Fourteen years later...

Fourteen years ago, on a rainy morning, I woke up from a night of very little sleep and waited, knowing my waiting was just about over. No longer would I feel rejected, undesirable, unworthy, because today one man was standing up in front of anyone who wanted to see and saying HE wanted me. This was the day my fairy tale began, I thought. I put on a white dress, walked with my Daddy, and saw the smiling face of the man who chose me for himself forever. I don't remember much from that day, but I remember that smile. 

These years haven't always been out of a Disney film, but they have been beautiful. The struggles, the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the challenges, have all knit us closer into each other and made us more thankful that this is a marriage of two people with God at the center. Every year I think I'm more in love with you than that teenage girl ever dreamed possible, and every year later I'm amazed at the blessing of the way that love has grown. 

Thank you, my Angel, for your love, your commitment-to me, to the kids, to being faithful in all areas, for weathering our storms with me. I love you more than words. 

Happy Anniversary, Scotty. 

Seven weeks in

So, since I did two extra days at the beginning of level 1, and two extra at the end of level 3, I'm now seven weeks into my fifth time through this program, And I have not missed one day. I'm pretty proud of that. I'm taking a mini recovery (still gonna get on the bike) while my grandma is here the second half of the week, so I'll start workout 7/8 on Monday. 

So, what are my results so far? Not what I expected, and frankly, not what I hoped. I have no idea what I've lost in the scale, because, well, I didn't have one at the start. I'm almost but not quite in my size 8 jeans (regular not skinny) and I weigh 181 lbs as of yesterday morning. Not horrible, except I weighed 182 at 3 weeks pp-over a year ago. buuuut that was on another scale, and who knows how far off that was...yada yada. Doesn't matter. I would like to get to 150 or less at some point, but the scale is, for now, going to be a tool for calorie intake regulation, not a measure of progress. 

And I don't even know if my jean size is a great measure right now- will my hips fit in a size four again after two babies? Maybe, but it may take more time and not be related to how hard I work. I realized yesterday that at fourteen months pp with Lexi I was at about the same point in JMBR (though not nearly as fit) and weighed about the same, but was a size bigger. I wasn't in a size four till Lexi was 21-24 mos. soooo... My goal of size four shorts at the beach may be a bit lofty. (Declan will be 17.5 mos then.i had been in an 8 comfortably for about 6w at that time post Lexi.) I'm still hoping to buy size four jeans in October (when my capris will probably cease to make sense...) but we shall see. 

So, am I seeing any results? I am! Other than being a bit smaller, i'm amazed at my performance. I have always struggled with this level of the program, particularly workout 5, but I have done great this time through, and using heavier weights than the folks in the video on pretty much every exercise. I've done the super mans with weights every time-never been able to do any like that before! Yesterday I started out by doing 2 sets of 20 push ups before hitting play, and when I stated this round, I couldn't do 5 in one set. So that's awesome, and I'm well on my way back to sets of 25. 

Um also seeing my upper body muscles come back, which is really cool, because other than abs for the first time, im really passionate about getting my arms back. Shoulders always pop first, then triceps, but I've started to see my biceps too. That's really exciting. I'm curious what will happen over the next few weeks as I work  spinning into my routine! 

Oh, and if anyone wants to get me some 12 and 15 lb weights, that'd be great, cuz I'm using 10's for pretty much all the back and Bicep work now... Yay! 

Craving Community

I was gonna write this later, because I'm really trying to stay off my phone till after I've worked out, but, just as I was about to work out, the Boy woke up, so nursing and blogging it is. 

I crave community, and particularly a best friend who loves Jesus. I had one in my early twenties, and I still love her, but seasons in life shifted, she started working, and we kinda drifted. Then came "the bad times", as we call July 2007-July 2009 around here. I had a "best friend" during that time, but she wasn't a Christian, and that relationship was just never all that healthy to begin with. It ended abruptly, and those who love me breathed a sigh of relief. Since then, I've struggled a lot with craving a "person". I'm close to my sisters, and I have a friend who is like a little sister to me (I love you so much, T!) but none of them is in the right position to be that person, y'know? Not a "good enough" thing, just it's not something you choose exactly. A few times over the past 5 years I've thought "hey maybe she's the one!" And it's never worked out. 

Because I'm afraid. 

I start to hope, and then I get scared and I don't pursue. All the reasons (excuses, mostly) come into my head, and I just retreat from hoping and close myself off. I'm afraid to be rejected, afraid to be hurt, ashamed that I don't drive, of how broken I am, afraid I'm too much to handle, her life is full, she has a best friend, etc.  I've been invited to mom's small group at church, even offered a ride, but I've never gone. Scared. Intimidated.  Want to throw up thinking about it. I joined MOPS, went a few times, LOVE those honest, real women, but fear of my kids getting sick (because that's what happens when littles congregate, and it's a MAJOR anxiety trigger for me) and just general crazy evenings and exhaustion have been a barrier for months. 

And I crave having a person. A best friend to do life with and text all through the day and hang out with drinking wine till the wee hours. Couple best friends. We had that, for about 4 years, (seasonal changes...) and I miss it. 

I'm reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, and she wrote a couple chapters about that close, genuine community, and it awakened my craving. She said though, if you want community, create it. So I'm praying and marinating in that for the moment. I have some ideas, and I'm praying about courage and guidance and I'm gonna talk and pray with Scott. 

I want to throw up even talking about it here and now, so I'm interested to see what God has planned here...

Being Intentional

So, I've kinda made a resolution. I'm going to really focus, starting this month, on using my resources more intentionally to serve God. 

My most valuable (and both most plentiful and scarce at the same time!) is TIME. And I know if I spent it more intentionally, I'd be able to maximize what I could accomplish. 

So what am I going to do differently? 

-get up after Declan's 5:00 or 5:30 feeding (if he has one) instead of laying in bed awake till my alarm goes off. 

-no social media until after my workout, as this is both a time suck and can be an anxiety/depression trigger, as I'll discuss in a minute. 

-set timers for tasks as needed to keep the day moving. 

I'm also going to be intentional about what I fill my mind and time with. My default when I'm nursing or Declan is sleeping, or just when I get a minute, is to check social media, which isn't really feeding my heart or mind most of the time, and while I do need the social connection, I need to be fed more than I am right now. So I'm creating Spotify playlists of uplifting music and I'm creating more space and opportunity for spiritual and emotional food. 

I've been discouraged for a long time that I don't have the time to dig deep and spend two hours solid studying, reading, and praying like I did when I only had one child. But I've realized this is a season, and it's not all or nothing. I don't have two hours, but I have 20 minutes over breakfast before I work out, maybe another 15 or 20 as I recover from that workout before I go for round 2, and other bursts where I create them in the day, I'm sure. I know I'll have more time for journaling, blogging, crafting, and more when Declan is napping on his own (that's a whole other thing I need to write about), but right now, I have time to read while I'm holding him as he naps-I don't have to watch tv while he naps every day.  That's another thing I'm going to be more intentional about-I'll keep up with a few shows that I really enjoy, but no more mindless hours of TV just because. I can use that time that I'm holding the boy to read (either fiction or something to build myself up) or blog, or meal plan, or something else productive. 

Overall, I want to make my time count, because the better I use my time, especially to feed my soul, the more I will have available to pour into others. 

First Goal Day!!! Except...not.

So, my period came on Saturday! Yay! And also, Awwwww. ☹️ today was gonna be the day my size 8 jeans were gonna fit, and my measurements were gonna show the payoff, but now I'm all bloated and cranky and tired and I'm just not going to do all that today. In two weeks, I'll do it (pretty much no chance of this happening then!) and hopefully not only will my size 8 jeans fit then, but also my size 8 skinnies! (I'll admit the skinnies feel like a longshot, because they are a brutal pair of pants that are good at making me feel depressed, but that's ok, cuz in 5 mos when it's jeans weather again, God willing they will be in my rear view!) that's the goal I've got my eye on now. 

My scale is coming today, and I will weigh myself to make sure I don't weigh way less than I think (Hahahaha) but after that I'm going to be really committed to only weighing myself on Monday mornings, and to relying on my physical abilities, well bang, and jean size to be my measurements of success. The scale is just a measure to help me know how much to eat. 

Because of my period, I stayed in bed with D today (he's gonna get his molars sometime in the next m...who knows, so he's nursing constantly) and I haven't started my workout-it's almost 930. Ugh. 

I'm super nervous about doing workout 5, because when I went they this part almost a year ago it was the hardest level for me! But I'm so much stronger now, so I know I'll surprise myself! 

I am probably gonna wait till next week to add in cycle, partly because we haven't tuned up the bike, and mostly cuz just doing JMBR is gonna be a challenge during my period.