Venting again

I'm So frustrated and discouraged. I've been at this consistently for 4 months (minus the week after my surgery and the week we were on vacation which was a planned recovery week) and I'm barely any smaller.  Yes, I'm far stronger, my muscles are more defined, etc, but is it so wrong to have wanted to lose a pant size or two? Blargh!

We are really working at eating clean and I'm being better about logging my food since we have been home. Hoping less grains (except brown rice and oats) will help me with inflammation. Also eating lots of veggies. 

I hate not having much control over this situation. I have to just work and be consistent and trust that *someday* there will be a payoff. I really hope it doesn't take till Declan is a year old and fully on solids to start seeing results. I have some goals set for that time period, and if like to reach them! 

Recently some folks I considered to be  close friends, folks who have shown me support at other times when needed, and folks we have supported and encouraged, gave me some criticism that hurt deeply. They told me that my fitness goals, and their priority in my life were causing me to miss out on my children. They called me vain and self pitying. They said other things I don't remember because I'm trying to forget. When peoe give me criticism, especially when they are people who supposedly care about me, I take it very seriously and chew it over to find any truth that might be there. This time, though, I'm finding none, and that makes it hurt more. I tried to explain the connection between my feelings about my weight and my PPD, how I'm trying to grasp control of this thing, so at least one thing in my life would be working. That didn't matter-the last word was that I was feeling sorry for myself and I'm not really depressed. It's left me feeling very lonely, defensive and self conscious, if ever I post on fb about my weight or depression, because, while I'm trying to be open so others feel less alone on their journeys, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement, even from folks who are supposed to be my friends. That's really tough. 

The depression and anxiety have been a big struggle the past few days, and this weight frustration is only magnifying that. I don't know what to do about it, except, get as much sleep as I can, push hard in my workouts and eat healthy yummy stuff. 

Can I do this?

I had a "moment" during my workout this morning. It was my first post-vacation/post-injury JMBR workout and it was intense. Lots of jump lunges, jump squats, half moons, just tough! About halfway through I thought "and I'm starting BodyShred in less that five weeks? There's no way I can do this!" But then I thought to myself-"why not? There's no rule book that says you can't catch your breath, can't modify. You modify right now when you need to, don't psych yourself out and sell yourself short. You've come a long way in the past few months, from 3 push-ups at a time to 18, from no squats to jump squats. You can do this, and your performance will only improve!" 

It was a tough workout, but if it was easy it would be pointless. I don't want the results brought by doing what's comfortable, I want the insane results from pushing way beyond what feels doable. With strict respect for my body and where it is now of course-no injuries please. Tonight is spin (after 2 weeks off) and tomorrow is recovery so I can hit it hard again the rest of the week. I'm so excited to see how strong (and, if I'm honest, how much smaller) I'll be by Christmas! 

thursday wrap up.

day 2 is always really hard. i was kinda prepared for this, but it was still a really hard day. i woke up at 630 am and made breakfast. at about 8 i started my first workout. it was the Kickboxing/booty/core workout and it took me about 40 min with all the breaks, which was fine since it was my first time all the way though it. as with the other kickboxing workout i'd tried, it was pretty strenuous, but in a really good way. i didn't get in all the reps on everything, but i really enjoyed it and felt like it will be a good addition to my program. i took a break, then launched into my circuit. i got through it okay physically, but the whole time and right after i was struggling emotionally. i made note of some of my thoughts:

- i do not want to work out anymore.
-looking in the mirror to check my form is so depressing. all i can see is all the fat in my face and flopping around at my middle.
-i start to feel like i'm getting somewhere (with weight loss) and then i see all this excess fat and i feel so very discouraged.

Then, as i got in the shower, i started to try to get some realistic perspective on it all- having been through this all before, i reminded myself of how my body works.

-i am going to be swollen and bloated for possibly up to 2 weeks. i must think longer term and know that if i stick with this, the weight and inches will come off.

- when i want to take a day off or give up i must work out anyway- even a smaller amount of exercise on a consistent basis will have more benefits and effects than large amounts of exercise less consistently.

-i need to take this one day at a time, one workout at a time.

i showered, shaved my legs, and spent the afternoon at the pool. when i got home and changed, i ate a snack, settled down to read, and fell asleep. later, i had a nice evening with scott, and went to bed at a decent time. one day at a time.