At War

This morning i find myself at war...with myself. part of me is so driven and motivated to shed this fat, and the other is pissed that because of my disease (PCOS) it;s not happening the way i want it to. this comes in two parts. the PCOS causes a messed up metabolism in general, which makes everything harder, and it also causes extreme fatigue. the second part is the thorn in my side right now. I'm ready for a nap pretty much all the time. now- last week i got up at 6 every day M-F and had a great workout m-w and would have the other 2 days but for my knee injury (more on that in a moment) then Saturday we got up and went for that 2 hour 5 mile hike and holy crap was it both exhilarating and really tough. since then, though, I've just been wiped out. no workout Monday, Tuesday all i managed was cardio at the gym (which was nothing to sneeze at- 50 min elliptical run= 7 miles even) Wed i tried the Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout. it was the hardest workout I've ever done (and am about to do it again). i couldn't even finish the 25 min of intervals. now, it;s debatable whether i gave up too easy- i probably did, but holy crap was it tougher than expected. yesterday, sore and sleepy and dejected, i took the day off. BAD! i went to bed on time last night and slept pretty well. i did not get up on time today (something which, as simple as it is, i think is key)and i made the mistake of stepping on the scale. BAD! I'm actually- not surprisingly- up 2 lbs from my Monday weight in- because it;s the middle of the week and I'm bloated and sore. i need to not weigh in unless it is weigh in day. not to mention the fact that the scale lies. what i weigh and the shape of my body are rarely something that match up. i mean, i do not LOOK like i weigh 196 lbs. most people would guess around 175. second, i have and am probably putting on- a lot of muscle. in weight loss one cannot forget this exchange. muscle weights more than fat, and i have a lot of it. this is my third time losing this weight- and the last- and i therefore have more muscle on me and less fat to lose than the people on BL that i look to for inspiration. I'm realizing again as i type this that this is my journey. nobody else's. i can't measure my success by anyone else's results, because they are not me. i have the motivations, i have the need to within me, i just need the stamina to look and think and feel past the fatigue and the pain and look at where i am going and how many lives can be toughed by my story and the success that will come even though I'll have had to push *that much* harder to get there. I've got friends with PCOS who have been fighting this battle too and i bet that seeing me persevere through this can help them find the strength and the courage to do it too. WE CAN DO THIS! *I* CAN DO THIS! its gonna hurt, and it;s gonna be hard, but it;s gonna be worth it.