Setbacks and sidelines

I  haven't worked out since November 22. Its December 2. I'm so unhappy about that, but it's not been for lack of drive or desire. It's been entirely not my choice. 

See, on the evening of 11/21, the first day of my holiday fitness plan, I was eating chili, and I guess there was a bone fragment in the meat, because I broke a huge chunk of my tooth off. I barely slept that night due to anxiety over whether it would turn painful, whether I'd lose the tooth... it was rough. To ease my mind, Scott took me to the dentist Tuesday morning. She looked at it and said I'd need a root canal and crown, unless we discovered a deeper crack, in which case she'd pull the tooth. I came home and tried to rest, but I was too anxious. I did crank out that day's strength workout and an interval ride on my bike. 

Then Wednesday morning I woke up with my anxiety manifesting physically in aches, a sore throat, and feeling feverish. I had no fever, and no real symptoms-this just happens once in awhile when I'm really depleted and anxious. It lasted through Thanksgiving, the whole weekend, and Monday, though it was milder. 

Tuesday morning I went in to have my root canal praying that this was the end of this and that in two weeks when my permanent crown came, it'd all be over and I'd keep my tooth and be back to working out on Thursday. But, the worst case scenario played out, as the root canal showed a crack in my tooth down to the root. The tooth had to come out. But it didn't want to. It took the dentist 30 minutes to get it out, and by the time she was stitching me up, the numbing was wearing off. By the time I got my meds in hand I was hurting pretty badly. I continued to hurt some of the worst I ever have in my life until 10 pm when suddenly the painkiller cocktail started going it's job and I was able to sleep. Wednesday morning I took my painkillers and immediately felt sick, and lost my breakfast around noon. I spent the rest of the day trying to refuel and sleep that off while managing the pain without that medication. Thursday was better pain wise with only ibuprofen but I had a terrible headache and felt very weak even when the mouth pain was managed. 

Today Scott has gone to work, at least for the morning, and I'm trying my best to not call him to come home. I'm much the same as yesterday with the headache and weakness and dizzy. I'm frustrated because I want to feel good and start back to working out, but it's not gonna be today. I drank a few sips of coffee and set it aside. 

As tough and discouraging as this has been, I am thankful for many things. I'm thankful that it wasn't such an emergency that I had to have the tooth out immediately and lose my last week of nursing Declan. I'm thankful that Scott was home last week while my anxiety was making me feel sick. I'm thankful that he's been able to be home and care for me and the kids as I've recovered. I'm the that I don't even have to think about the implant process until at least February and I can focus on healing and Bodyshred in the meantime and use my post implant time as post Bodyshred recovery in February/March. 

I'm hoping for at least a walk or easy bike ride and/or the Amazon Echo 7 min workout today, and maybe some strength and a walk tomorrow, to get me back on track to be working out again for real on Monday. I'll start my supplements then, and restart the MommyTrainer challenge. Then I'll to two weeks of the Model body Challenge before our trip, during which I'll do a simple body weight circuit and walk as able. 

I've been sidelined, but I won't let it derail me  or keep me from my goals. 

31 Weeks!

That's how far it is between this day and my goal date for my BIG goal. My big goal isn't size or weight based. It's not getting back to Pre-Baby body (I'm fitter and smaller than I ever was before Lexi, and almost where I was before Declan in size, though not weight.) It's not to be skinny for my sister's wedding-or to be "skinny" ever. 

I. WANT. ABS. 

So, my big goal has been, for a long time, Abs by my 35th Birthday. Which is thirty one weeks from today. I think it's in reach. I'm likely not gonna have Jillian's low body fat type abs, but  I can still have them visible. 

The HOW: 

-this holiday season I'm doing the Mommy Trainer 15 day challenge (adjusted to fit my workout schedule) and the Model Body 15 day challenge (again adjusting for my schedule). 

-I'll also be adding a few supplements to help me get all I can out of these workouts. 

-I've mapped out a formula to keep my food on point. I don't believe in depriving myself, but instead, I make "treat food" part of the plan. This includes allowing one "off road" meal or sometimes DAY a week. This keeps me from feeling deprived without negatively affecting results. 

-starting 1/2/17 I'll be doing another round of BodyShred, and hopefully that will help me round out the portion of my journey focusing on fat loss. 

-after Bodyshred I'll take a yoga recovery week, then do a few weeks of Master Trainer workouts, and hopefully...

-at that point I'll be able to shift focus to yoga, and keep HIIT/weight training in the schedule twice a week, and keep up my cycle schedule. It'll look like this:

 M/W/F : 45-60 min yoga, walk or light cardio 

T/Th: 45-60m HIIT workout, 60min cycle

Sa: 20 min cycle intervals

Hopefully that new schedule works to help me reach my goals of muscular arms and abs and maintain my fat loss. I'll probably throw in a round of Bodyshred every few months to mix it up too. 

Updates, goals reached, challenges.

 

I finished Bodyshred on November 11, and it felt so good, but also kind of anticlimactic, and I'm not sure why. I never really expected to finish it able to do everything the workout asked of me, and I am proud that I fought through that last week, when the workouts were so hard it felt like I was modifying more than actually following the moves. Or maybe it was because my sister was getting engaged in two days, and that was consuming my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it was because I felt like my body wasn't really changing, despite my giving everything I had. 

Except it was, and is. My body did the ridiculous swelling thing it does through most of the program, and it was difficult to see any exterior payoff to all my hard work. On the Friday before my last week of Bodyshred, my size 8 jeans were feeling incredibly tight and I thought, this better come off when I get a little chance to recover. Well, the next Thursday, I felt kinda skinny, and decided to see what I weighed. The scale had faithfully claimed since Declan was 2 weeks old that I weighed 182 (or more, some days!) despite me losing pant sizes and working out like a beast. Not this day. This day it told me 174. Well good. I'll take that. Then, sometime that weekend, I tried on my size six jeans, and they slid right on and there was no muffin top. 

This past week was not intended to be a recovery week, but due to a perfect storm on my mental health affecting my physical health, it was, for the most part. That also gave me a chance to actually see the changes in my body. I saw another movement on the scale (171) and I tried on my size fours twice. The first time I just wanted to see how close I was to being able to button and zip-I didn't really think they'd come over my hips! They buttoned and zipped with little effort. The second time, yesterday, there was no muffin top. What is this world? They weren't comfortable, but they went on. So that gives me some fuel to think that maybe in the next 5 weeks of workouts I can make the difference between where I am now and "comfortable". Y'know, everyone's Holiday plan. Hahahaha! 

I'm starting the first of two challenges I've got on deck for the holidays today,  and I'm gonna record stats for once:

Weight: 171

Waist: 30

Hips: 40

Chest:40

Cage : 33

Thigh: 23

Calf:14

Bicep(not flexed): 11

I'm trying to prepare myself for the likelihood of swelling up again, at least a bit, but hopefully even our trip at Christmas won't jack up my results too much. 

This is (probably) our last week of nursing, which will get its own post, but this means next week I can start taking a pre workout and BCAA supplements! I'm excited about that and really hope there's a positive effect on my muscle building, workout performance, and overall energy. 

I'm a bit overtired today from a very emotional and mentally challenging week, and resulting lack of sleep, but I'm so excited for what's ahead. 

31 weeks! 

Comparison-to myself

I think we all struggle with comparing ourselves to others. It's natural, something in our DNA, to compete, probably a survival thing. But it sucks. It's not fair, and it's not productive outside a survival or competition (like for a sport or game show type thing) context. It saps our enjoyment of who we are and where we are, and who needs that? 

I used to compare myself appearance-wise to my little sister. I won't get into all the reasons that was dumb, but thankfully I've (mostly) slayed that dragon. I still compare myself to others and find myself wanting sometimes, but right now, the hurdle I'm finding in my way is comparing my current body to my own, at this point post Lexi, meaning when Lexi was 17, 18, 19, 20 months old. It's just not fair, because obviously everything is different now than it was then.

-I had one child, not two, and she was the easiest baby ever. She slept till ten am regularly and if she did wake before I was ready for her, she played happily in her crib until I came. Declan hates being in his crib, and on average wakes at 7:30. This is a HUGE difference, because it means that now, if I want to get my workout done before the kids are up I'll have to be up and moving by 545. I'm working toward that goal, but right now, instead of: get up at 5:45-eat/Jesus time-work out, my morning routine looks like: wake at 6:30, have Scott hold me till my anxiety lets me breathe or have calm rational thoughts (this varies, and some mornings isn't an issue), coffee/eat/Jesus time, Declan is up, nurse him, give him breakfast, Lexi is up, wrangle her to the table, do school while she eats, convince them both to go upstairs and play, do my workout with one ear inclined to make sure everything is ok upstairs and probably a few trips upstairs to referee. By the time I'm done it's somewhere around 11, and I'm physically and emotionally spent for the day already, because of the next HUGE difference between 19 month old Lexi's mama and 4 year old Lexi and 19 month old Declan's mama. 

-I did not have PPDA when Lexi was 19 mos. I didn't have it at all. I had a miscarriage on the day lexi was 18 mos old and it broke my heart, but I was in better mental health even after that than I am today. Even on good days (I think I'm on day 6 or 7 in a row now) I have to battle constantly to keep the triggers at arms length because I know I'm one thought away from paralyzing fear. My life is wonderful, I'm so happy with it, but I'm also always petrified of everything falling apart. 

My fitness is, along with protecting sleep and eating nutritive foods, my medicine. I need it, and I really do want to be able to get up early enough to get my main workout done before the kids are up, so we can have more time to play and less awkward safety fears for me. I'm making progress, but man! 

-I also finished weaning Lexi the day she turned 19 mos. Declan will be 20 mos in a week and is still nursing 3x a day. I'm fine with that, but I know it's also a factor in my metabolism.

-another factor is that our bodies and metabolisms change. Mine has always been challenging, and now I'm three years older, I've got chemical stuff going on with the ppda, and PCOS. It's not an excuse to give up or slack off, it's a reason to fight. And that's what I'm doing every single day. I'm fighting. 

You know what else? I'm not actually that far off from where I was then, I'm just hard on myself. I'm just about one size behind where I was then. I got my size four Capri pants when lexi was 20 mos and one week old-5 weeks after she weaned. So, if I'm still nursing 3x a day, that could be the factor. Plus, like I said, life is just different.

I've gotta be ok with that. I've gotta hike this part of the mountain and conquer it. Just because I can't get my size four skinny jeans over my hips today doesn't mean in two months I won't be able to button and zip them. I am mighty and an overcomer. And so are you. 

Ten.

Note: I was told about 7 years ago to stop marking this anniversary and "move on" by a couple people I consider close friends, and I was told the same only a couple months after our second loss by a family member. I realize that not everyone sees pregnancy loss as a big deal, or understands deep mourning for a child one has never met.  If you are one of those folks, this post isn't for you. I don't say that with hostility, I just don't want to waste your time. 

To my first baby: 

It was ten years ago this Sunday (October 9) that I said goodbye to you. Not just to you, but to the dreams I had of who you could be.  That was the day you were born, impossibly early, after a short labor that wrenched my heart as much as my body. I held you in my hand, knowing I'd never hold you in my arms.   I never got to know you, even whether you're a boy or girl, but despite the shortness of our time together- 

Sweet Little Baby, you changed me forever. Until your sister came along, nothing in my life had such an impact. Everything that followed your birth,  (because it was a birth-I labored 97 hours with your sister and brother, and your birth counts too.) whether it seemed good or bad at the time, happened because, for a brief time, you lived in me and I will never be the same. 

Without your birth I would never have instant messaged the author I discovered when I was pregnant with you and recovering from your loss, we never would have become friends, leading me to all sorts of new online pursuits to escape from the pain I couldn't handle. Without you, the friendship wouldn't have led to a job, to many new friendships-many of the people reading this wouldn't be, because podcasting wouldn't have become what it was to me. 

I wouldn't have almost lost your daddy to the mistakes that stemmed from unresolved grief-but you know what? Even that was a gift, because losing you, and all the ways it tore us apart was the catalyst for the ground up rebuilding of our marriage and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Little Baby, it hurt so bad, but it's created a new marriage- and better, more mature and united, understanding, forgiving, and spiritually united parents for your brother and sister. 

Losing you, and the way it broke us apart for awhile ended up preparing your daddy for when we lost September baby too. He knew what to do, and how to love me better, because he learned from you. 

Because of you, my first baby, I had hope. I knew my body could conceive, and so had something to give me courage while we waited. 

Because of you, I am more thankful. For your sister, from the moment I knew she was growing, for your daddy, who is servant leadership personified, for your brother, whose unpredictability is his charm. I don't take a single moment for granted, because I know the sadness of dreams dashed.

Because of you, I am more patient. I waited a long time for your sister, but more than that, I have a greater capacity for patience *with* her and Declan. I never got to love you like I wanted, and knowing that loss and all the years I waited after, keeps in perspective the gift of motherhood. 

Because of you I celebrate every moment of magic in motherhood, because it feels like such a gift, I can't take it for granted the way I may have if it had come easily. I let Lexi climb in bed and hold her a little while in the night when she wakes, partly because I'll never have that with you. I fought with all I had for a nursing relationship with Declan, and I'm letting him keep nursing even now, because it's a powerful and tender thing, and I'll only get to experience that intimacy for a short time, and I never did with you. 

The past ten years have been long and short and up and down, but I wouldn't trade them, or the short time I had with you. Lexi and Declan are my rainbow babies, and there can be no rainbow without the rain. I celebrate you, and the gift that you were, and are, and will always be. 

I miss you, though I never met you, but I know someday I will. 

Why I share, and some updates

Maybe you're a new friend of mine, or maybe an old friend who's just never clicked over here. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at my constant status updates about my fitness journey on FB. Regardless how you got here, welcome, and thank you!  

I share a lot about my fitness journey and my mental health challenges, and there are a few reasons why. Spoiler alert-none of them is because I'm bragging about how awesome I am! Hahahaha. Also not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Now we've covered the non-reasons, here are the actual reasons I share: 

-it's cathartic. I process things by talking about them. It helps me clarify my thoughts, and make sense of thing. It strengthens my resolve and solidifies my plans. 

-I want to have a reference point in the future. I blog so I can remember the journey, what worked, what didn't, and the timeline, in case I face the same challenges again. 

The biggest reason I share though, is because I want to encourage. I felt so alone for so long, like this (fitness, health, mental health) came easily to everyone else and I must be a failure and a loser. I've realized that's far from true, and so I'm on a mission to share-because maybe my journey, and my resolve to keep fighting for my goals will encourage someone else to also. We are in this together. 

So, all that said, here are some updates:

I had tried taking evening primrose oil after reading a lot about it helping with pms, anxiety, depression, and other PCOS symptoms. After about two weeks I stopped-three days ago- because though my period came only ten days late instead of 3-4 weeks, my anxiety and depression during those ten days and the following five days of my period were flat out unbearable. There's no way of knowing if the timing of my period or the mental health challenge spike was related to the EPO, it wasn't worth the risk that if I continued I'd get even worse off or even stay the same to see if maybe it regulated my period-something that should happen on its own as Declan weans. It was so miserable, y'all. 

***Side note, on 10/2 he will have nursed longer than Lexi did. I see little sign of him slowing down, though he doesn't need his before nap nurse, and maybe even the one after. We still do them, most days,because he doesn't turn me down, and the snuggles are so sweet. He  loves his morning milk though. Like with Lexi, I think that'll be the last to go, even after bedtime, because Scott puts him to bed anyway. ***

Due to the mental health challenges the past few weeks, I'm not where I want to be with my daily routine, particularly my level of exercise, so I'm revising my goals, without giving myself room to slack off.

I'm probably not going to be wearing my size 4's in another 6 weeks-considering somehow my 6's, that did fit before vacation, are muffin toppy again. That may be due to the hormonal cycle combined with the swelling from working out again after a couple weeks off, (which is why I really shouldn't take more than one week off, my body freaks out...), but regardless, I'm not 3/4 of a size away from those pants fitting. Revising this goal is hard, partly because I've had the date of 10/31 set in my head for so long, and partly because I don't really know what to expect from myself, what's reasonable. The last time I went from an 8 to a 4, it took me somewhere around 4-5 months, and I had a pregnancy and stopped nursing during that time. I had also started from a heavier place and maybe there was momentum? I don't really know. All I can really do is put my head down and grind hard, eat clean, and recover well. My meal planning is on track, sleep is getting better, and my workout intensity is good. I'm excited to start cycling 3x a week again, and even more excited to continue making my yoga practice a priority. Ultimately I'd like to be doing HIIT and cycle twice a week and yoga six times a week as my fitness routine, but for now, and until I reach some big goals, it's gotta be HIIT 4x, cycle 3x, yoga 6x. 

All that to say, I'm making a soft goal of thanksgiving for those jeans, and hopefully I'm just gonna enjoy the ride there. I'm just so ready to be done with the "weight loss" part of this journey and be able to focus more on performance and developing my yoga practice. Both those elements are definitely there now, but feeling good in clothes is a priority and a distraction. Having babies has changed my body, and I'm good with that-and let's be real, my pre-baby body was never as fit, healthy, and strong as this body I have now. However, I don't feel like it's wrong to want to drop some extra fluff-as long as I acknowledge and love the beauty that exists along the way. 

I have a tendency to be hyper aware of my belly and label myself "disgusting" because the flesh there is so...fleshy. I'm mostly ok with the rest of my body, though obviously I'm loving every muscle that pops more and every place that gets less smooshy. But my belly. Ugh. I'm working hard at patience and loving myself along the journey there. It's also the only place that extra bulk limits me during workouts-I can't bring knee to nose because my belly is in the way, range of motion is limited on other ab moves, how much further could I fold in standing forward fold? 

I am committed to positive self talk, not just for me, but for Lexi. Lately she's around when I'm working out (getting myself going in the morning is a challenge!) and I make sure to tell her that we work out because it makes us strong and mighty! I never mention wanting to be smaller or skinnier, only stronger. I want her to always love herself for exactly who she is and only strive to *be* better and healthier and stronger- I think my fitness journey stalled out for so long because I didn't get that. I was so focused on being "skinny" that I missed the beauty of strength and the things my body could do! I only really fell in love with my body and really embraced what it can do in September of 2011 when I started practicing yoga. Almost ten years of trying so hard to be thin came before that. It was great timing though, because 6 weeks later I got pregnant with Lexi, and I really fell in love with my body then! And I needed that foundation to begin the climb back, and to really discover the athlete inside me in 2013. I have struggled since then, off and on to re-focus myself, and the desire to be skinny pops up when I compare sometimes, but that's why my hashtag for this part of my journey is 

#ropesngunsnabs 

The Tide

I've finally realized that the best analogy for the fluidity of my mental/emotional state these days is the tide. It's cyclical overall (cuz it's hormonal, duh) and yet, a riptide (calm at the surface, treacherous below--caused by triggers, some predictable, some not ) is always possible, and tidal waves are a thing too. High tide is when I feel like I could drown (the past week or so) and am too tired but must keep fighting to stay afloat, and low tide is when I feel able to wiggle my toes, turn my face to the sun, and relax. And y'know what else is awesome about low tide? You see the treasures that high tide left behind. ☺️

Today I woke like I have for almost two weeks now, with an elephant on my chest and my stomach roiling. The difference is, that like yesterday, there were no fearful thoughts to match. The physical does still affect the emotional though. Yesterday was Wednesday and I didn't have to get up and moving immediately, so I lay in Scott's arms and chatted lightly until my body relaxed and I moved on with my day. It wasn't ideal, but my body is tired and has been through the wringer between PPDA, pms, and BodyShred lately so it's not surprising. Today, all the above is true, but I didn't have the time to lie in bed till I felt better, though I stole a few extra minutes. I'm moving more slowly through my morning routine than I'd like, repeating truths to myself to fend off any thoughts that might try to come- any riptide lurking below my calm waters. 

The kids are healthy. 

Lexi will learn to obey. 

You are doing a great job.

You will get better, healthier, physically and emotionally. 

You are worth the struggle.

You are worth loving. 

You feel this way because you are tired, but you are getting stronger and you will rest better for the work. 

It is low tide. The sun is rising. I'll feel it soon. I'm healing. One moment at a time He is renewing me. 

LMAL: Health

This chapter is totally in my wheelhouse-it almost feels like cheating to get to focus on it! Don't be too surprised if you see the next chapter of my experiment too, alongside this, since physical health is a huge focus of my life on the daily anyway. 

I've discovered that my physical well being and mental health are inextricably linked, that a workout is like a hit of Prozac-usually-and that tired turns into crazed with anxiety fairly easily. Add PMS/PMDD to the mix, keeping in mind that because of my PCOS, PMS can last *weeks*, and it's quite a handful to manage. So, yes, I must take care of my health, mental and physical, and the two are one. 

Personally, I find a ramp-up to a pace I can maintain serves me best and allows me to multiply my "spoons" (daily energy resources) over time. I build, slowly and carefully, (since overtired equals crazy and miserable) and push, while protecting recovery carefully, and when I get to the level of physical activity I want to be at, I can then increase intensity in specific areas, and the increased energy I get allows me to manage other areas of life better, like housework, getting the kids out to the park, etc. As my mental health improves, I hope to overcome some big obstacles, but for now I'm focusing on what's in front of me, right? 

My experiment: 

-workout is job 1 each day

-rest and recovery are equally important. 

-keep the day rolling as routine is built, rather than letting surprises derail the day. 

-be kind to myself with expectations. 

It's Thursday of the first week back from the beach, and I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things. Most of them good, a few a bit less so. 

First challenge: PMS induced crazy. My hormones are all in flux due to my body attempting to do what it should, and this has brought back the anxiety after my having a break from full on intense painful fear for most of the past two weeks or so, and I can feel the pressure building. Today I'll try to brainstorm some "at my fingertips" rescue methods. I'm also really tired from many many late nights the past two weeks, and that doesn't help. 

Another challenge: I'm slightly overwhelmed by all that we are on the cusp of, with starting a new school year, me starting BodyShred and really getting serious about dialing in my health and developing my yoga practice, and what that means for daily life and finding routine in a time when a strict schedule isn't always possible. 

The flip side of that sense of being overwhelmed, though, is BIG excitement. As daunting as it feels to start kindergarten, I'm so excited for the empowerment Lexi will find in being able to read. As tough as I know my workouts will be, and how tired I'll be at first, I know the rewards to my physical, emotional, and mental health will be beyond worth it if I'm committed and consistent. 

I'm excited because I'm starting this new season with a home that is clean and tidy, and a fair, managable plan to keep it that way without hours of work per day. I'm not super thrilled that we came home from the beach to discover we had had a mousey house sitter, but God works in mysterious ways, and now our house is deep cleaned, we are creating habits of sweeping and vacuuming more, and there are no signs of return visits. Thank ya Jesus. 

I am definitely more excited than overwhelmed by all that's beginning, and I know that if I'm able to breathe deep and live in each moment with intention, I will see myself blooming vibrantly. 

Walks are for kids, and finally setting a major goal date

Tuesday  I worked out four times. I did my JM, walked 3.4 mi, 37m yoga, and 40 min on the bike. While I was walking, I made a decision. The walks cannot, for now at least, have any agenda other than  giving the kids what they need-whether its Declan needing a nap, all of us heading to the park, or just some fresh air. There are two to three other times in the day right now when mama's workout has to come first, (though I'm hoping to get to the point when I'm getting all that done before they get up), and that time needs to be about them. It counts as exercise for me, obviously, but I can't set my agenda for it, because the kids will need something different from day to day. 

My fitness will improve, and with it my pace and therefore distance, but that has to just be gravy. This should also help me reduce overtraining, which is a struggle for me, and with the delicate balance my mental health is in right now, I can't afford it. 

I also finally put a date on my biggest  external fitness goal. I want my abs by my 35th birthday. That's just under 11 months, and I don't know if it's gonna happen-because I've never actually had abs... But I'm gonna try my very best while still living my life. I'm gonna have dessert sometimes, I'm gonna have sushi and fried chicken on occasion. I'm gonna eat clean and real food most of the time and train like no tomorrow. I'll never be one of those women who can eat whatever I want and not work out, but I am the woman who will reap rewards of hard work and not deprive myself of living life. 

This is a good thing to remind myself of as we head to the beach next week, because I fully intend to EAT and have no regrets-and also to go for lots of ways and do lots of yoga. Balance, Yo. 

Approaching a Waypoint

I couldn't really think of the right word, so that'll have to do. I'm having a slow start due to Anxhaustion (this is my new word that just sums it all up-anxiety caused by exhaustion that creates more exhaustion, creating more anxiety. Yay.) but I'm going to write while I drink my coffee and my workout will absolutely still happen. And yoga too. Annnnnywaaaaay...

We leave for vacation three weeks from tomorrow! I'm SO looking forward to this trip, to play with Lexi in the waves, to introduce Declan to the beach, to relax and eat good food (hopefully resist too much of the stuff that tastes good but isn't...), to spend unscheduled unpressured time with some of my favorite people, and get a good dose of vitamin D. 

It also marks my first concrete goal. I want to be able to fit comfortably and aesthetically, my size 6 jeans and capris. I think I'll be able to, also. I tried them on yesterday, and they buttoned and zipped just fine, though they were muffin toppy and not ideal around the middle. Nothing that didn't seem within the realm of 3 weeks of hard work though. This is a big exciting deal for me, because getting into those pants means that I'm one size away from my smallest ever, and that puts my goal of size four jeans by the end of BodyShred (late October) within reach. Once I get those size four jeans, a very big part of my fitness journey will be past, and a new, exciting, and challenging one will continue and come to the forefront. Ropes n Guns n Abs, baybeeee! 

The past few weeks I've found myself frustrated by what I can't do, or can't do without modifying in my Jillian Michaels workouts. In most of the (non body Revolution) workouts I do of hers, I do the advanced version of almost every move. Now, I'm in level 3 of Killer Arms and Back as well as Killer Abs, and there are some moves in both I just flat out can't do, and even modified is like WHAa?  That's hard. So, I can definitely see that when I finish my first round of BodyShred (probably having to modify a TON) my focus the next time through is going to be being Able to actually DO more. I'm trying to coach myself now to not get discouraged, because I know it's gonna be SO hard, from day 1, and I will have to improvise on a lot of the cardio the first round, because plyo is not the best plan for me, but I'm going to do this, I'm going to get stronger, and I'm going to conquer, just like I always have. 3.5 years ago I had never done a push up on my toes, now I can crank out sets of 25. I can do this. 

Today is my last Killer Abs workout of this round, and Monday I start 3 weeks of Killer Body, and I'll pick up one more week of that after Vacation before starting Bodyshred. I've previewed the upper body workout for Killer Body, and holy Push ups! Yeah I'm gonna be humbled by this, but how awesome will it be in future rounds to see how far I've come? 

As much as I've felt frustrated and defeated along the way, and I know I may feel that way again, I'm really proud that I haven't given up. Through the PPDA, the exhaustion, the nursing challenges and pumping around the clock, the kids waking up too early, through mornings like this one where I feel like I can't get off the couch, where the fear of unknown bad is paralyzingly me, I haven't quit fighting for my health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And I won't. 

I'm gonna address something here that I don't talk about much. I know I could take meds and the PPDA would probably be a non factor, or at least less of one, but the effect that meds have had on my body in other ways makes that just not the right choice for me. I've never been able to shed fat or even maintain a healthy weight when on antidepressants. It's not just vanity either. My PCOS is worse in every way when I am heavier. My cycle doesn't exist, I have painful cysts, migraines, and more. I will work my tail off in exercise and eating good food and using oils and supplements-all more effort, all requiring consistency, but long term, a better solution for me. I haven't fully ruled out some talk therapy though. Updates on this part of my journey as they come. 

LadyBug Girl is Four!

My Four year old. You are light and love and my dreams and my heart, and I love you more than I ever knew possible. You also drive me crazy, but that's life with a daughter, I'm told. 

You're so very imaginative. We almost literally can't keep up with who you "are" from day to day, whether you're Peppa Pig, Sofia, Cinderella, Belle, Snow White, or about of the other many characters you play. It's both endearing and infuriating  to call your name and hear "No, I'm Belle!" We love the worlds you create though, and do our best to

Encourage you. 

You are very into making art now, whether drawing, painting, gluing, or...toothpaste? I encourage that too, within reasonable boundaries and rules. Haha! I love watching your creations look more and more realistic and hearing what's in your vibrant mind. 

Ballet is becoming a favorite activity too. You love your teacher, the girls in your class, and DANCIN! Your first recital was so fun, and I look forward to watching your confidence and skills grow. 

We really enjoyed our first year of homeschooling and are both excited to start again soon! You ask me almost daily if it's "uptember" yet, because you are so ready to learn to read! 

(Astronaut)

You're an incredible big sister, and impress me every day with your love for your "Bubby". You two play so well together and just love each other so much. If he's up and you're not, he misses and tries to get to you. I love hearing y'all laughing together in the car. I'm so thankful for how much you love being my big helper with him. 

You are the most passionate and sensitive child I've ever met-with parents like us, it makes sense-you certainly come by it honestly. You are so caring and loving, always making sure I'm doing ok, and if you sense even a little unhappiness you seek to comfort and encourage, not just me, but your brother and your friends too. The flip side of that is, for any highly sensitive person, that your negative feelings and reactions are big too. You love and laugh on a large scale, and you are sad and angry in a big way too. I'm learning to breathe deep in those moments and not let my own high sensitivity be caught up too, because what you need is calm and safety when your world feels stormy. I know this because I'm the same way, my love, my heart. 

Lexi Bella, I'm so thankful and blessed to be your mama that I don't have words. I thank God every day for the gift of you and all you are, and I always will. Especially on this day that's a reminder of my very first happiest day with you. I love you. 

LMAL: moving forward!

So, yesterday I decided that if I wait till I have "mornings" down to a science to move forward in my experiment, I'm gonna be waiting a long long time. At this point, I know what needs to change for the long term, and I can continue working towards that, even as I open up the next chapter in this journey. And, as if for confirmation of this realization, yesterday was about the smoothest morning I've had in this chapter! Go figure. 

I got up on time, came down, dodged a couple breakfast related wrenches, had my Devo time, got dressed, started my workout (only 10 minutes late, due to anxiety flaring up), finished my workout (only twenty minutes late, due to toddler interruptions and needing more breaks than usual cuz it was a really tough workout, y'all!), fed Lexi, nursed the Bub, washed my face and put on makeup, fed the Bub breakfast, got us all ready for a walk, and was home from that walk well before noon. 

Now, there are many improvements to be made, like having everything for the walk prepped ahead, streamlining my grooming time, maybe giving Bub his breakfast while on the walk(?), a better focus to make more of the time between 9-1030 (because we will need that during the school year), but overall, it went pretty well. 

Most of what I need to make my mornings run smoothly happens in the night before, and I'm doing *better* about being disciplined in making those things happen, but there's still work to do. Also, a few weekly items to make into routine. When I do get my evening routine dialed in more, I'm hoping to start getting up earlier, which will allow everything to shift back a bit. I can't rush that, though, because sleep is my best single weapon in  this battle against anxiety. Well, that, and my kids' smiles and hugs. 

Hopefully, with this foundation set, I can continue adding elements to our days that make us all better able to love our lives more. This school year fast approaches (7 more weeks!) and I'd like to have some rhythm by Sept 5. After this chapter of my experiment, I definitely feel better equipped to keep marching toward better mornings, which fuel and lead to better days. 

The next chapter, which I'll write on tomorrow,  is about intentionality in relationships and being with people, and as much as I love to love people, with where I am in my journey with PPDA, I'm about to panic just thinking about it. 

Pray for me, y'all...

Being the change. Or at least a start.

Last week, before the news was (as) flooded with the stuff we are seeing the past few days, I was on a walk with the kids, and a young man was walking a bit behind us, playing his music-which was fine except I was struck by a thought-what if Lexi hears, and what if she asks me "what's that mean, (N word)?" Like she does with so many new words? What do you tell a 3 year old that's honest, communicates the weight, but age appropriate? 

 If and when we have that conversation, I think I'll tell her: 

"That is an ugly word that you should never say because some people have used that word for a long long time to hurt other people and make them feel like they aren't important just because they look different. If you say that word, it will hurt people very much and make them sad and angry. We don't want to do that, we only love people with our words. "

And daily I'm asking myself how can I be the change, teach the change? Help break the cycle?  I'm just beginning to really be intentional, but for a start- We have Lexi in a ballet school that is geared toward less wealthy families (like us!) , and this season intentionally placed her at the location in the very predominantly black area-on purpose. There are 14 students in her class, 3 are white. We are immersing her in a community (for at least this hour of the week) in which *she* is the other, the one who is different. And you know what, these littles don't divide themselves. When Lexi and her little friend M met, they immediately threw their arms around each other and hugged. Multiple times every class they hug. Because love is natural and hate is learned.  The seeds of unkindness (in humanity) exist but The one that grows is the one that you water and feed and cultivate. 

Racism is so ingrained in our culture that we barely recognize our own prejudices. I'm sure I have some still, but I was raised to love. My mama had a friend who lived in a low income complex and I spent a chunk of my childhood running around, the only white kid enjoying frozen kool aid icees in a styrofoam cup. I loved Miss Doretha's grits. My best friend when we lived on base was a girl named Shanelle and I learned it was a crime to take her hair aloose and sometimes it was too hot for her to come outside and play. 

The result of that is a deep comfort and trust of black people that I took for granted until recently. I joked that when I sold Mary Kay I could only "warm chatter" black women, but it was true.  Even with my comfort though, I find myself working hard to be respectful and careful with my words, because I don't know what it's like to be black in America. As anxious as I am for my babies' health and safety, I don't know the fear these mamas face for no other reason than the color of their babies' skin. 

I'm challenging myself to do more, love more, and be intentional.

Finally making progress and yoga goals

So, I'm finally seeing progress and changes in my body externally. I'm a little afraid to jinx it but I do believe my goal of fitting into my size six jeans by vacation is  within reach! 

Current status: size 8 jeans fit fine, size 8 skinny jeans are a leeeetle muffin toppy, but they are the most unforgiving pants I've ever owned so pbbbbt! Haha! Naw, but they will look great soon. 

I'm not seeing on the scale quite yet, and that could partly be because it's a new scale, and partly because I'm focusing so much on gaining muscle. I dunno. I only really care about the scale as it relates to how much I should be eating. With that in mind, I'll probably knock my calories down by 50 pretty soon, and after vacation, another 50, or more based on whatever change I see on the scale. 

Ohhh I'm a bit nervous about vacation...how am I gonna stay on track without driving the boys nuts? I know I'm gonna do yoga and go for walks, but intensity isn't gonna be the same. Recovery will be good, but I also have to be mindful of what's going in! 

I'm doing pretty well at reigniting my yoga practice. I have so far to go, but so far I'm really enjoying making time for mindfulness and getting to know my body all over. I have recently pinpointed some goals, and I'll be adding more soon I'm sure. 

-crow pose: so far I have managed *once* to hold the pose for about 1.5 seconds. So I really want to begin mastery of this. 

-Shoulder stand-I want to be able to hold this and move it into- 

-Plow. I'd love to be able to reach my feet back to the floor. 

-Chaturanga- this is something I'm going to be working on for awhile I think. I am doing tricep push-ups and really trying to develop this, and I'll be workshop ping it alongside crow. 

More to come!!!

LMAL: still working on mornings

So, I thought that when Declan moved to his own room mornings would get easier for me. They haven't yet, and I've become less disciplined. I really need to recommit to staying off Facebook till after I work out, for all the reasons. I also need to have a solid backup plan for if the kids wake up during "my time". For now, Declan can eat breakfast and then play in the pack n play while I do my thing. That's fine. But if Lexi gets up that's trickier, and we are beginning the "you have to stay in your room till I come get you" battle lately. 

Right now it's 8:03 and I'm nursing Declan. I got a really good night of sleep, and if I'd have stayed off fb and done all my prep for today last night, maybe I'd have started my workout on time and  I'd have just left him in his crib while I finished up in the next few minutes. But...I didn't. I feel like by the time the kids go to bed at night I am just ready to check out and relax. I could/should attack the giant pile of laundry, do my prep for tomorrow, etc, but I don't and it sets me up for disappointment in myself the next day. I need to break this cycle because the failure is not good for my productivity or my mental health. I need to set myself up for success and I'm going to start today. 

Here are the things I *will* make happen today (not necessarily in this order): 

-plan food/to-do's for today and tomorrow

-Jillian workout

-yoga

-wash last load laundry

-play in pool with kids

-fold all laundry that's downstairs

-vitamins and coffee setup. 

 

Tomorrow I'll attempt to finish the laundry pile. And more pool time. 

"Exercise does not help with weight loss" and other nonsense

I broke the rules yesterday morning and checked Facebook before I even got out of bed. The result was seeing a post sharing an article with the above quote as a title. I was angry before I read it, furious by the time I finished. I kinda know what I'm talking about here, and exercise is, for me, and many others, integral to weight loss. It's not the only factor, but it's a major one-maybe equal to diet in my case.

For those who haven't followed my saga from when I started sharing in 2010 (though it started in earnest in 2003!), here's a recap, as concise as I can make it. I have PCOS, and around age 18, that, along with a fast food lifestyle, made me gain a lot of weight. Back then I had no muscle to speak of because I just didn't do exercise. About 9 mos after I got married (February 2003) I decided I was going to lose some weight. I had some old 80's workout vhs tapes that were discarded from the library, and for the first few months, I used those and a low carb cookbook/plan to help me lose weight. I was 20 years old, and it worked great. I also traded in the VHS for Pilates DVDs and a YMCA membership(I did an hour of cardio and lifted light weights 5x a week) after a few months and losing about 30 lbs. I remember my goal weight being 125, and the lowest I got to was 154. I was still about a size 10, but I was much fitter and my PCOS symptoms were improved. During this time I also discovered I could eat a whole pizza after working out and still lose weight. Then I stopped working out, kept eating the pizza. Whoops.

By February 2005 I was Bigger than before and fed up. The day I joined a gym was also the day my brother in law announced his engagement to a beautiful girl in CA and the wedding was in 3 mos. perfect timing and motivation. I worked out twice a day, 6 days a week, and ate carefully (I have no memory of what I ate except that wine was dessert. Haha!)I lost 30 lbs and got down to a size 8 in those 3 mos. I looked cute and was the fittest I'd ever been. Then the wedding was over and my drive was gone. 

By 2007 I was even bigger than before. I started an online fit club for my new podcasting friends in late 07-early 08, but, despite losing about 10 lbs, I didn't stick with it well or long. By August 2009 I was at my biggest ever (220 lbs, size 18) and despite resolving to do better, and achieving small amounts of success (below is what I use as my "before" picture and it's actually AFTER I had slimmed down a little), nothing was really changing long term. 

Then I bought and read Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. And Y'all, that's when EVERYTHANG changed. It's when I went from "health conscious" to a crunchy weird freak who wanted to shop at farmers markets, won't microwave plastic, became obsessed with pastures eggs and grass fed beef, no sulfates, yes to whole foods, etc. all of which you can read about in this blog. The stuff I learned about food then is the basis (along with my adapted version of Paleo) of how we eat and live today, 5 years later. It took

me awhile in 2011 to find my exercise groove, and the weight took ages it seemed, to start coming off. I had a lot of crap to reverse. The first type of exercise I fell in love with was swimming, and I got up at 530AM to do it for months. I also found some Jillian DVDs and did them. Then, something inspired me to start going to the gym, and THAT is when my body started changing and my inner athlete showed her face for real. I discovered cycle and yoga and created a 17hr a week training program (Hahahaha) that got me the smallest (though not lightest) and definitely the fittest I'd ever been since I got married. Just in time to discover I was finally pregnant with Lexi. I lost 42 lbs and went from an 18 to a 10 that year. I did not track my calories, I just made wise food choices and indulged when I wanted.

Then, after Lexi, I was back up to a 16 immediately postpartum, and I wasn't prepared for the HUNGER that came with breastfeeding. I gained about 25 lbs in the first 6 mos-some of which i attribute to the meds I was on for anxiety, but that's another story. In February/March 2013 we did a Whole30 and stayed 80/20 Paleo for awhile. I also started Jillian's Body Revolution for the first time around then. 30 min a day? I could do that, even with a baby. But, I have an addictive personality and, I mean, I'd been training 17h a week before, so when results weren't coming fast and I was crying because the level 2 workouts were so hard, i needed MORE, right? In August (13 mos after Lexi was born) I was doing 3 DVDs and cycle class and walking, and eating about 1600 calories a day and getting NOWHERE. Then a friend or two suggested that a) it was because I was breastfeeding, and B) I wasn't eating enough to sustain that and all the exercise. Oh my stars was this hard to swallow. Eat more to lose weight? This cannot be. Also, it was suggested by many (including Jillian herself indirectly via her podcast) that I was overtraining. So I stripped down my program and ate more. I was doing BR, a light walk, and two cycle classes, for a total of 4h of hard exercise and 4-6 walks a week. I tracked my calories and ATE BACK most of what I burned in exercise to leave myself with (at first, at 180 lbs)) 1600 a day, and reduced by 50 each time I lost 5 lbs. between August and Late November I went down from a 12 to an 8, and lost 15 lbs. I ate cheesecake on days it was in my calorie budget, I drank wine, I ate whatever I wanted, then, I kept going with this formula, and in the next 3 mos I lost another 10 lbs and 2 more pant sizes. I was a FOUR! By the time I got pregnant with Declan in June 2014 I had reached my lowest weight since I was 18-150, and was the size I was when I was 13 in middle school. All while eating whatever I wanted (mostly clean, but also cheesecake and sushi and fried food). 70 lbs, size 18-4. 

Now, I'm almost 16 mos postpartum, and only down 1 size from where I was at 3 weeks postpartum, and maybe 5lbs. Ha! I've been eating clean and exercising almost this whole time. But that one size puts me at an 8, which is where I was when Lexi was 16 mos old, and I have tons of muscle, and Declan has only just night weaned. Factors are different. I'm

Sticking to my formula though, and I'm getting stronger, and recently I've started to see changes in my body. Muscle definition, a smaller tummy, a smaller face.

None of those things ever happened when I would try to diet alone. Diet alone has given me a quick boost (like the 15 lbs I lost doing whole30) but sustainable weight loss and increased health has never happened for me without intense 

Consistent exercise. Not to mention exercise has kept me off anxiety meds, and kept me moving through the past year of postpartum depression and anxiety hell. 

I read that article and this is what I thought: this is to coddle those people who don't like to exercise or don't like to exercise hard. Those people will feel vindicated and say "see, it doesn't help, so I don't have to bother." Meanwhile it insults those of us who have found success and life change and so much more in fitness. One of the commenters referred to people in the fitness industry as Snake Oil Salesmen. That's just nonsense. 

So, yeah. I'm mad. 

LMAL: Mornings, Anxiety, and Zephaniah 3:17

I'm still stuck on the Mornings chapter of my experiment, y'all, and I've slacked off on the quiet. Sigh. Mornings have been in a little flux due to transitioning D to his crib, but also things like power outages, my alarm not going off (today), and just plain going to bed late. I also have a tendency to mentally throw my hands up on getting back on track if something throws me off, so I'm working on that too. And like I said, I've slacked a bit on the practices I put in place when I was focusing on Quiet. Social media free weekends haven't happened the last 3- recital weekend! Must share and watch photos and videos! Power outage! Must commiserate and check on people! And this past weekend I just forgot. Boo. I've been *better* about being on my phone less when kids are around but...I need to do better. 

I probably said this before, but the key to my mornings is prep the night before, and that's where the failure, or at least lack of success begins. I have a great nighttime routine *plan*, but most nights, I do half of it at best. That's gotta change. Take five minutes, do vitamins, wash your face, make your list for tomorrow. Set up the coffeemaker... C'mon girl! 

My anxiety messes with my mornings some days too-particularly the last week or so, leading to and during a Nasty nasty menstrual period. Yay. Guys, I wish I was joking about this, but yesterday all day I was fixated on a bug bite on Declan's arm (he has mosquito bites a bunch of places because he's so sweet...) that was a bit irritated. He'd probably been scratching it, the mosquito probably sat awhile on him, it was in a place where it saw lots of action, he probably had been scratching it overnight, etc. all rational and logical reasons it was redder. I could not chill out. I'm still a little tense. Rationally I know it's just a mosquito bite, it's not infected, it's not bothering him at ALL, it'll be fine. But anxiety says "my baaaaaaby!!!" And I'm cranky and can't function. Thank God for Scott who helps me grasp reality and Is very patient with me when I'm freaking out. He had me put D in a shirt with sleeves "it'll be good for both of you." Haha! But yeah, when my anxiety is bad, I can't drive myself toward productivity. 

I'm really going to focus this week on self care, being intentional about what I let into my mind (binge watching OITNB when I'm having anxiety issues, prolly wasn't super wise...) and doing my night before routine. Hopefully that'll turn my mornings around and improve my mental health.

This morning, I was doing my devotions and prayer time, and the verse on today's page of my prayer journal was one that has been especially powerful and important to me the past two years, and I definitely needed it: 

The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Thank you, Father, for that love. 

Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

LMAL Chapter Two: Mornings

I read and started planning changes from this chapter last Friday (it's Tuesday now). So far I have a really good plan/list of ideas that I have yet to be able to really implement. The weekend was all about Lexi's recital and recovering from it, and that's fine, great, fantastic even, just nothing approaching normal. Then Sunday night we put D in his crib at night for the first time, and while he did great-6 hours without waking up!- it was not a restful night of sleep for me, and yesterday morning, while fairly productive, was a mess. Today has promise, though it hasn't begun according to plan exactly, it still has time to merge back to the plan. I'll get in my routine, and this chapter of my experiment is all about creating that routine that starts my day right so I'm equipped to continue that good start with the kids! 

I had an amazing morning routine with Lexi for about a year before I got pregnant with Declan. I got up at 6, had breakfast, devotions, worked out, showered sometimes, got dressed, then got Lexi up and we went for a walk while she ate breakfast. Having another little life in the mix has added complication to creating routine for sure-especially since for far too long my life revolved around his nursing schedule. But now we are in a new home, he's moving to his own bed, learning to use a cup, and I think we are ready for some normalcy! 

Changes I'm going to make to smooth out and fire up my mornings:

-Streamline "mama time" before kids are up.  I want to make this time both more peaceful and more productive. 

 How? By asking myself some questions: 

-what means the most to get done in this time?

   -devotions/prayer 

   -workout (goal: start within an hour of waking)

    -breakfast/make bed/get pretty

-what is in the way?

  -I have trouble actually getting my body started with working out. I drag my feet and then get upset I'm running late. 

-what could help?

  -better prep the night before: coffee, remote(we tend to lose it), workout clothes, water bottle, breakfast, which weights I'll need.

  -giving myself a physical wake up. Warming up with a short yoga session on non push up days and my first set of push ups on Monday/Thursday so my body is ready to move. 

Example of how I'd like my pre-kids time to go: 

-downstairs/drink something

-push ups or sun sal

-bible time/get coffee

-push ups/<20 m yoga

-prayer/coffee

-push ups, start workout

-eat, recover, go get pretty and make bed

Things I need to prep the night before: 

-coffee

-my breakfast (weekly?)

-remote! 

-school 

-tomorrow's to-do list (star the top 3 items)

-workout clothes

Like I said, these are all the things I'm working toward, but haven't quite made happen yet. I'm really excited to see how they impact our day though! 

LMAL: week 1 reflections

So, it's been about a week since I put these changes into practice to increase QUIET (mostly virtual) in my life. While I haven't been perfect at sticking to it-i checked my email before I got up this morning-i really like the changes in seeing in my attitude and my ability to be present. 

Some thoughts:

The social media free weekend was amazing. I did habitually go to check stuff or post something, but since I deleted the apps, I didn't break my fast. This is definitely going to continue. When I put them back on Monday, I found that I didn't need to photo dump or status flood or anything like that. Maybe some Mondays I will, but I'm pretty excited at the outcome of that. 

I've also just been posting less in general and checking less, partly because of the time limits I'm setting and keeping my phone not at hand, and that's been really good too. 

The anxiety triggers have definitely been fewer, and when I see a source, I'm quick to take action to hide or unfollow. I keep thinking "I'll say a prayer for you but I gotta protect my mind!"

I've been coloring! It sounds silly, but I get immense satisfaction and relaxation out of this-as long as I have a tv show or music or something else on to occupy my mind, because dang if the devil doesn't wanna use thenquietbto slip some nasty intrusive thoughts in. 

I won't be able to do this weekly, or even monthly, but yesterday Scott stayed home and gave me a full on rest day. Like, I literally hung out in bed all day long. I slept in till 9, I watched a movie, I colored, I did yoga (ok that part wasn't in bed), he and I snuggled and watched tv while the kids napped, it was glorious. It was like a day of really good postpartum recovery 1( months in-and if you know anything about how my postpartum with D was, it was much needed, even after all this time-because I didn't get it back then. 

Another thing that has come out of clearing some noise has been some clarity on pursuing some dreams and goals and making them more concrete. I wrote about this separately, but it's related-I'm going to pursue my RYT 200, and I'm really excited about it. I'm excited about the training, about setting a tangible thing to accomplish, and doing it, and I'm excited to make my yoga practice a priority again. Yoga is, for me, one of the best tools to quiet my mind and my heart, bring me into the moment, and show me the beauty and strength within myself as well as all around me. 

One new "rule" I've done better but not great at so far is keeping off my phone during time with Scott-it was a pager week so neither of us was perfectly present, but I'm going to do better. 

I'm going to keep these new practices going (and get better at them!) as I read and implement the next chapter of the experiment. This has already been so very good for me.