12 week OB visit for Lil Valentine

I wrote this post earlier and then got a phone call and lost it. *insert tears* So, here's hoping round 2 is just as eloquent.  *insert laughter*

So, today we visited my doctor for my 12 week visit to check on Lil Valentine, and I guess me too. It was easily the quickest we have ever flowed through the check in/triage/waiting/waiting in exam room/seeing the doctor process ever, which was really good, because even though my belly is growing and I have all the reason to feel confident about Lil Valentine's well being, we all know fear -especially irrational, lie based fear- is a struggle for me, and I've felt anxious off and on all week. Part of that is because this is the 12 week visit, and, even though all was well with Lexi at 12 weeks, the visit was scary. It went something like this: 

As Dr Reutinger readied the Doppler, he told me that sometimes at 12 weeks or wasn't possible to find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and in that case, he'd send me down the hall to get an ultrasound. After a few long minutes of searching, he said "well, you get to go see your baby! That'll be more fun anyway." (I love my doctor so much.) The next 15-20 minutes while we waited for that ultrasound were terrifying. However, as soon as the ultrasound tech touched my uterus, she said "Oh! I see the heartbeat with my naked eye already! Let me zoom in!" Lexi was totally fine, and looking much more like a baby than the month before. 

I still didn't want to relive that experience though. And according to the measurements from last month, this 12 week check would be 4 days sooner in baby's development (11w5d) than with Lexi (12w2d), so how could I expect to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler? so we prayed specifically that Dr Reutinger would find Lil Valentine's heartbeat with the Doppler and that the visit would be totally positive and smooth.

God is *so* good to us. 

Dr Reutinger said all my bloodwork and vitals look good, and we chatted about how I feel, and then he felt my belly and helped me feel the "lump" that is my growing bump, and said that was right on target. Then he gave me the same speech about the Doppler, and we listened. At first there was nothing. Then we heard a slow heartbeat, which was clearly mine, because it was far too slow. After a bit longer I started to become a bit afraid, but suddenly there it was. The most beautiful sound a pregnant mama can hear. We listened to Lil Valentine's heart a-beatin away for a good bit, and the rest of the chat with my doctor is kinda a blur now. God answered my weak and anxious prayers, and I am so thankful and humbled. 

This first trimester wasn't as free from fear as I'd maybe hoped, but I have to say that through prayer with Scott, on my own, reading and repeating scripture and truth, and the prayers of others, it's been far better than I expected. You know what else? Every time I have asked God for reassurance he has come through-not for proof, but for peace and confidence in his love for me. And he has answered every specific prayer for this baby so far, from the Doppler today, to a strong heartbeat a month ago, to a clear and not ambiguous at all pregnancy test in late June. I am so thankful and so blessed. 

It is sometimes hard for me to absorb and process the positive truth, particularly after I've been struggling with fear for awhile, so today required a lot of marinating on the blessing of that heartbeat and being past the first trimester (essentially) and the excitement that I'm only a few weeks away from feeling movements, and all the good stuff. Things are good. This is real, and I'm learning every day to bask in the truth and shut out the lies. 

11 weeks, 5 days, and as my mama said, "whoa girl! There it is!" 

Pregnancy Fitness

So, I've been holding off on this post to kinda sort things out with my energy level and my mind, which is honestly my biggest problem in pregnancy-I have it really easy physically, no symptoms to speak of, except more napping, and absolutely no morning sickness. But mentally/emotionally, it's a battle. The losses we've suffered combine with my battle against the lies I've shared that haunt my mind into a crapstorm some days. So far it hasn't been as bad as with Lexi, and I'm hoping it'll stay that way, with a combination of prayer, staying in God's word, and reminding myself of what's true. 

So, fitness. Early in my pregnancy (before I knew) I had modified my cycle performance to try to keep my heart rate lower, and planned to stick with that and the Jillian Michaels workouts I was doing through my first trimester. Well, the same week I found out I was pregnant (probably not coincidentally) my sleep schedule got all messed up and I just wasn't getting up early enough to work out. Also, when I went to cycle class, I experienced cramping through and for about two hours after class. Now, I knew that most likely this wasn't a problem, as exercise causes uterine contractions even when we aren't pregnant, we just don't feel them. However, with my anxiety issues, I knew I should back off, for my own sanity. Boy was that frustrating. So, since then, I've been waking for the hour I would be in cycle class, and averaging about 3.5-4 miles in that hour. 

Yesterday I tried out a new prenatal yoga DVD, and loved it. I'm sore today, which feels amazing, and I feel like I've built a great prenatal fitness library that shod keep me strong and not bored the next 6.5 months or so. :-)

My plan for the next few weeks is to practice yoga 4 days a week, walk at the gym twice a week, and be as generally active with the family as weather and energy will allow.

Starting late August or early September, I'll work my Andrea Orbeck Pregnancy Sculpt workout into the rotation twice a week and start varying the yoga between the different DVDs I have. I have calendars mapped out for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I'm a planner like that.  I feel like this will keep me strong and prepared for birth and as smooth a bounce back as possible. 

I'll try to blog regularly about how all this is going, physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably share pictures. I definitely want more of a record of this pregnancy experience than I created last time. I can't believe it's almost 1/4 of the way over! 

Here's my little bump: (it's really hard to photograph so please excuse my face! 

Lil Valentine: the story so far.

So, I've been quiet about this the past few weeks, but WE ARE HAVING A BABY!  We went to see my doctor yesterday, had a perfect ultrasound, saw the baby, saw and heard a beautiful and strong 165 bpm heartbeat, and were told that everything looks perfect! Our Estimated Due Date is March 1, so I'm saying February, and calling this baby my "Lil Valentine". I've always wanted a February baby, because nobody on either side of our family has a birthday in that month! 

So, here's the story so far: when I didn't get pregnant in April from our first round of Clomid, I was really discouraged and sad. But we felt like God put this desire for another child on our hearts, so I took the clomid again and we tried again. I'll admit, I wasn't super hopeful, but I kept praying and fighting to trust God. 

June 17 was the day I expected my period, and I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test that day, even though I had no symptoms. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning needing to use the bathroom, and thought "well, guess this is it!" And went ahead and tested. The test looked negative in those first moments, and I went back to bed, a little dejected. Now, in the few more hours I slept, I had *two* dreams that the test turned positive before I looked at it again. So, when I woke up, I looked at the test again. Sure enough, there was a faint but visible second line. I showed Scott, who saw the line too. But you know, the instructions say ignore any change after ten minutes...so we decided to test again in a week.

Over the next week I prayed a lot, pouring out the desires of my heart to God, but also asking Him to give me peace and patience for His timing.  Toward the end of the week, this became my mantra when my heart would feel heavy: "when God decides to give us another baby, nothing is going to be able to interfere with that." And I felt much less nervous about what the outcome of that next test would be. I continued asking God for a baby, but also began to rest in knowing His timing is perfect. 

On June 24, I woke up at 2:38 AM and had to use the bathroom. Again, I thought "well, guess I have to test now!" And I did. This time though, as I watched the test develop (I've tried countless times not to look till 2 min and nave never succeeded), I had to blink and run my half asleep eyes as I watched a second line appear on the test. It was just like the day we found out about Lexi, and just like that day, Scott was skeptical till he saw it himself. Then, his second reaction was "Woman, why did you have to do this at 2:30 in the morning? I have to go to work!" Oops. So, we tried, not too successfully, to get some more sleep. 

Because we don't know (and will never know) what caused our early losses, I wanted to be proactive but not paranoid this time. I called my doctor and asked if he thought I needed to supplement progesterone, and he ordered a blood test to see. I wasn't anxious, because if there was a problem, it was easily solved. But, in light of all we've been through this year, and the fact that again, I have no big glaring pregnancy symptoms (just like with Lexi), the fear started to creep in. The blood test had been on Tuesday, and Thursday morning I was crying out to God for help, for peace, for the ability to trust Him, because my fragile trust was shattered back in January, and I knew but needed to really *know* that this God I put all my hope in is worthy of my trust, even though I don't always understand the way things go. I was praying and crying out for help, when the phone rang. It was my doctor-not one of his nurses, who usually call to follow up, but my actual doctor. He told me that my bloodwork looked great! My progesterone was good and so was my pregnancy hormone. Praise God! My body was doing everything it should! The number he gave me for my pregnancy hormone level was higher than it ever was in January, so that was awesome too. And that call came exactly as I was asking God for reassurance. Amazing. 

The next 3 weeks passed very uneventfully, with many naps and varying levels of anxiety. I have an incredible circle of women (and a few men) who are patiently supporting me and encouraging  me and praying for us, and I am so thankful for all of them. I know God is blessing our baby through their prayers, and I thank God and ask his blessings on them daily. 

Yesterday's appointment was perfect, I feel good, if a little tired, and I can't wait to share this journey and this baby with all of you!