Loneliness and friendships missed

Sometimes I feel lonely. Not nearly as often as I used to, but sometimes. Often it's brought on by missing someone I haven't seen in a long time or who is far away. Lately it's been from missing a particular friend. She has meant and continues to mean so much to me, though its been about 12 years since we were close. Our lives diverged for awhile, but we've stayed...distantly in touch. Recently our lives have become more parallel, and we started interacting more online, and I became hungry to rekindle the closeness we once had. I'm a very emotional person, and passionate. Because of this I often hesitate to express things like wanting to be closer to this friend. What if she feels her life is full enough? (I do know she has a lot going on.) what if there just isn't a place for me anymore? Should I let these what if's stop me? I mean, what if she needs me and misses me too?

Ride that wave!

So today has been, overall, a great day. I had a great morning with Lexi, had a great workout while she napped, spent a little more special time with her, and got dinner made early since I have cycle tonight. Lexi is down for a second nap, and I'm dealing with the fallout of the only negative part of the day. Scott and I had to have a conversation and make a hard choice. I don't like the position we are in having to make this choice, and really neither answer would have been a complete win, but we have made our decision. I feel relief and also anxiety. Anxiety about a lot of things, mostly unrelated to the issue today. I get like this sometimes. :-/ tonight's cycle class should help a lot to work off some stress.

Days like today

Make me feel like I can do anything. I was bummed at not working out yesterday, so I did yesterday's workout, today's workout, and cycle class this evening. I didn't do amazingly in cycle, but I finished. I have had a shower and worked my muscles over with the tiger tail, and I think that'll be a good start toward recovery. Tomorrow is all about active recovery.

Why I joined the gym in the first place.

I am a self motivated person. This is a two edged sword. It means I can be incredibly driven, but it also means I can't be motivated or coerced into doing something I don't really want to do and that the excuses in my head sometimes win.
My fall 2011 routine of going to the gym 5x a week was awesome. I'm looking forward to resuming it when the time is right. For now, though, I've gotta do about half the work here at home. I'm having a little trouble the past week getting started in the morning. Lexi is beginning to develop a schedule, and that's great! I got up and ate breakfast on time today, and that was great. What should have happened 45 min (max) later was my first workout of the day, but it didn't. :-( now it's seriously time for Lexi to wake up, and I've had a nice couple hours reading. Hrmph. Gotta push myself harder!

I guess so!

In answer to my last post: I've lost one of those inches off each place already! I've still got 5 weeks so I'm gonna shoot for another 2 inches each still and be thrilled if I reach my original goal!

Short term goal

I want to have a 30 inch waist and 40 inch hips by my friend Allison's wedding. 5 weeks, 2 inches off of each. Can I do it?

What a roller coaster

This week Has been crazy. Easter was a huge and amazing family get together with most of the Breakall family together. Then Jack the cat-Breakall family pet of almost 11 years- was killed that night. Lexi is officially crawling, saying her first word ("Hi" while waving) , constantly trying to stand up on her own and by pulling up, has gotten her first tooth, is about to cut her second, we've heard sad things and happy things, and today is the first anniversary of my grandpa's passing. Such a roller coaster.
What I really wanna write about today , however, is Cycle class. This week I've gone twice, and tomorrow is the third time. Tuesday was rough. I knew it would be. I mean, 14 months with no cycle, and then jumping in to a full effort 60 min ride? I was able to keep up with about 50% of Bob's cues. About halfway through, I had to run to the bathroom. Jillian Michaels would be proud. ;-) the part I'm actually proud of? I went back in and finished that ride. Then last night, knowing I won't get stronger unless I stick to it, I went back. I didn't really expect much from myself, considering Tuesday's performance and the fact I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but I really surprised myself! I kept up with about 75% of bob's cues and felt great doing it! I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow morning and seeing Kathi and having another great ride!

sunbeams and Dark places

I'm not gonna lie. I'm in a dark place. I'm blue. I'm struggling, I'm discouraged. I hate every picture taken of me. Most make me want to cry. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I feel like the only way out is a choice I can't make. I can't choose my own happiness and whatever else over what I know is healthiest for my daughter. This isn't a case of "oh just learn to love your body". I know and accept and even embrace the changes in my body that come from becoming a mom. I know I'll never look like I did when I was 16- I don't want to! What I want is to not have a fat face and a double chin from every angle. In every picture. I'd just like my belly to pooch out a bit less. I have no stretch marks, those I could embrace because they wouldn't be constantly on display. I might sound vain to some of you, but mostly this is about more than that. It's about being my best and still achieving things and bettering myself even though I'm a mama. It's so hard to explain.