Plateau, or just hormones/digestion

So, I've been expecting/dreading a plateau in my weight loss for awhile, because I've never had this kind of consistent weight loss in my life. This past week was the first week in the past 3 months that I've weighed in exactly the same, so I'm a bit bummed. I fear it's upon me-the time when I have to a) become more patient with my body because I'm essentially at a healthy weight and these are vanity pounds, and b) decrease my defecit-or at the very least make sure I'm eating enough every single day.

I've been tracking my calorie intake (by now it's second nature) but have probably not made sure I've been eating enough as well as I should...also this could be Premenstrual hormones, and the fact that my bowels aren't moving as frequently...tmi maybe, but a factor all the same. I can't let this derail my drive though. Gotta keep pushing and building-especially over the holidays. 

I'm a little bit of a walking contradiction these days. 

I'm so happy with my life and my family-yet I'm broken inside. I'm lonely and sad that few pursue friendship with me, yet I'm pulling away and the thought of someone coming after me fills me with dread. I know I'm isolating myself, and frankly it's kind of intentional. I have felt rejected and unwanted and alone for years at a time at different points in my life, and I guess this is my defense against that. You can't ignore me or reject my need for friendship if I don't let you close. Besides, I have Scott and Lexi, I can wrap myself in them, and I trust them not to hurt me. 

Before and during my pregnancy with Lexi, I was deeply immersed in my church family, spending every possible moment loving and being loved by them. They were amazing through the waiting and the fear and all of my silliness-celebrating with and supporting me. Since she's been born though...not so much. I don't know when or how it happened, but I just don't feel close to or even connected to many anymore. It's really hard, and I'm sure none of them have a clue. And I don't want to tell them, because I don't want love out of pity or obligation. And you know what else? I'm just tired of needing. Always needing. I'm tired of being the broken one. 

Related-I miss my high school best friend something fierce. She lives states away and we haven't spent any time together in 13 years, but in many ways we have more in common now than we ever did. I ache to reach out and tell her I miss her, I love her, I *need* her, but I can't.  I can't face the rejection I'm almost certain of, because her life is so full, and she doesn't need my brokenness cluttering it up. 

So tired of being broken. 

About last night...

Last night I showed up at the gym for cycle class like any normal Tuesday, nervous, excited, ready to see what my body could really do. It's always my biggest challenge physically and mentally to push harder and go faster and climb a steeper hill-I love it. As we all piled into the room and adjusted our bikes, we were informed that Shelle, who you know I love love love had been in a car accident (I've since talked to her and she's totally fine, praise God) and wasn't going to make it to class, and they were trying to find a sub for us. A few people left at this point, about 8-10 stayed. I texted Scott, and he told me I should get up there and lead, or at least call out drills from where I was. "It's your goal. Or dream. Or something,"  and he's right-it is! I've wanted to be a cycle instructor since my very first class. But I wasn't that bold. Another guy called out an offer to do just that, and I told him to go for it, but nobody else responded, so he didn't. :-(  at that point, I decided that until we had an instructor I was just going to do drills in my head. It's tough to push oneself to the level we usually push without music, and after about 10 min another 3-5 people left. By 30 min in there were 3 of us left-I was still doing drills and intervals in my head, thinking, "ok, for the next four minutes I'm going to stand, and add a gear every 45 seconds" or "ok, 30 on, 30 off" and gettin an insane workout, especially considering I had no music. 45 min in, another person left. 55 min in, my last classmate was gone, calling a reminder to stretch over his shoulder. I finished my hour on the bike, had a good long stretch, wiped down my bike, and checked my heart rate monitor-I burned just as many calories from my hour training myself with no music as I do on any other Tuesday night! I walked out of that room seeing myself in a totally different way. My dream of being a cycle instructor feels completely in my grasp. I don't know when it'll happen, but I do know now that I *can*, and that is life changing. I'm still a little blown away. 

Can we talk about dysmorphia?

This is a bigger issue some days than others, but it remains a problem in my life. I've lost 57 lbs, 5 pant sizes, and people who've known me for years are telling me I look like a different person, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, I often see the same fat girl (who was really never *that* fat, if I'm honest) I've been seeing my entire adult life (except when I was pregnant-I loved my body then!). I know I'm smaller. I know I look different. These are facts, undisputable because they have pretty numbers to go with. However, I still zero in on the softness around my middle, the chubby face, the way I wish my arms were more toned...and I see a fat girl. I don't see the strong woman who reached a goal 13 years in the making, or the mom who carves out time for herself so she can enjoy her days more fully. I see my belly. My belly that is so much closer to being abs than it's ever been, but I still hate that it's not. I want to celrbrate how far I've come, but I'm distracted by how much more I still want. It's so stupid. 

Quick update

Just checking in to say that I'm finishing up my second week of round 2 of JMBR and really committing to staying consistent despite holiday interruptions. Due to being sick the end of last week, the IBS Christmas party tonight, Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, next week will be my only two cycle class week this month. 

Since my goals from here on are kind of undefined/hard to measure (I'd still like to see 150 on the scale, but I'm at my goal size so...) it's really hard to get my "why" in my head. Before it was the size 8 skinny jeans, or the 50 lb mark...now I'm pushing for performance. To keep up with shelle in cycle class, to rep out on all of Jillian's crazy push-ups, to get rid of the belly fat that drives me nuts. These aren't numbers, they are concepts, and though attainable, hard to measure. (Other than the push ups.)

So here is where I am today:

Lbs lost: 55

Pants: size 8's are comfy, even after a cycle class. :-D

Push ups: 2x10 military style, with limited ROM.

Active recovery week

Because I want to wear my skinny jeans on thanksgiving and I know that intense exercise makes me swell up like a sausage, I'm taking this week as an active recovery week. Here's what that means: 

-As much walking as possible. It's really cold this week, and supposed to rain tomorrow and Wednesday on top of being cold. I may end up walking alone in the frigid early mornings to save Lexi having to be out in the yucky weather.  

-lots of water. I'll be pumping fluids and flushing out my muscles. Lots of lemon water and chamomile tea!

-eating clean-as much as possible. 

Expectations: honestly, my goal for this week as far as results is to maintain. I hope to lose a little water from my worn out muscles, but as long as I don't swell up, I'm golden. :-) 

I'm trying to put this in perspective. It's one week. Everyone needs and deserves a break. I'm not going to go nuts with food, and no matter what, I'm launching back in a week from today. Argh...I'm such a control freak...

Unexpected Growth

When I purchased JMBR, I was looking for a way to lose the baby weight and get myself back into a workout routine. I've gotten so much more from it than that though. 

The first week, way back in March, I was so nervous, because I looooove Jillian, but I'd never ever been able to finish one of her workouts without a lot of breaks, modifying, and generally feeling defeated. Well, I was so excited during that first workout, because even though I'd done little to no exercise for over a year during  2/3 of my pregnancy and being in my baby bubble, I could *do* this! It wasn't easy, but I could get through the workout. At that point in my journey, that was what I needed to boost my confidence. When I leveled up the first time was when things really started to fall apart, because suddenly THIS WAS HARD! my pride took a hit. I didn't wanna modify, take breaks, whatever. Some of these moves were killing me, and I was literally frustrated to tears. It was also around this time that I went back to cycle class for the first time since Lexi, and in hindsight, I think that was a big factor in my frustration, and the beginning of my period of overtraining. I really struggled through class both times my first week back, but I finished-again, amazing myself, because it took me a good month back in 2011 to get through a whole 60 min with shelle, and here I was, doing it my first day back! I really started here seeing how incredible my body is, and it was definitely a spark of the fiery change that was to come. 

But then the overtraining happened. I tried to layer JMBR (which I was struggling with all on its own) with cycle 3x a week, yoga, walking, and a 45 min Tracy Anderson DVD. This gave my body no recovery, overtrained my muscles, and  most of all, left me feeling really discouraged. I struggled hard with consistency during this time, and saw very little progress in my performance. By the end of June I'd burnt myself out and didn't work out once in July. When I came back to fitness in late August, I knew I had to do it differently, and at first I was still overtraining, but within a month I got my training dialed in. All I needed to be doing to see results was JMBR and cycle. I could get an extra burn and give Lexi some time outdoors by adding a walk. 9/2 was my JMBR restart date, and 9/23 was the first day of this new plan. 

Consistency is the first gift I feel I've been given by myself through this program. Since my restart in late August I've only missed 2 exercise days, and one of them was due to sciatica. I attribute this to the simplification of my program (who would have thought I'd be getting faster better results from 35-90m a day than the 4h I was doing in 2011?) and to the mental strength I've developed over the past 2.5 years that has really blossomed the past 12 weeks. 

This mental strength has manifested in the area of pushing harder and knowing when to modify. My first attempt at JMBR involved a lot of skipping exercises and cardio intervals and feeling afterwards like i was either weak or cheating myself. This second time through, I've had a different mindset. You do what you can. This works both ways- I try every exercise and interval. Much of the time that exercise I was skipping is totally doable, either modified or at fewer reps to start. And if I need to modify or hit pause to catch my breath, that's okay, as long as I get back to it. I'm not going to beat myself up for doing *my* best and I'm not going to actually cheat myself by not trying and not finding out what my best is. Maybe I'll be able to do those 3 part push-ups one day, but for now I'm pretty stoked I did 10 military style in a row, because before JMBR I'd never done one. 

One area I've seen huge improvement in is my ability to do Plyo moves as cardio intervals. Before this I barely tried and used my bad joints as an excuse. Since I started at least giving it a try though, I've found a lot of strength and improvement. I'm still pretty cautious, and keep my range of motion smaller, but I'm doing it, and finding less and less pain in my knees and ankles as I progress. 

  My performance in JMBR itself improves every week, and while I've never really felt ready to level up when it's time, I always surprise myself. Cycle class, however is it's own amazing journey, and I'm amazed at the strides I've made there especially over the past 12 weeks. When I came back after Lexi, I had to fight just to finish the hour each time. There was no challenging my body beyond that, I wasn't even keeping up with the teacher's directions to stand, sit, add gear, etc. I realized last night that now I follow every direction and though the workout kills me just as hard, it's become a totally different experience. My goals aren't just to get through it, but to go harder than I did last time, on speed, resistance, whatever. It's just incredible. 

I'm really excited that I'm not spending hours a day grinding at this anymore. 35 min (40 if I take breaks) and I'm done and the day belongs to Lexi. That's so nice, and even more than that, it's sustainable. 

  I've unexpectedly found a support system like no other in a JMBR group on fb. These women (and one man) all over the world have come together with our different stories and struggles to change our lives and support each other while doing it! There is no judgement or shaming, just tons of encouragement. It's made such a huge different for me! (hi y'all!)

One thing I never expected this journey to give me-and it started way back in 2011-is a new sense of self worth. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me. The origins of this and the story of it are their own post. Because of this aspect of my personality, I tend to not stand up for myself when I'm being mistreated or taken advantage of. I often choose what will make others happy instead of what's best for me. Now selflessness isn't a bad thing, but I'm talking about choosing what will please others over what is truly *best* for me. This is particularly destructive on an emotional/mental health level because I struggle there often. This program has given me a simple place to start drawing a line in the sand and choosing ME. By starting by letting me tell MYSELF "no, I have value, I need this, and nothing is more important." I began to face down the lies that I wasn't worth value, and I have been more and more able to create boundaries. I am becoming more and more able to give of myself joyfully, because it's out of love rather than fear. I still struggle with the fear of others' reactions to my choices, but I'm beginning to be stronger about making the choices. 

 And yes, I do have a new body. I know this, though I don't always see it. I'm the smallest I've been in my adult life. I'm the fittest and healthiest of my entire life. That's awesome, and I'm really trying not to focus on my belly fat. :-P 

I'm learning this again, still, always.

Dear Baby Two,

Still no sign of when we will meet you. And that's ok. I mean, it should be. I should be all peaceful and "oh God's timing is perfect...", but sweet one, I'm not like that at all. Not most days anyway. I want to meet you so much! I want to feel you stirring inside me, to see my belly round and grow as you do, I want that moment of your sweet arrival, to hold you, smell you, and kiss you for the first time. I want to introduce you to your sister, to see her face, and see her love you. Oh sweet Baby Two, I want all these things and more with my whole heart. And I know-I do!- that God's timing is perfect-your sister is proof of that. But, your mama has fears. Fears she won't ever get all those things she dreams of. Feelings she doesn't deserve you, that asking God for you is asking too much, after He blessed us so mightily with your sister. But, Darlin, I'm asking Him anyway-every single day, most days more than once. 

I know this lesson of God's timing and His having my best interests mapped out is an important one He wants me to learn, because it pops into my life a lot. Haha! You'll find too that He likes to do things that way. God wants Mama to learn over and over that she has to let go and enjoy the ride, or she will miss it. You know when Lexi started growing in me? When I let go and just started living my life. I still took my special medicine that month, but I didn't agonize and worry and feel sad. I just filled each day, and she surprised us! I guess I need to do that again, Huh Sweet One? I can be patient for your When, I really can. It's the If that makes Mama feel afraid and sad. But you know what? I can't control that either. I can only cry out to God and ask Him to give you to me, ask Him to soothe my heart in the meantime, and have faith. Oh, and love on your Dada a whole whole bunch. That's the easy part. :-)

Eight

That's my pants size. At least at Old Navy, at least for jeans, and that counts. That's pretty much the only place I buy pants anyway. 

I've lost 5 (or 10 depending how you see it) pants sizes since March 2011, going from an 18 to an 8. I've got a little tummy left to tone up, and my thighs may slim a little, but, this is my happy size. I'm not sure it's sunk in yet. Oh, and just for fun...

Fifty

That's how many lbs I've lost from my highest recorded weight sometime in 2008. I'm proud, I'm exhausted, I'm...wearing size 8 jeans! I've reached my goal 2 weeks early! I'm still a little in shock because size 8 wasn't just my next size goal, it was my ultimate size goal! I'm at my goal!!! I did it! 

Now, this feels different than I always expected it to, because, along the way I've learned that fitness isn't a destination (my goal weight/size 8 jeans) but a journey that never ends. I've accomplished something pretty huge over the past 32 months (10 of which I was pregnant), and that's awesome, but I'm not done by a long shot. I may never see that 150 on the scale-I weigh 170 today, I have lost 3 sizes in the last 15 lbs, and I can't imagine maintaining any size smaller long term. My hips are where they are, and I haven't worn anything smaller than a 10 since middle school. 

But fitness, health, and happiness aren't ultimately marked by numbers in pants or on a scale, and I have far more progress to make and many more accomplishments to celebrate ahead. I've learned so much so far about myself, my strength, my athleticism, my will to conquer the hard stuff, that after Baby Two the bounce back shouldn't be such a mystery. I'm done with being told I can't. It's hard, it takes discipline, but I CAN! 

Tired.

I'm tired. Of hoping but fearing heartbreak, of waiting for something I want so deeply but may never have. Of feeling conflicted, of seeing others blessings as a reminder of what I don't have. Of feeling not good enough. Of feeling like there aren't enough blessings to go around so if someone else is blessed I won't be-though I know this isn't true. Of feeling like I'll never be good enough to be actively wanted, only put up with. Of so many many things. 

The Home Stretch

Today I start the last level of JMBR. I'm a little bit terrified, though I know that's silly. I think it's because I want so badly to be able to do everything in the workout exactly on point, but I know for various reasons that's just not gonna happen this round. It might happen in February at the end of the next round, or it may never happen, no matter how many rounds I do. I can't control that today. Today I can give it all I have to give today, and each of the six times I do this workout this time. Perfection is not required. 

Part of my angst is probably due to some stress over thanksgiving, which I won't bore you with, except to say I'll be so glad when it's all over. I feel a lot of pressure that I just don't need right now. I have enough going on, thanks. I woke up at six, but didn't really start moving till seven, and it's 20 after eight and I just finished breakfast. It's that kind of morning so far. Hopefully the workout (when I get to it) will help me turn it around, because right now I feel like I've lost all my fizz. 

After much chewing things over...

I have really been thinking hard the past few weeks on what to do for round 2 of JMBR, in the sense of, what is my program going to look like? Am I going to go harder, double up? How do I get my burn when the weather is colder and walking is harder to do? I'm an overachiever so it's hard to balance what I want to do with what the best plan is. After really thinking through where I am and what I'm hoping to accomplish, this is what I've decided on. 

I'm going to keep it as simple as possible, basically continuing with my current routine. I'll do JMBR m/t/tr/f, cycle class t/tr, and walk as often as I can, weather permitting. The change I'll have to make is to make sure I get some cardio on wed and Saturday, even if it's too cold for a walk. I am hoping to walk unless it's extreeeeemely cold. 

I've questioned to myself whether this is enough to get results, and I just have to trust that it is. One aspect to keep in mind is that (most likely) I'll be coming to the end of the weight loss part of my journey, and beginning the focus on performance and toning part of my journey. At that point, the calorie defecit doesn't need to be as great, and so, for the brief time the cold is an issue, I'm gonna be ok. :-) the hard part is gonna be staying content at this level and not starting to pile on. 

This plan also supports a desire for me to shift from fitness being something that consumes me (as it had to be when I was sorting out my routine) to just an aspect of my life. I feel comfortable with the time in putting in and am hoping to continue to progress without putting in tons of time. So, yeah. I feel good. 

Athleticism

I always thought being an athlete meant you were good at sports, or at least a particular sport. While it absolutely can mean that, I've learned over the past 30 months that the definition of athleticism is not so limited. I see now that being an athlete is equally about mental toughness to match the physical. It's the getting up at 5 or 6 to make sure you get the training time you need. It's pushing past your comfort zone to reach your potential. It's seeing roadblocks to your goals but not turning around or throwing in the towel. I've never been good at any organized team sports, but I am am athlete. I don't battle an opponent on a field of play, but the voice in my own head that says I can't. When I ride, it's not against a competitor beside me, but against myself the week before. Each day I push a little harder, a little further, and I'm doing things I never thought I could.  I am an athlete, and I won't sell myself short anymore. 

I've also been thinking of how this affects my parenting. If Lexi is like I was as a child, gawky, clumsy, uncoordinated, hopeless at sports in PE, am I going to write her off as lacking athleticism? Nope! I'll search with her to find where her strength lies. By the time she's old enough to even be aware of these things, she will have been exposed to all of my physical pursuits, and probably done a lot of yoga. :-) I feel like Yoga is the BEST foundation for discovery of your body, and from there I'll help her branch into whatever catches her interest. I will teach her to challenge her body, to help it be its healthiest internally, and that the product of that work externally is beautiful and worthy of love, no matter the shape she takes. The important thing is to care for herself so she can live her healthiest life. 

Surreal and unbelievable...

So, all the size 10 jeans I bought 3 weeks ago are now loose on me. It's both an exciting and disappointing thing, in that I am proud of my hard work, but I also JUST got them! After literally years stuck at an 18, I thought getting back into the size I wore in high school would be a longer stop along the way. And, I mean, if I shop anywhere but old navy (which I usually don't) it probably will. But, I'm actually gonna be ready for those 8's (or smaller) when the end of the month rolls around. That's crazy. 

Another thing that's crazy is that I *know* I'm smaller, but my belly still drives me up a wall. I just feel like those abs I want are never gonna happen-and realistically I'm not ready for them anyway, cuz I want more kids-but do I really have to keep this pooch? I don't know how much is fat and how much is extra skin, but I want both gone, tightened, whatever. Trying to be fair to myself though, and celebrate a level of fitness that already surpasses that of any other point in my life! 

Undefeated

I woke up this morning feeling really down. Just like I'd lost without even having a chance to try. 3 hours (and a lot of tears) later, I still don't know why. I know some of the things that are weighing on my heart, and maybe it was the combination of being really tired physically that made them all converge, but it's still frustrating to start a day this way. I really had to fight through my workout-it took an extra 6 min of pausing to catch my breath throughout- but I finished it. That got me thinking on how I can turn this day around. Instead of letting all the thoughts and fears (mainly missing a particular friend and this [totally unfounded] fear of never having another baby) beat me and defeat me, I need to focus on the fact that I am NOT defeated. I have not let myself be stopped by fear or sadness. I have not run to the wrong things for solace from hurt and fear, I've faced what's ahead with determination, given it my all, and not quit until it's done. This morning, that meant getting up and pushing through a really tough workout when I wanted to lay in bed and cry. Other days, it means other things, some less tangible. Every day it means not letting the darkness win. On that front, I remain undefeated. 

Results day!

Here are my results since 2/15:

Lbs lost: 22 (10 between these pics though) 

Pant sizes: 3

Waist:5.5 in

Hips: 5 in

Thighs:4 in each

Ribcage: 4 in

Confidence, energy, sense of self gained: immeasurable and growing. I've got 5 weeks left on this round of the program, then I start again and really work on shredding. :-) leveling up today and feeling tired, nervous, and crampy, but determined! 

Serendipity and a fantastic trip

Our trip to Nebraska to visit my grandma was perfect. Lexi travelled like a champ, bonded beautifully with my brother as her travel buddy, and fussed only 20 minutes of the entire 44 hours round trip in the car. We had a perfect day at the zoo, got to help my grandma around the house, and be spoiled by her! 

My grandma is also an amazing cook, and I ate plenty at every meal.  Not overmuch, but not a restricted amount either. I worked out some, but obviously not to the level I do here at home. These things made me dread what the scale would say when we got home....

But in a beautiful example of serendipity, when I tried on the pair of jeans I kept as the marker of the smallest I've been since 05, they fit, and looser than they had when I actually wore them in December '11. Then this morning I stepped on the scale, and whaddya know? I lost a pound on vacation. Woohoo!!!

This morning I get back to my routine, and I gotta say, I'm dragging. How can 2 days in the car leave me so wiped? I've gotta find the strength to charge through the 35 min with Jillian and then I can enjoy my day. Right now though, I just wanna go back to bed. 

New workouts, new goals

Yesterday I leveled up on my JMBR-2 weeks before I planned to. I just felt ready, and I'd been doing level 3 4x longer than it was designed to be done if you count the weeks I did it in June. It was time. From here out, I'm going to use the program as designed, 2 weeks at a time, with the exception of this current phase because of our trip. I'm going to give it an extra week when we get back. My trouble with only doing each workout 4 times has been that I like to master them, and since they are quite difficult, I just can't do that in 4 tries. I've solved that in my mind finally by planning to, on 12/1, start my second round of JMBR. I'll start at workout 3&4 and work my way up, finishing again on valentine's day. Hopefully by then I'll be able to do some of these push up variations that are messing with me now. ;-) 

Since I reached my September/October goal, I need to set a new one. It's hard for me to set a weight loss goal, because my fat/muscle swap is unpredictable and in short term, the scale has proven to be a pretty inaccurate measure of my success and fitness. For example-I'm down 42 lbs from my highest-which is awesome, but only 5 from my post partum weight, but I'm down 2-3 sizes from my post partum size. The next 5 lbs are not gonna give me 2-3 sizes!  So, instead of a concrete weight loss goal for the next 8 weeks, here is my goal: 

****

I want to fit the same jeans that I tried on in my last post in a size 8 by 12/1. 

****

One size, 2 months. I feel like that's reasonable. And, that's my goal size, so if I do it, it's just refining and swapping fat for muscle from there! 

I do still want to see 150 on the scale, and maybe that will happen before I get pregnant again, maybe not. I feel like putting a date on that, for me, is just unfair, so I'll keep tracking my weight, but let the inches be my measure. 

Goal met!

These are the size 10 jeans that were my October 7 goal. They fit comfortably! Woot woooot! Tentative goal for another size lost is 12/2 the Monday I start round 2 of JMBR. It's also the Monday after thanksgiving, but I really don't see that making a difference. 

Friday thoughts

I'm feeling a lot of feelings today. Disappointment because I thought my period came for a hot minute yesterday, but later realized no, just more of the same spotting that's been going on 3.5 weeks now...

Accomplishment because of how I've kicked butt at my workouts this week. Right now I'm exhaust and sore, but proud. 

Discouragement that weight hasn't been and isn't falling off as quickly as I'd like, but more discouragement that my period is now 13 days late. I know God can overcome my lack of a cycle and that there isn't any obstacle to interfere when he is ready for us to have another baby, but it's still hard and I feel like my body is just broken. How did I live so many years in this limbo while TTC? I know i struggled with it, but it seems so much worse this month. Maybe I was used to it or numb. I'm okay with not being pregnant yet, but it leeches hope from me to not even be moving in that direction. 

And finally, I'm thinking/feeling this, which is hard to define. I feel like maybe this is God giving me time to accomplish and reach a goal that I've been pushing toward for a long 10 years at least. I feel like the end of my weight loss journey is in reach. I still have the general 150 number as my goal, but I don't know if I will end up that low. I do feel, however, that if I'm not pregnant too soon, I can get to my maintenance weight-the weight at which my body can feel like mine again and I can just focus on strength, toning, and performance. That's my real goal at this point. To get somewhere I can generally  maintain during pregnancy and return to postpartum and build upon.  So, yeah, if I get an extra month or 2 (or whatever,though it's hard to think about) to go hard and achieve my goals, that's awesome. I'm really gonna try to make the most of this time and not focus on the brokenness of my reproductive system.

Sustainability.

I think the hardest part of fitness for me is  consistency. There's the part that's momentum and habit, and I've basically sorted that out-I need to do *some* sort of exercise daily, even if it's a very light walk. The harder part, particularly for maintaining one's progress, is sustainability. If you're working out at 4h a day to lose weight, you're only gonna be able to do that so long before it's just not practical or necessary. Take it from someone who knows. ;-) this time around I've really tried to tweak my weight loss plan into something that could morph into a healthy lifestyle habit when I'm done losing weight-which I think will be this calendar year! More on that in another post. Right now I'm doing 35 min 4x a week of this JMBR program. God willing, I'm going to finish that by the end of this Calendar year, and provided I'm not pregnant, I'll be transitioning into a toning/maintenance phase of my fitness journey. If I was working out 4 hours a day still, I'd have a lot of questions along the likes of where to make cuts, but since I've stripped down my program, my routine/time spent need not change. I'll probably swap out walking for a cardio game or DVD when the weather is too cold, but everything else can stay the same: early morning DVD (I've plenty to choose from!), light cardio, cycle on Tuesday/Thursday. I'm really happy about that. I'm someone who likes to do a lot of different types of workout, so I'm looking forward to exploring yoga and re-exploring my other DVDs. :-)

So much is changing...

I've written this week already about the results I've gotten on the scale (4 lbs in a week!!!) and I've mentioned the changes in my performance, but there's more! In the fall of 2011 I had SO much energy even with working out 4h a day, and I've been frustrated lately because I'm only averaging half that long of a workout each day and have been struggling to do more than exercise, care for Lexi, and cook. Well, I think that's changing! Today is my rest day, which usually means I lay around and do nothing due to my sore muscles, but today, I have done a bunch of housework AND taken a long hot bath already! Lexi slept in late and is just now eating breakfast, and I'm working on the kitchen before making my weekly giant batch of breakfast cookies. After (my and Scott's) lunch Lexi and I will take our daily walk, and during her nap I'll bake the cookies. I'm excited at what a productive mama I'm becoming. Thank God for renewed health! 

I did an extra weigh in this morning...

...deciding if it was bad it didn't count because I worked out yesterday, only Monday weigh ins count,  blah blah. This picture is what I saw. I am half ecstatic, half afraid. First- HOORAY FOR ME I'm in the 170's! Second-but is it a fluke? Will it just come back after the rest of the week of working out? Third- well my jeans fit a lot better...my waist is measuring a half inch smaller...I can't really do anything to control how my body reacts or adapts along this journey, except to keep eating well and working to get stronger. 

A good day.

I wanted to make a point of writing today, because most often you hear from me when I'm discouraged and frustrated, and not every day is like that.

Today is especially good because it marks what I hope is the beginning of progress. I stepped on the scale and I am officially DOWN 2.4 lbs! I haven't been great about measuring so notes on losses there will have to be noted in the weeks to come. 

My energy level is improving finally, probably owing to a better sleep/food/workout balance. I'm gonna stick with this program exactly as is until our trip to Nebraska, and while we are there (minus cycle). When we get back, i'll level up on JMBR and keep up the walking and cycle. 

I'm going to add in some gentle stretching yoga time in the evenings, hopefully to improve my recovery and lengthen my muscles. I really miss doing yoga but my usual practice and JMBR don't really go together. If I'm patient, though I'll get to do plenty of yoga when I'm pregnant. Doing better about leaving that whole thing in God's hands. I have moments where I feel low on hope, where I feel heartbroken and afraid that I won't get to carry and birth and care for another baby, but I am really seeking to banish those feelings!

I am so blessed, and so thankful, and though I strive toward new things I am noless thankful for all that I have! 

Struggling to be optimistic.

I've been doing increased calories/replacing calories for a week now. I'm staying off the scale till at least Monday to give it a fair shake. I feel like I've got my exercise tweaked to the right place, which is great. I plan on a level up on JMBR when we get home from Nebraska in 3 weeks. I miss my yoga, and hopefully I'll work it back in eventually, but right now I feel like it would be overtraining. 

I gotta say though, I'm pretty discouraged. I just don't see anything changing based on this. I was getting some inch loss results for awhile in the spring,  but I just feel I've been stuck for soooo long it's hard to see a way past what feels like a tremendous failure. 

On the positive side, I'm definitely getting stronger and more fit! My performance in Cycle class has continued to amaze me, and I have much better endurance in my JMBR workouts. I'm doing more reps on the exercises I struggled with that on, and have started doing some of the less bothersome cardio intervals. I did most of the plank rows today in full plank instead of on my knees! I'm excited to see what I can accomplish the next 3 weeks before I level up! 

I have about an inch thick layer of fat around my midsection-a little thicker over my belly, and that's really what I'd like to see change. I'm fine with my thighs touching-I don't like it, but it's not a huge deal-but I really hate looking like a barrel in the midsection. I feel like overall I have a body that looks very strong and I love that.  Sure, I'd like more separation between my thighs, and no arm flap, but those things would be easier to deal with if I could lose some belly fat. I guess we all have that one area that plagues us. 

Five days in

And I'm still struggling to wrap my head around this. I've been working under the concept of eating at a 1000 calorie defecit AND working out on top of it for so long that it's really scary to me to eat back most or all of my workout calories. I'm scared my body is just gonna balloon. 

Today  is a tremendous calorie day because I did an extra Jillian Michaels workout to make up for missing yesterday. According to all this new math, I need to eat 3100 calories today to net 1600. That's insane. I'm pretty sure I'll hit 2600 at least. 

How long do you guys think it'll take before I know if this is working? 

Does this sound right?

A friend suggested the other day that I was undereating for the workouts I do and it really got me thinking. I discussed it with a few other friends today, and they all (and my LoseIt! and MyFitnessPal apps) agree that I should be eating calories to cover the calories I'm burning from exercise.  

Here's what I mean: 

-Say I set my calorie intake goal at 1600 calories (to create a defecit to allow me to lose about 2lbs a week while nursing). 

-but I also burn 1000 calories on a day I exercise. 

My old method was to eat the 1600 calories. Period. Rinse, repeat. I thought maybe I should add 1-200 cal to see if that helped.

HOWEVER... 

My friends (and my apps) say that if I burn 1000 calories working out I need to now eat 2600 calories so my defecit remains at 1000. (Because apparently the larger defecit has put me in starvation mode).

Is this correct? Have I been doing it wrong????

I still don't know what's wrong.

I know I'm getting stronger, and my athletic performance is improving-I've covered that before. This week I've pushed through new barriers and worked out harder than I have maybe ever-2 years ago I was putting in more time (17h a week vs 8-9) but with less intensity(6.5) of those 9h are spent at 60-85+ of my mhr, vs 3), so I am working both smarter and harder I think. 

However, I'm not losing weight or inches. seriously. I've been and still am trying to be patient, because it takes my body a couple weeks usually to catch up when I start working out consistently, but it's been 5 solid weeks of working out 3-5x a week-HARD-and if possible, I feel like I'm getting bigger. So frustrating. Like I said, still trying to be patient, but I'm getting pretty discouraged. I've got 17 days left till my mini goal and I've been doing everything I can to get there but I'm starting to lose hope. Not giving up, but really need to get some payoff from this soon. 

A few things I hope help:

-I may have been overtraining, so I'm dropping the yoga from 4x to twice a week for awhile. I love love love my yoga, but it may have been overtaxing me a bit on top of the interval training and cycle. I am going to try to take a nice walk with Lexi as often as I can though-burning extra calories but without the added soreness.

-I'm making strides in getting my sleep on track. Trying to get to bed at 10 each night and up by 7. Today I got up at 543! Since then I've nursed Lexi, had breakfast, spent an hour knitting, done my HIIT workout, nursed Lexi again, and fed her a freshly cooked breakfast. All by 930! A few weeks ago I'd still be in bed right now! 

 -I'm trying to eat a little more. I'm still nursing Lexi, and I'm clearly not one of those mamas who lose weight from nursing: :-P however, my body is still doing the work, and it may be in famine mode with all the exercise I'm doing. So...I'm not sure how much more, but I'm trying to eat enough to reassure my systems that all is well. Blargh. Skeptical. 

Anyway, that's where I am. Performance improving by leaps and bounds, measurable fat loss? Nooooope. Really hoping this turns around soon. 

This is not a pregnancy announcement.

It's an exercise I'm doing to document this process and this time in our lives. One of the tools I'm using during this "waiting time" is visualization. I'm a worrywart, and easily discouraged, so I'm going to start talking to our Baby Two now, possibly (probably) before he or she has even been conceived. I can't dream another baby into existence, but if I think of pregnancy/meeting this child as a "when" rather than an "if", hopefully a lot of fear will be diminished. So. Here goes. 

Dear Baby Two

Today I'm wondering if you're already growing inside me. I've been very tired the past few days, and a little nauseous and moody too. I've had a few other signs that something *might* be going on too, and I'm not sure how to feel about them. It gives me hope and yet I don't want to hope *too* much and be heartbroken. So, today and every day, little one, I'm going to pray. For you, whenever God decides to give you to us, that your body and systems will be healthy and strong.  for me, in the meantime, that God will make my body a ready and healthy place for you to grow, that He will make my heart focused on Him and joyful and content with the many blessings he's given me-like your Daddy and your wonderful beautiful sister. You will love Lexi, little one. She is sweet, funny, smart, and brave. I know she will love you too. Whenever you meet her. 

Weird day.

I've been dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil the past few weeks, in regard to getting pregnant and my fitness. I know my fitness is improving, as I've talked about at length here, but I'm just not getting smaller, and definitely not at a rate to match what I'm putting into it. I'm not giving up though. I'm just really really tired. 

I got up at 7 when my alarm went off and fed Lexi then ate breakfast and had some good devotional time. Then all emotional hell broke loose. I don't want to talk about it. I'm still kinda mad. 

I felt-and still feel-utterly spent by 9am. I know God doesn't want me feeling this way. I know He wants me to take joy in each moment of living this life He has given me, each day full of so much promise. I have 70 solid minutes of working out that I have to do before 5 pm. I'd like to go for a walk too, but those 70 min are nonnegotiable. But all I want is to go back to bed and start this day over and not open my Facebook. 

I mean, something has to happen, right?

So, three weeks of exercising 5x a week at increasing intensity under my belt, I'm not really noticing much of a difference in my body itself. I wrote the other day about my performance improving, and that's fantastic. However, I'm not someone who can be content with just performing better. I would be so irritated to be someone who can kick butt in spin class but looks like a couch potato. 

I've extended my results goal date to October 7-not because I feel I need the extra time, but because October 1 is on a Tuesday. Plus, even though I'm not playing, I know of a DietBet game that started today and I'm curious to see what I can do during the same time period. 

I'm about to do my Jillian Michaels and my Yoga for today-a new yoga DVD!-and I'm definitely feeling I'd rather nap. But I'm gonna so this and kick butt at it. When Lexi gets up we will go for a nice long walk. Definitely shooting for about 1k-1200 cal burn today. 

Updates, milestones, goals...

I'm about to get my Jillian and yoga in for the day so i'll try to make this quick. 

Update 1: tomorrow finishes my third consecutive week of consistent exercise after the insanity that was July and the first half of August. The first week started slow -just walking-cuz I had my period, yadda yadda. Last week was walking, yoga, and cycle class twice. This week I've done cycle twice, taken walks, and in about two hours ill have done Jillian Michaels workouts 4 times and yoga twice. Next week is my final ramp up week where ill start doing yoga 4x a week instead and keep this schedule until I need to start my pregnancy schedule. (As soon as 4 weeks!) I'm hoping to keep doing cycle through my first trimester in addition to yoga and walking. 

Update 2:(now with milestones!) I really think I'm in the best shape of my life. Like, better than when I was first pregnant with Lexi. My strength and endurance in cycle class have skyrocketed since I started about 2 years ago (with a 13 month break in the middle.) In sept 2011 I was warming up at gear(resistance level) 5-6, my flat road was 8, my normal climb level was 11, and my heavy climb was 14. The past 2 weeks I've been warming up at a 7-8, flat road at 11, normal climb at 13, heavy climb at 17-18. Even more than that, there is a big difference in how I am able to follow the instructors' cues. I used to be able to stay standing about 60% of the time I was asked to, and added a gear about 70% of the time. Last night I realized I followed every one of Bob's cues to stand or sit and only didn't add a gear twice. (So about 90% on that.) that on top of the huge increases in my ability to work with heavier gear. I'm feeling pretty accomplished there. 

I mentioned some of my goals in update 1, but here are my more broad ones: 

1. Consistency. Must do what is on the calendar every day from here on out. I got my workouts in in Monday even with a family gathering. No excuses.

2. I'd really like to be a size 10 (for the first time in 8 years) by 10/1. I don't care what the scale says. This is likely my last size goal for awhile due to...

3. I'd really really really like to get pregnant in the next few months. And...

4. I need to, at the very least do yoga 5x a week through my entire pregnancy. I'm going to try to keep cycling through the first trimester(like I did with Lexi) and walk as often as possible. 

Prayers for the above goals (mostly 3-4) greatly appreciated. Xoxo

Just some thoughts/feelings I need to get out.

I am totally ready to have another baby. Or, as ready as you can be. Lexi is growing up beautifully, and is more independent by the day. Her newborn days seem so long ago and far away, though I know she still needs me very much. I've lost all the weight and inches I gained growing her, though my tummy is mooshier than it was. Some days-many days-I struggle with the size I am, which really means the shape of my midsection, but in the scheme of all the waiting it took to become Lexi's mama, I know it's a tiny price to pay, even if its permanent, which I don't plan on letting it be. I'm not pregnant yet, but hope to be fairly soon. God willing before the end of the year. It would be an amazing gift to get to spend another Christmas reminded of the first Christmas Gift by having new life growing inside me. 

There are fears, too. I'm a little afraid I won't be able to get pregnant again, though I feel a strong sense that this is going to happen on its own this time. There is also the fear of another loss. I thought and hoped that after Lexi this one would be gone, but it isn't. The solution to it is the same as it's always been though. God has it. I don't need to try to control it, because He has me in his arms and loves me. I'm praying every day that he will remind me of that and build confidence and security in me, not in myself, but in Him, His Love, and the perfection of His plan. 

There are things I want to do differently in my next pregnancy too. Not huge changes, but some things to help myself prepare for birth and hopefully recover quicker after a little better. I am going to continue my fitness routine through my first trimester, including cycle class twice a week. After that, I will continue walking at least 3-5 days a week and doing 30-60 min of yoga 4 days a week through the rest of my pregnancy. I allowed my paranoia to rob me of really taking care of myself last time, and I can't do that this time. 

I'm not pregnant yet though, so for now it's yoga, cycle, walking, and Jillian Michaels workouts! Hard work! Dedication! 

How do I find contentment without ceasing to strive?

A little over a week ago I started working out again after a month off, at a slightly less intense pace. It was going great until I had my legs knocked from under me by fatigue. So I haven't worked out since Tuesday, and won't really get a chance to till this Tuesday because we are going out of town. 

Because of all of this, I'm feeling like I am never ever gonna get the rest of this weight off. Part of me is really frustrated and depressed that it's been such slow going, and the other part is like "Hey, go easier on yourself, you're still nursing, and your body is hanging on to that weight to make sure you can nourish Lexi!" And I get that-I really do. I just don't want to give up on the things I want for myself just because I'm a mom. I am perfectly ok with knowing that it could be another 3-5 years before I have abs again (since we are about to start work on baby 2, and hope there will be a baby 3 down the road about the same distance), but I'm not ok with giving up on or stopping work toward that long term goal. Slow and steady is fine with me, especially as we start TTC again, but I don't want to stop progressing or lose ground on my health or fitness even while I'm pregnant. I'm going to take Lexi on lots of walks, and carve out Yoga time, even when I can't spin or Zumba anymore. I must do this for me. 

Lactivism and what I really think.

If you're my friend on Facebook or know me in real life, you know I'm passionate about Breastfeeding. Yeah, I'm a bit of a "lactivist". I'll wear that label proudly. But here, in this post, I want to clear up what that does and doesn't mean to me and what my Breastfeeding experience has been like so far and what I'd like it to be in the future.  

First, because I know some of you may have the wrong idea about where I stand: 

- I DO believe that mama's milk is the very best nutrition for a baby for as long as its possible to provide it. There is no one "correct" age to wean.

-I  DO NOT believe that formula is the devil or that mamas who go that route have failed their children-particularly those mamas who tried to nurse their babies. 

-I DO believe that with more support and education more mamas would be able to successfully nurse their children. 

- I DO believe that mamas should be able to comfortably and unharassedly be able to nurse our babies anywhere we choose, as is our legal right in 45 states. I will not allow anyone to shame me or stop me.

-I DO NOT believe that this means we have the right to be insensitive and flaunt our bare breasts everywhere. The important thing is feeding our babies, not  making a point. 

If I seem a little extreme and passionate, it's because nursing and learning constantly more about its benefits for both mother and child just amaze me every day, and I want to share. I apologize if it bothers or annoys, but I hope this helps you understand where I'm coming from. 

Formula mamas: it's not you I feel combative against, it's the way our culture has taught us that formula is "the way it's done" and subconsciously ended many possible Breastfeeding relationships before they began. I believe in you and your ability to nourish your baby and it bugs me that there is such a knee-jerk reaction to give up instead of easier access to support, encouragement and resources to help you nurse as long as is right for you and your baby. I don't judge your decisions, I just wish more women could experience the reward and benefit of nursing. 

My experience has been amazing. The first time Lexi nursed she took to it amazingly. 10 minutes on one side, five on the other. Then she napped and napped-for 4 hours she just refused to wake up! (My labor was really really long and she was active the whole time, so she was tuckered out!) when she did wake, she was frantically hungry, and not willing to do the work to latch. I tried for an hour before calling a nurse to help. She gave me a nipple shield, and Lexi latched like magic. I was warned it could cause problems with her nursing efficiency, but she gained weight like a champ, I had an epic supply, and we were golden. She has been healthy all but 3 days of her life, and is still mostly getting her nutrition from nursing, though she eats some solids. Our bond is amazing, and it's incredibly gratifying to see how God used my body to continue to grow her from 7-22 lbs since she's been born. She hated taking a bottle (maybe because it was rare) and is just now starting to show interest in her cup.

I hope to keep nursing Lexi as long as she likes. My goal is at least till her second birthday. There are a few factors that may interfere with that:

-if she self-weans sooner. I see no sign of this happening soon. Lexi loves her milk!

-if I get pregnant and the milk goes away. 

-if we decide we need clomid again to get pregnant. (Current plan is to wait on this until she's two or weaned) 

Lately I've been daydreaming about tandem nursing. I feel like it'd be a great way for Lexi and the new baby to bond and a way to teach her that she's not being replaced by baby, she just gets to share mama with the baby now. 

So...now you know! 

Reflection on my first year of mamahood

Let me preface this: I am not writing any of this to brag, nor do I want to communicate that I, my child, or my life is perfect. I hate when people only share the positive stuff online because it tends to subconsciously shame those of us who have negative feelings from time to time. So: Lexi does have her frustrating moments, I have serious body image issues, and there are moments I want the freedom of the first 30 years of my life back (where I could work out 4h a day every day and not miss out on anything...) but I wouldn't trade this new life for anything. 

Motherhood has come easy to me. It is the most natural thing I've ever experienced. Again, not bragging- I can't brag about something I didn't accomplish. See, if you know me, you've heard me say it: I was made for this. I've kinda always known it, but a year and fifteen days ago, it became reality.

  I should have known when I was pregnant and suddenly everything became about growing and protecting this little person inside me. Small choices that a much more selfish previous me would have agonized over (like would it really hurt to drink this tea, or does my

10th anniversary steak really have to be well done?" Both could reasonably be answered "no, go ahead") became no brainers to me-because I wanted to take no unnecessary risks. Now, I was a little (a lot) over anxious, but that's not my point. I had an incredibly easy and comfortable pregnancy. Toward the end, I was always asked or told "you're ready, aren't you? ""Tired of being pregnant yet" and it drove me crazy. I'll get into why in a moment. I always answered the same way,  "I'm ready to meet her, but I feel great, and I just want her to come when she's ready." Pregnancy was bliss, and I was so excited to meet Lexi, but I felt it'd be so selfish to rush her arrival. 

My labor was incredibly long, and had a few complications, but was as calm and undramatic as it could be under those circumstances. It was incredibly empowering, and I hope I never ever forget the first moment I saw, then Held Lexi. I remember her tiny bum in my hand, her head between my breasts, and her still goopy, fresh from the womb smell in my nostrils. She was *mine*. I had never felt or known anything so powerfully. I got them to do the required monitoring of her for the first couple hours in the room with her in my arms, and when they did have to take her to see the doctor and be bathed, I felt a bit bereft. I took a nap,(I had been awake 72h at that point)  and the moment I woke an hour later my first thought was to cry out "where's my baby?!?!" Maybe all this sounds normal to you, maybe not. All I know is the moment she was born it felt like my whole life and my whole self made sense. I'd always felt like a failure at all I'd attempted. I always felt like I couldn't get anything right, but when I looked at Lexi, when I held her and she looked at me, turned to my voice the very first day, nursed perfectly on the first try-I knew that all those years of percieved failure were like a fish trying to walk on land-someone tell 8 year old me that at 30, she's gonna realize she *is* Ariel from Little Mermaid! I spent all those years dreaming and feeling like I didn't belong under the sea of college, career (I tried a few), and other things, when I was waiting for my Heavenly Father to give me Legs and make me who I was meant to be. It's not the best analogy, but it's one that speaks to me in a strange way. 

  Everyone and their mother told me how hard and exhausting having a newborn/infant is, and how little sleep you get. That wasn't the case for me. (Don't hate, please!) Lexi started sleeping through the night (a six hour stretch) regularly at eleven days old. I was only sleep deprived the first week or so, and even that was mostly because of my labor. I kept waiting for that overwhelmed "what do I do now?" feeling to come. It never did. I just knew. I knew when she was hungry, tired, wet...she almost never cried, so when she did, I knew what to do, I guess. There were about 5x in those first few months that she cried more than 5 minutes, and all of them involved her being awake more than she should have or me trying to feed her a bottle-this child is a breast only girl, tyvm. She was an easy baby, and we were bonded. One of my very favorite memories of the early weeks (and basically my entire life, really) was when Lexi was 3 weeks old and my mom had come to spend a few days with us. Lexi was sleeping in a Moses basket next to our bed, so when she needed a change in the night I had to walk across the apartment to her room, which I never minded really. As I was walking back to our room at about 530 AM, my mom came up to me, tears in her eyes, voice breaking, and said "you are such a good Mama. It does my heart so good to see it." Wow. It's not that my mother isn't a kind or encouraging woman-she is! But when you are a first time mama and you want so badly to make your own mama proud, that's just the best thing you could hear. 

  Breastfeeding came easy for me too. Sorry. I wince when other mamas talk about "you know how hard it can be" because the only problems I've had have been in my head, like my desperate "dip" in April. I'm gonna write another blog post about nursing though-this one is gonna be long enough! 

When Lexi was about 4 months old, we were at a friend's house for the first time since Lexi was born, and the friend said she'd never seen a mother and child who were so "one" with each other. This made me beam. There have been things I've agonized over-namely vaccines. I still

don't like doing it, don't wanna, but I do, mostly because Scott feels like we should. Mostly, though, I've relied on that  one-ness with Lexi and knowing her and sensing her needs and ignored any books or culturally prescribed timeline. 

With food, for example. Lexi was exclusively breastfed until she was 8 months old other than a dab of something on my fingertip. At that point we started a little Baby Led Weaning, because I was concerned she wasn't getting enough milk. Turned out she was getting plenty, because most days she wouldn't eat more than a bite or 2 of any solid on a given day. When she was about 10.5 months old, she started gobbling all the purees I'd give her for a week or 2, but then started getting mad when I wouldn't let her feed herself and refusing to eat. I then figured out a few things she could feed herself safely (a challenge, because even now she only has two teeth), but she still really prefers nursing to solids, and there are some days that solids don't happen. Lexi is growing beautifully, is in the 75-95 percentile on everything, and I have no concerns. 

We also co-slept in the big bed from when she was 2-7 months. this was one of the best unconventional decisions we made. everyone got great sleep, Lexi got to nurse when she needed, we got lots of bonding. Then, when we stopped sleeping so well (mostly when i did) we moved her into her crib. it was a mostly painless process, and one we did gently-no rush, no cry it out. 

Honestly, I think the "knowing and immersing myself in my child" method of parenting rather than following what "everyone" says is the "right" way is one of the biggest reasons this has come easy. Another is that Lexi is just an easy easy happy little girl. A few friends say that has a lot to do with her needs being met so well. I dunno, but I thank God for the blessing that is my daughter's spirit every single day.

The other thing that I think has made motherhood come so easy to me is that I waited, cried, begged, and lost so much in the process of becoming a mother (a story for another day/post) that I see every single moment, diaper, and middle of the night wake up as a blessing. I LIVE for this! I may not enjoy it in the moment always, but I also know what it's like NOT to have these things in my life. 

 I read a blog post the other day (that has now been shared on fb by two mothers of four who are younger than me), that kinda inspired me to finally get these thoughts out. The jist of the post was that this mama of five is often asked by mothers of one or two "how do you do it?" In the sense of they can't imagine the work of having so many children, and her response through her blog post is that having any number of children wears you out and mamas of one or two are doing good work too! Awesome, part of me thought! What a humble way of thinking of it! Another part of me was annoyed and a little depressed. See, I never look at those moms with 4, 5, more children and ask "how do you do it?" I look at them and crave what they have. The boundless possibility, the opportunities to love, to experience the world anew daily. I'm not clueless about the work involved, either. I'm the oldest of four, and being quite a bit older than my siblings, I got a very real taste of having many toddlers to take care of. It's really hard for me on a few levels when moms (especially of many kids) complain about how hard it is or just about their kids. One part of me knows that she is hurting and I want to help her not be so hard on herself. Another part wants to help her see how much it hurts women like me and women like who I was 2 years ago who ache for what they have and may never have it to hear what at least *sounds* like them being very ungrateful for all they've been blessed with. For me it's like "oh I won the lottery and all this money is such a buuuurden" I know most of them aren't ungrateful, but it can come across that way, and I'm really trying to work on being patient and loving them rather than project my own pain. 

So, yeah, I feel almost guilty sometimes because I only have good things to say about motherhood. I want you to know I don't think I'm better than you at all. We all have our own stories and struggles. And if you feel the need to tell me "Just wait..." don't. Seriously. I am so very sick of hearing that. I've been sick of it since I first got pregnant. Guess what? Not one ounce of anyone's "helpful warnings" have come true. I'm not 18 years old having a baby and naive enough to tho I it's all rainbows and lollipops. I know there will be painful times on the parenting journey, but I don't need to spoil the sunshine of today by dreading them. 

For now, I'm gonna let my daughter cover me with kisses, bask in her laughter, and feel my hear swell when she signs "milk" for the 90th time today. 

Armband Woes

So after Christmas I finally got my Jillian Michaels BodyMedia FIT armband. Since then I've developed a love/hate relationship with it. 

Love: all the data feedback and all the things it tracks: calories burned, minutes of exercise, whether that exercise was moderate or vigorous, steps taken, sleep duration, sleep efficiency, and more. 

Hate: it tracks most of those things, most of the time, but not reliably. I tore up a 40 min training session at 8 yesterday morning, but my armband picked up nothing. Later, I did 50 min of Zumba at full force-my armband tracked 30 min of activity, but the majority at a moderate (walking) heart rate. It did however give me a few minutes of walking credit for pacing while on the phone with my sister. :-P Don't get me started on when I go to cycle class. It literally doesn't track during that time. At all. I looked it up online, and it's a known issue on the mfr website. Something about arm position during this activity.They suggest repositioning the armband during spin classes. Well ain't nobody got time to remember that. Plus, I've got this horrible ring around my warm from it chafing after only 3 days of wear (I  have only used it sporadically due to my annoyance with the unreliable nature) and the Velcro isn't super grippy so sometimes it comes loose. I paid $150 for this thing. None of these issues are ok.

It might sound like I hate it more than I love it, but that's not exactly true. I want to make this relationship work, because the Device has a lot of great qualities. I think though, that I'm gonna have to get a dedicated heart rate monitor to get a better idea of what I'm really accomplishing. 

Perking up!

I started exercising again on Wednesday, (just Zumba and yoga so far) and I'm already pretty much addicted. I'm sure I've said it before, but exercise is a drug for me. I love the high I get from it, and I want more and more of it. I don't mean to a point where I'm compulsive, but enough that I'm motivated to stick with it as long as I can maintain a consistent schedule. Taking a month off is no bueno. 

Today I did my first full 60+ minute Zumba class (in Xbox) and when I finished, I was drenched in sweat, wiped out, sore, but energized and strangely, hungry for more. I was flagging and struggling by the end, but I really can't wait till Monday so I can work out. I'll do some yoga stretching tomorrow, but I know from the past that if I overdo it i'll burn out. I'm going back to cycle Tuesday/Thursday, so this week I'm only gonna Zumba MWFSa. Yoga and JMBR MTThF will round out this coming week. Any support as I get back on track is appreciated! 

Confusing.

Last Friday I hit my lowest weight since before I got pregnant. (I hit my lowest in 8 years while pregnant.) I was really excited, since I haven't worked out since June and hasn't weighed myself in ages. Then I saw some pictures from when we took Lexi to play in the fountain at a local mall. I looked HUGE (for me) in these pictures, and not at all the way I look in the mirror. I'm confused, frustrated, and a little heartbroken. I know part of it is the way my skin hasn't pulled back in around my middle, but it looks like fat and makes me want to cry and throw up. I don't want to look like a supermodel. I just want to be healthy and not cringe when I see pictures of myself with Lexi. 

Possible TMI but an important health/fertility milestone.

I got my period today. One week and two days before Lexi's first birthday. Almost 21 months to the day since my last one. I'm having so many emotional reactions. Sadness, because somehow it feels like a mark of the end of Lexi's babyhood, relief and hope because it feels like my body is doing what it should, which bodes well for hope for more babies...and I'm not sure what else. I do know that I feel so thankful for Lexi and all I'm blessed with through her and the miracle that is her life every day. I think this reminds me of that too. 

Loving my Body:Step 3

I need to stop beating myself up mentally. If I miss a workout, or sleep in late, or eat a non-paleo dessert, I am not a failure. Today I intentionally slept in. I have worked out so hard this week (and I'm not done yet!) but my body clock hasn't quite shifted, so I haven't been falling asleep until close to midnight, and this can be a real problem when I'm getting up at 7AM. Because I woke up at 630 feeling so run down, I decided that today I needed to sleep in. And, y'know what? That's OK! It doesn't make me weak or lazy or undisciplined, it means I'm taking care of all aspects of my health, and not running my body into the ground! I'm still going to do my interval training today, go to the pool with Lexi, maybe take a walk this evening and do some Yoga. I'm just doing it on a little more sleep. 

Loving my body for real in baby steps, and step 1&2

Yesterday I read an incredible blog post ( http://revolutionfromhome.com/2013/06/why-the-world-needs-to-see-our-stretch-marks-this-summer/)that kinda slapped me in the face about my body image issues. It challenged us as women, and moms in particular not to just accept our bodies (and the changes that come for most of us by having babies) but to love them. To celebrate where we are and what along the journey has brought us here. 

For me, this acceptance vs love thing hit home. You see, I have this complex, where, except in the case of Scott, Lexi, Mike, Kelly, and some people from church (who I know love me very much), I feel like most people in my life accept me. They don't hate me, they tolerate me, on a good day they enjoy my company. Now, I'm not saying that's true, it's just an insecurity/self worth thing, and I'm working on it. But I am intimately familiar with the difference between being loved and accepted. This is a change I need to make in how I view myself. Especially because some days I don't even accept me. 

I need to make this change now. Right now, because I do not want to pass this on to Lexi. I want her to love herself and her body and learn how strong and beautiful it is and how to take good care of it. I don't want her to compare herself to others and feel like a failure for not measuring up-at least as far as I can prevent it, I know everyone struggles to a point with this. 

So, the first step is this: deciding to make a change. Deciding to believe the things that inspire me, like "Strong is the new skinny" and yes, push myself to be stronger, better, able to work harder-but for the purpose of being the best me, not to be as model thin and "perfect" looking as my little sister (who doesn't have an endocrine disorder, has not carried a child, and doesn't have one to take care of 24/7). If you've read this far, you obviously care about me. Please help me with my self talk. 

Step 2 is to remove the things that are discouraging me. One major way I can do this is to get rid of some clothes. I have many clothes in many sizes, "for when I can fit them" or in the case of the ones that are too big "in case I need them", which, in both cases is kind of self defeating. Keeping the larger clothes shows that part of me expects failure, and the smaller ones are just unfair. I don't know what my body is gonna look like at a size 8, but I'm fairly certain the jeans I wore when I was 17 are not gonna be the same ones I wear at 31. I have curves now! So, what I think I'll do, is go through my closet and pare down, with the intention of buying smaller clothes as I fit them. I may keep a few favorite items, but only if they are realistic. No more mental torture from clothes. One thing I learned while pregnant: so much better to have a small wardrobe that I feel great in than a huge one that makes me depressed. :-) 

Living in the now

I was beginning to feel like I was ready to spend my mornings at the gym again, working out at least 2h, and building my life around it like I did sept-dec 2011. After all, that was the happiest and healthiest I'd ever been pre-Lexi, so of course I should be in a hurry to get back to it. I do miss my morning gym family, and I really miss yoga classes. Right now though, I treasure the relaxed mornings we have, where Lexi can sleep in as late as she wants and we can do our thing. I'm starting to get my sleep schedule fixed. Which is good, and my workouts are becoming more consistent again. What I'm saying is, I know I'll enjoy my gym mornings again, but I'm not gonna rush it because what we have right now is really special too. 

Battling fatigue.

So, my period has been "trying" to come for about 6-7 weeks now. Or longer. It seems like ages. The past 6 weeks at least, though, I've felt like garbage physically, mentally,and emotionally-well, overall. Some days have been okay in some areas, and awful in others, and right after a workout is always awesome. The workouts have been far fewer than I need though.  Other than for weight loss and fitness, exercise is my medication. It's my best weapon in the struggle against my sometimes crippling anxiety and depression.  So I need my workouts at least 5x a week, if not in some form daily. Other than the anxiety/depression, here's what this state of hormonal limbo is gifting me:

-bloatedness. Yay! The few clothes I have that fit don't fit day to day!

-irritability. Grr.

---cramps-enough said.

-extreme fatigue-this is the worst part. I feel like a limp noodle. This is a huge part of why working out hadn't been happening. It's a battle every day to get up and give Lexi the energetic mama she deserves. Some days are more successful than others. 

-sleeplessness. Doesn't help with the fatigue. 

Milestone

My pre-Lexi jeans fit! The jeans I wore to the doctor's office for that first ultrasound. Heck, I think I wore them the day she was conceived! ;-) I'm a little mooshier around the middle than I was then, but unless something catastrophic happens, it means come fall (when I actually want to wear denim) ill be buying at "worst" the same size jeans I was wearing at 16 when I met Scott, but fairly likely, smaller ones. I'll be happy either way, as long as I am continuing to get stronger and fitter. It's always a tough gap between the 12 and the 19 for me, and I'm hoping this is the last time I have to bridge it. Even after another baby-next time I'm going to a) stay active during the pregnancy so I can bounce back faster after energy wise,  b) not eat 3 pbj's a day for months and gain 15 breastfeeding pounds! :-P and c) get back to the gym as soon as I'm allowed rather than waiting 8 months. You heard me-this is the last time I bridge this gap if I can help it! 

Feeling really exhausted.

Also discouraged. Maybe they go together.

Don't wish for it...work for it

A friend who has recently lost over 50 lbs posted this quote, and while I'm super happy for and proud of her, it's reminded me of my frustration. Yes, my work has paid off, but not at the rate I feel like it should be. I'm gonna get back on the horse this week after a couple busy weeks, but I'm feeling pretty discouraged. 

Forgot to post this Tuesday:

This is me 4 weeks Pregnant (at my recent smallest), 39 weeks 3 days pregnant(the day before labor started), and this past Tuesday. I'm really trying to focus on the positives in this journey. My control freak nature sabotages me because I desperately desire at times-okay, often-to speed things up by eating less, but I know I can't, for Lexi's sake. I know she won't be nursing forever, and I'm really trying to do right by her as I reclaim my own body. So, I'm celebrating where I am, and trying not to focus on where I "should" be in my own mind. I'm also trying not to make the mistake I did when she was born ANC assume all kinds of weight will fall off as soon as I'm done nursing(everyone said initially I'd lose weight *from* nursing, but my body is stubborn), because I can't count on that. Just gotta keep plugging.

Noting improvements when they come.

Y'know, I need to go easier on myself. I get mad when I don't do allll the exercise I want to in a day but I forget that 2 weeks ago I couldn't do all of the JMBR workout I just did, let alone cycle and my JMBR on the same day! So, yes, I should keep pushing for improvement, but I also need to recognize improvement when it happens!

Off week

No, I'm not taking the week off, I'm just feeling a little off my game this week. Maybe it's because I killed it so hard last week, maybe it's hormones. I've had pretty bad insomnia all week, so that could be it. All I know is I'm pretty much constantly sleepy and it needs to end. It is making me think up all sorts of excuses in my head to slack off and that is No Bueno. I have done everything I was supposed to this week except a walk on Monday and wed and spin Tuesday-so basically, cardio. I am trying not to beat myself up and just move on, but dang it's hard, because i am still so tired and I don't see an end to it. So today, This: and also this:

Loneliness and friendships missed

Sometimes I feel lonely. Not nearly as often as I used to, but sometimes. Often it's brought on by missing someone I haven't seen in a long time or who is far away. Lately it's been from missing a particular friend. She has meant and continues to mean so much to me, though its been about 12 years since we were close. Our lives diverged for awhile, but we've stayed...distantly in touch. Recently our lives have become more parallel, and we started interacting more online, and I became hungry to rekindle the closeness we once had. I'm a very emotional person, and passionate. Because of this I often hesitate to express things like wanting to be closer to this friend. What if she feels her life is full enough? (I do know she has a lot going on.) what if there just isn't a place for me anymore? Should I let these what if's stop me? I mean, what if she needs me and misses me too?

Ride that wave!

So today has been, overall, a great day. I had a great morning with Lexi, had a great workout while she napped, spent a little more special time with her, and got dinner made early since I have cycle tonight. Lexi is down for a second nap, and I'm dealing with the fallout of the only negative part of the day. Scott and I had to have a conversation and make a hard choice. I don't like the position we are in having to make this choice, and really neither answer would have been a complete win, but we have made our decision. I feel relief and also anxiety. Anxiety about a lot of things, mostly unrelated to the issue today. I get like this sometimes. :-/ tonight's cycle class should help a lot to work off some stress.

Days like today

Make me feel like I can do anything. I was bummed at not working out yesterday, so I did yesterday's workout, today's workout, and cycle class this evening. I didn't do amazingly in cycle, but I finished. I have had a shower and worked my muscles over with the tiger tail, and I think that'll be a good start toward recovery. Tomorrow is all about active recovery.

Why I joined the gym in the first place.

I am a self motivated person. This is a two edged sword. It means I can be incredibly driven, but it also means I can't be motivated or coerced into doing something I don't really want to do and that the excuses in my head sometimes win.
My fall 2011 routine of going to the gym 5x a week was awesome. I'm looking forward to resuming it when the time is right. For now, though, I've gotta do about half the work here at home. I'm having a little trouble the past week getting started in the morning. Lexi is beginning to develop a schedule, and that's great! I got up and ate breakfast on time today, and that was great. What should have happened 45 min (max) later was my first workout of the day, but it didn't. :-( now it's seriously time for Lexi to wake up, and I've had a nice couple hours reading. Hrmph. Gotta push myself harder!

I guess so!

In answer to my last post: I've lost one of those inches off each place already! I've still got 5 weeks so I'm gonna shoot for another 2 inches each still and be thrilled if I reach my original goal!

Short term goal

I want to have a 30 inch waist and 40 inch hips by my friend Allison's wedding. 5 weeks, 2 inches off of each. Can I do it?

What a roller coaster

This week Has been crazy. Easter was a huge and amazing family get together with most of the Breakall family together. Then Jack the cat-Breakall family pet of almost 11 years- was killed that night. Lexi is officially crawling, saying her first word ("Hi" while waving) , constantly trying to stand up on her own and by pulling up, has gotten her first tooth, is about to cut her second, we've heard sad things and happy things, and today is the first anniversary of my grandpa's passing. Such a roller coaster.
What I really wanna write about today , however, is Cycle class. This week I've gone twice, and tomorrow is the third time. Tuesday was rough. I knew it would be. I mean, 14 months with no cycle, and then jumping in to a full effort 60 min ride? I was able to keep up with about 50% of Bob's cues. About halfway through, I had to run to the bathroom. Jillian Michaels would be proud. ;-) the part I'm actually proud of? I went back in and finished that ride. Then last night, knowing I won't get stronger unless I stick to it, I went back. I didn't really expect much from myself, considering Tuesday's performance and the fact I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but I really surprised myself! I kept up with about 75% of bob's cues and felt great doing it! I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow morning and seeing Kathi and having another great ride!

sunbeams and Dark places

I'm not gonna lie. I'm in a dark place. I'm blue. I'm struggling, I'm discouraged. I hate every picture taken of me. Most make me want to cry. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I feel like the only way out is a choice I can't make. I can't choose my own happiness and whatever else over what I know is healthiest for my daughter. This isn't a case of "oh just learn to love your body". I know and accept and even embrace the changes in my body that come from becoming a mom. I know I'll never look like I did when I was 16- I don't want to! What I want is to not have a fat face and a double chin from every angle. In every picture. I'd just like my belly to pooch out a bit less. I have no stretch marks, those I could embrace because they wouldn't be constantly on display. I might sound vain to some of you, but mostly this is about more than that. It's about being my best and still achieving things and bettering myself even though I'm a mama. It's so hard to explain.

Gotta focus differently.

So. I've gotten feedback from and talked things out with a few different friends (and Scott), and have come to this conclusion: I have to shift my focus from losing a specific amount of weight by a specific date to just being consistent in my exercise and eating patterns. I think I may have, in all this excitement of dropping what's left of my baby weight, subconsciously become more aware and more restrictive with my eating. One thing about Whole30 and Paleo that I love is the absence of calorie counting and portion control-in a good way! I ate what I needed/wanted with minimal snacking, and the weight fell off, and my milk supply held steady. Last week, however, when I started exercising, I probably also started eating a bit less, and the shock to my
system of increased activity and reduced food, not to mention Lexi sleeping longer stretches at night, just caused my milk to tank. I'm working on getting it back though, and have high hopes and expectations. I'm trying to wrap my head around needing to eat more in order to shift the fat/muscle balance and keep my milk supply. Basically, I need to be replacing what I burn in order to not create a deficit in my calorie intake. However, I should still be getting fitter and losing fat by building muscle and increasing my cardiovascular ability. I've got to let go of the number on the scale entirely and focus on living well. This is a new thing for me, and to be honest, kinda scary. Actually, really scary. To let go of concrete measurable goals, and really just focus on being the best I can in all areas. I'm gonna commit here and now not to weigh myself but once a month at most, and to enjoy this journey. I really have been enjoying the food and the workouts so far, so I'm gonna keep the focus there.

To be completely honest...

I'm pretty discouraged today. I'm swollen, my knees are a little sore, I'm behind on things and a little overwhelmed. i need to Zumba and come up with dinner before Scott gets home, because it's grocery night. On top of these things, Lexi doesn't seem to be getting enough milk. She's frustrated during most feedings, and I feel so bad. So I've gotta do all i can to boost my supply. Sigh.

What's Next?

So, Whole30 is done. I'll probably do another 15 down the road a little, and a whole30 at least once a year, just to keep as healed up as possible. As far as weight loss, I think I've lost all I can purely from food. I've always known exercise is my best weight loss tool, and since I've gotten a great start over the past week and a half, the biggest hump I'll have to get over is the period of swelling and retaining water that always accompanies at least the first few weeks of hard workouts.
Now, to the point. What changes with Whole30 being finished? Well, we can have an occasional dessert, which will be nice. I plan on 85% of these desserts being Paleo, with a splurge for sweet frog once in awhile if I can tolerate it. I think the "no treats" restriction was really hard on Scott. I've missed chocolate a bit, but mostly excited to see if these recipes are as tasty as they look! Otherwise, I don't plan on changing much here at home, and even eating out really. Easter should be interesting...
What's my next goal? Well, since Lexi has been born, I've been hearing a lot of "it took 9 months to put the weight on, give yourself at least that long to take it off!"
Ok, well, Lexi will be 9 months old on 4/24, so that's the goal date I'm shooting for to lose this last 11 lbs I've gained since getting pregnant. I actually care less about the number on the scale than how my jeans fit, so really, I'm just shooting to be back comfortably into my pre-maternity jeans. Ideally, I'd like to look like the picture in this post, which I'm sure you've all seen a million times. At that point I'll be about halfway through week 7 of this Jillian Michaels program, and halfway through my 4th week back to spinning, so I should be able to lose the 2 inches each I'm shooting for off my waist and hips. :-) I'm going to do my official weigh and measure on Monday the 22, because I tend to swell up after a lot of hard work.

Day 30: 3/19/13

Sorry, last week got away from me! Not much to report anyway. I finished whole30 with no cheats, and no real temptation to, even though I sat or stood next to a table of cupcakes and other treats on Sunday, and sat at a table where everyone else ate mashed potatoes (even Scott), and everyone but Scott also had cake. Scott finished pretty well too. Those mashed potatoes were his only cheat. All I'm gonna say in the interest of documenting the journey is that I had no idea I could get so emotional about him eating mashed potatoes. Even now I'm almost in tears about it. And FWIW, I wasn't even tempted myself. Not because I'm superior in any way, but because my body knows what it wants, and very few things are worth going against that! :-) I'm going to weigh myself in a minute, but since I have worked out HARD the past 2 days, my official post Whole30 weigh in will come on next Monday after a rest day. :-)

Day 22: 3/11/13

Today I may have solved my workout crisis. I'll get into that more soon, but suffice it to say I had a great and butt kicking first workout on this new program. I have an amazing husband who I'm super thankful for, and will hopefully have to ask less and less of as Lexi and I get this schedule thing sorted. We make a great team though. :-) oh, and our daughter is pretty dang cute too!

Day 21: 3/10/13

Today I needed to go to church. It was daylight savings day and it would have been easy to make excuses why not to go, but I knew I needed to be there, to see our friends, and be reminded I'm not alone. I love our church family. Food is still going fantastically. Tonight's roast chicken and parsnips were a big hit! I've got an emotional boost from yesterday's Zumba and feel like things are headed in a better direction. 3 weeks in, and paleo feels gooood!