore him, *you* are the one I dreamed of for my whole life from the moment I was old enough to dream of being a mama-you were the answer to years of prayers and hopes and tears and waiting, and just like the day you were born- you are worth the wait. 

An Exercise in Boldness

I am not bold. I am generally outgoing, I'm warm, I'm friendly, but I'm not bold. I hate risk, and I especially hate if the risk is rejection. If I introduce myself to you or come talk to you one on one, it's a huge deal, because I am so insecure and I'm pretty much always sure I'll say the wrong thing. When I do push past this, it's because I know how much it would mean to me if someone pursued me, made me know they wanted specifically to talk to me, 

How much more does that apply to all the people who are struggling with, if not the very same things as me, something similar enough that knowing what I'm dealing with and how I'm finding my way would make them feel less alone and give them hope? 

Recently, and I don't think by any accident, at least a half dozen people, all of whom I really respect, have told me I have a way with words, or that I am a beautiful writer. I've always loved writing, it's always come easily to me when I write from my heart, and I've often wondered if it would ever be something I did "for real." I have so much to share that I feel could encourage and uplift, and I believe wholeheartedly that God has given me this life with its joys and challenges, to help others along theirs. I also have experience and familiarity with a lot of writers and know how tough the business is. But-if God has given me the gift and desire-He will provide the resources and the direction. 

So, I'm gonna pursue this. Not entirely sure where it's going, but I'm going to write, share, engage, pursue, and pray-a lot. Most of all, I'm going to be *me*. It'll be honest, authentic, and balanced with my priorities and where I am in my journey. Right now, that means I'm not trying to go full speed ahead, not trying to land a publisher and all that jazz, but rather to pursue health, mind, body and soul, and share that with you, and gently pursue widening my net. So, welcome to the wild (or maybe not!) ride! If you have thoughts or ideas or want to be part of me developing this, I'm all ears! 

If you're new to my blog, please feel free to go back and read to get to know me better! 

The Holy Spirit and Therapy

I did not really want to go to therapy tonight. I wanted to see E, wanted to share what I've been thinking and feeling and what God is showing me about Himself and myself, and where he's calling to my heart (and oh how my heart aches for Him, Y'all. How I am

hungry for Him, His Love, His Peace...His arms holding me close.) I wanted to share that I really am feeling that before I can heal

in practical ways, before I can test my limits and push myself into these uncomfortable situations, I need to develop some confidence. Above all else, I need to rediscover who God is, who He is to ME, how  much He loves me. I also need to discover, explore, embrace who I am. Who He says I am, just as His child, and the beauty of all

The individual ways He has made me ME. ON PURPOSE, y'all! Because who I am is going to bring him joy and glory. I feel so strongly that these things are going to help

me so much to approach the hard work with strength and confidence. 

I also feel like I need to get a handle on my everyday self care before I can go stressing myself out, if that makes sense. I feel like if I am not taking great care of myself *now*, with no actual extra demands on me, I'm

Really gonna shut down if I try to make myself do hard things. So I want to work on that too. Especially my mornings, which are, and have been, the tone-setters for my day. If I can make getting up, having devotions, working out before the kids get up, and keeping up baseline housework habitual again, if they are my normal, it will reduce the fear I have of everything collapsing that I think lies beneath so many of my more specific worries. For me, having a routine makes occasional deviation from routine less scary. But, the past couple years, I've never gotten to baseline normal, and I think that has stripped me of a lot of confidence as well. 

I did not want to talk about and start facing these fears when I don't feel like I have these tools that I think will make the job go so much smoother. I walked in there tired, drained, depressed, and discouraged. 

All that said, I am so bad at speaking up about my feelings, about what I think I need, and especially when I feel like someone else is an authority figure or more knowledgeable than me, and I worry about disappointing people if I'm not able to go with their plan, but I have more confidence with E already than almost anyone else, and when E and I started talking tonight about a specific anxiety to tackle, she heard me start to articulate some of this,  and I fully believe the Holy Spirit was there and told her what I was saying was important, because she got it, and took me in a different direction. 

Y'all, I never thought I'd be in therapy, because I assumed it would be aggressive and scary and high pressure, but God led me to E. I sensed it months before I contacted her, I sensed it when I first contacted her, I freaked out before my first session and almost bailed, I knew I was in the right place the second I met her the first time, I have known it during every session, and when I wanted to run last week, I reminded myself of this. Tonight He showed me again, that I am in the right place. As much as I want to be better, it has to happen the right way, and E gets that. She is listening to the Holy Spirit and not rushing toward an end result, because she knows that God will give us the result if we look to Him to take the lead. I am SO thankful for her. I am thankful for her balance of educating herself about the clinical psychology aspects of treatment and the spiritual warfare and healing needed and the source of that healing. 

I left tonight, not discouraged at where I am, but unburdened, because I will get better. Because God is guiding this, and E is walking through it with me. Because we are pursuing not a quick fix, but healing. I may struggle my whole life with some aspects of this illness, but it is not what God has for me to live in bondage. I am thankful for the healing I'm already finding, with a therapist who reflects the truth of my personal beauty back to me, who is more concerned with God's healing than speeding me through the process (it's different for everyone, of course!), and who gives me confidence and freedom to communicate what I need-and is listening! I felt ashamed at not being ready yet to face the fears, but now I feel

Excited because I know this groundwork is setting me up for lasting freedom, instead of band aid fixes that won't last. We are fixing the foundation issues before we try to rebuild, which just makes sense. 

Thank you, Father, for your presence tonight, and for helping me recognize it. Thank you for E, for leading me to her,  and the mission and calling and even ministry you've given her through her work. Please bless, renew, and encourage her heart, and bless her. Please keep opening my eyes to your work and presence in and around me, and help me make intentional and wise use of my time. Thank you for your healing and your love. 

Thoughts on Mental Health

A lot of what I have to say has been said before, but when someone asked me today what I thought contributed to my feeling better this morning than in months, I realized I had SO much to say to answer that. This is going to be stream of consciousness again and will veer off on a tangent or two, but hopefully I can keep it connected and coherent. 

 

First, I want to say that I've known for years that mental health was as real and important as physical health. That is not new to me. But what has had to evolve and is still evolving is my understanding of how it relates to and interacts with my faith. That's where it gets sticky, because a vast majority of the "church people" I've known until recently have believed, or at least communicated that they believe that there is a choice involved in this. I think that's where a lot of distinctions need to be made. I'm not making the choice to wake up choked in fear or blanketed in sadness (or on very special days, both!) before my eyes open each morning. I'm not choosing for the breath to be sucked out of my lungs when something (as overused as this word has become) triggers me. I don't choose for these thoughts to pop up and consume me. What I do choose is to keep fighting against them every time-to get out of bed each day-even during the darkest days I have gotten up every single morning and cared for my children and, so some extent, myself. Even though the pain of the moment and the fear of what's to come have been unbearable, I am still here. I have not chosen to give up by death or give in and lay immobile. I have not chosen to abandon my faith even when God seems so far from me in my darkness, because I choose to search for him and ache to hunger for him even when my mind tells me he's either abandoned me or was never there in the first place. 

The "let go and let God" mantras are great-they are, and valuable in their place, but they don't meet you where you are when where you are is hanging onto hope by a thread. E asked me if I've ever been suicidal, and instead of a yes or no, I said this: "I have wanted to escape from the pain. I have never  felt I personally am worthless or my life was not worth living, but the thought has popped in my head as an escape fantasy when I can't imagine another way to feel better. I would never do that to my children though, and I know, that beyond all this pain, in reality, my life is beautiful."  She said she totally understood and that yeah, relief can be found and calm reached, by having that thought cycle. (Even in that, she gets me.) 

Something I've wrestled with it's been said or implied that I'm not praying enough, don't have enough faith, or I don't *want* to let go of this. I've been told "God has given you a big brain, and you're very smart, but you think/dwell too much" like it's a choice, and I'm willfully sinning by remaining in this state or returning to it often. And I feel so troubled by that-because when I'm given criticism I really do try to take it to heart! It's taken me so long to be able to accept for myself that this is real and it's not a sin (any more than any imperfection in our world is caused by sin from the Fall), it's an illness. And while it would be possible to give in and give up, and that might be walking outside God's plan, this is not. I'm learning that when folks don't understand, yeah it hurts, but also I can find a moment to be thankful on their behalf, because, while we all have struggles, clearly theirs is not this one, and that's the gap. Not to mention there is a spectrum on which people are capable of empathy, and while I'm on the extreme end of the spectrum ( my biggest marital scuffles happen because I feel his feelings and take them personally when they often have nothing to do with me), most people are not.

The biggest distinction that I see needing to be made is between *being/feeling* depressed/anxious and *having* Depression/Anxiety. We all have times of feeling depressed or anxious, but for most, these are not chronic states of being. In many cases a healthy mind can choose to focus in what's positive and realistic and overcome. And that's where a lot of those motivational phrases can encourage! But when your mind is ill, it's just not that way, and even well meaning encouragement or exhortation can do more harm than good. Its analogous to a broken leg or cancer. Would you tell a person with a broken leg to just stop focusing on that and go for a run? Would you tell a person with cancer to just forget about that for today and have fun? It would seem ridiculous to sit next to a vomiting person and ask them how long they are going to be like this. I like the broken leg or cancer analogies specifically because they can and often do heal, but require rest, time, and treatment-just like mental illness. 

I think another area that needs more understanding/less stigma, particularly in Christian circles is getting clinical help. Most Christians are comfortable with "counseling", especially if it's from a "christian counselor" or a pastor, but many balk at seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist (I've already been amused to hear people change my reference to my *Therapist* to "counselor", but maybe they are interchangeable to people?) , or I've heard it said that psychology "is using man's wisdom instead of God's." I'd point to the above, and ask if they'd recommend getting someone off the street to set a broken bone or treat their cancer. God has gifted people in many different ways and on purpose-lets not dismiss that. Now, I personally find it very important to see a therapist who shares my faith, but I definitely don't think it's wrong to seek help from someone who doesn't. I also think that there are many wonderful Christian Counseling centers and practitioners out there, I just knew my situation was dire and I wanted the big guns. 

----Here's a tangent related to Christians and psychology that I want to talk on for a minute because it's something I've kinda just recently been able to articulate well. I was involved in a discussion about Myers-Briggs types recently, and someone piped up something along the lines of "we aren't God and we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we ought." Which is true, but I think dismissive of something very special and powerful that He has given us. I use Myers-Briggs (MBTI) to really try to understand people and it helps me relate to them and even give and receive love better by that understanding. It's not analysis for the sake of "I can put you in a box", but more "ok, you're an introvert, but you are in a career where people are demanding of your time and energy a lot. I can love you best by giving you space and time to recharge and not freaking out if you don't answer my texts for a day or 5." Or "you're an 'Sensing' type,  so you don't really naturally intuit or read into things-I need to be more direct with you and not assume you're going to figure out what I need from you." Or, "You're a Thinker vs a Feeler, so my overflowing well of emotions at all times seems a bit ridiculous and unnecessary to you. I can't/won't change that about myself, but I can try to rein it in a bit for you."  (btw my parents are both Sensing Thinkers and I'm an intuitive feeler- those are the core features in MBTI and it means our personalities function almost completely opposite. Yay! Hahahaha)  So, maybe psychology isn't playing God, as much as it's using another aspect of being made in His image to build and heal- just like being a medical doctor or a pastor or a teacher. Lets not put limits on the ways God can use people to be part of His healing. 

There are so many avenues of help available to us, and it's not one size fits all. For some, a psychiatrist, who can help diagnose you and manage medication, is the right avenue. Or a Psychologist like E, who can use different therapeutic approaches to help treat you, might be a better fit. Or maybe you don't think you need anything intensive and a Licensed Professional Counselor is best. Or maybe you just need to meet with a pastor or mentor regularly to talk things out and have someone who you trust to share what's going on. None of these is right or wrong, it's about finding what's best for you. 

I have had a long journey to get to where I am and the therapeutic choices I'm making now. I did take medication for 5 years, and then again for 6 months again, and it helped manage some things, but made others worse, and I cannot afford those things now or to experiment with what other drugs could do. I thought for a long time that my issues were purely chemical, and that therapy would not help, and then, when I started to realize that there was some actual emotional/traumatic connection too, I began to fear that opening up all that would be far worse. I came to a point, though, where I was hurting so badly I could no longer go on as I was, and I started looking, and found E on a website. It took me another two months to contact her. I'm so glad I did. The journey ahead will be challenging, but E truly cares and is willing to go slow and do what's best for *me*. I told her about the Jewel song with the lyric "Please be careful with me, I'm

Sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way." And she said "I LOVE that! and that's what we will do. We will protect that for you. We just need to rein it in a bit." 

One more thing I want to touch on tonight: please be mindful of co-opting mental illness in a flippant sense "oh my gosh I have so much anxiety about xyz" when what you mean is you're nervous, for example. Your nervousness is valid, but for some of us, anxiety is crippling and seeing our illness used flippantly feels like watering down or making light. "That crooked picture is killing my OCD lolol" -You can be persnickety or bothered by visual disorder or not like dirt and germs without having OCD. Having OCD is not something laughable to those who suffer from it. This isn't always a huge deal, but on a bad day, I know it can really upset me and others. 

Thanks for reading, y'all, and I look forward to continuing to share what God shows me on this journey! 

State of Mae 7/13/17

I wish I could write here about the roller coaster of the past eight months, about the sadness, the fear, and the beauty and the healing-because it's all important- ut I just can't find a way, because telling my story would be telling a story that involves other people, and I really try not to do that here because I never want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like they are on the defensive. I do feel like I need to write about it somewhere, though, so it will likely have to

be old school, in a paper journal.

I don't have a plan for this post, I just feel like I need to write and clear my head and I feel like so much of what is in my head is important and could really help someone else. 

I'm just over a month into therapy, I have at least a provisional diagnosis (feel free to ask, but I'm not ready to share that here in the open), and we are starting to talk about the hard stuff, the practical. I'm terrified by that. I wanted to run out of the room at least twice on Monday, but I also really want to believe this can and will help. I really like E, and I think she is definitely a good fit for me. She encourages me in a way I think it's safe to say nobody ever has. These are things she has said, just in this first handful of sessions: 

"You are such a survivor!"

"You have such a beautiful heart!"

"You are so gracious, even when talking about people and situations that are painful for you!"

"I love the way you love people!"

"It's is so beautiful the way you feel things! You really feel your feelings, and so many people can't do that."

Those are just a few off the top of my head. 

I feel like the things that most people close to me have tried to get me to tamp down or change, (maybe because it doesn't match how they deal with things, or it makes them uncomfortable?)  are things she is able to see and appreciate in me-things that, if I let myself, I actually love about myself! It's like she's holding up a mirror, but with a truth filter that removes the shame of many years of bullying by peers and judgement by authority figures-and I truly feel like digging more into and seeing myself through that mirror, as the woman God made me-ON PURPOSE- could go a long way toward helping me heal. I struggle so much with value and worth and feeling loved and wanted-even with those I'm closest to I have a sense of being put up with like an annoying but endearing pet at best, but maybe if I can discover the truth and beauty of who God made me and know it's on and for a purpose, I can build more confidence to live a freer more confident life. Maybe I can see and receive love from others, no matter how they are showing it, instead of missing it because it's not how I want it (even subconsciously, because I'm not a brat who wants things my way-more on this later), and maybe I will be easier to love if I'm not gobbling up everything I get like it's my first meal in months. That's on top of the clinical care and exercises I'll do with E, and I think it will be worth the time I'll have to carve out to do it. 

About receiving love: I had a bit of a wake up moment recently during a really hard conversation with a loved one. I don't recall the exact words, but this person basically said that they try and try to show me their love and I just won't accept or believe it. It breaks my heart and I'm in tears just writing that, because, a) I would NEVER want anyone to feel that way, that sense of rejection, especially someone I love so much, and b) I am SO hungry for love, from those closest to me in particular, that I am sad to have missed out-and somehow I have, and I don't know how. But, even in the tumultuous place my mind and heart were in in that moment, I purposed and prayed to have open eyes to love being shown me, especially by those who may love differently than me. And you know what? God answered that prayer immediately and repeatedly. Again, I can't share details here, but when I write in that journal, this conversation and what has followed in this relationship will be covered with great detail! 

I feel like I need to write another post now, that connects to but doesn't fit in this one, about mental health and faith and where my heart is on the topic. 

I really hope this journey and the gift God has given me of transparency and candor-I'm a freaking open book-will encourage, comfort, embolden, and bless y'all! 

Update 6/21

So I meant to do this more often, but it's a roller coaster in my head, so here we are. 

I've got two therapy sessions under my belt, and I'm really feeling good about this in a long term view, though it's really scary and overwhelming to think about the work. I love my therapist already and I am relieved to be heard and excited to work with her. 

I'm able to do three sets of twenty push ups! That came pretty quickly, but I haven't pushed for 25 because, for now, I'm kinda content with 20. Maybe in a couple weeks. 

I'm probably not gonna be comfortable in those shorts/capris by my birthday, and that's ok. I've been through a lot mentally the past few weeks, and I have to be fair to myself. 

The plan between now and my birthday is this:

Th: strength workout, cardio workout/3 sets push ups 

F: strength/cardio 

Sa: strength/cardio/walk

Su: REST

M: strength/cardio

Tu: strength/cardio (+cycle?)

Wed: walk/yoga

Th: walk/yoga

F: yoga/travel

Sa: wedding 

Su: Dad's bday/travel 

M: birthday! (Yoga/walk I hope) 

Tuesday: start new plan

6/5 Check in- good, bad, ugly

Ok, so the past week was one of both progress and frustration. I'm gonna break down what was good, what was bad, and what was downright ugly. 

Good: I'm definitely getting stronger and fitter-for the most part I'm able to get through each circuit without pausing for a break, which used to be "normal" but 2 weeks ago was impossible. I'm also making progress toward my goal of doing sets of twenty push ups again. Food went pretty well too overall. 

Bad: the UTI symptoms I've been dealing with off and on since late April came back, and that triggered my anxiety in all kinds of ways. I'm almost through my antibiotics so let's hope this kicks it for good. Also, I'm not seeing giant impressive shrinking progress and that's really discouraging me. I made the  mistake of getting on the scale, and that wasn't great either-and I should've known better. I stayed up too late pretty much every night last week so I'm nowhere near where I need to be normalizing my sleep. 

The UGLY: my anxiety is just terrible. It was getting better day to day, but, maybe from pushing myself to do all the things last weekend and then staying up too late and all the workouts...it was all too much. It wouldn't surprise me if the UTI symptoms aren't from a UTI but from my anxiety. Even now I'm terrified about everything and nothing. 

So, clearly I need to find a way to refocus and charge ahead to achieve my goals and improve quality of life for my whole family, despite not feeling great about how things are going right now. 

Today the plan is: 

1 -2 set push-ups 

Feed kids

Feed self/devotions

School

Third set push ups

Workout-focus on strength training moves but do cardio intervals as able 

Protein shake

Lunch for kids

Workout 2- same focus 

Lunch for me

Do something creative with Lexi

Make dinner 

Family time 

That's all I can really worry about-what I can actually do-I can't control the results I get from the workouts, but I can give them my best and know I will get stronger, especially if I prioritize rest as well. 

Bonus good: I have started contact with a therapist who I feel is a great fit for me and though it will be a bit of a wait, I'm hopeful of what we can accomplish! 

***update I just did 20 push-ups in my first set!

Don't call it a comeback-no, actually, go ahead.

So, I've been back at it for a few weeks now, but haven't had the time or resources or focus to write.i can't really talk about my lost late  March and all of April, as cathartic as it would be, because i can't write without saying something negative about some people, and you know what Thumper's mama told him! 

Also, a GINORMOUS shoutout of thankfulness for my amazing husband who got me through that time with lots of prayer, encouragement, hugs, and listening. I would not be here without him. Also to all you ladies who listened to my saga and/or prayed for me. 

I have made/am making a helluva comeback though. It's humbling to realize how much fitness is lost in 6 weeks or so of complete inactivity, and the way this illness can break down the body as well as the mind. Because of this, I have to redefine what my goal is for my 35th birthday, five weeks from today. 

My goal for the mid-term (not even long term)  is still #ropesngunsnabs, but I'm not gonna have a six pack, or even a flat pack in five weeks. So what is my birthday goal? I'm gonna figure that out, right now, in a stream of consciousness by defining some smaller goals. 

-I want to be back to doing three sets of 25 push ups (on top of whatever is in my workouts) 2-3x a week. On Saturday I did 4 sets of 12, so I don't think this will take 5 weeks. 15 by this Saturday, 20 the next, 25 the week after. Boom. 

-I want to be practicing yoga 4-6x a week, even if only 20-30 minutes at a time. I'm hoping to start that this Thursday. Yoga is my true love, and ultimately I want to shift my fitness focus from more HIIT/some yoga to the reverse. 

-I want to average a fifteen minute mile on our walks. This is trickier because it's getting hotter, and walks are a bit more draining, but it's a goal-and I'll just work at it till I get there, even if it takes till Fall. 

-I want to be able to do any class on my Peleton cycle app-right now I'm back to 20 minute beginner classes as I ramp up, but even in March I was only working through 45 minute basic classes, and I want to be able to do interval classes, metrics, or whatever I want, even for 60 or 90 minutes. I might be able to get there in 5 weeks, but most likely it'll take a bit longer- I'm hoping before our vacation in August though. 

All those are performance goals, because that's really what I have more control over, and where I see improvement more consistently, but I do have aesthetic goals. This is tricky because I don't want to slide into hating my body or say I'm

A failure if it doesn't look a certain way. But at the same time, I love the way *I* feel when I see the strength I'm building reflect externally. It's a very slippery thing. 

-I want abs. I do. I don't know what that looks like exactly or how long it'll take, I just want it. I do know I'm not gonna stop living my life to achieve them. I'm going to eat a slice of cake on birthdays, I'm gonna have Pizza Hut once in awhile. So fitness competitions are not likely in my future. Haha! I think bottom line, I want my jeans to fit comfortably without muffin top. By the end of September. I feel like four months is a fair goal for that. 

-I want my arms and back toned. This is hard to define too, but I want them to look strong even when I'm not flexing-and really nice definition when I am. And eliminate bra rolls.  Ha! 

So what is the five week Birthday goal?  It's so hard because I'm trying to rebuild from a really hard time, but here it is. I have a pair of Capri pants and a pair of shorts that I was wearing comfortably 3 years ago at my fittest, and I'd really like them to fit comfortably by my birthday. I was almost there before I fell apart, so it should be possible 😜 I just took a "starting" picture, and it really couldn't be worse, because I'm in the middle of my period and this weekend included pizza, ice cream, and cupcakes. So,   Scott is on notice that the sugar is gone and pizza is a non option for awhile - not forever because imma live my life- and I'm on track with meal and workout plans. I'm hoping to make time for short updates regularly here over the next five weeks and beyond, both for whoever is reading this and for myself to look back on. Because I'm feeling more determined than ever to meet these short-mid term goals so I can start pursuing my RYT 200 as soon as I can. 

So HOW am I gonna do all this? Well

I've tweaked my food plan to put high quality carbs right before and after my workouts, and lots of good fats and protein, and very little else. Every meal is planned, leaving no room for winging it, but every meal is also delicious and satisfying. 

And for workouts, I'm using Jillian Michaels new app, as well as the Peloton cycle app, the Fitstar Yoga app, and MapMyWalk. I'm going to be giving all I have without overtraining- like Jillian says, 6h a week of training, and no more- but walks and generally being active don't count. I'm really hoping to check in as often as I can with little successes and victories! 

Btw, this is my journey so far, and my reminder that I've come a long way inside and out. 

Catharsis 4/3

I'm so sad not to be nursing anymore. I waited so long for my "baby years" and they were over painfully quickly. I want another baby with all my heart. As much as I wanted Lexi for ten years. It's like a new form of infertility. I want another baby, I have the love to give, I love being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, all of it. But I'm not well mentally, and I know that two babies with a mama is better than three with no mama. That's devastating. I'm too broken in the head to do this thing that's so beautiful and powerful and fulfilling and that so many people take for granted. I cry over it almost daily. My womb feels hollow. 

Monday morning

The baby is fussing in his crib. I feel my daughter beside me. I'm so tired. I feel the fear, so familiar, pricking at the edges of my barely conscious mind. I need to wake up. Eyes open, rolling over. She says, "it's ok, Mama, I'll cheer him while you wake up." 

"Ok Baby, thank you." What time is it? 9:27. Text messages-stab of fear. My mom has sent us a link to some John piper thing. About hoping in God. I feel a wall go up. She says because she loves us (me) and we (I) matter. I want to believe that. I don't want to throw up a wall. I start reading and scan a bit. Maybe it won't be so bad,Ron make it worse. Maybe it will help? Maybe. I head to the bathroom. Great, first day of my period. So much for the goal day measurements and check in I had planned. I look at my bloated abdomen and feel hopeless and discouraged. I get the kids from the baby's crib, shower kisses and change a diaper, she exchanges pull up for panties. I tell them I'm going to take a shower (I never shower when they are awake, but-I matter, right? And I haven't showered in well over a week.) and I do. I pray in the shower, but then the thoughts of pain, rejection, and being ignored by a loved one come flooding in. Then the anxiety thoughts that can easily turn to paralyzing fear. No. I breathe deeply and turn off the water. I turn my mind to the possibilities and dreams ahead. To the fitness goals I want to pursue, to creativity, to life beyond this pain. I want to be beyond this pain. 10:04. Get dressed. Workout clothes, all pink. Tank says: "Get your mind right". Yup, trying to. Hair starting to dry tumbles almost to my waist in a cloud of messy curls. No product to tame it today. I should really shave my legs if I'm gonna wear capris. 

"Bub, wanna go downstairs and eat?"

"yeah."

I hold his hand as he slowly makes his way down. 

Pour coffee and put in microwave. Banana for him. I let him carry it to his chair and as I wipe his tray, still dirty from last night, he opens it and starts eating. I laugh from my belly-I didn't know he knew how! In his chair, he eats, while I measure b12 liquid. I am holding it in my mouth when I hear "Zoom zoooooom zoooom!" Coming down the stairs. "MAMA I CAN PLEASE HAVE BERRY JUICE WITH A STRAW?!?!" Get her breakfast, take b12 and omegas. Make tea. Pour coffee. Stare into space because here come those fears again. You need to write. Maybe therapy would help. But I'm scared of so many things and I don't want to be pushed too hard. I just want compassion. I want to be heard and someone tell me my feelings matter and I do deserve better. That though the fear seems real, it can be overcome. That danger isn't looming constantly and I can be free to live. That I am loved. Scott tells me, and he's just amazing, but this is too much for him to have to carry. He sees me suffering and he wants to make it better, but he feels helpless and I feel like I'm failing him. Ok. Enough thinking. What are you gonna do today? 11:04 AM.

Mission:April

This month-maybe longer, if it helps- I am going to write more. I'm going to share. I'm going to be as transparent as I can without letting myself dwell on things that aren't healthy and without calling anyone out or being passive aggressive-because that's not what this is about. It's about being a voice. For myself, which is actually difficult for me because I fear rejection (after all, I've been rejected a LOT in my life so far), but also a voice for others who are struggling with anxiety and depression, and the way that life piles on top of that and makes it feel insurmountable. 

I'm exploring options to help me heal, and maybe-hopefully-I'll have some good things to share on that front as time goes on. Only one thing is clear though, I MUST FIGHT. 

A New Treatment Plan

These products are the newest step and effort in my treatment of and recovery from PPDA. I've done lots of reading, and found that deficiencies in B12 and general inflammation (helped to heal by high potency EPA and the right probiotics) can cause or exacerbate mental health issues. 

So here's the plan: 

Morning/breakfast: 1 tsp B12/1 Tbsp Omega Swirl (plus other supplements I normally take)

Between Breakfast and lunch: probiotic

Lunch: (after week 1) Omega Swirl (plus normal supplements) 

Dinner (normal supplements)

Bedtime: magnesium drink

I'm also transitioning my fitness regimen to be more yoga focused even as I pursue building strength and endurance with Jillian and cycle- I need the mind/body connection and all the mental health balancing effects of my favorite workout. 

I'm really hoping to see some improvements in the next 2-6 weeks, and eventually, when I'm better, I can reduce the omegas to a maintenance dose. 

I've realized recently that my body has been through a LOT hormonally in the last almost six years. Just to start, I have PCOS, which, even though I have learned to manage it well, keeps my hormones all kinds of whacked out, as evidenced by the fact that I ALWAYS have more facial hair than most teenage boys, I've never had a menstrual cycle less than 36 days, and anxiety and depression have been my companions to some degree as long as I can remember. 

Then, this has been the past 6 years: 

January-august 2011--- charting and TTC naturally 

Sept 2011: progesterone and month one Clomid

October 2011: progesterone and double the dose clomid- Lexi conceived! YAY 

Oct 2011-July 2012: pregnant with Lexi

July 2012-November 2013-Nursing Lexi 

December 2013-January 2014 nursing lexi AND Pregnant with September Baby

January 2014: lost September Baby, kept nursing lexi till late February 

February 2014: weaned lexi 

April 2014: month 1 clomid 

May/ June 2014: month 2 clomid- Declan Concieved YAY

June 2014-Feb 2015- pregnant with Declan 

March 2015-December 2016-nursing Declan and PPDA 

December 2016: weaned Declan Still have PCOS

Now, obviously that's not the biggest hormonal roller coaster anyone has ever ridden, but it's really taken a lot out of me, and seeing all that mapped out has given me some perspective on what it might take to heal.

*BTW: I chose the Barleans Omega Swirl for two reasons: the taste (like a smoothie!) and the 910mg EPA per serving. 

Fitness update

Oh my stars it's been so long since I've blogged about fitness. I barely know where to begin. 

Let's start here. I've broken up with the scale. Part of this is because I have a new scale, and my old one is the one I used for my entire journey up till it broke shortly after D was born, and was therefore a consistent measure for what it was worth, which was not as much as other measures. But then it broke and we didn't replace it till last May. So we have problems-one, there is a huge gap in time, so it's not like I stepped on one scale and it gave me data and then the other and it gave me data to compare and account for a discrepancy. So the second problem is from that-how do I know how much weight I lost in the year between weighing myself? According to the new scale- NOTHING-in a a year. Seriously, I weighed in at 181 a few weeks postpartum and when we got the new scale it said I weighed 181. So. I do know I had lost about a pant size (which was very unsatisfactory but it was what it was.) now, as of the last time I weighed, (a week or so ago-just to see) I had lost TEN lbs-in Ten months. Aaaaaaargh! But here's the thing: I've gone down from a 10 to almost a 4 in jeans in that time. And again, I don't know the discrepancy between scales. Maybe when the old scale said I weighed 161 this one would have said 171- the scale at my Dr always read 10lbs different, so it's possible. The last time I was wearing these jeans (3 years ago) I weighed about 156. Super close to my lowest ever. So, yeah, I got nothing.

I'm definitely gaining muscle definition and strength which is awesome. My belly still drives me bananas but that's possibly not ever going to change. Haha! My mental health stuff (another post I'm to exhausted to even contemplate but need to) is wearing me out but I'm fighting for consistency-first in sleep and fitness at the same time, then working getting up early and adding daily house work back in. Fitness and sleep are The essential building blocks. 

This month I'm doing the same thing I did in March 2014, alternating a heavy strength day with a yoga day, and getting on my bike (using the Peloton app) T/Th/Sa. In April I'll probably keep the same formula but change the workouts. More on that when I decide. 

Here's some pics of where I'm at now. 

As you can see, I'm further towards #ropesngunsnabs than I'm giving myself credit for.  Side by side progress pics coming early April! 

Duckling turns two.

Declan, D-Zilla, D, D Monster, Bub, Bubby, Bubster, my Baby Duck. I can't believe you're two-I kinda don't want to. You're not a baby anymore, and that is both heartbreakingly sad, and very exciting to me. You're probably my last baby, biologically, anyway, and so, admitting you're a full on toddler and boy, is the end of the sweetest season I've known, and one I waited for so long, it's really hard to see it end so quickly. 

You're still little, though, and you still need your "Mama Mama!" For quite a bit. I've definitely babied you more than Lexi in some ways, but that's okay. You're my sweet boy-made of sweetness, love, and serendipity. You surprise me every day. You're a boy of few words but a great communicator even so. You fill my day with smiles and laughter and, if I pay attention, just...magic. You are magic. It's in your sparkling eyes, your whispers, your arm around me like you're gonna take care of me-a little man. You're the most empathetic lil dude-if I am sitting quietly, or resting my head on my hand-if I seem even a bit unhappy-you notice immediately and come over to console me with a hug and a gentle "Heeeeyyyyy..." Oh, my Sweet One, never lose that tenderness. It's beautiful and rare in a man.

You're equally protective and kind to your sister if she is sad or hurt. Oh how you love "Sis!"  You squeal with joy if you hear her coming, you cover her in hugs and kisses, and you play like the best of friends. You're starting to stand up to her too, which is fantastic. Lexi is a very strong personality, and though you are very laid back, lately, you know how to draw a line. Thankfully, even when she frustrates you, you're very quick to forgive. You want to be where she is and do what she does as much as you can. 

You love to read. I think if I could sit in our chair and read you board books all day, you'd just be in heaven. You love Boynton books, little blue truck, and your Barney book the best. 

Lexi has been doing school almost all your life, and recently you've been itching to participate, so I've started giving you a coloring sheet and a little one in one focus while she does her writing each morning. It's only been a few days so far, but I already treasure those moments and the excitement you have to color and learn. 

You also love to dance. Laurie Berkner, hand Clap, and uptown funk really get you moving! It's adorable the way you ask us for music by pointing to the Amazon Echo. 

Declan, you are more than I ever dreamed, and I'm so thankful God gave me you, my sweet, tender hearted, playful child. Happy Birthday, Darling Duckling. 🐥