PPDA Progress

I'm a little nervous to say this, but I think we might be through the worst of this. It's been a few weeks, and it feels like overall things are better. Things are still hard, and some days and parts of days are really hard, but looking back, I just can't believe how far I've come. 

Before I get into the things I'm doing to support this, and the things that are helping, I have to share something that's making my heart burst. I have loved Declan from the moment I met him, I have been entirely devoted to him and his well being, I have given all I have and more to care for him and lavish love on him, but  the first few months were really hard and exhausting on a practical level, I wasn't even sure if Declan liked me in my state of wrung out-ness for at least 5 weeks. Then, even after things started getting easier, this fog of hormonal darkness has kept me from the loopy, drunken euphoric stuff I felt for Lexi. Until now. Sometime over the past month, I have fallen madly, fully, head over heels in love with a red haired, blue eyed, sugary sweet smiled Little Boy. 

I mean... Look at him!

One day at a time, I'm becoming the Mama I want to be for these two wonderful little people.

I've gotten a lot of systems in place, and am working on making routines truly habitual and routine. School is going great- we just finished week 8! I can't believe we are 20% of the way through the school year already!  I have been working out consistently and with commitment for over five months, and that is something to celebrate. I'm getting more housework done each week. I've been making a menu and sticking to it better all the time- cooking at least 5 nights a week and usually a few lunches too. (More if you count fixing wraps and quesadillas, and making Lexi and my breakfast each day.) all the little things are victories. Because 5-6 months ago I was feeding Declan and making sure Lexi ate and was clean and that was about it. I'm doing soooo much better than that now.

Here are some things that are helping: 

Daily Devotions:

I'm getting more and more consistent at this. I'm starting a study of Galatians on Monday. Starting my day like this makes all the difference. The days I do, I am more patient and loving and enjoy the moments that are beautiful. 

Aromatherapy:

Don't roll your eyes. Essential oils have changed my life. Maybe they don't help everyone, but DoTerra has some amazing blends, and even singles that have pulled me out of panic attacks, helped me sleep, helped start my day well, fixed Lexi's attitude... I could go on, and that's not even going into the health benefits I've found from them. This week I received my brand new Emotional Aromatherapy Kit with six new blends and a guide on usage and it does not disappoint. 

Exercise:

This is my medicine. I MUST do it and I notice a definite surge of negative stuff when I miss a day. I'm having to evaluate whether I want to keep doing Tuesday nights because Shelle had to give the class up, but cycle is definitely worth the work even when I don't wanna.

Eating well, vitamins:

I've really been focusing on making sure 90% of what I eat is super nutritive and clean, and it can't help but be Good, right? I've also been taking my supplements consistently. 

Getting out: 

I've been working on getting more people time. I've gone to church, worship night, we've rejoined our Gel Group, and...

I've joined MOPS! I've only been once so far, but I already love these ladies and how real they are, and I've been having lots of fun with them on Facebook! They have a book club, and mom's nights out, and Lexi is making new friends and will get to sing a song in the Christmas Program at the church where our group is based! 

Massage Therapy: 

I'm having a session with Jamie at least once a month and I wish it was weekly. This probably makes as big a difference as exercise, because it's someone caring for me and physical touch is definitely my top love language. 

General self-care:

I'm making time to wash my face and put on makeup after I work out each day, and even get a shower more often! This does a lot to boost my mood and remind me I'm worth the care and time.

I know my journey with this isn't over, and there will still be hard days, and maybe hard weeks, but I am so thankful for how things are improving. 

If you're struggling with PPD or PPDA, you are not alone. There are so many mamas facing this and so many things that can help.

Postpartum Depression and how I'm treating mine.

I have postpartum depression and anxiety. Just like with "regular" depression, there are good days and bad days, easier weeks, and harder ones. It took me four months to accept that this was even my reality, and there are a couple reasons for that. 

One is that I feared that if I admitted it, it meant I had to go back on the drugs, which is something I really didn't/don't want.  The other is that this isn't hormones, it's based on real circumstances that are breaking my heart and discouraging me, and sapping my joy, so it can't or PPD, right? Reality is that this condition comes in many forms, with varying symptoms and causes, and maybe my pain is real, but that doesn't mean it's not worsened by the hormones that are still raging. 

Here's what I've discovered about why and what this looks like for me: 

Why: the biggest factor has been breastfeeding. I wrote about that journey here ( http://sweetmaeb.blogspot.com/2015/07/our-breastfeeding-journeyso-far.html?m=1) , and I'd encourage you to read it. Nursing another baby was one of the biggest parts of my dream of another baby, and as one of  my friends put it, I'm mourning the loss of what I dreamed it would be. That's been really hard, on top of just the physical work and toll of all the nursing and pumping. Another friend asked if what was weighing me down was juggling two kids, or just the nursing. I emphatically answered "just the nursing." And for the most part, that's true. Another factor is my frustration with the fact that dating back to when I was 21 weeks pregnant with him, there have been doctors (not my OB) with manufactured worries about him, that have turned out to be entirely nothing, and since I'm a naturally anxious person, I don't need that crap. I don't want to get into this, because it will make me cry and angry. Suffice it to say Declan is great and developing at his own pace in beautiful ways. The third factor springs off the nursing-my productivity is so far less than I'd like it to be that it brings me to tears, because of the time and energy stolen by pumping. Add to all that my frustration with slow progress in shrinking my body -again because of breastfeeding, and a huge dose of hormones, and you get PPDA Mae. 

PPDA Mae looks like this: 

Some days I am a bundle of energy and productivity and hope and excitement-basically myself. I cook, I organize, I plan, I roll with the plans changing. Many days though, all I can manage is to feed, pump, cuddle kids, and work out, and nothing else. I stay up way too late, get up to pump, and struggle to fall asleep again. The worst days also include tears, angry outbursts, a couple walls punched (that only resulted in a jacked up hand), and the desire not to do any of this anymore because what's the point when all I do is fail? 

I know I have many people who love me, but I'm sick of being needy, so I wade through this feeling very alone. I know it's partly my fault for isolating myself, and maybe people don't know, though I don't try to hide it. I've only been to church twice since Christmas and it feels like nobody notices. That's not an accusation, just something I wrestle with. I don't have a close girlfriend who I talk to regularly. I am thankful beyond words for Scott and all the ways he cares for me, has stepped up to share the load, and the ways he's pampering me. Max has also been incredible and I'm overwhelmed by his care too. 

I'm not taking meds, and I don't plan to. Historically I've only needed to treat my depression with medication when I'm not exercising consistently-which can be a crazy cycle. I can't make myself exercise because I'm depressed, even though it would make all the difference. I have been exercising fairly regularly since Declan was 2 weeks old in some form,  and now I'm basically back to my ore-pregnancy schedule, if not fitness level/intensity, so if I stay in this healthy pattern, I should be able to continue improving without pharmaceutical aid

Here's what I am doing: if you've read  what I wrote about self care awhile back, you're familiar with most of it, but I'll share again, because it's looking different in practice than in theory. 

I am using my essential oils. There is power in aromatherapy, and I've seen it in instant rescue from panic attacks. 

I am making personal prettification part of my routine. 

Exercise.

Working on improving sleep with magnesium and going to bed earlier.

Massage-treat yo self! Or let your hubby do it. 

I'm being really open with Scott.

I'm celebrating what I accomplish each day. 

Hope this encourages you. PPD is not a character flaw, and it is real.