My next program

So, March is gonna be a big month for me, fitness wise. We are planning on resuming baby two efforts in April sometime with the help of Clomid, so this is my last full month of all out training. I have plans for a fairly intense April, but March is going to be very focused. 

I'm going to continue Tuesday/Thursday cycle classes, and walk every day that weather permits, but my strength training is going to be this: 

Monday/Thursday: 66 min of strength training with Bob that has the people in the DVD flat out crying. No joke

Tuesday/Friday: 60 min of challenging restoring power Yoga! YaY Yoga!!! 

The first week may be brutal but I'm going to fight through!

I'll also be doing the 30 day yoga challenge if anyone would like to join me! 

What's your Reason?

So, if you're my friend on Facebook you probably know that when the "what's your excuse?" Mom went viral, I went ballistic. I was so angry I could spit, and here's why: 

No two people or two stories are alike. Some of us are never going to look like that woman, even without children, some prioritize other things over having a perfect body, and implying that because we don't look like she does means we are making excuses is disrespectful, ignorant, shaming, and just plain rude. Reading the blog posts she wrote in reaction to the backlash further infuriated me. She doesn't know my or anyone else's story, and is frankly, clueless.

Here is my "excuse." I have PCOS. This makes weight loss harder than average for me because my metabolism is screwed up to begin with. I was also exclusively breastfeeding my daughter for the first year of her life (that means we didn't give her solid foods-only breast milk. That's right I was sustaining a life using only my body not just for nine months while I carried her but another year as well!) I continued breastfeeding her until the day she turned nineteen months old. Now, they say breastfeeding helps you lose weight because it burns extra calories. Not true for everyone, including me. For half of us it makes our bodies resistant to weight loss to protect the baby from famine. I chose her over the possibility of a better body for as long as she needed me. And last bit not least, it would require far more time on a daily basis to achieve that level of fitness than I am willing to take from my daughter. I want her to see fitness as a part of life, but a balanced, full, not aesthetically obsessed life. So if that makes me lazy in your eyes...you're bonkers.

Now, I accept (after listening to Jillian Michaels' take on the debacle) that maybe she meant it as a piece of inspiration, and we should try to take that from it...maybe. However, I'd like to propose a different question might be more productive, uplifting, and across the board, applicable. Jillian Michaels (who you all know is one of my heroes in life) often encourages people to find their "why" because "when you know your 'why' you can tolerate any 'how'" , meaning, if you know why you are doing something, why you are pushing put of your comfort zone, you can endure what it takes to get there! It doesn't involve you comparing yourself to anyone else as a measure of success, only pushing toward what you want for yourself, and I find this SO powerful, not just for fitness but for any pursuit. It's much more productive to motivate ourselves to look hopefully at the future by giving ourselves a reason TO do something than to shame ourselves for all the excuses we make not to. So, instead of "what's your excuse?" I want to ask this: 

What's your Reason? 

Forgiveness

I've really been struggling, for almost two months now, to forgive someone, and the person it's hurting is me. I guarantee she isn't giving the situation a thought, but it's been eating and eating at me. I feel like on an interpersonal level, I've handled it lovingly. All of my communication with her has been genuinely aimed at showing love and peace and in the ways I have been able, reaching outside myself. However, in my heart and in my thoughts, I've been growing more and more bitter, and it's stealing my joy and making me stuck in areas I should have freedom in. It's a complicated situation, but the only part I am responsible to unravel is my own unforgiveness. She hasn't asked for my forgiveness, and likely never will, as I can only assume she believes she did nothing wrong, but I have to choose for that not to matter. I have to let this go for the health of my heart, mind, and spirit. I'm not even thinking about my relationship with her right now, because frankly, I can't tackle that on my own, she's gonna have to want that too, and until she does, I'm going to not unfairly project my desires onto her anymore.i think the uneven desire for a relationship is part of what set me up for this in the first place.  This is about me forgiving because it's what brings God the most glory. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean running back like a puppy to someone who beats you down, but it does mean letting go of anger and hurt to make room for freedom, joy, and whatever God has for me next. I feel like my feelings toward this person are distracting me from healing, and I want free from that burden. Please pray for me, because this is sure to be a painful battle. 

Weaning

I didn't want to have to make this choice.   Losing September Baby and my doctor's advice in the aftermath (to cease baby making efforts until Lexi is weaned so that we can go straight for clomid and hopefully avoid another loss) led to a fork in the road, though. I could either continue nursing Lexi as long as she wanted and let her be the one to choose when she was finished (which is what I always planned/hoped to do, as it seemed the most natural choice) and keep Baby Two efforts tabled until whenever that was finished, or make the choice for her and choose when we could un-table baby two efforts. Nursing would not cease to benefit Lexi, and I hate the idea of choosing my goals and dreams over one of the last sweet ribbons of her babyhood, but we had to look at it from a different angle. Yes, nursing is very very special, and the milk continues to bolster Lexi physically in untold ways, but by choosing to wean so we can have baby two sooner than we would by waiting will not just benefit me, or even Scott and me. Something I always longed for was a sister or brother close to my age (ok, really I wanted a twin, but any sibling would do.) and while that wasn't ever a possibility for me, it is for Lexi. I've seen the way my siblings benefited from being close in age, and the way Scott and his siblings did. In the scheme of things, a few more months wouldn't make a difference, but I'd like Lexi to have as many siblings as possible, and I'm not 21, so every month counts for me. I don't like having to choose, but there isn't any way around it.

  I always knew that making the choice was something I might have to do, and I've had a plan in case it was. How coincidental that today is the day I chose to move forward with that plan. It's exactly one month since we said goodbye to sweet September, and today Lexi is nineteen months old. This morning I implemented phase 1 of what I hope will be a two phase plan to wean Lexi from her final nursing session when she wakes each morning. My plan for this week is to cuddle like normal and offer cuddle drink (vanilla almond milk warmed) and if she asks to nurse during that time she may. I both hoped she wouldn't ask, and feared it. We sat down on the couch and I cradled her so we could "talk" and she could slide her hand into my shirt and touch skin like she often does when we cuddle. I offered her a different sippy cup with her "cuddle drink" in it and when she was ready, she took the cup and sipped while we snuggled and nuzzled and talked. Eventually I asked if she was ready for breakfast, and she nodded and climbed off my lap. She never asked to nurse. It was a bittersweet moment of mama pride, victory, and a little sadness for the loss of this very important aspect of our relationship for her whole little life fading away. I will let myself mourn this, allow myself a bit of sadness, but I'll also celebrate the doors that are opening to siblings, to being a big girl, to a couple months of my body being my own for the first time in 29 months, to hope. 

A new season

I'm hoping to write about what God is doing in me and teaching me through the traumatic roller coaster that was January of this year, but this is not that post. I am too sad and exhausted right now to look back. Instead, I'm going to look forward and share our plan to move forward and how I hope to really make the most out of what I've been given in light of it. 

  I saw Dr Reutinger a week ago, and after concluding that everything looked normal physically with me, he encouraged us to hold off on trying for another baby until Lexi is fully weaned. Not to say that I couldn't get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy on my own, but considering my history with that, and my history with using Clomid, he thinks that Clomid gives us the best chance at a healthy pregnancy. Is it what I wanted to do? No, but I/we are going to take this advice, because Dr Reutinger has been with us on this entire journey and every single piece of advice he's given me in over eight years has been exactly right. 

So, this leaves me with something I've not had since I was twenty years old. Time to focus solely on my health without holding back. See, I lost a chunk of weight in 05 but it was driven by my aesthetic need to be "thin enough" for a certain event, and after that event I lost interest/motivation, my exercise and healthy eating were sporadic at best, and I gained back everything I'd lost and more in a matter of months, and couldn't get below 190. Then, in January of 2011 we started actively trying to get pregnant instead of the past 4 years of passivity, and in March I started my major push for health. I worked hard and ate well, and really discovered the athlete and the chef inside myself, but I was striving toward two goals and constantly torn about which to give more to, meaning there was a part of me always holding back to protect the baby that *could* be conceived at any moment. Then I finally got pregnant with Lexi, and did great at keeping up my workouts through my first trimester, but then stopped entirely, and though I generally ate well throughout my pregnancy, I didn't really take as good care of myself as I should have, and it took me 7 months to even start moving again. I don't regret a moment that I spent snuggling Lexi, as that is time and opportunity I'll never have in quite that way again, because every baby who comes after will have to share me, but I do feel it's extremely important that I make time for my body every day, starting again as soon as I'm able after giving birth. I have a plan for that, when the time comes. Over the past year I have gotten into the best shape of my life and learned the value of taking the time I need to care for me, but I've still been holding back a bit to protect my milk supply for Lexi, and since august, anytime after the 14th day of my cycle, there's a niggling thought of protecting a possible baby (which if I think about it is funny since for 11 weeks of my pregnancy with Lexi I was working out 3-4hours most days). At this point, partly through our short time with September Baby, Lexi is down to one nursing session per day, which I'm fairly certain is more about comfort and connection than nutrition,so supply isn't a concern any more. That means that since we aren't trying at all right now, I have nothing and no one to protect and no reason to pull back or slack off. So am I going to drive myself into the ground? Noooooo! But it affords me some freedom to push a little harder, and to not feel anxiety if I'm working really hard that I'm gonna hurt baby 2. So, losing September Baby sucks like I can't express, but it comes with a gift of being able to take a couple or three months and get even healthier and fitter in preparation for a healthy and active pregnancy with baby two.

I'm starting today. My eating since the 24th has been awful in quality due to being sad and tired, and I'm definitely feeling the effects, especially combined with three weeks off from exercise due to exhaustion physically and emotionally from the roller coaster. So, food is clean, I'm drinking tons of water and deTox tea, I'm ordering eboost to fuel my mornings instead of coffee, and I'm getting back into my workout routine starting today. I've got workout calendars made up through April, and come what may, I'm sticking to them. I've done it faithfully since September, and I am excited to see what happens now!