Making lemonade.

So I'm about a month into this recovery, and it's been discouraging. I lost my drive for awhile, and I was sick, and I got bogged down trying to bounce back from that. Anyway, I'm bounced back, and the house is clean, and I have a new daily schedule mapped out, including keeping up with the housework. I'm ready to go. 

I am going to focus on yoga the next week or two, and start back to cycling. Then I'll work in my strength work again and start rebuilding my muscles.  In January, instead of going back to Bodyshred, I'm probably going to do something lower impact. I really want this foot to heal so I don't re-injure it. I'm going to have to put in more time until I'm able to go back to high intensity, but it will be worth it. 

I'm beyond ready to feel comfortable in my body again, and I'm really determined to do what it takes to get there, and I'm pretty sure that in March, when Declsn is less reliant on me for his nutrition, I can start making faster progress! 

Injury, setbacks, rolling with the punches

I planned to be almost halfway through bodyshred right now. That's not where I am, sadly. I have plantar fasciitis, and that has changed my whole trajectory. For the past week and a half, I've been resting, and getting used to the idea that my journey is taking a little different route right now. I am very frustrated and discouraged but I'm really trying not to focus on that. I don't know what my results goals look like right now, and can only really focus on keeping the habit of fitness up and improving in the areas in able. 

I can't do any exercise with impact, so it's yoga, swimming (but the pools at the gym are still closed right now), no impact strength training, and cycle. I'm going to have to put in more time than I've been so far if I want to continue to improve, but since the intensity will be lower, I can probably do it with less procrastination. Haha! 

I'm nervous what my return to "real" workouts will look like, and what will happen to my cardiovascular conditioning over the next 2 months, but, that's not something I can really control right now. I just have to focus on eating very clean as much as I'm able, (yay holidays)  and giving my very best in each workout. 

This month I'm doing Beginner Shred level 1 and 2, a lot of yoga (4d a week), and cycle 2x a week. I'm also going to continue working on my planks, push ups, and other bonus work. 

PPDA Progress

I'm a little nervous to say this, but I think we might be through the worst of this. It's been a few weeks, and it feels like overall things are better. Things are still hard, and some days and parts of days are really hard, but looking back, I just can't believe how far I've come. 

Before I get into the things I'm doing to support this, and the things that are helping, I have to share something that's making my heart burst. I have loved Declan from the moment I met him, I have been entirely devoted to him and his well being, I have given all I have and more to care for him and lavish love on him, but  the first few months were really hard and exhausting on a practical level, I wasn't even sure if Declan liked me in my state of wrung out-ness for at least 5 weeks. Then, even after things started getting easier, this fog of hormonal darkness has kept me from the loopy, drunken euphoric stuff I felt for Lexi. Until now. Sometime over the past month, I have fallen madly, fully, head over heels in love with a red haired, blue eyed, sugary sweet smiled Little Boy. 

I mean... Look at him!

One day at a time, I'm becoming the Mama I want to be for these two wonderful little people.

I've gotten a lot of systems in place, and am working on making routines truly habitual and routine. School is going great- we just finished week 8! I can't believe we are 20% of the way through the school year already!  I have been working out consistently and with commitment for over five months, and that is something to celebrate. I'm getting more housework done each week. I've been making a menu and sticking to it better all the time- cooking at least 5 nights a week and usually a few lunches too. (More if you count fixing wraps and quesadillas, and making Lexi and my breakfast each day.) all the little things are victories. Because 5-6 months ago I was feeding Declan and making sure Lexi ate and was clean and that was about it. I'm doing soooo much better than that now.

Here are some things that are helping: 

Daily Devotions:

I'm getting more and more consistent at this. I'm starting a study of Galatians on Monday. Starting my day like this makes all the difference. The days I do, I am more patient and loving and enjoy the moments that are beautiful. 

Aromatherapy:

Don't roll your eyes. Essential oils have changed my life. Maybe they don't help everyone, but DoTerra has some amazing blends, and even singles that have pulled me out of panic attacks, helped me sleep, helped start my day well, fixed Lexi's attitude... I could go on, and that's not even going into the health benefits I've found from them. This week I received my brand new Emotional Aromatherapy Kit with six new blends and a guide on usage and it does not disappoint. 

Exercise:

This is my medicine. I MUST do it and I notice a definite surge of negative stuff when I miss a day. I'm having to evaluate whether I want to keep doing Tuesday nights because Shelle had to give the class up, but cycle is definitely worth the work even when I don't wanna.

Eating well, vitamins:

I've really been focusing on making sure 90% of what I eat is super nutritive and clean, and it can't help but be Good, right? I've also been taking my supplements consistently. 

Getting out: 

I've been working on getting more people time. I've gone to church, worship night, we've rejoined our Gel Group, and...

I've joined MOPS! I've only been once so far, but I already love these ladies and how real they are, and I've been having lots of fun with them on Facebook! They have a book club, and mom's nights out, and Lexi is making new friends and will get to sing a song in the Christmas Program at the church where our group is based! 

Massage Therapy: 

I'm having a session with Jamie at least once a month and I wish it was weekly. This probably makes as big a difference as exercise, because it's someone caring for me and physical touch is definitely my top love language. 

General self-care:

I'm making time to wash my face and put on makeup after I work out each day, and even get a shower more often! This does a lot to boost my mood and remind me I'm worth the care and time.

I know my journey with this isn't over, and there will still be hard days, and maybe hard weeks, but I am so thankful for how things are improving. 

If you're struggling with PPD or PPDA, you are not alone. There are so many mamas facing this and so many things that can help.

Nine years ago on Friday. Our first baby.

That's when it happened. I've never told this story on any of my blogs. I've referenced it, but I've never been ready. I've written a little about September Baby, but never my first baby. As I sit here with Declan, my fourth baby, I finally feel ready. I've told his and Lexi's birth stories, and I need to tell these too. When more appropriate than in October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and the month that I am always aware (along with May) how old my first baby would be right now. Almost eight and a half. 

This is not a pretty story, and it started us down a very hard road for the next few years, so I need to make very clear that Scott and I have worked through this story, we have healed what was hurt, and nothing I'm going to share is indicative of who he is today, or is a point of pain between us, but I have to fully tell this, and not sugarcoat it. I am not trashing him in any way. He was twenty three and everything was new and scary and he didn't know what to do. 

We started *actively* trying to get pregnant in January 2006. Because of my pcos we had no idea what to expect, and it was very confusing because I had no cycle to track. I had a period in June, but from then on, I was constantly wondering if I was pregnant, and never sure if I could trust a negative test. I took so many tests that year. 

  I'd thought "maybe" a few times, but I remember our second day doing hurricane Katrina relief in Mississippi in late September  I said to Scott, "I really think I'm pregnant."his immediate response was "I hope you're not. I don't make enough money yet." I was so hurt. We had been trying for 10 months, and he didn't feel ready? The week went on, and I grew more sure, and Scott did start to get excited. 

The moment we got home from our trip, (Sunday)we went to patient first and I got a blood test. The nurse wasn't supposed to tell me, but she gave me a thumbs up. The doctor came in and told me that based on my last period they'd guess I was about 17 weeks. We were elated. I Called my sister Melissa, and then my mom, then we went to my in-laws house and told them. My MIL said "oh, so is Jill." (My sister in law.) I was excited to be pregnant together, even though she was in CA. 

I went to my best friend's house the next day and made my doctor's appointment over the phone, and went home with her pregnancy books and maternity clothes. I told everyone who would listen how excited I was. 

On Wednesday I was on the phone with Melissa (who was 14) and had to go to the bathroom. Because we are sisters, I just went while we chatted. Then my heart stopped. There was a pink spot on the toilet paper. No. This was not happening. I will never forget that moment, (or the similar moment in each of my subsequent pregnancies that gave me the same feeling). The spotting stayed light until Sunday and I just prayed. 

Sunday I had cramping too. We were over at my in-laws and I told MIL. She said "well, you'll probably lose the baby," in a tone that implied it was no big deal and just a thing that happens. I know she was probably trying to lessen my pain by that, and totally meant well, but it made me feel so afraid and alone. When I got home I called the doctor's office and they made an appointment for me the next morning for an ultrasound. 

As we got ready in the morning (Monday) Scott was so excited! He was like, "we are going to hear the baby's heartbeat!!!" I was dying inside, because I was pretty sure we weren't. I was heartbroken and close to numb as we waited in the office. The cramps had gotten worse and the bleeding heavier overnight. The ultrasound tech was warm and friendly, and I will always remember her saying a minute into the scan, "okay. I'm going to call your Doctor to come look at this with me." Doctor Reutinger came in very soon, and gently told me that I had either already miscarried, or I was about to. The good (?) news was that I was only about six weeks along, and I had the option to let it happen naturally at home.he wanted me to get blood work just in case though, to check my hormone levels. He would see me again in Wednesday. 6 weeks meant my due date would have been 5/19/07 the day after our 5th anniversary. We always said we would have our first baby when we'd been married five years. Our niece was born that day. 

When I got dressed again, it was like my body finally felt free to let go. Everything picked up. The cramping became contractions, the worst pain I'd ever felt, and the spotting was spotting no more. I remember the waiting for the bloodwork, knowing I was essentially in labor, and not even feeling the needle. I called my mom on the way home, and saying "mama, I'm losing the baby." And her voice gentle and calm, asking "ok sweetie, what are you going to do now?" And the small comfort I took from knowing that she had been through this more than once, and she not only survived, but she still had four healthy babies. 

We got home, I put on pajamas and a maxi pad, took 2 Tylenol PM, and got in bed, hoping to sleep through it. Scott went to work. I was alone.

Here's where it gets ugly. 

I woke two hours later. blood was everywhere. I got up, made my way to the bathroom, trailing red behind me. I sat down on the toilet, and felt something slide out of me and heard a splat on the floor. It was the baby and the placenta. I carefully wrapped them in toilet paper and set it in the trash gently. And I cried. I sat on the floor and sobbed. 

However much later, I looked around the bathroom and it looked like a crime scene. I stripped off my pajamas and threw them in the trash can, same with the sheets from the bed. I turned the matter was over. I scrubbed the floors and walls of the bathtub. I took the trash bag that held our baby, and all the remnants of their birth to the dumpster. I did this alone. 

I went back to bed alone. 

I woke up alone again. 

Scott came home at the usual time, and I don't remember that night except that his dad stopped by with my favorite ice cream, and that touched me deeply. 

Scott went to work the next day. I was alone. He apparently told his boss what had happened, and suddenly he was home. His boss told him to stay home the rest of the week. 

Having that experience alone affected me more deeply than I realized and the next three years were a product of that, but out of working through the fallout, God made our marriage so much stronger. Maybe we needed all that, and that's why He allowed it in the first place-to knot us closer in Him. 

And, I hadn't planned on this, but I feel like I'm some ways it completes this story, and, to me, illustrates what God has done. I'm going to briefly tell you about September Baby, and what a different experience that loss/birth was. 

We'd been trying 4 months this time. If you've read my posts from fall 2014 you know it sucked. I suspected at Christmas that I was pregnant but tests were negative. At the new year we were told that Scott's brother's new wife was pregnant. I did not take it well. Hurt was passed around, it was ugly, then I found out I was pregnant. Yay! Then I took another test the next day. It was more faint, and I'm paranoid so we went to get bloodwork. The bloodwork came back  4 days later and basically says that for some reason my hormone levels weren't doing what they were supposed to so there was very little chance we were gonna meet this baby. The next 5 days I felt like I was holding my breath. Then on the afternoon of Friday 1/24, the day Lexi turned 18 mos, I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I took a deep breath, called Scott, and said "I'm bleeding." When he answered. He said "I'm coming." We put Lexi down for her nap, and he held me on the couch all afternoon. We prayed, we cried, we watched TV. I was not alone. I didn't have a mess to clean up, because I made frequent bathroom trips, but I wouldn't have had to clean it up alone anyway. I was not alone. Scott stayed home with me until Tuesday, when I told him I was ready for him to go. 

I was not alone. 

Starting BodyShred and new program resolutions

Well, here is where I'm starting from:

Waist: 31.5

Hips: 41.5

Thigh: 22.5

I have no idea what I weigh, because the scale is broken and it really doesn't matter, because it's not a great measure of progress for me anyway. I know what I weighed 2 weeks after D was born, and when I've made some serious non-scale progress, I'll check back in there. 

I'm not starting this program in my size 8 jeans like I hoped. Heck, for whatever reason, my 10's are tighter than I'd like right now. But I am where I am, and what I do know is I am far healthier and fitter than I was five months ago when I started working out again. I'm not where I hoped to be, but I'm miles ahead of where I was when Lexi was this age, and that's a victory. 

I'm sure what it will take to get this fat to start shedding, and I know I'm not in control of it, but only of giving my best each day and treating my body well. I'll probably experiment more with calorie intake, and see if I can make it happen that way, but I'm also going to try to enjoy where I am and know that this time is temporary, and it won't be forever before Declan isn't relying on me for all his nutrition and I will have more rest and resources to be more myself again. 

I'm asking a lot of my body. My sleep is nowhere near what it should be (and yes, Cindy, I agree that's likely a huge tremendous factor), I'm exclusively breastfeeding, which is requiring somewhere between 300-800 extra calories, (making it hard to know what I should be eating), I have postpartum depression, so those hormones are outta whack, and I have two littles, one of whom I'm homeschooling. None of these are excuses, but they are facts and factors. My dear wonderful friend Cindy (who has been my most constant and faithful friend for almost 8 years despite the fact we have never met in person) reminds me often that it's not fair to compare where I am now to where I was two years ago, because everything is different. I have not gotten much smaller since Declan has been born, but I know I've traded in for a ton of rebuilt muscle. (I'll blog later about where I am with the PPDA and what I'm doing there.)

I've decided to set resolutions ahead of starting this program, as rules for this next phase of my journey:

-I will NOT try on my jeans every day for a test of progress. I'll do this only on the Monday morning of a Level Up. 

-I WILL do *my* best each day, not comparing or feeling defeated by what I can't do. 

-I WILL celebrate small victories like mastering a challenging move. 

-I will NOT overtrain to try to get faster results

-I will NOT beat myself up for struggling. 

-I WILL hydrate constantly! 

Goals: during this first round of BodyShred I hope to:

- stay consistent. 4 days a week of BS, 2 cycle classes, and as many walks as able. 

-complete the first level of the push up training app in addition to 2 sets of 25 extra push ups

-finish the plank challenge I started last month during the month of October

-I'd still like to wear my size 6 jeans at Christmas, but the eights would be ok too. (I don't know what to expect, but I need to have some sort of size goal) 

Finding improvement where I've had it

So, I'm on my last rest day of this round of JMBR. I'm resting, drinking water, various teas, and good clean foods. I'm still feeling very frustrated because pants are not getting any looser yet, and I'm not looking likely at all to reach the milestone goal I had set for 12 days from now (size 8 skinnies). I'm trying to accept that, but I still feel like there has to be a key to this that I'm missing. 

I'm getting more sleep overall in the past few weeks than I have since before we met our boy, so if it's sleep I need, that's as resolved as its gonna be for awhile. Declan wakes up usually only once (around 4am) to nurse, and then I offer again when I get up at 6. I can't eat any better than I am, and I can't imagine I'm eating too little, because I'm being very intentional about getting 2000 calories (net) each day. 

Side note: when Lexi was 13/14 mos and I started back on my fitness journey, I lost weight at 1600 calories net to start. She was on solids, and therefore not needing as much milk, I assume. But 400 calories is almost a pound a week difference worth of calories. Is it possible 2000 is too many calories? I don't always hit that 2000 on heavy workout days...I just don't know what to do. If I knew what to do, (eat more, less, drink more water...) I know I'd have the discipline to do it. I hate to think the answer is that nothing is gonna happen till Declan is fully on solids...who knows when that'll be? 

There's been major improvement in some areas, unrelated to my size though. I need to celebrate that, while I just keep trucking and nursing. 

-I have met every one of my planned  goals for what I'd be doing for exercise postpartum. I made this plan when I was first pregnant with Declan. I started JMBR when D was 12 weeks old, and added Cycle 2 weeks later! 

-I have, in the last 8 weeks or so, gone from being able to do 2 military style push ups at a time to 25. Tomorrow I'll be doing 3 sets of 25 on top of the 80 or so various push ups in my JMBR workout. 

-I've improved in cycle class. This is hard to quantify, because every class is different and every bike I'm on affects the ride. But I've definitely built up endurance and strength. 

-I have stuck through some hard times and missed no workouts except due to injury or surgery. That takes grit when you are getting nowhere on your external goals. 

-my mental toughness is incredible. I catch myself coaching myself to push through stuff the old me would just give out on. 

-I can do a 60 second plank like its nothin. Working toward a 5 min plank. 

6 more

That's how many workouts I have left in this round of JMBR. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I feel proud, because I've stuck with it, and other than injury, vacation, and surgery, I've kept progressing every 2 weeks as prescribed. I am, and should be, really proud of that. On the other hand, these workouts are still really tough, and even by the end of next week, I will be far from having mastered them. So it feels like less of an accomplishment than the finish I had thanksgiving 2013. I have to remind myself though, that I was 16 months pp then, not 6. Those ten months make a huge difference! Heck, by that point this time around, I can't imagine the level of fitness I'll have. 

I'm really wrestling with two things right now. One is the lack of measurable external results that I've been ranting about. I'm hoping that by 10/5 when I take my post BR measurements and pictures (which will also serve as my BodyShred before pics and stats) I'll see some difference. I have 1.5 weeks of BR and an active recovery week before then, so, I'm trying to have some hope. I'm not feeling like it's super likely that those size 8 skinnies will fit, but I'm hoping that they will button and zip without too much....spillage. If I have gotten that far, I might be able to still hit my next goal of getting comfy in my 6's by Christmas. The other thing that's bugging me is something g I've written about before but feels extra real to me now, 2.5 weeks away-how am I going to be able to do BodyShred? All I've read and heard is that it's brutal and way harder than BR. I'm on the last level of BR and it's taking me close to an hour to get thru a 35 min workout. I am determined to do this, but how do I get in the headspace of not feeling a failure for struggling through it, especially this first round? I am starting it again in February, and hopefully that round will be full of badassery, but man, I'm scared of this first round. 

First things first, though. Time for workout 11 and moving on with my day. Rar.

Venting again

I'm So frustrated and discouraged. I've been at this consistently for 4 months (minus the week after my surgery and the week we were on vacation which was a planned recovery week) and I'm barely any smaller.  Yes, I'm far stronger, my muscles are more defined, etc, but is it so wrong to have wanted to lose a pant size or two? Blargh!

We are really working at eating clean and I'm being better about logging my food since we have been home. Hoping less grains (except brown rice and oats) will help me with inflammation. Also eating lots of veggies. 

I hate not having much control over this situation. I have to just work and be consistent and trust that *someday* there will be a payoff. I really hope it doesn't take till Declan is a year old and fully on solids to start seeing results. I have some goals set for that time period, and if like to reach them! 

Recently some folks I considered to be  close friends, folks who have shown me support at other times when needed, and folks we have supported and encouraged, gave me some criticism that hurt deeply. They told me that my fitness goals, and their priority in my life were causing me to miss out on my children. They called me vain and self pitying. They said other things I don't remember because I'm trying to forget. When peoe give me criticism, especially when they are people who supposedly care about me, I take it very seriously and chew it over to find any truth that might be there. This time, though, I'm finding none, and that makes it hurt more. I tried to explain the connection between my feelings about my weight and my PPD, how I'm trying to grasp control of this thing, so at least one thing in my life would be working. That didn't matter-the last word was that I was feeling sorry for myself and I'm not really depressed. It's left me feeling very lonely, defensive and self conscious, if ever I post on fb about my weight or depression, because, while I'm trying to be open so others feel less alone on their journeys, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement, even from folks who are supposed to be my friends. That's really tough. 

The depression and anxiety have been a big struggle the past few days, and this weight frustration is only magnifying that. I don't know what to do about it, except, get as much sleep as I can, push hard in my workouts and eat healthy yummy stuff. 

To My Sweet Duckling at Six Months

Declan, 

You are lying next to me in bed right now, chewing on your toes and smiling. It seems you're always smiling, and in those rare times you aren't, I know the storm won't last but a moment and there's a rainbow just around the corner. 

I can't believe you're six months old already, that half of your first year has flown by so quickly. It's been entirely different than I expected, filled with challenges to my physical, mental, and emotional strength, but God knew what He was doing when he paired us up. Anytime I have felt like I'm just not enough, I have been reminded by your smile and the love in your eyes that I'm more than enough-to you I'm everything. 

This time a year ago I didn't know you were a boy-I desperately wanted another girl-but the second I found out you were, I began dreaming of a blue eyed redhead who I'd snuggle and nurse and learn so much from loving. You've fulfilled and surpassed those dreams in unexpected ways. You teach me every day about the blessing of experiencing mamahood fresh and new without comparison, because you and your sister could not be more different, and that isn't a bad thing. Where she was eager and outgoing, you are relaxed and shy. Where she wanted to explore, you're taking your time. 

You definitely have personality! You have a sweet and ready smile, a laugh we hear more every day, a particular way of letting us know you want attention (enough with the fake wheezing, Kid!), an aversion to hard work (tummy time has been a battle we've fought side by side), and yes, a temper to match that hair. 

You love your sister, like I always knew you would, though sometimes she overwhelms you with the exuberance she bathes you in. It makes me feel so gratified to see you two together, smiling and laughing. 

You love bath time and kicking your legs, and I'm looking forward to you discovering more and more in the world that excites you. 

You are your own man, Declan, and I'm more than okay with that. You've taught me, and are teaching me daily, that life is not a checklist, we are not defined by the rate at which we achieve, and that we can thrive exactly as God made us. You give me courage, and joy to tackle my challenges, and peace to enjoy the moments. 

Like this one, right now, where you reached for my hand, because you like me close by when you drift off. I love you, my beautiful, singular, loving, wonderful six month old. 

Can I do this?

I had a "moment" during my workout this morning. It was my first post-vacation/post-injury JMBR workout and it was intense. Lots of jump lunges, jump squats, half moons, just tough! About halfway through I thought "and I'm starting BodyShred in less that five weeks? There's no way I can do this!" But then I thought to myself-"why not? There's no rule book that says you can't catch your breath, can't modify. You modify right now when you need to, don't psych yourself out and sell yourself short. You've come a long way in the past few months, from 3 push-ups at a time to 18, from no squats to jump squats. You can do this, and your performance will only improve!" 

It was a tough workout, but if it was easy it would be pointless. I don't want the results brought by doing what's comfortable, I want the insane results from pushing way beyond what feels doable. With strict respect for my body and where it is now of course-no injuries please. Tonight is spin (after 2 weeks off) and tomorrow is recovery so I can hit it hard again the rest of the week. I'm so excited to see how strong (and, if I'm honest, how much smaller) I'll be by Christmas! 

Looking at September

We are back from our wonderful vacation and I'm determined and motivated to make September a great month! There are a few part of this, and I'm gonna share and gather my thoughts here for myself and for you! 😜

Breastfeeding: more sleep! 

Declan is still nursing exclusively (no bottles, woohoo!) and I'm slowly weaning myself off the pump so not to lose my supply (vacation has me temporarily trying to boost it back at the moment!) I have stopped pumping at night, and even though this leads to more interrupted sleep, I think once I'm used to it, it will lead to much more and better sleep for me. More/better sleep means more energy and hopefully benefits for my fitness journey. 

Eating clean!

I'm ready to really clean things up around here, and commit to eating as clean  as I can, meaning cutting processed foods and as much sugar as possible. This will bring much more produce into my life and I'm really looking forward to the energy boost from that. I'm going to be keeping my food diary again, and hopefully I'll get the hang of eating enough pretty quickly. 

No alcohol this month! 

I'm going to abstain from alcohol entirely this month. I don't drink heavily anyway, but I'm gonna take the month off from my wine anyway, and see if it gives me a little weight loss boost. I may or may not allow red wine again sometimes in October.

Finishing Body Revolution!

I'm starting the final 4 weeks of this round of JMBR, and gearing up for BodyShred in October. I'm excited for that, and really want to start as strong as I can. 

Depression: 

August was a really bad month for my PPDA and I'm really hoping September is better. I'm going to spend more time having devotions, praying, and caring for myself. I'm also going to look into the possibility of group and individual therapy. 

Goals: 

The big goal for the month is to be comfortable in my size 8 skinnies by the time I start BodyShred, and it's a doozy from where I sit now. I'm gonna hit it hard and eat great though, and see if I can't hit it! The goal timeline will stay the same looking ahead, even if I take an extra couple weeks to hit this one. 

The other fitness goal is to be doing 4 sets of 25 push ups outside of my workouts twice a week by 10/5- I think this is doable, especially since I did 4 sets 18 today! 

Here's where I'm starting the month: 

Waist:31

Hips: 41

Thigh: 22.5

I'd like to lose an inch off each by the end  of the month. Don't know how doable, but it's a goal! 

That's what I'm looking at for this month... Let's do this! 

Reflection on my new goals and the journey ahead

So, this morning I found myself kinda "in my feelings" about where my body is right now and how overwhelming the road ahead feels. I've broken it into totally doable goals...I think. I keep telling myself, "hey, so you're not where you want to be right now, but think of where you will be a year from now! That thought blows my mind! I went from a size 14 to a 4 in 7 months, so if I'm a size 10 now, I could be a pretty ripped and shredded mama a year from now! That's the thing-the size 4 isn't a destination, it's a major milestone, and I don't want to be smaller, but it's also a jumping off point to achieve greatness too. From there I want to pursue yoga poses and strength I have never seen before, I want my RYT 200,  I want to reach new levels of performance in spin class, i want to go hiking with my husband and not be dragging behind him. 

So, how do we eat an elephant? It's gotta be one day at a time, one goal at a time. I'll keep an eye on the mid-term goal, which is those size 4 jeans, but I can only try to conquer what's right in front of me. 

Right now that's a pair of size 8 shorts I want to wear on vacation next week. They just about fit. I'm going to finish out this week of workouts, drink my dandelion/cranberry/lemon drink, and enjoy my vacation and recovery week.  Then I will come home with a renewed commitment to:

-Eat clean--it's far to easy to buy processed stuff, and snack all the time, especially as a mom of 2 bitties. But, no. As a rule, we are all going to do better about this. 

-track what I'm eating-- this is to serve two purposes: to make sure I'm eating enough, and to reassure me when I'm starving in the evening that I have eaten enough. Not eating enough has been historically my biggest weight loss barrier. 

-stick to eating only at mealtime. It's easy to use breastfeeding as a reason to snack, but my metabolism will thank me if I don't. What I need to do is make my 4 meals a day big enough to use all my calories. 

- start walking again. The fresh air will do wonders for clearing my head and for the kids. The plan is to walk for 45-60 min, then hit the playground as often as weather allows. 

-wean off pumping. Declan hasn't had a bottle in 2.5 weeks, so I'm basically pumping to keep supply steady while he really adjusts to having to work harder for his food. Hopefully by the end of September we can be in enough of a rhythm that I can have that time back. I imagine the freedom and reduced stress will be a huge benefit. All the cortisol can't be helping. 

All these things should help me reach my next goal: my size 8 skinny jeans by 10/5. That's just under 7 weeks from now, after completing Body Revolution and taking a recovery week. I feel like it's totally doable if I stay committed to the above. 

Then, I'll do my first round of BodyShred and hopefully end that 12 weeks wearing my size 6 jeans when we go to Nebraska for Christmas. 

In January I plan to do a Whole30 and a month of potpourri workouts before my second round of BodyShred to finish in late March, and ending with Size 4 jeans. 

After that, the focus shifts to performance as I work through a couple months of master training and yoga. Maybe I'll even see my abs by summer! 

That's the plan, and it's beyond reasonable if I stick to my guns.one pant size every 3 months? Considering I've lost one every month for 5 months before, I think so.  Notice what word isn't in any of those goals,? "Weigh." Because the scale isn't an accurate measure of progress for me. I'll weigh myself from time to time, but I'm much more interested in the number in my jeans, though I won't be defined by it. 

Our Breastfeeding Journey: the current chapter, 8/15

So, we've come a long way through nipple shields, tongue tie, syringes, bottles, timers, waking constantly throughout the night, and lots and lots of pumping. Okay, so there's still a lot of that last one going on. 

Last week sometime, Declan had a hiccup in his seemingly magical progress in nursing, and started pulling off and screaming a few minutes into every feeding. He, like the rest of us, was and is adjusting to the new schedule, and we still haven't quite figured out nap logistics where I'm not holding him and he's not being bothered by Lexi, so he's been very overtired. That might explain this behavior, but it still wasn't fun. Add to that that he had also decided he didn't want to take a bottle anymore, and you have a mama who started to freak out a little about whether he's getting enough milk. 

I decided that all I can really do is offer milk at regular intervals and respond to any requests between. I can't make him eat, and trying to is only going to make it worse. So I fed him, I pumped, and I had Scott offer him bottles, most of which he rejected. It's Tuesday noon, and he hasn't taken a bottle since Saturday around this time. 

On one hand, this is what I really want-no more bottles, and ultimately no more pumping. At the moment, though, it's making me a little nervous. He's at least mostly stopped the freaking out while eating, and I feel like he's eating pretty efficiently overall.  I'm feeding him at least every 2-3h, and more often when he seems interested and pumping as often as I'm able after.  I'm also doing all I can to get him naps, though it may take awhile to get that sorted. He has plenty of diapers and is a happy  camper so I'm going to work with him and not worry. .modt of all, I'm not going to fall back into the obsession about it with weight checks and timing and stress. It may take a little time, but we will figure this out together and it's gonna be great, because we will be exactly where I want once we do! 

Halfway Point/Breaking Point

It may be partly that I'm tired and still adjusting to getting up at 6am, it may be partly hormones, but I just want to quit working out. I've been working out consistently and eating pretty clean (and definitely not too much) for 3 months now, and I'm seeing no tangible measurable payoff. I know I'm getting stronger, some definition is returning in my arms, and my depression is manageable, but I'm still in the same pant size I was 3 weeks postpartum and that literally makes me cry. I know results will come, and I'm laying groundwork and all that, but it's like I said to Scott the other day: If you went to work and gave your best every day and never got a paycheck, knowing that someday at some unknown  arbitrary time you'd start getting paid...You'd probably say "well why don't I just start working when you're gonna pay me?" 

I'm getting up at 6am when I could get up at 8, I'm pushing my body as hard as it can go 4-6x a week, and I'm not sure I can keep it up indefinitely with no payoff. 

I know why I'm not seeing results, most likely. It's because I'm EBF Declan and working outta the same time. My body is freaking out and holding on to the weight.  I can't not work out, though. I promised myself I would do better and take better care of myself from day 1 this time, so I'm going to. I really need something to give though. 

Another thing that's discouraging me has been my workout performance. I am finishing weeks 5/6 (but really week 8 because of restarting this level after my surgery) of body Revolution, which makes tomorrow my halfway point. This being my fourth time through the program, I remember what I felt like at this point before, and I really don't remember workout 5 being so hard. I've wracked my brain about why it is bringing me to tears and taking me 50 min (it has a 37 min run time) to complete. I have come up with two answers: a) I was 14 months postpartum at this point my first time through- not just under 5. b) I was not doing the plyo moves or cardio intervals (usually walking in place). That makes a huge difference in intensity, and I'm doing everything this time through.  

So I probably shouldn't feel bad about that. But I'm really not looking forward to leveling up on Monday, because I remember workout 7 being my least favorite. 

Finally, I'm really struggling with comparison. I've come a long way with this, but it is still an area I'm being stretched in. I see other people's pictures and want to cry, especially moms who had babies close to when I did, and their baby weight just fell off from breastfeeding, and they are all sorts of hi cal food and are rail thin. I am not that person and my journey isn't going to be theirs, but dang it twists the knife. I don't know how to reconcile how hard I work for no results with seeing others where I want to be with no effort (in their own words). 

 

I just don't want to feel this anymore. 

Ladybug Girl turns three

My Sweet, Beautiful, Vibrant Girl, where do I begin? I cannot believe in only twelve and a half hours it'll have been three years since that life changing moment when I first saw your face and kissed your head and fell in love. You were my dream come true, and still are, more every day. You've grown up so much in this past year, and as these pictures will show, you've changed most strikingly since you became a big sister. There's very little baby left in you, though you will

Always be my baby girl. 

You are incredibly tender hearted, especially towards your mama, who's been exceedingly (one of your favorite words) weepy over the past year. When I was in early labor with Declan, I was feeling tired, discouraged, and frustrated, and you kissed my tear streaked face and prayed with Daddy and I. 

You hate conflict, and if you sense an argument between Daddy and I beginning, you sail in and break it up, or at least try. You also tend to run and hide when you think you're in trouble. It's so sweet to see your sensitivity, and I promise I will never try to change that. 

You are still my cuddlebug. You love to be held in my arms and in my lap. We were so spoiled while I carried your brother inside me, because we had so much time for this. I will always cherish all the sweet days when it was just you and I, our last months of you being my only baby. 

Christmas has officially become more fun than it's ever been. You love everything about it, especially the decorations and lights. I know it'll just get more fun every year now, but this year was incredible, as you discovered everything from songs to Santa to music in sync with light displays.  We went out a half dozen times to look at lights, and every time we were done, you cried and begged for more. 

It was such a cold winter, and I hated not being able to play in the snow with you, but I'm so glad you and Daddy got to enjoy it, even when the temps were in the single digits and you had to go out in the dark to play. 

We were a little nervous that you'd struggle with the transition from only child to big sister, but you've been unbelievable, even in the face of me having to give Declan almost everything those first couple months. You fell madly in love with him from day one, and it's such a blessing to see you two develop a relationship. 

You blow me away with your tenderness and eagerness to help and encourage and love your brother. So many times a day you tell me you love him and he's "so cute!" I love hearing you say "Good morning, Brother!" And "I love you, Declan!"

I know you're waiting (with varied levels of patience) for him to be able to play with you, and I promise it's coming. 

In the meantime, you are growing and learning in leaps and bounds. You know your alphabet, your alphabet sounds, colors, shapes, how to count to twenty, how to spell your name and your brother's, and more every day. We are going to start school together in September, and I love how you're already excited! 

You've become passionate about painting and dancing, as well as playing drums and singing. We are planning to put you in dance classes soon, and I'm excited to develop your other passions as well. 

It amazes me how perceptive you are and how you notice everything. You love nature and animals and you are so free and full of joy in every experience. You make me want to be brave and open to pursuing my passions too. 

One passion I see developing that I want to feed is your beginning faith. You love to pray and often ask to, and love to talk about "Lord Jesus!" I am praying daily for ways to help you grow this into a relationship for eternity. 

You have grown so much, my sweet Bella Bug, but you are still my baby, my princess, my Peanut. I love you, beyond words, more than you know, and I'm so very proud and thankful to be your Mama. 

Rethinking Goals

It's occurred to me that I've had some unrealistic expectations on myself. I know, this isn't shocking if you've been following my journey any length of time. 

The first area where I've been riding myself too hard is schedule. I was in such a groove a year ago, early in my pregnancy with Declan. Up/Devo/eat, workout, Lexi up and fed, go for a walk, etc. now, I'm just fighting to get up before 9 and my workout done before 11. Most days that's as productive as I  get. The productivity is improving, but I mean, I'm up for an hour in the middle of the night to pump, which basically steals an hour and a half of sleep. Add to that the fact that many nights I struggle to get in bed before 1130- a year ago I was on a solid 10-6 in bed schedule- and it's no wonder I'm having a hard time. Not to mention, life is so different. My body is still recovering from birth, I have a four month old and a three year old (tomorrow), and the first 2.5 months of my postpartum were absolute hell followed by 2 months of intense tooth pain. Things are finally starting to look up, but have a long way to go. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Scott told me last night "at any given time, you can only do the most important thing in that moment. You're doing that, and I'm proud of you." And you know what? The rest will come. It's already started to. 

Maybe, instead of trying to go whole hog and get up early, work out early, do housework, play outside, do school, etc all at once, maybe a better plan is this:

Week 1: work on going to bed on time/getting up on time and one housework catch up project a day. 

Week 2: this week start moderate housework at a maintainable level.

Week 3: this week work in school. 

Week 4: now try to keep it going. 

The other area I'm struggling with my own expectations in is my fitness journey. I'm getting stronger for sure, but not shrinking quickly (if at all) and I'm really frustrated with push ups. I'm definitely not eating too much, I'm pretty sure I'm eating enough not to send my body into  starvation, so I'm just gonna work on reducing sugar, and being intentional about where my calories come from. I've stopped buying prepackaged and processed snacks, and hopefully that'll help. The lack of external results is really messing with me though, and I really don't see an end to that, because I don't see what's gonna suddenly change and make the weight start coming off. I'm sure it will eventually, and in theory I can be patient, but it's hard to push myself like this without reward. I don't even have the reward of having more energy or feeling better yet, because my sleep is such a mess. Maybe working on that will help too. I fully believe that sticking with this will pay off-there's no way it won't. But right now, I'm feeling very impatient and burnt out. When it's time to wake up and work out, or get ready for spin class, I just want to go back to sleep! You'll probably hear more of this as I work through this funk. And that's why I write here-to help myself work through stuff and to show the journey between the progress photos. 

I've read a number of places that it takes the body a year to recover from giving birth, so why in the world did I set a goal to be back in my tiniest pants ever in less than 6 months for our vacation?

As of right now, my new goal is to be back in my size 8's by then ( 4 weeks 2 days), and then take the next 6 months to lose the other 2 sizes. I feel like that is beyond doable, and notice I said nothing about the scale. I have no idea how long it's gonna take to get back to 150, which is what I weighed the day I found out I was pregnant, but what matters more to me is fitting and feeling and looking good in my clothes. So I guess that means I'm shooting for a size 6 by Christmas and a size 4 by Declan's birthday.  I feel good about that! 

Overachieving

So, I had an emergency wisdom tooth extraction two weeks ago, and recovery took about 10 days. I really started feeling like myself again over the weekend, and went full steam into trying to be productive from Saturday to yesterday (Tuesday). Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't get out of bed till 11 this morning. Safe to say, if been kinda overdoing it out of the gate. I had a bunch more housework catch up planned for today and tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe I need to take it a little easier and build back into things at a more moderate pace. 

I'm sharing this because I can't be the only one who does this and gets frustrated and discouraged. PCOS has always made itself known through fatigue, but since I've started living healthier, that hasn't been such a problem. Since Declan has been born though, I have had a number of times where I had a burst of active energy only to get bowled over. So, the rest of the week, I'm going to be focusing on getting to bed on time and up on time and getting my workout done. Then next week, maybe I can finish playing catch up on the house. :-) 

Postpartum Depression and how I'm treating mine.

I have postpartum depression and anxiety. Just like with "regular" depression, there are good days and bad days, easier weeks, and harder ones. It took me four months to accept that this was even my reality, and there are a couple reasons for that. 

One is that I feared that if I admitted it, it meant I had to go back on the drugs, which is something I really didn't/don't want.  The other is that this isn't hormones, it's based on real circumstances that are breaking my heart and discouraging me, and sapping my joy, so it can't or PPD, right? Reality is that this condition comes in many forms, with varying symptoms and causes, and maybe my pain is real, but that doesn't mean it's not worsened by the hormones that are still raging. 

Here's what I've discovered about why and what this looks like for me: 

Why: the biggest factor has been breastfeeding. I wrote about that journey here ( http://sweetmaeb.blogspot.com/2015/07/our-breastfeeding-journeyso-far.html?m=1) , and I'd encourage you to read it. Nursing another baby was one of the biggest parts of my dream of another baby, and as one of  my friends put it, I'm mourning the loss of what I dreamed it would be. That's been really hard, on top of just the physical work and toll of all the nursing and pumping. Another friend asked if what was weighing me down was juggling two kids, or just the nursing. I emphatically answered "just the nursing." And for the most part, that's true. Another factor is my frustration with the fact that dating back to when I was 21 weeks pregnant with him, there have been doctors (not my OB) with manufactured worries about him, that have turned out to be entirely nothing, and since I'm a naturally anxious person, I don't need that crap. I don't want to get into this, because it will make me cry and angry. Suffice it to say Declan is great and developing at his own pace in beautiful ways. The third factor springs off the nursing-my productivity is so far less than I'd like it to be that it brings me to tears, because of the time and energy stolen by pumping. Add to all that my frustration with slow progress in shrinking my body -again because of breastfeeding, and a huge dose of hormones, and you get PPDA Mae. 

PPDA Mae looks like this: 

Some days I am a bundle of energy and productivity and hope and excitement-basically myself. I cook, I organize, I plan, I roll with the plans changing. Many days though, all I can manage is to feed, pump, cuddle kids, and work out, and nothing else. I stay up way too late, get up to pump, and struggle to fall asleep again. The worst days also include tears, angry outbursts, a couple walls punched (that only resulted in a jacked up hand), and the desire not to do any of this anymore because what's the point when all I do is fail? 

I know I have many people who love me, but I'm sick of being needy, so I wade through this feeling very alone. I know it's partly my fault for isolating myself, and maybe people don't know, though I don't try to hide it. I've only been to church twice since Christmas and it feels like nobody notices. That's not an accusation, just something I wrestle with. I don't have a close girlfriend who I talk to regularly. I am thankful beyond words for Scott and all the ways he cares for me, has stepped up to share the load, and the ways he's pampering me. Max has also been incredible and I'm overwhelmed by his care too. 

I'm not taking meds, and I don't plan to. Historically I've only needed to treat my depression with medication when I'm not exercising consistently-which can be a crazy cycle. I can't make myself exercise because I'm depressed, even though it would make all the difference. I have been exercising fairly regularly since Declan was 2 weeks old in some form,  and now I'm basically back to my ore-pregnancy schedule, if not fitness level/intensity, so if I stay in this healthy pattern, I should be able to continue improving without pharmaceutical aid

Here's what I am doing: if you've read  what I wrote about self care awhile back, you're familiar with most of it, but I'll share again, because it's looking different in practice than in theory. 

I am using my essential oils. There is power in aromatherapy, and I've seen it in instant rescue from panic attacks. 

I am making personal prettification part of my routine. 

Exercise.

Working on improving sleep with magnesium and going to bed earlier.

Massage-treat yo self! Or let your hubby do it. 

I'm being really open with Scott.

I'm celebrating what I accomplish each day. 

Hope this encourages you. PPD is not a character flaw, and it is real. 

Our Breastfeeding Journey...So Far

To say that nursing Declan has been an adventure is an understatement. From day 1 I knew it might be harder than with Lexi, but I wasn't going to to stop no matter what. There would be no formula. That's what I was set on, and I'm very thankful I have succeeded in that. I also didn't want to introduce a bottle unless absolutely necessary because (due to Lexi's outright rejection of them after her first few) I was/am much more a fan of the simplicity of just nursing, without all the work of pumping. At this point, I have soooo much admiration for mamas who exclusively pump, especially those who work full time. (S/o to my Sissy Beans!) our journey continues to evolve, but I feel we've reached a major turning point, so I want to share with you where we have been over the last four and a half months.

First, let me say that I was totally unprepared for this to be difficult at all. Everything about Lexi was easy and natural, and after a very early latching challenge that was easily solved by 3 months with a nipple shield, nursing her was a breeze. I had never experienced the things that make women quit nursing. Now I have. Pretty much all of them, actually. 

So, the first time they put Declan in my arms, at mere seconds old, I saw that he had a tongue tie. I was aware of the solution for this and so still felt like we would be ok. The first time I tried to nurse him, maybe a half hour later, I pointed the tie out to the nurse. She said "yeah but it's not severe, so it won't interfere with breastfeeding."  And the first couple times, it didn't seem like it would. He was impatient and cranky (but who wouldn't be after a 40 hour birth process where you were just facing all kinds of wrong and had to be yanked out by vaccum?) but we didn't really start having a challenge until that first night late. He was screaming, not staying latched, and I'm order to get him to nurse at all I had to stand and rock him in the football hold and sing. It was exhausting on top of a very difficult recovery. Some of this was due to his personality, the circumstances of his entry to the world, and I figured some was due to the same anatomical challenge Lexi and I had had-I have fat flat nipples-my babies have bitty mouths. So, the following morning I asked for a nipple shield from the Lactation Consultant, but she was busy and in the meantime I had two wonderful nursing students who were both mamas come work with us. We pumped, we used shells, we finger fed him. It was encouraging but still hard, in my exhausted state. He wanted nothing to do with the nipple shield. 

We kept nursing with varied success the rest of our hospital stay. When we got home, suddenly he started latching great with the nipple shield! He had actually gained a few ounces back by the first visit to the pediatrician! Things seemed to be looking up, even though my recovery was going very slowly and hard.

 At about two weeks, he started making a clicking sound when he nursed, and I noticed lots of milk was leaking from his mouth and that concerned me. We kept going though, as I had no better plan. I was getting very discouraged, and a bit obsessed with his diaper count, which was thru the roof. 

At four weeks, even though we continued to struggle, I was holding as steady as I could, when he rejected the nipple shield and started nursing 5 min on one side every 2-3 hours. This horrified me and I had a flat out breakdown that may have included me punching a wall and really messing my hand up when he was 4.5 weeks old. We had a weight check that showed he was on track, so I tried to relax a little and trust him to lead. That lasted less than 2 weeks. 

At 6w2d I took Declan to see my dear sweet friend Melissa who is a CLC. She and I had been texting constantly since Declan's birth, and I am still so very thankful for her support and understanding. We weighed him, and saw that in the 10 days since his last check, he'd gained 3 oz. not great. Then she watched me nurse him, and we weighed him again. He gained 3oz from 7 min of nursing on one side. So that was pretty good! We talked awhile, and Melissa agreed that the tongue tie (which had also kinda been brushed off by the ped at this point) was a likely culprit for the clicking and insufficient milk transfer. Plus, I could feel my previously robust supply starting to dip. She recommended I go see an ibclc and the next morning, I did. It was a good appointment, and while she didn't think the tongue tie was necessarily the issue, she gave me a good plan of giving him an extra 4oz a day by spoon or syringe, since I was wary of complicating things with a bottle. This worked great, and he gained 6 oz over the next 6 days! He hated being supplemented this way though, and I hated doing it. I also did more research on tongue ties and decided it was time to get it clipped, because it could make all the difference, and at worst it would do nothing. 

 The same day we had his tongue clipped, I also decided to offer the supplement in a bottle. This went better than the syringe, though he still wasn't a fan. This was a huge scary step for me, as I was afraid he'd prefer the bottle and reject nursing entirely. He didn't. He also gained 15oz between weight checks in 12 days. Looked like we were out of the woods on weight gain, even if I was spending my entire days and nights pumping and nursing. Seeing the improvement he made over the weeks following the procedure-it wasn't instant, and even now he slips back into old habits-I am as sure as I can be that the problem was his tongue tie. Mamas, if your suspect at all that a tongue or lip tie is causing you and your baby challenges, I advise you to get it clipped. There is no downside. It is impossible to tell by looking at a tie whether it will be a problem, because it's a matter of how anatomy matches up. My fat flat nipples, Declan's tie, and his bit of a high palate all added up to a problem, but with the clip and a lot of stubbornness, we are doing far better.

Since then, I've been nursing as often as Declan is interested, pumping after as many feedings as possible, and feeding him what I pump. This has been workable, but far more time consuming than I'd like long term. Declan had also gotten a bit cranky about the work associated with nursing and was refusing more often than not during the day. I've also weathered a few intense supply dips  where all I did for days at a time was nurse, pump, eat, and pop supplements.

Then, something I feared would damage our nursing relationship may have been the catalyst for the biggest change yet. I had to have emergency dental surgery to extract a wisdom tooth that had me in constant pain from when Declan was 5 weeks old on. In order to let me recover as well as I could even while maintaining my grueling pumping schedule, Scott took over nighttime feeding of Declan. This let me get a 5-6 hour stretch of sleep before my body woke me to pump, then go right to sleep again. We did that for about 7 nights, then I actively started trying to nurse more, and teach him to nurse lying down. Now, unless he's extremely sleepy/cranky and therefore less willing  to work, he never rejects nursing, and seems to be draining me better than he ever has. 

Because of these developments, I feel like my goal of being free of the pump is in reach. I'm still pumping after most feedings, but unless it was a bad feeding, I'm only pumping for 10 minutes, or one letdown. As soon as Declan stops seeming like he needs what I pump in addition to nursing (I usually give it to him before nap and at bedtime now), I'll reduce pumping over time and reserve it for replacing feedings when needed instead of keeping my supply up. 

So, that's where we are now, and I'm excited to see us get where we want to be. 

Mamas, only you can decide what's best for you and your baby, but if you really want to breastfeed, I believe you can overcome any obstacle, and I'm here to help! 

First Latch

First comfortable NIP

My first workout with my Apple Watch

For my birthday last Friday I was given an Apple Watch by Scott and Max. I was and still am blown away. It's so fancy and cool and I love it! 

This morning was my first workout using it, and I have thoughts. 

The good: the heart rate monitor  was very accurate when I was standing and some of the time when I was on the ground. It always kept contact and never dropped to zero on me 

The bad: it did, however, become wildly inaccurate at certain times, like during push ups, mountain climbers, scissors, and took awhile to correct itself. I was fairly frustrated by this, but I'm hoping to figure out a way to prevent it or at least limit it. 

Overall I'm very happy with it as a fitness tracker, and am optimistic that I can work out the kinks. I really like the apps and the interface. It is a bit nerve wracking to get all sweaty wearing it! 

Buckling down and tightening up

So, kinda continuing where I left off last week, (I may have lost a couple pounds, which is cool, but I'm not shrinking much yet. More on that on Monday when I take stock and update stats at the end of phase 1) I'm still feeling pretty Grr and Meh about my progress so far, externally at least. I'm clearly not going to be a size 4, or probably even a 6, by the time we go to Emerald Isle. I have to be okay with that. My body is still recovering from Declan's birth, which in some ways was much harder than the average normal birth(and did you know the body takes at least a year to fully recover?). I'm breastfeeding exclusively, which is a huge factor, and I'm adjusting still to having two kids to take care of. I have to be fair to myself. 

There's not a ton I can do to make my body return to where it was a year ago quicker than it wants to, but there are ways to optimize my success and results. 

Food:Cut the processed stuff, especially sugar. This means no more protein powders, sugary yogurts, and processed snacks. It probably means I should give up or at least limit the veggie straws I'm so fond of lately. LOTS of greens and more veggies. Confession: I all but quit eating vegetables during both Lexi and Declan pregnancies. No grazing, instead eat 3 meals and two snacks while nursing, cut back to one when done nursing. 

Recovery: I can improve my recovery by consuming anti-inflammatory foods like ginger, turmeric, bananas, avocados, coconut water, and more. This is super important, as my productivity takes s hit when I'm sore or tired from training hard. 

Sleep: I need to go to bed earlier. 1130 is just too late if I want to be out of bed close to 6, and be done working out by 9. My record so far is having the workout done by 1030, btw. Im going back to drinking my magnesium every night for awhile too. That should be good for both sleep and milk production.

Mental health/self care: I've said this before, but I'm still working on it. Showers, a little makeup, a massage. Maybe some time in the sun. I need these things. 

Most of all, I need to celebrate consistency. I've done so awesome so far! I started exercising regularly when Declan was only 2 months old. That's a vast improvement over the 7 months it took after Lexi, and even then I wasn't consistent. Tomorrow is my last day of phase 1 and Monday I start phase 2. I can't wait to see how strong I'll get, and let's be real, I'm looking forward to some inch loss too!

Frustrations and comparisons

So I shared yesterday that I'm frustrated with my external progress. I really really am. I'm trying to be patient and lety body figure things out, and tweak and experiment with my calorie intake, but it's really tough to push and push and be tired and sore without the payoff. I've been here before and I got through it, and I will this time too, but right now I'm really struggling emotionally. This is compounded by the fact that we are going to Virginia Beach this weekend to see my family-which I'm really excited about-and that brings up my insecurities and struggles with comparison. My little sister, who has always been beautiful and thin, had a baby 8 weeks before me, and bounced back soooo fast-partly due to her super metabolism, partly due to being 24. We are totally different women and comparison isn't fair, but I struggle mightily with it. I work sooooo hard and am so conscious of what I eat, while she sends me pictures of fries and frosties. None of this is her fault, but gosh it's disheartening. I'm praying today for freedom from this insecure struggle and the ability to relax and enjoy the time with my family. Oh, and that I'll have shrunk a little by Monday morning. 😉

Almost three weeks down...

And I have yet to see any change in my physique. I know sometimes it takes awhile for me, and that I'm very swollen from all the hard work, but I feel gross, dumpy, and incredibly frustrated. My performance in cycle class has blown me away so far, and I'm doing far better than expected at my jmbr workouts, but I really want the external results too. Let's be honest, that's a huge part of why I'm doing this, and I really need some payoff to motivate me to keep going. I've got cycle class tonight, and one last jmbr tomorrow, and hopefully this weekend will be a good chance to recover and let the swelling go down. I'm really hoping to check in Monday with some good news.