Letter to Lexi written 7/17/13

Came across this in my drafts folder in my email: 

One week from today you will be a year old. This year has flown by like I never thought possible. It has been the best year of my life. You have made my life so full. Of wonder, of joy, of rediscovery of such simple things. You have taught me immeasurable things about myself, about my strength, my patience, my ability to be better than I thought in many ways. You don't see me with limits. To you, I am Mama, capable of all you want or need. Your confidence in me has given me confidence in myself and from that I've challenged myself to surpass the limits I'd put on myself! All that from such a tiny person! You are so curious-I knew it the day you were born when you looked toward my voice right away. You always want to look around and see what's going on. You love going outside and seeing new places and things-ever since you were a newborn. You are constantly exploring here at home-this gets you in a lot of trouble at times! 

I'm amazed constantly by your joy and playfulness. You're always happy-always- unless you're very tired. You laugh and joke almost constantly, making faces or playing games to make us smile and laugh too-you started doing this when you were only five weeks old! You're extremely loving, friendly, and affectionate. You always have to kiss every picture and every one of your toy friends, and every child you meet. :-) your kisses are the best kisses in the world! Don't tell your daddy though. ;-) I'm so thankful we've been able to have such a smooth and easy nursing relationship. I love feeding you, and all the tenderness between us in those times. You've never been very patient when it comes to nursing though. From almost the beginning you'd get frantic as I prepared to get you latched, and now that you're bigger, you frantically pull at my shirt. It's a little flustering at times, but endearing all the same. I'll admit, I'm struggling a little with you not being my tiny love bug anymore,  with missing your newborn sounds, your constant snuggles whenever I wanted them (and not just when you do, because I'm a selfish greedy mama sometimes), your new baby smell, your stillness. You were such a calm newborn. You're still such a good baby though, so easy. You can be "a little handful" as your Daddy says, but only when you're exploring. You aren't a whiny baby, you don't throw fits, even when you're frustrated at being told "no", it only lasts a few seconds, then you're on to the next thing, laughing and joking. I love you, my Alexandra, more than my life, and more than words can say. I've been thinking a lot lately about giving you a younger sibling soon, and one thing I think is that I don't want to take a moment away from you, that I just want to stay wrapped in Lexi land for always. But then I realize how much more fun it will be for all of us if you have someone littler than you to love and play and share (you already love to share!) and learn and grow with! I also know that no matter how many younger sisters and brothers you have, you'll always be my first baby, the one I waited my whole life for. You are what I was made for-being your mama. Nothing and no one can take away or change how much we love each other. For always. 

Resolutions...sort of

It's a new year, and these are a few less than grand changes is like to make part of my life:

-regular devotional time

-starting my workouts earlier (730?)

-restarting my yoga practice (2+ days a week) 

-bible story time with Lexi over breakfast

-taking time to make myself feel pretty daily. (Makeup, hair, skincare)

Plateau, or just hormones/digestion

So, I've been expecting/dreading a plateau in my weight loss for awhile, because I've never had this kind of consistent weight loss in my life. This past week was the first week in the past 3 months that I've weighed in exactly the same, so I'm a bit bummed. I fear it's upon me-the time when I have to a) become more patient with my body because I'm essentially at a healthy weight and these are vanity pounds, and b) decrease my defecit-or at the very least make sure I'm eating enough every single day.

I've been tracking my calorie intake (by now it's second nature) but have probably not made sure I've been eating enough as well as I should...also this could be Premenstrual hormones, and the fact that my bowels aren't moving as frequently...tmi maybe, but a factor all the same. I can't let this derail my drive though. Gotta keep pushing and building-especially over the holidays. 

I'm a little bit of a walking contradiction these days. 

I'm so happy with my life and my family-yet I'm broken inside. I'm lonely and sad that few pursue friendship with me, yet I'm pulling away and the thought of someone coming after me fills me with dread. I know I'm isolating myself, and frankly it's kind of intentional. I have felt rejected and unwanted and alone for years at a time at different points in my life, and I guess this is my defense against that. You can't ignore me or reject my need for friendship if I don't let you close. Besides, I have Scott and Lexi, I can wrap myself in them, and I trust them not to hurt me. 

Before and during my pregnancy with Lexi, I was deeply immersed in my church family, spending every possible moment loving and being loved by them. They were amazing through the waiting and the fear and all of my silliness-celebrating with and supporting me. Since she's been born though...not so much. I don't know when or how it happened, but I just don't feel close to or even connected to many anymore. It's really hard, and I'm sure none of them have a clue. And I don't want to tell them, because I don't want love out of pity or obligation. And you know what else? I'm just tired of needing. Always needing. I'm tired of being the broken one. 

Related-I miss my high school best friend something fierce. She lives states away and we haven't spent any time together in 13 years, but in many ways we have more in common now than we ever did. I ache to reach out and tell her I miss her, I love her, I *need* her, but I can't.  I can't face the rejection I'm almost certain of, because her life is so full, and she doesn't need my brokenness cluttering it up. 

So tired of being broken. 

About last night...

Last night I showed up at the gym for cycle class like any normal Tuesday, nervous, excited, ready to see what my body could really do. It's always my biggest challenge physically and mentally to push harder and go faster and climb a steeper hill-I love it. As we all piled into the room and adjusted our bikes, we were informed that Shelle, who you know I love love love had been in a car accident (I've since talked to her and she's totally fine, praise God) and wasn't going to make it to class, and they were trying to find a sub for us. A few people left at this point, about 8-10 stayed. I texted Scott, and he told me I should get up there and lead, or at least call out drills from where I was. "It's your goal. Or dream. Or something,"  and he's right-it is! I've wanted to be a cycle instructor since my very first class. But I wasn't that bold. Another guy called out an offer to do just that, and I told him to go for it, but nobody else responded, so he didn't. :-(  at that point, I decided that until we had an instructor I was just going to do drills in my head. It's tough to push oneself to the level we usually push without music, and after about 10 min another 3-5 people left. By 30 min in there were 3 of us left-I was still doing drills and intervals in my head, thinking, "ok, for the next four minutes I'm going to stand, and add a gear every 45 seconds" or "ok, 30 on, 30 off" and gettin an insane workout, especially considering I had no music. 45 min in, another person left. 55 min in, my last classmate was gone, calling a reminder to stretch over his shoulder. I finished my hour on the bike, had a good long stretch, wiped down my bike, and checked my heart rate monitor-I burned just as many calories from my hour training myself with no music as I do on any other Tuesday night! I walked out of that room seeing myself in a totally different way. My dream of being a cycle instructor feels completely in my grasp. I don't know when it'll happen, but I do know now that I *can*, and that is life changing. I'm still a little blown away. 

Can we talk about dysmorphia?

This is a bigger issue some days than others, but it remains a problem in my life. I've lost 57 lbs, 5 pant sizes, and people who've known me for years are telling me I look like a different person, but I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, I often see the same fat girl (who was really never *that* fat, if I'm honest) I've been seeing my entire adult life (except when I was pregnant-I loved my body then!). I know I'm smaller. I know I look different. These are facts, undisputable because they have pretty numbers to go with. However, I still zero in on the softness around my middle, the chubby face, the way I wish my arms were more toned...and I see a fat girl. I don't see the strong woman who reached a goal 13 years in the making, or the mom who carves out time for herself so she can enjoy her days more fully. I see my belly. My belly that is so much closer to being abs than it's ever been, but I still hate that it's not. I want to celrbrate how far I've come, but I'm distracted by how much more I still want. It's so stupid. 

Quick update

Just checking in to say that I'm finishing up my second week of round 2 of JMBR and really committing to staying consistent despite holiday interruptions. Due to being sick the end of last week, the IBS Christmas party tonight, Christmas Eve, and New Year's Eve, next week will be my only two cycle class week this month. 

Since my goals from here on are kind of undefined/hard to measure (I'd still like to see 150 on the scale, but I'm at my goal size so...) it's really hard to get my "why" in my head. Before it was the size 8 skinny jeans, or the 50 lb mark...now I'm pushing for performance. To keep up with shelle in cycle class, to rep out on all of Jillian's crazy push-ups, to get rid of the belly fat that drives me nuts. These aren't numbers, they are concepts, and though attainable, hard to measure. (Other than the push ups.)

So here is where I am today:

Lbs lost: 55

Pants: size 8's are comfy, even after a cycle class. :-D

Push ups: 2x10 military style, with limited ROM.