sunbeams and Dark places

I'm not gonna lie. I'm in a dark place. I'm blue. I'm struggling, I'm discouraged. I hate every picture taken of me. Most make me want to cry. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I feel like the only way out is a choice I can't make. I can't choose my own happiness and whatever else over what I know is healthiest for my daughter. This isn't a case of "oh just learn to love your body". I know and accept and even embrace the changes in my body that come from becoming a mom. I know I'll never look like I did when I was 16- I don't want to! What I want is to not have a fat face and a double chin from every angle. In every picture. I'd just like my belly to pooch out a bit less. I have no stretch marks, those I could embrace because they wouldn't be constantly on display. I might sound vain to some of you, but mostly this is about more than that. It's about being my best and still achieving things and bettering myself even though I'm a mama. It's so hard to explain.