Today has been hard so far.

I woke up with that moment of "I have something to be excited about!" Like Christmas morning or the day you are going on vacation. Then I remembered-well, maybe. I've never struggled so much with the waiting. I mean, I suspected I was pregnant in December before it was time to test, but I suspected even earlier this time and I'm a little afraid I'm going to be let down, and I'm a lot afraid to hope. 

Losing September Baby didn't destroy my faith, though it's still pretty shaken up. I don't understand why God allowed my broken heart to be blessed with hope and then let that hope be shattered. I may never understand. And on one hand, I don't need to. On another, I'm finding in this process that I have to find some way to believe and hope that we are going to have another healthy baby, or I'm going to spend my entire pregnancy (starting now, or in a month or two) miserable and paralyzed by fear. I can't live like that. I want to celebrate and enjoy the pregnancy I've waited and prayed and cried out to God for, I want to enjoy it with a freedom I've never had to enjoy pregnancy. 

Will you pray for two things for me? 1:That I'm pregnant right now and the baby will be healthy and strong and cook long enough

2: that I will be free from fear to enjoy and celebrate this next pregnancy.