Undefeated

I woke up this morning feeling really down. Just like I'd lost without even having a chance to try. 3 hours (and a lot of tears) later, I still don't know why. I know some of the things that are weighing on my heart, and maybe it was the combination of being really tired physically that made them all converge, but it's still frustrating to start a day this way. I really had to fight through my workout-it took an extra 6 min of pausing to catch my breath throughout- but I finished it. That got me thinking on how I can turn this day around. Instead of letting all the thoughts and fears (mainly missing a particular friend and this [totally unfounded] fear of never having another baby) beat me and defeat me, I need to focus on the fact that I am NOT defeated. I have not let myself be stopped by fear or sadness. I have not run to the wrong things for solace from hurt and fear, I've faced what's ahead with determination, given it my all, and not quit until it's done. This morning, that meant getting up and pushing through a really tough workout when I wanted to lay in bed and cry. Other days, it means other things, some less tangible. Every day it means not letting the darkness win. On that front, I remain undefeated. 

Results day!

Here are my results since 2/15:

Lbs lost: 22 (10 between these pics though) 

Pant sizes: 3

Waist:5.5 in

Hips: 5 in

Thighs:4 in each

Ribcage: 4 in

Confidence, energy, sense of self gained: immeasurable and growing. I've got 5 weeks left on this round of the program, then I start again and really work on shredding. :-) leveling up today and feeling tired, nervous, and crampy, but determined! 

Serendipity and a fantastic trip

Our trip to Nebraska to visit my grandma was perfect. Lexi travelled like a champ, bonded beautifully with my brother as her travel buddy, and fussed only 20 minutes of the entire 44 hours round trip in the car. We had a perfect day at the zoo, got to help my grandma around the house, and be spoiled by her! 

My grandma is also an amazing cook, and I ate plenty at every meal.  Not overmuch, but not a restricted amount either. I worked out some, but obviously not to the level I do here at home. These things made me dread what the scale would say when we got home....

But in a beautiful example of serendipity, when I tried on the pair of jeans I kept as the marker of the smallest I've been since 05, they fit, and looser than they had when I actually wore them in December '11. Then this morning I stepped on the scale, and whaddya know? I lost a pound on vacation. Woohoo!!!

This morning I get back to my routine, and I gotta say, I'm dragging. How can 2 days in the car leave me so wiped? I've gotta find the strength to charge through the 35 min with Jillian and then I can enjoy my day. Right now though, I just wanna go back to bed. 

New workouts, new goals

Yesterday I leveled up on my JMBR-2 weeks before I planned to. I just felt ready, and I'd been doing level 3 4x longer than it was designed to be done if you count the weeks I did it in June. It was time. From here out, I'm going to use the program as designed, 2 weeks at a time, with the exception of this current phase because of our trip. I'm going to give it an extra week when we get back. My trouble with only doing each workout 4 times has been that I like to master them, and since they are quite difficult, I just can't do that in 4 tries. I've solved that in my mind finally by planning to, on 12/1, start my second round of JMBR. I'll start at workout 3&4 and work my way up, finishing again on valentine's day. Hopefully by then I'll be able to do some of these push up variations that are messing with me now. ;-) 

Since I reached my September/October goal, I need to set a new one. It's hard for me to set a weight loss goal, because my fat/muscle swap is unpredictable and in short term, the scale has proven to be a pretty inaccurate measure of my success and fitness. For example-I'm down 42 lbs from my highest-which is awesome, but only 5 from my post partum weight, but I'm down 2-3 sizes from my post partum size. The next 5 lbs are not gonna give me 2-3 sizes!  So, instead of a concrete weight loss goal for the next 8 weeks, here is my goal: 

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I want to fit the same jeans that I tried on in my last post in a size 8 by 12/1. 

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One size, 2 months. I feel like that's reasonable. And, that's my goal size, so if I do it, it's just refining and swapping fat for muscle from there! 

I do still want to see 150 on the scale, and maybe that will happen before I get pregnant again, maybe not. I feel like putting a date on that, for me, is just unfair, so I'll keep tracking my weight, but let the inches be my measure. 

Goal met!

These are the size 10 jeans that were my October 7 goal. They fit comfortably! Woot woooot! Tentative goal for another size lost is 12/2 the Monday I start round 2 of JMBR. It's also the Monday after thanksgiving, but I really don't see that making a difference. 

Friday thoughts

I'm feeling a lot of feelings today. Disappointment because I thought my period came for a hot minute yesterday, but later realized no, just more of the same spotting that's been going on 3.5 weeks now...

Accomplishment because of how I've kicked butt at my workouts this week. Right now I'm exhaust and sore, but proud. 

Discouragement that weight hasn't been and isn't falling off as quickly as I'd like, but more discouragement that my period is now 13 days late. I know God can overcome my lack of a cycle and that there isn't any obstacle to interfere when he is ready for us to have another baby, but it's still hard and I feel like my body is just broken. How did I live so many years in this limbo while TTC? I know i struggled with it, but it seems so much worse this month. Maybe I was used to it or numb. I'm okay with not being pregnant yet, but it leeches hope from me to not even be moving in that direction. 

And finally, I'm thinking/feeling this, which is hard to define. I feel like maybe this is God giving me time to accomplish and reach a goal that I've been pushing toward for a long 10 years at least. I feel like the end of my weight loss journey is in reach. I still have the general 150 number as my goal, but I don't know if I will end up that low. I do feel, however, that if I'm not pregnant too soon, I can get to my maintenance weight-the weight at which my body can feel like mine again and I can just focus on strength, toning, and performance. That's my real goal at this point. To get somewhere I can generally  maintain during pregnancy and return to postpartum and build upon.  So, yeah, if I get an extra month or 2 (or whatever,though it's hard to think about) to go hard and achieve my goals, that's awesome. I'm really gonna try to make the most of this time and not focus on the brokenness of my reproductive system.

Sustainability.

I think the hardest part of fitness for me is  consistency. There's the part that's momentum and habit, and I've basically sorted that out-I need to do *some* sort of exercise daily, even if it's a very light walk. The harder part, particularly for maintaining one's progress, is sustainability. If you're working out at 4h a day to lose weight, you're only gonna be able to do that so long before it's just not practical or necessary. Take it from someone who knows. ;-) this time around I've really tried to tweak my weight loss plan into something that could morph into a healthy lifestyle habit when I'm done losing weight-which I think will be this calendar year! More on that in another post. Right now I'm doing 35 min 4x a week of this JMBR program. God willing, I'm going to finish that by the end of this Calendar year, and provided I'm not pregnant, I'll be transitioning into a toning/maintenance phase of my fitness journey. If I was working out 4 hours a day still, I'd have a lot of questions along the likes of where to make cuts, but since I've stripped down my program, my routine/time spent need not change. I'll probably swap out walking for a cardio game or DVD when the weather is too cold, but everything else can stay the same: early morning DVD (I've plenty to choose from!), light cardio, cycle on Tuesday/Thursday. I'm really happy about that. I'm someone who likes to do a lot of different types of workout, so I'm looking forward to exploring yoga and re-exploring my other DVDs. :-)

So much is changing...

I've written this week already about the results I've gotten on the scale (4 lbs in a week!!!) and I've mentioned the changes in my performance, but there's more! In the fall of 2011 I had SO much energy even with working out 4h a day, and I've been frustrated lately because I'm only averaging half that long of a workout each day and have been struggling to do more than exercise, care for Lexi, and cook. Well, I think that's changing! Today is my rest day, which usually means I lay around and do nothing due to my sore muscles, but today, I have done a bunch of housework AND taken a long hot bath already! Lexi slept in late and is just now eating breakfast, and I'm working on the kitchen before making my weekly giant batch of breakfast cookies. After (my and Scott's) lunch Lexi and I will take our daily walk, and during her nap I'll bake the cookies. I'm excited at what a productive mama I'm becoming. Thank God for renewed health! 

I did an extra weigh in this morning...

...deciding if it was bad it didn't count because I worked out yesterday, only Monday weigh ins count,  blah blah. This picture is what I saw. I am half ecstatic, half afraid. First- HOORAY FOR ME I'm in the 170's! Second-but is it a fluke? Will it just come back after the rest of the week of working out? Third- well my jeans fit a lot better...my waist is measuring a half inch smaller...I can't really do anything to control how my body reacts or adapts along this journey, except to keep eating well and working to get stronger.