Approaching a Waypoint

I couldn't really think of the right word, so that'll have to do. I'm having a slow start due to Anxhaustion (this is my new word that just sums it all up-anxiety caused by exhaustion that creates more exhaustion, creating more anxiety. Yay.) but I'm going to write while I drink my coffee and my workout will absolutely still happen. And yoga too. Annnnnywaaaaay...

We leave for vacation three weeks from tomorrow! I'm SO looking forward to this trip, to play with Lexi in the waves, to introduce Declan to the beach, to relax and eat good food (hopefully resist too much of the stuff that tastes good but isn't...), to spend unscheduled unpressured time with some of my favorite people, and get a good dose of vitamin D. 

It also marks my first concrete goal. I want to be able to fit comfortably and aesthetically, my size 6 jeans and capris. I think I'll be able to, also. I tried them on yesterday, and they buttoned and zipped just fine, though they were muffin toppy and not ideal around the middle. Nothing that didn't seem within the realm of 3 weeks of hard work though. This is a big exciting deal for me, because getting into those pants means that I'm one size away from my smallest ever, and that puts my goal of size four jeans by the end of BodyShred (late October) within reach. Once I get those size four jeans, a very big part of my fitness journey will be past, and a new, exciting, and challenging one will continue and come to the forefront. Ropes n Guns n Abs, baybeeee! 

The past few weeks I've found myself frustrated by what I can't do, or can't do without modifying in my Jillian Michaels workouts. In most of the (non body Revolution) workouts I do of hers, I do the advanced version of almost every move. Now, I'm in level 3 of Killer Arms and Back as well as Killer Abs, and there are some moves in both I just flat out can't do, and even modified is like WHAa?  That's hard. So, I can definitely see that when I finish my first round of BodyShred (probably having to modify a TON) my focus the next time through is going to be being Able to actually DO more. I'm trying to coach myself now to not get discouraged, because I know it's gonna be SO hard, from day 1, and I will have to improvise on a lot of the cardio the first round, because plyo is not the best plan for me, but I'm going to do this, I'm going to get stronger, and I'm going to conquer, just like I always have. 3.5 years ago I had never done a push up on my toes, now I can crank out sets of 25. I can do this. 

Today is my last Killer Abs workout of this round, and Monday I start 3 weeks of Killer Body, and I'll pick up one more week of that after Vacation before starting Bodyshred. I've previewed the upper body workout for Killer Body, and holy Push ups! Yeah I'm gonna be humbled by this, but how awesome will it be in future rounds to see how far I've come? 

As much as I've felt frustrated and defeated along the way, and I know I may feel that way again, I'm really proud that I haven't given up. Through the PPDA, the exhaustion, the nursing challenges and pumping around the clock, the kids waking up too early, through mornings like this one where I feel like I can't get off the couch, where the fear of unknown bad is paralyzingly me, I haven't quit fighting for my health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And I won't. 

I'm gonna address something here that I don't talk about much. I know I could take meds and the PPDA would probably be a non factor, or at least less of one, but the effect that meds have had on my body in other ways makes that just not the right choice for me. I've never been able to shed fat or even maintain a healthy weight when on antidepressants. It's not just vanity either. My PCOS is worse in every way when I am heavier. My cycle doesn't exist, I have painful cysts, migraines, and more. I will work my tail off in exercise and eating good food and using oils and supplements-all more effort, all requiring consistency, but long term, a better solution for me. I haven't fully ruled out some talk therapy though. Updates on this part of my journey as they come. 

LadyBug Girl is Four!

My Four year old. You are light and love and my dreams and my heart, and I love you more than I ever knew possible. You also drive me crazy, but that's life with a daughter, I'm told. 

You're so very imaginative. We almost literally can't keep up with who you "are" from day to day, whether you're Peppa Pig, Sofia, Cinderella, Belle, Snow White, or about of the other many characters you play. It's both endearing and infuriating  to call your name and hear "No, I'm Belle!" We love the worlds you create though, and do our best to

Encourage you. 

You are very into making art now, whether drawing, painting, gluing, or...toothpaste? I encourage that too, within reasonable boundaries and rules. Haha! I love watching your creations look more and more realistic and hearing what's in your vibrant mind. 

Ballet is becoming a favorite activity too. You love your teacher, the girls in your class, and DANCIN! Your first recital was so fun, and I look forward to watching your confidence and skills grow. 

We really enjoyed our first year of homeschooling and are both excited to start again soon! You ask me almost daily if it's "uptember" yet, because you are so ready to learn to read! 

(Astronaut)

You're an incredible big sister, and impress me every day with your love for your "Bubby". You two play so well together and just love each other so much. If he's up and you're not, he misses and tries to get to you. I love hearing y'all laughing together in the car. I'm so thankful for how much you love being my big helper with him. 

You are the most passionate and sensitive child I've ever met-with parents like us, it makes sense-you certainly come by it honestly. You are so caring and loving, always making sure I'm doing ok, and if you sense even a little unhappiness you seek to comfort and encourage, not just me, but your brother and your friends too. The flip side of that is, for any highly sensitive person, that your negative feelings and reactions are big too. You love and laugh on a large scale, and you are sad and angry in a big way too. I'm learning to breathe deep in those moments and not let my own high sensitivity be caught up too, because what you need is calm and safety when your world feels stormy. I know this because I'm the same way, my love, my heart. 

Lexi Bella, I'm so thankful and blessed to be your mama that I don't have words. I thank God every day for the gift of you and all you are, and I always will. Especially on this day that's a reminder of my very first happiest day with you. I love you. 

LMAL: moving forward!

So, yesterday I decided that if I wait till I have "mornings" down to a science to move forward in my experiment, I'm gonna be waiting a long long time. At this point, I know what needs to change for the long term, and I can continue working towards that, even as I open up the next chapter in this journey. And, as if for confirmation of this realization, yesterday was about the smoothest morning I've had in this chapter! Go figure. 

I got up on time, came down, dodged a couple breakfast related wrenches, had my Devo time, got dressed, started my workout (only 10 minutes late, due to anxiety flaring up), finished my workout (only twenty minutes late, due to toddler interruptions and needing more breaks than usual cuz it was a really tough workout, y'all!), fed Lexi, nursed the Bub, washed my face and put on makeup, fed the Bub breakfast, got us all ready for a walk, and was home from that walk well before noon. 

Now, there are many improvements to be made, like having everything for the walk prepped ahead, streamlining my grooming time, maybe giving Bub his breakfast while on the walk(?), a better focus to make more of the time between 9-1030 (because we will need that during the school year), but overall, it went pretty well. 

Most of what I need to make my mornings run smoothly happens in the night before, and I'm doing *better* about being disciplined in making those things happen, but there's still work to do. Also, a few weekly items to make into routine. When I do get my evening routine dialed in more, I'm hoping to start getting up earlier, which will allow everything to shift back a bit. I can't rush that, though, because sleep is my best single weapon in  this battle against anxiety. Well, that, and my kids' smiles and hugs. 

Hopefully, with this foundation set, I can continue adding elements to our days that make us all better able to love our lives more. This school year fast approaches (7 more weeks!) and I'd like to have some rhythm by Sept 5. After this chapter of my experiment, I definitely feel better equipped to keep marching toward better mornings, which fuel and lead to better days. 

The next chapter, which I'll write on tomorrow,  is about intentionality in relationships and being with people, and as much as I love to love people, with where I am in my journey with PPDA, I'm about to panic just thinking about it. 

Pray for me, y'all...

Being the change. Or at least a start.

Last week, before the news was (as) flooded with the stuff we are seeing the past few days, I was on a walk with the kids, and a young man was walking a bit behind us, playing his music-which was fine except I was struck by a thought-what if Lexi hears, and what if she asks me "what's that mean, (N word)?" Like she does with so many new words? What do you tell a 3 year old that's honest, communicates the weight, but age appropriate? 

 If and when we have that conversation, I think I'll tell her: 

"That is an ugly word that you should never say because some people have used that word for a long long time to hurt other people and make them feel like they aren't important just because they look different. If you say that word, it will hurt people very much and make them sad and angry. We don't want to do that, we only love people with our words. "

And daily I'm asking myself how can I be the change, teach the change? Help break the cycle?  I'm just beginning to really be intentional, but for a start- We have Lexi in a ballet school that is geared toward less wealthy families (like us!) , and this season intentionally placed her at the location in the very predominantly black area-on purpose. There are 14 students in her class, 3 are white. We are immersing her in a community (for at least this hour of the week) in which *she* is the other, the one who is different. And you know what, these littles don't divide themselves. When Lexi and her little friend M met, they immediately threw their arms around each other and hugged. Multiple times every class they hug. Because love is natural and hate is learned.  The seeds of unkindness (in humanity) exist but The one that grows is the one that you water and feed and cultivate. 

Racism is so ingrained in our culture that we barely recognize our own prejudices. I'm sure I have some still, but I was raised to love. My mama had a friend who lived in a low income complex and I spent a chunk of my childhood running around, the only white kid enjoying frozen kool aid icees in a styrofoam cup. I loved Miss Doretha's grits. My best friend when we lived on base was a girl named Shanelle and I learned it was a crime to take her hair aloose and sometimes it was too hot for her to come outside and play. 

The result of that is a deep comfort and trust of black people that I took for granted until recently. I joked that when I sold Mary Kay I could only "warm chatter" black women, but it was true.  Even with my comfort though, I find myself working hard to be respectful and careful with my words, because I don't know what it's like to be black in America. As anxious as I am for my babies' health and safety, I don't know the fear these mamas face for no other reason than the color of their babies' skin. 

I'm challenging myself to do more, love more, and be intentional.

Finally making progress and yoga goals

So, I'm finally seeing progress and changes in my body externally. I'm a little afraid to jinx it but I do believe my goal of fitting into my size six jeans by vacation is  within reach! 

Current status: size 8 jeans fit fine, size 8 skinny jeans are a leeeetle muffin toppy, but they are the most unforgiving pants I've ever owned so pbbbbt! Haha! Naw, but they will look great soon. 

I'm not seeing on the scale quite yet, and that could partly be because it's a new scale, and partly because I'm focusing so much on gaining muscle. I dunno. I only really care about the scale as it relates to how much I should be eating. With that in mind, I'll probably knock my calories down by 50 pretty soon, and after vacation, another 50, or more based on whatever change I see on the scale. 

Ohhh I'm a bit nervous about vacation...how am I gonna stay on track without driving the boys nuts? I know I'm gonna do yoga and go for walks, but intensity isn't gonna be the same. Recovery will be good, but I also have to be mindful of what's going in! 

I'm doing pretty well at reigniting my yoga practice. I have so far to go, but so far I'm really enjoying making time for mindfulness and getting to know my body all over. I have recently pinpointed some goals, and I'll be adding more soon I'm sure. 

-crow pose: so far I have managed *once* to hold the pose for about 1.5 seconds. So I really want to begin mastery of this. 

-Shoulder stand-I want to be able to hold this and move it into- 

-Plow. I'd love to be able to reach my feet back to the floor. 

-Chaturanga- this is something I'm going to be working on for awhile I think. I am doing tricep push-ups and really trying to develop this, and I'll be workshop ping it alongside crow. 

More to come!!!

LMAL: still working on mornings

So, I thought that when Declan moved to his own room mornings would get easier for me. They haven't yet, and I've become less disciplined. I really need to recommit to staying off Facebook till after I work out, for all the reasons. I also need to have a solid backup plan for if the kids wake up during "my time". For now, Declan can eat breakfast and then play in the pack n play while I do my thing. That's fine. But if Lexi gets up that's trickier, and we are beginning the "you have to stay in your room till I come get you" battle lately. 

Right now it's 8:03 and I'm nursing Declan. I got a really good night of sleep, and if I'd have stayed off fb and done all my prep for today last night, maybe I'd have started my workout on time and  I'd have just left him in his crib while I finished up in the next few minutes. But...I didn't. I feel like by the time the kids go to bed at night I am just ready to check out and relax. I could/should attack the giant pile of laundry, do my prep for tomorrow, etc, but I don't and it sets me up for disappointment in myself the next day. I need to break this cycle because the failure is not good for my productivity or my mental health. I need to set myself up for success and I'm going to start today. 

Here are the things I *will* make happen today (not necessarily in this order): 

-plan food/to-do's for today and tomorrow

-Jillian workout

-yoga

-wash last load laundry

-play in pool with kids

-fold all laundry that's downstairs

-vitamins and coffee setup. 

 

Tomorrow I'll attempt to finish the laundry pile. And more pool time. 

"Exercise does not help with weight loss" and other nonsense

I broke the rules yesterday morning and checked Facebook before I even got out of bed. The result was seeing a post sharing an article with the above quote as a title. I was angry before I read it, furious by the time I finished. I kinda know what I'm talking about here, and exercise is, for me, and many others, integral to weight loss. It's not the only factor, but it's a major one-maybe equal to diet in my case.

For those who haven't followed my saga from when I started sharing in 2010 (though it started in earnest in 2003!), here's a recap, as concise as I can make it. I have PCOS, and around age 18, that, along with a fast food lifestyle, made me gain a lot of weight. Back then I had no muscle to speak of because I just didn't do exercise. About 9 mos after I got married (February 2003) I decided I was going to lose some weight. I had some old 80's workout vhs tapes that were discarded from the library, and for the first few months, I used those and a low carb cookbook/plan to help me lose weight. I was 20 years old, and it worked great. I also traded in the VHS for Pilates DVDs and a YMCA membership(I did an hour of cardio and lifted light weights 5x a week) after a few months and losing about 30 lbs. I remember my goal weight being 125, and the lowest I got to was 154. I was still about a size 10, but I was much fitter and my PCOS symptoms were improved. During this time I also discovered I could eat a whole pizza after working out and still lose weight. Then I stopped working out, kept eating the pizza. Whoops.

By February 2005 I was Bigger than before and fed up. The day I joined a gym was also the day my brother in law announced his engagement to a beautiful girl in CA and the wedding was in 3 mos. perfect timing and motivation. I worked out twice a day, 6 days a week, and ate carefully (I have no memory of what I ate except that wine was dessert. Haha!)I lost 30 lbs and got down to a size 8 in those 3 mos. I looked cute and was the fittest I'd ever been. Then the wedding was over and my drive was gone. 

By 2007 I was even bigger than before. I started an online fit club for my new podcasting friends in late 07-early 08, but, despite losing about 10 lbs, I didn't stick with it well or long. By August 2009 I was at my biggest ever (220 lbs, size 18) and despite resolving to do better, and achieving small amounts of success (below is what I use as my "before" picture and it's actually AFTER I had slimmed down a little), nothing was really changing long term. 

Then I bought and read Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. And Y'all, that's when EVERYTHANG changed. It's when I went from "health conscious" to a crunchy weird freak who wanted to shop at farmers markets, won't microwave plastic, became obsessed with pastures eggs and grass fed beef, no sulfates, yes to whole foods, etc. all of which you can read about in this blog. The stuff I learned about food then is the basis (along with my adapted version of Paleo) of how we eat and live today, 5 years later. It took

me awhile in 2011 to find my exercise groove, and the weight took ages it seemed, to start coming off. I had a lot of crap to reverse. The first type of exercise I fell in love with was swimming, and I got up at 530AM to do it for months. I also found some Jillian DVDs and did them. Then, something inspired me to start going to the gym, and THAT is when my body started changing and my inner athlete showed her face for real. I discovered cycle and yoga and created a 17hr a week training program (Hahahaha) that got me the smallest (though not lightest) and definitely the fittest I'd ever been since I got married. Just in time to discover I was finally pregnant with Lexi. I lost 42 lbs and went from an 18 to a 10 that year. I did not track my calories, I just made wise food choices and indulged when I wanted.

Then, after Lexi, I was back up to a 16 immediately postpartum, and I wasn't prepared for the HUNGER that came with breastfeeding. I gained about 25 lbs in the first 6 mos-some of which i attribute to the meds I was on for anxiety, but that's another story. In February/March 2013 we did a Whole30 and stayed 80/20 Paleo for awhile. I also started Jillian's Body Revolution for the first time around then. 30 min a day? I could do that, even with a baby. But, I have an addictive personality and, I mean, I'd been training 17h a week before, so when results weren't coming fast and I was crying because the level 2 workouts were so hard, i needed MORE, right? In August (13 mos after Lexi was born) I was doing 3 DVDs and cycle class and walking, and eating about 1600 calories a day and getting NOWHERE. Then a friend or two suggested that a) it was because I was breastfeeding, and B) I wasn't eating enough to sustain that and all the exercise. Oh my stars was this hard to swallow. Eat more to lose weight? This cannot be. Also, it was suggested by many (including Jillian herself indirectly via her podcast) that I was overtraining. So I stripped down my program and ate more. I was doing BR, a light walk, and two cycle classes, for a total of 4h of hard exercise and 4-6 walks a week. I tracked my calories and ATE BACK most of what I burned in exercise to leave myself with (at first, at 180 lbs)) 1600 a day, and reduced by 50 each time I lost 5 lbs. between August and Late November I went down from a 12 to an 8, and lost 15 lbs. I ate cheesecake on days it was in my calorie budget, I drank wine, I ate whatever I wanted, then, I kept going with this formula, and in the next 3 mos I lost another 10 lbs and 2 more pant sizes. I was a FOUR! By the time I got pregnant with Declan in June 2014 I had reached my lowest weight since I was 18-150, and was the size I was when I was 13 in middle school. All while eating whatever I wanted (mostly clean, but also cheesecake and sushi and fried food). 70 lbs, size 18-4. 

Now, I'm almost 16 mos postpartum, and only down 1 size from where I was at 3 weeks postpartum, and maybe 5lbs. Ha! I've been eating clean and exercising almost this whole time. But that one size puts me at an 8, which is where I was when Lexi was 16 mos old, and I have tons of muscle, and Declan has only just night weaned. Factors are different. I'm

Sticking to my formula though, and I'm getting stronger, and recently I've started to see changes in my body. Muscle definition, a smaller tummy, a smaller face.

None of those things ever happened when I would try to diet alone. Diet alone has given me a quick boost (like the 15 lbs I lost doing whole30) but sustainable weight loss and increased health has never happened for me without intense 

Consistent exercise. Not to mention exercise has kept me off anxiety meds, and kept me moving through the past year of postpartum depression and anxiety hell. 

I read that article and this is what I thought: this is to coddle those people who don't like to exercise or don't like to exercise hard. Those people will feel vindicated and say "see, it doesn't help, so I don't have to bother." Meanwhile it insults those of us who have found success and life change and so much more in fitness. One of the commenters referred to people in the fitness industry as Snake Oil Salesmen. That's just nonsense. 

So, yeah. I'm mad.