Finding improvement where I've had it

So, I'm on my last rest day of this round of JMBR. I'm resting, drinking water, various teas, and good clean foods. I'm still feeling very frustrated because pants are not getting any looser yet, and I'm not looking likely at all to reach the milestone goal I had set for 12 days from now (size 8 skinnies). I'm trying to accept that, but I still feel like there has to be a key to this that I'm missing. 

I'm getting more sleep overall in the past few weeks than I have since before we met our boy, so if it's sleep I need, that's as resolved as its gonna be for awhile. Declan wakes up usually only once (around 4am) to nurse, and then I offer again when I get up at 6. I can't eat any better than I am, and I can't imagine I'm eating too little, because I'm being very intentional about getting 2000 calories (net) each day. 

Side note: when Lexi was 13/14 mos and I started back on my fitness journey, I lost weight at 1600 calories net to start. She was on solids, and therefore not needing as much milk, I assume. But 400 calories is almost a pound a week difference worth of calories. Is it possible 2000 is too many calories? I don't always hit that 2000 on heavy workout days...I just don't know what to do. If I knew what to do, (eat more, less, drink more water...) I know I'd have the discipline to do it. I hate to think the answer is that nothing is gonna happen till Declan is fully on solids...who knows when that'll be? 

There's been major improvement in some areas, unrelated to my size though. I need to celebrate that, while I just keep trucking and nursing. 

-I have met every one of my planned  goals for what I'd be doing for exercise postpartum. I made this plan when I was first pregnant with Declan. I started JMBR when D was 12 weeks old, and added Cycle 2 weeks later! 

-I have, in the last 8 weeks or so, gone from being able to do 2 military style push ups at a time to 25. Tomorrow I'll be doing 3 sets of 25 on top of the 80 or so various push ups in my JMBR workout. 

-I've improved in cycle class. This is hard to quantify, because every class is different and every bike I'm on affects the ride. But I've definitely built up endurance and strength. 

-I have stuck through some hard times and missed no workouts except due to injury or surgery. That takes grit when you are getting nowhere on your external goals. 

-my mental toughness is incredible. I catch myself coaching myself to push through stuff the old me would just give out on. 

-I can do a 60 second plank like its nothin. Working toward a 5 min plank. 

6 more

That's how many workouts I have left in this round of JMBR. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I feel proud, because I've stuck with it, and other than injury, vacation, and surgery, I've kept progressing every 2 weeks as prescribed. I am, and should be, really proud of that. On the other hand, these workouts are still really tough, and even by the end of next week, I will be far from having mastered them. So it feels like less of an accomplishment than the finish I had thanksgiving 2013. I have to remind myself though, that I was 16 months pp then, not 6. Those ten months make a huge difference! Heck, by that point this time around, I can't imagine the level of fitness I'll have. 

I'm really wrestling with two things right now. One is the lack of measurable external results that I've been ranting about. I'm hoping that by 10/5 when I take my post BR measurements and pictures (which will also serve as my BodyShred before pics and stats) I'll see some difference. I have 1.5 weeks of BR and an active recovery week before then, so, I'm trying to have some hope. I'm not feeling like it's super likely that those size 8 skinnies will fit, but I'm hoping that they will button and zip without too much....spillage. If I have gotten that far, I might be able to still hit my next goal of getting comfy in my 6's by Christmas. The other thing that's bugging me is something g I've written about before but feels extra real to me now, 2.5 weeks away-how am I going to be able to do BodyShred? All I've read and heard is that it's brutal and way harder than BR. I'm on the last level of BR and it's taking me close to an hour to get thru a 35 min workout. I am determined to do this, but how do I get in the headspace of not feeling a failure for struggling through it, especially this first round? I am starting it again in February, and hopefully that round will be full of badassery, but man, I'm scared of this first round. 

First things first, though. Time for workout 11 and moving on with my day. Rar.

Venting again

I'm So frustrated and discouraged. I've been at this consistently for 4 months (minus the week after my surgery and the week we were on vacation which was a planned recovery week) and I'm barely any smaller.  Yes, I'm far stronger, my muscles are more defined, etc, but is it so wrong to have wanted to lose a pant size or two? Blargh!

We are really working at eating clean and I'm being better about logging my food since we have been home. Hoping less grains (except brown rice and oats) will help me with inflammation. Also eating lots of veggies. 

I hate not having much control over this situation. I have to just work and be consistent and trust that *someday* there will be a payoff. I really hope it doesn't take till Declan is a year old and fully on solids to start seeing results. I have some goals set for that time period, and if like to reach them! 

Recently some folks I considered to be  close friends, folks who have shown me support at other times when needed, and folks we have supported and encouraged, gave me some criticism that hurt deeply. They told me that my fitness goals, and their priority in my life were causing me to miss out on my children. They called me vain and self pitying. They said other things I don't remember because I'm trying to forget. When peoe give me criticism, especially when they are people who supposedly care about me, I take it very seriously and chew it over to find any truth that might be there. This time, though, I'm finding none, and that makes it hurt more. I tried to explain the connection between my feelings about my weight and my PPD, how I'm trying to grasp control of this thing, so at least one thing in my life would be working. That didn't matter-the last word was that I was feeling sorry for myself and I'm not really depressed. It's left me feeling very lonely, defensive and self conscious, if ever I post on fb about my weight or depression, because, while I'm trying to be open so others feel less alone on their journeys, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement, even from folks who are supposed to be my friends. That's really tough. 

The depression and anxiety have been a big struggle the past few days, and this weight frustration is only magnifying that. I don't know what to do about it, except, get as much sleep as I can, push hard in my workouts and eat healthy yummy stuff. 

To My Sweet Duckling at Six Months

Declan, 

You are lying next to me in bed right now, chewing on your toes and smiling. It seems you're always smiling, and in those rare times you aren't, I know the storm won't last but a moment and there's a rainbow just around the corner. 

I can't believe you're six months old already, that half of your first year has flown by so quickly. It's been entirely different than I expected, filled with challenges to my physical, mental, and emotional strength, but God knew what He was doing when he paired us up. Anytime I have felt like I'm just not enough, I have been reminded by your smile and the love in your eyes that I'm more than enough-to you I'm everything. 

This time a year ago I didn't know you were a boy-I desperately wanted another girl-but the second I found out you were, I began dreaming of a blue eyed redhead who I'd snuggle and nurse and learn so much from loving. You've fulfilled and surpassed those dreams in unexpected ways. You teach me every day about the blessing of experiencing mamahood fresh and new without comparison, because you and your sister could not be more different, and that isn't a bad thing. Where she was eager and outgoing, you are relaxed and shy. Where she wanted to explore, you're taking your time. 

You definitely have personality! You have a sweet and ready smile, a laugh we hear more every day, a particular way of letting us know you want attention (enough with the fake wheezing, Kid!), an aversion to hard work (tummy time has been a battle we've fought side by side), and yes, a temper to match that hair. 

You love your sister, like I always knew you would, though sometimes she overwhelms you with the exuberance she bathes you in. It makes me feel so gratified to see you two together, smiling and laughing. 

You love bath time and kicking your legs, and I'm looking forward to you discovering more and more in the world that excites you. 

You are your own man, Declan, and I'm more than okay with that. You've taught me, and are teaching me daily, that life is not a checklist, we are not defined by the rate at which we achieve, and that we can thrive exactly as God made us. You give me courage, and joy to tackle my challenges, and peace to enjoy the moments. 

Like this one, right now, where you reached for my hand, because you like me close by when you drift off. I love you, my beautiful, singular, loving, wonderful six month old. 

Can I do this?

I had a "moment" during my workout this morning. It was my first post-vacation/post-injury JMBR workout and it was intense. Lots of jump lunges, jump squats, half moons, just tough! About halfway through I thought "and I'm starting BodyShred in less that five weeks? There's no way I can do this!" But then I thought to myself-"why not? There's no rule book that says you can't catch your breath, can't modify. You modify right now when you need to, don't psych yourself out and sell yourself short. You've come a long way in the past few months, from 3 push-ups at a time to 18, from no squats to jump squats. You can do this, and your performance will only improve!" 

It was a tough workout, but if it was easy it would be pointless. I don't want the results brought by doing what's comfortable, I want the insane results from pushing way beyond what feels doable. With strict respect for my body and where it is now of course-no injuries please. Tonight is spin (after 2 weeks off) and tomorrow is recovery so I can hit it hard again the rest of the week. I'm so excited to see how strong (and, if I'm honest, how much smaller) I'll be by Christmas!