So, today we visited my doctor for my 12 week visit to check on Lil Valentine, and I guess me too. It was easily the quickest we have ever flowed through the check in/triage/waiting/waiting in exam room/seeing the doctor process ever, which was really good, because even though my belly is growing and I have all the reason to feel confident about Lil Valentine's well being, we all know fear -especially irrational, lie based fear- is a struggle for me, and I've felt anxious off and on all week. Part of that is because this is the 12 week visit, and, even though all was well with Lexi at 12 weeks, the visit was scary. It went something like this:
As Dr Reutinger readied the Doppler, he told me that sometimes at 12 weeks or wasn't possible to find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and in that case, he'd send me down the hall to get an ultrasound. After a few long minutes of searching, he said "well, you get to go see your baby! That'll be more fun anyway." (I love my doctor so much.) The next 15-20 minutes while we waited for that ultrasound were terrifying. However, as soon as the ultrasound tech touched my uterus, she said "Oh! I see the heartbeat with my naked eye already! Let me zoom in!" Lexi was totally fine, and looking much more like a baby than the month before.
I still didn't want to relive that experience though. And according to the measurements from last month, this 12 week check would be 4 days sooner in baby's development (11w5d) than with Lexi (12w2d), so how could I expect to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler? so we prayed specifically that Dr Reutinger would find Lil Valentine's heartbeat with the Doppler and that the visit would be totally positive and smooth.
God is *so* good to us.
Dr Reutinger said all my bloodwork and vitals look good, and we chatted about how I feel, and then he felt my belly and helped me feel the "lump" that is my growing bump, and said that was right on target. Then he gave me the same speech about the Doppler, and we listened. At first there was nothing. Then we heard a slow heartbeat, which was clearly mine, because it was far too slow. After a bit longer I started to become a bit afraid, but suddenly there it was. The most beautiful sound a pregnant mama can hear. We listened to Lil Valentine's heart a-beatin away for a good bit, and the rest of the chat with my doctor is kinda a blur now. God answered my weak and anxious prayers, and I am so thankful and humbled.
This first trimester wasn't as free from fear as I'd maybe hoped, but I have to say that through prayer with Scott, on my own, reading and repeating scripture and truth, and the prayers of others, it's been far better than I expected. You know what else? Every time I have asked God for reassurance he has come through-not for proof, but for peace and confidence in his love for me. And he has answered every specific prayer for this baby so far, from the Doppler today, to a strong heartbeat a month ago, to a clear and not ambiguous at all pregnancy test in late June. I am so thankful and so blessed.
It is sometimes hard for me to absorb and process the positive truth, particularly after I've been struggling with fear for awhile, so today required a lot of marinating on the blessing of that heartbeat and being past the first trimester (essentially) and the excitement that I'm only a few weeks away from feeling movements, and all the good stuff. Things are good. This is real, and I'm learning every day to bask in the truth and shut out the lies.
