LMAL: Mornings, Anxiety, and Zephaniah 3:17

I'm still stuck on the Mornings chapter of my experiment, y'all, and I've slacked off on the quiet. Sigh. Mornings have been in a little flux due to transitioning D to his crib, but also things like power outages, my alarm not going off (today), and just plain going to bed late. I also have a tendency to mentally throw my hands up on getting back on track if something throws me off, so I'm working on that too. And like I said, I've slacked a bit on the practices I put in place when I was focusing on Quiet. Social media free weekends haven't happened the last 3- recital weekend! Must share and watch photos and videos! Power outage! Must commiserate and check on people! And this past weekend I just forgot. Boo. I've been *better* about being on my phone less when kids are around but...I need to do better. 

I probably said this before, but the key to my mornings is prep the night before, and that's where the failure, or at least lack of success begins. I have a great nighttime routine *plan*, but most nights, I do half of it at best. That's gotta change. Take five minutes, do vitamins, wash your face, make your list for tomorrow. Set up the coffeemaker... C'mon girl! 

My anxiety messes with my mornings some days too-particularly the last week or so, leading to and during a Nasty nasty menstrual period. Yay. Guys, I wish I was joking about this, but yesterday all day I was fixated on a bug bite on Declan's arm (he has mosquito bites a bunch of places because he's so sweet...) that was a bit irritated. He'd probably been scratching it, the mosquito probably sat awhile on him, it was in a place where it saw lots of action, he probably had been scratching it overnight, etc. all rational and logical reasons it was redder. I could not chill out. I'm still a little tense. Rationally I know it's just a mosquito bite, it's not infected, it's not bothering him at ALL, it'll be fine. But anxiety says "my baaaaaaby!!!" And I'm cranky and can't function. Thank God for Scott who helps me grasp reality and Is very patient with me when I'm freaking out. He had me put D in a shirt with sleeves "it'll be good for both of you." Haha! But yeah, when my anxiety is bad, I can't drive myself toward productivity. 

I'm really going to focus this week on self care, being intentional about what I let into my mind (binge watching OITNB when I'm having anxiety issues, prolly wasn't super wise...) and doing my night before routine. Hopefully that'll turn my mornings around and improve my mental health.

This morning, I was doing my devotions and prayer time, and the verse on today's page of my prayer journal was one that has been especially powerful and important to me the past two years, and I definitely needed it: 

The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Thank you, Father, for that love. 

Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

LMAL Chapter Two: Mornings

I read and started planning changes from this chapter last Friday (it's Tuesday now). So far I have a really good plan/list of ideas that I have yet to be able to really implement. The weekend was all about Lexi's recital and recovering from it, and that's fine, great, fantastic even, just nothing approaching normal. Then Sunday night we put D in his crib at night for the first time, and while he did great-6 hours without waking up!- it was not a restful night of sleep for me, and yesterday morning, while fairly productive, was a mess. Today has promise, though it hasn't begun according to plan exactly, it still has time to merge back to the plan. I'll get in my routine, and this chapter of my experiment is all about creating that routine that starts my day right so I'm equipped to continue that good start with the kids! 

I had an amazing morning routine with Lexi for about a year before I got pregnant with Declan. I got up at 6, had breakfast, devotions, worked out, showered sometimes, got dressed, then got Lexi up and we went for a walk while she ate breakfast. Having another little life in the mix has added complication to creating routine for sure-especially since for far too long my life revolved around his nursing schedule. But now we are in a new home, he's moving to his own bed, learning to use a cup, and I think we are ready for some normalcy! 

Changes I'm going to make to smooth out and fire up my mornings:

-Streamline "mama time" before kids are up.  I want to make this time both more peaceful and more productive. 

 How? By asking myself some questions: 

-what means the most to get done in this time?

   -devotions/prayer 

   -workout (goal: start within an hour of waking)

    -breakfast/make bed/get pretty

-what is in the way?

  -I have trouble actually getting my body started with working out. I drag my feet and then get upset I'm running late. 

-what could help?

  -better prep the night before: coffee, remote(we tend to lose it), workout clothes, water bottle, breakfast, which weights I'll need.

  -giving myself a physical wake up. Warming up with a short yoga session on non push up days and my first set of push ups on Monday/Thursday so my body is ready to move. 

Example of how I'd like my pre-kids time to go: 

-downstairs/drink something

-push ups or sun sal

-bible time/get coffee

-push ups/<20 m yoga

-prayer/coffee

-push ups, start workout

-eat, recover, go get pretty and make bed

Things I need to prep the night before: 

-coffee

-my breakfast (weekly?)

-remote! 

-school 

-tomorrow's to-do list (star the top 3 items)

-workout clothes

Like I said, these are all the things I'm working toward, but haven't quite made happen yet. I'm really excited to see how they impact our day though! 

LMAL: week 1 reflections

So, it's been about a week since I put these changes into practice to increase QUIET (mostly virtual) in my life. While I haven't been perfect at sticking to it-i checked my email before I got up this morning-i really like the changes in seeing in my attitude and my ability to be present. 

Some thoughts:

The social media free weekend was amazing. I did habitually go to check stuff or post something, but since I deleted the apps, I didn't break my fast. This is definitely going to continue. When I put them back on Monday, I found that I didn't need to photo dump or status flood or anything like that. Maybe some Mondays I will, but I'm pretty excited at the outcome of that. 

I've also just been posting less in general and checking less, partly because of the time limits I'm setting and keeping my phone not at hand, and that's been really good too. 

The anxiety triggers have definitely been fewer, and when I see a source, I'm quick to take action to hide or unfollow. I keep thinking "I'll say a prayer for you but I gotta protect my mind!"

I've been coloring! It sounds silly, but I get immense satisfaction and relaxation out of this-as long as I have a tv show or music or something else on to occupy my mind, because dang if the devil doesn't wanna use thenquietbto slip some nasty intrusive thoughts in. 

I won't be able to do this weekly, or even monthly, but yesterday Scott stayed home and gave me a full on rest day. Like, I literally hung out in bed all day long. I slept in till 9, I watched a movie, I colored, I did yoga (ok that part wasn't in bed), he and I snuggled and watched tv while the kids napped, it was glorious. It was like a day of really good postpartum recovery 1( months in-and if you know anything about how my postpartum with D was, it was much needed, even after all this time-because I didn't get it back then. 

Another thing that has come out of clearing some noise has been some clarity on pursuing some dreams and goals and making them more concrete. I wrote about this separately, but it's related-I'm going to pursue my RYT 200, and I'm really excited about it. I'm excited about the training, about setting a tangible thing to accomplish, and doing it, and I'm excited to make my yoga practice a priority again. Yoga is, for me, one of the best tools to quiet my mind and my heart, bring me into the moment, and show me the beauty and strength within myself as well as all around me. 

One new "rule" I've done better but not great at so far is keeping off my phone during time with Scott-it was a pager week so neither of us was perfectly present, but I'm going to do better. 

I'm going to keep these new practices going (and get better at them!) as I read and implement the next chapter of the experiment. This has already been so very good for me. 

Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

LMAL Chapter 1: Quiet

To read the premise for my experiment (aka what the heck I'm talking about): 

http://sweetmaeb.blogspot.com/2016/06/loving-my-actual-life-book-and.html?m=1

I read the first chapter of Alex's experiment today, and i think this part is gonna be a biggie for me. Not actual literal quiet, but the virtual quiet, the mental and emotional constant background noise caused by social media and my addiction to my phone in general. i think the space left by getting a grip on and rebuilding my use of these things is going to make a tremendous difference in my life.
Before i share my plans for application of intentionally creating more quiet in my life- in order to, today, love the life i have right now- I am going to share some takeaways and reflections i had while reading about Alex's month focusing on creating quiet.

First, I want to talk about how, for me, social media-mostly Facebook-is something i really need to sort out my use of. Facebook is both a lifeline and a HUGE source of stress for me.


 There's the constant subconscious competition/comparison game, stemming largely from how many folks don't present their full selves on there, but an edited version with only the positive and happy. If that's how you choose to use Facebook, that's your choice, and it's not for me to judge, that's not my point here. my point is that we don't see most people's full authentic lives and selves solely from facebook. So i compare, houses (which really sucked when we were in an apartment with literal crap flooding it regularly and i had a friend complaining she and her kids-same ages as mine-had outgrown their 3500sqft), kids (particularly awful my first 5 years on facebook before i had them, and now i'm still insecure and struggle with inadequacy because i have 2 and not 6...and then there's the struggle not to compare them in all areas to others their ages..), vacations (my friend is planning a trip to greece for her 5 year anniversary, while the furthest we have gone for an anniversary trip was 2 hours to virginia beach?) and much more. Yes, these comparisons exist in the the real world too, but with Facebook they are in your face all day every day from/with many more sources.

Facebook is also, in my opinion, the biggest gas on the flame of the mommy wars, and yes they exist. i have at least one friend i love in real life and hate on facebook. For reals. This is because somehow on facebook if we share an article that exposes our opinion or style or preference on  some issue, someone will take offense personally and feel attacked if they aren't in line with it. Just because i am passionate about breastfeeding and natural birth education and practices doesnt mean i think someone is a bad mother if they don't follow those practices-and if you had a conversation with me, you'd even know that as much as i LOVE natural birth in theory, i never got to have one. So many things in motherhood are preferences and not black and white, and just because something works great for us and we want to share that with others who might benefit doesnt mean we are judging you.  I've been guilty of this, and i've also had to learn to present things in a little less black and white/ right or wrong way. but i'm working on it. Again, these arguments exist in real life, but in real life we are not so bold or confrontational, and these discussions are at least more often in the context of deeper relationships. And Mamas, those other mamas who look like they have it all together- they don't. something is always missing, and it may not show, but its there. i promise. God gave you YOUR life and YOUR babies and he will guide YOU to do what's best for THEM, not anyone else.

Facebook is, for me, my main source of human interaction on a daily basis. this is bad, because i'm an extrovert. my situation is more extreme than many because i don't drive (long complicated thing summed up by: Anxiety-I'm working on it. leave me alone about it.) and that limits my opportunities to be around people. so, if i were to just get off facebook it would probably not be good. I'm not alone in the struggle of social media replacing human interaction though, and it's something i'm really making a mission to change in my life, even as i try to work through the anxiety/driving thing.


Anxiety. Possibly the most serious issue i have with facebook is that it not only feeds my depression and anxiety, it triggers it constantly. so often i have to hide posts about babies or children being sick or injured or abused, because just seeing these things will start a panic attack, or at the very least make me paranoid for the day. i'm a worrier by nature, i had to go through a lot to meet my babies, and i have SEVERE anxiety. i do NOT need to constantly read things that manifest as intusive thoughts for months after.

SO- All that said, you might guess that a LOT of my creating quiet experiment will revolve around changes in my social media usage.  and you'd be right. Here are my new rules and practices:

• no phone before workout in the morning (and no cheating by checking while nursing before i get up!) 
• put phone down and out of sight while doing school and playing with kids. EXCEPTION: Taking (not posting) pictures. 
• be INTENTIONAL with Facebook/Instagram time. set a timer, don't just scroll forever, check in on certain people, pare down who i'm following so my stream is more substance and positive stuff. 
• Read Kindle or a physical book when able instead of on my phone. 
• Put the phone  down during evening time with Scott. Plug it in and face it down.
• Practice Breath Prayer (say a name of God as you breathe in, a desire of the heart as you breathe out) both for myself and my kids
• Create a Sabbath day where the routine is much calmer. For me this will be Wednesday, which is already my rest day from working out. I plan to get up and enjoy some extra quiet alone time, keep the tv off during naptime, and do something creative while listening to music or read a book. I'm thinking about either prepping the day's big meal ahead of time or making it so Scott can cook. I'll make sure that my chore list is limited in Wednesday so I can really focus on rest and enjoyment of all I'm blessed with. 
• Social media free weekends: none. Zero. A photo dump/blog post is allowed on Monday. 

There may be more added as I go. I plan to spend at least a week on each chapter, but I'm not going to limit it to that. I'll stick with each focus until I've found the practices that lead to increased joy and enjoyment. I'll be blogging my thoughts and experiences during this process and would really love your feedback and shared experiences too! 

Loving My Actual Life: book and experiment

So, today I started a new book. Loving My Actual Life by Alexandra Kuykendall. I'm already hooked and so excited to read about her experiment in falling in love with the life she has TODAY instead of waiting "until...". 

I'm going to be spending the next nine weeks (or more, if needed) doing my own experiment and writing about it here for you to follow along (and maybe join me if you're so inspired!) all posts related to this will be titled and tagged "LMAL"

The verse she gave to reflect on for the introduction was Matthew 11:23. This verse keeps popping up in my life lately, so it seems clear that God is telling me something. So I'm really reflecting on and absorbing what this means, right now, today, for my life. And for a start, I think it means tha I need to ask myself, at the start and end of each day, 

What burdens do I need to offload so I can accept and enjoy the rest Jesus is offering today? 

That's a start, anyway.