Update! aka The Sweetest Success!

So... it's been forever and a month since i last updated. obviously I've had a pretty good reason to be otherwise occupied, and i want to share with you the sweetest success I've had in my life so far, my beautiful, strong, healthy, and incredibly inspiring daughter, Alexandra! She's 11.5 weeks old, and i just can't say enough about her, like any new mother. i guess i feel like it's different for me in some ways because i had to wait and *WORK* so hard to have her. I'm not talking about the 57 hours of labor, 51 of which i had no anaesthesia during- that's a whole other post. I'm talking about the 6 years, 7 months, and 25 days i spent between when we decided to try for a baby and the moment i got to hold her in my arms. I'm talking about all the hard work you've read about on this blog, and all the changes Scott and i have made in our lives in a million areas to prepare for this gift. all of it, great and small, was and is worth it. She's amazing y'all! Big sparkly blue (for now at least) eyes, tons of dark hair that has curl to it, Scott's nose and lips, my eye shape, ears, and dimples when she flashes the prettiest smile I've ever seen- which is often! She has her daddy's long fingers, so i see music in her future.right now she's sitting in her swing, yawning, and watching me type, her eyelids drooping. she loves to see and discover things. she hates to miss anything. she is my inspiration and motivation. i want to be for her the best mama and the best example of a strong and godly woman. i want her to know it's OK to not have it all together all the time, it's OK to cry when your heart hurts, and i want to show her where to take her hurts and let the One who knows her even better than i do heal them. i want all the best for her- i want to BE the best for her- i want her to know a lot younger than i did how strong God has made her body and the reward of keeping it healthy. i want her to see me exercising and loving it and know that it's not a punishment but a rewarding thing to get stronger and healthier so we can be our best every day. i want her to see beauty in how she is made, whether she's curvy like her mama or long and lean like her Aunt Kelly, or somewhere in between, she is beautiful,  and as long as she is taking good care of the body she's been given, she has no need to change a thing. she's only 2 months old, but the past week or so, as I've been thinking of and working toward getting myself back on track to reach my personal goals, I've thought of making exercise something we do together, just like when i tell her about what I'm eating and how yummy it is and what it does for my body. i am going to get myself back in gear for my own sake, to take care of myself and be the best i can for me- but just like before she was conceived, I'm doing it for Lexi too. to be an example, to be the healthiest i can physically, mentally, emotionally, so as she grows, Sweet Success can be ours together.

Whoa! BIG UPDATE

Well Hey there! Guess i should let you know where i've been the past ummmmm 5 months. *grin*  Where do i start?  i guess here:

 

The Last time i posted i had just finished my Clomid cycle and gotten back into the swing at the gym. if you look at Point #3 from my 10/19 post, it's fun to see God's timing play out. :-) WE ARE HAVIN A BABY! My Due Date is July 25!
  I was feelin kinda blegh on 11/29, but i thought it was just because of the Thanksgiving holiday, the totally not organic foods, and being a bit heartbroken from finding out thanksgiving day that my sister in law was pregnant with their third baby- a stark reminder to me that i had no babies. so i just hung out, rested, and didn't think much of it. then the next morning, i still didn't feel great, but it was my day off from the gym anyway, so i didn't worry about another rest day. i was looking in the medicine cabinet for tums or something when i saw the box of pregnancy tests. i thought, "oh, what the heck, i'm almost 3 weeks late..." and so i took the test. before i even set it down the lines had both appeared. i was stunned.  i ran into the other bathroom, where scott was showering, and stuck my head in and announced "Honey, we are havin a baby." "uhhh what?"  " i took a test and it is positive." "are you sure? is there a line or are you squinting?" "No, there is a very clear line." "Bring it here."  So i did, and then his head was thrown back, and there was laughter. it seemed so surreal, after all this waiting, but i still called about 10 people and rejoiced!
I kept working out at the same schedule and intensity till christmas. i was dealing with a lot of anxiety, but other than that the notorious first trimester with its much heralded morning sickness and other maladies was nothing like expected. AT ALL. Seriously, i knew the baby was in there, but i had no physical tangible proof except ultrasound pictures. i kept losing weight- or at least not gaining any- the whole time, and i never puked. i took a nap most days, but, i mean, i was still working out 4h a day! The second trimester has been much the same. the only struggle has been anxiety- the whole time so far that;s been a battle, but God is working in me big time and it's getting better. 3 weeks ago today- 20 weeks on the dot- we were in Nebraska visiting family, and i was kinda bummed i hadn't felt the baby move in a way that i was sure it was actual movement yet- i'd been a bit obsessed with this for weeks. then, after lunch, i was sitting on the couch watching you tube videos with Jeff, and suddenly OH MY GOSH! there it was! like popcorn in my tummy! it was probably only a minute or two, but i was hooked. i felt the same thing again the next night after supper, then not again very clearly for a few days. on 3/12. less than 48 hours after we got home, we headed in for the big 20 week Ultrasound- i was a bit nervous, but very confident that this baby is a girl. and whaddya know? I was right!
WE ARE HAVING A DAUGHTER!
over the past 3 weeks (23 weeks today!) i've felt our little Alexandra moving more and more often, and for longer periods of time, and been tested and comforted by God with this trust/anxiety thing. i'm already in love with this baby, and i know that the work i did (and will keep doing) to be healthy and strong and getting to be her Mama makes this she Sweetest Success of all!
I'm not done here-i'm slowly (after fighting the fear a lot) getting back into the swing of exercise. Yoga and swimming will probably be most of what i do until she gets here, but as soon as i'm clear, i'm gonna work back up to 3 spin classes and as much yoga per week as possible. i really miss that endorphin rush!

i'm BACK BAYBEE!

so, i went back to the gym on thursday- which was step one in getting my program back on track. that day i did all my strength work, but headed home before cycle cuz i just didn't feel ready. the hardest part was trusting my gut and not beating myself up all day.  Friday, however, i returned full force! i did every set and rep of my strength work, hopped in the pool, knocked out my 40 lengths, hopped out, dried off then did an hour of yoga with Kim. :-) kim always likes to crank it up and challenge us, and this was no exception-we worked on Warrior III for probably a solid 10 min. i used to be intimidated by Kim, but now i am really starting to appreciate her for helping me challenge myself! Saturday we went to cycle, and Though she *said* she'd go easy on us, by the end, even Kathi had to admit she'd worked us hard! It was Zumba Party in Pink day (i lent scott a tee, and i don't think i'm getting it back!) and, since one of my friends saw me checking it out, i ended up taking part in the last 20 min or so of the Zumbathon! it was my first Zumba, and it was fun, but probably not going to dethrone cycle as my Go-to cardio- might throw it in once in awhile to surprise the muscles though.

                                                      yeah my eyes are closed but look at all the pink!

Today went much like friday- cranked out the strength work, which was slightly lighter on the abs and buns since i knew Krisit would take care of me in those areas in Pilates, then, in Pilates, i finally felt like i wasn't wasting my time! i've done a lot of pilates over the years, and i was initially- for a few weeks- frustrated with the gap between my expectations of a pilates  class and the way Kristi teaches- no longer. today i truly enjoyed the whole class, and am really looking forward to next week. Finally, came the icing on my monday workout cake! Gentle Yoga with Shelle! i love this class, and how totally relaxed i feel coming out of it . Tonight i'm going back for another helping- Yin Yoga with Shelle at 7 pm!

pencil to paper update #1

it's been a cuckoo crazy couple weeks. lotsa thoughts to share.
1. the fertility drugs were a no-go last month. i'm mostly ok about that, because i know God's got this, and i can be patient. the hard part was having to take the Provera again. but, i'm on the other side of that, and tomorrow i start the Clomid.
2. i haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks (13 days.)  i haven't been slacking, it's just been a forced 2 days for impact, being sick when we got home, and then the provera for the past week. tomorrow i'm heading back and i'm gonna rock it out. i've also been thinking that i can't think of getting pregnant as something that is for sure going to change things in the fitness arena- i think i need to be determined not to let it unless the doctor says i need to chill (which, knowing him, is unlikely.) because if i start making excuses for myself early on, i'm never gonna reach or maintain what i want. i have hated being a bum the past 2 weeks, but to be honest, i;ve started to adjust to it, and that SCARES me! so, here is my resolution: NO skipped workouts, period- unless the gym is closed that day, i have to go. i definitely felt like garbage during my most recent workouts, but i still kicked butt, so no excuses!!! i'm a little scared to jump back in tomorrow, because it's my most hardcore workout day of the week, but i absolutely have to.
3. i'm not sure if i've shared this, so here goes. as much as i've been aching and cryin g to have a baby, i'm really conflicted the past month. i feel like i've never been this happy and content and complete in my life. i've fallen in LOVE with my workouts and am healthier than ever, my marriage is the best it's EVER been, i have an incredible church family who loves me, i'm involved in a youth ministry that i see God doing HUGE things in,  my relationships with my siblings, parents, in-laws, etc are the best they've ever been, and we are 2 months from being out of debt. I want to be a mother, but i'm questioning if i want it *right now.* i sometimes feel like i wanna reach my fitness goals and enjoy all we have worked for with getting out of debt before we change everything. The bottom line is, though that i'm not getting any younger, and since fertility is an issue, i don't feel like i have the option of waiting if i want a bio baby. i know that i need to see this Clomid thing through, and if that doesn't work out, then that's the answer, and we move on toward adoption and foster care. above all, i gotta leave it in Hands that are bigger and stronger than my own. :-)

shirt from when i was in HS and size 10 pants.

That is all.

Inspiration from my Mama

I worry. a lot. about many things. most of these worries are unnecessary. that said, lately i have 2 main fears/worries: a) that all this trying to have a baby is gonna end in heartache and b)if i do get pregnant it's going to be high risk and i'll have to stop my workouts and i'll lose all the ground i've gained in my fitness this year. i've no real reason or concrete basis for either of these fears, it's just that i can't see the answer or control them that drives me mad. i shared all this with my mother the other day, and she responded with this story. (quotes are my memory and may not be verbatim- sorry Mama.)

 What you just said reminds me of when i was taking a Calculus test once. i was sitting there, staring at the problem on the paper and thinking. and i kept staring at it. The teacher came over and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was thinking. He said i that i had to put pencil to paper and start solving it, one step at a time. i'd never see the answer at the start, but what i had to do was put pencil to paper and do what comes next.

So that was her advice to me. Don't feel stuck because i can't see the answer to my worries from where i sit now-my job right now is to keep putting pencil to paper and doing what comes next every single day. WOW. so simple, but for me, so VERY profound. and exactly what i needed to hear.
THANKS MAMA!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

kicking butt, new interests, icky drugs, and- WHAT? 30 pounds GONE????

it's been a busy and crazy and awesome and partially sick couple weeks! ok, once again it's been awhile so i'll try and sum up what's been going on as best i can without boring details.
 Icky drugs
the day following my last post i had a doctor's appt in which my doc and i discussed the pregnancy situation and made a roadmap to move forward- hopefully with some results. well the first leg of the journey from that point on was 10 days of Provera to get things movin. UGH! i felt ok if kinda feverish over the weekend- and that was Irene weekend, so i had a decent excuse not to make it to Cycle that saturday. i also missed my monday workout due to just plain feelin crappy, but i forced myself to go on Tuesday because i really really don't want to lose this awesome momentum i am gaining. i'm glad i went, and proud of what i accomplished, but MAN was it a rough morning! it went like this- i get to the gym and start doing my floor work. a set of 20 ct bicycle crunches goes jsut fine, but as soon as i start doing front/lateral raises with 7.5 lb weights, i start sweating, heart starts racing, and the room starts spinning. scary! i struggled through the rest of my floor work and weights that way, but it felt borderline stupid. then i went into Cycle- this time with Lisa. i think class started pretty well,and idefinitely felt stronger than i hsd my first week of cycle- i pretty much always feel an inch from death in cycle class- but in a good way.  at about the 40 min mark i was not feeling it in a good way- i was pretty sure i was gonna pass out, fall off the bike, and in doing so also puke and injure myself somehow. i pushed a bit longer then at 44 min i had to get off that bike and get out of there. i t was not good how i felt and God willing i'll never feel that way again. i went home that day with a solid 2h workout behind me but a large sense of frustration because i know that if not for the drugs i coulda done more. fast forward 8 days till that medicine was out of my system and i felt human enough to hit the gym again. strength training fist as usual, then Cycle with Shelle- now, i have had a number of cycle instructors (s/o to Ashley, Dee, Susan, Lisa, Kathi, and Shelle!) and Shelle is the toughest by far in my opinion- but this is good- i need the push! Just...it was a bit much for my first day back after being so sick and doing literall nothing but play video games and watch TV for a week. i made it through 36 min and bailed. when i did i told myself it was ok, but starting on saturday i was going to finish every ride from here out- even if i had to take breaks from following the instructor's cues.
 Kicking Butt
y'know what? i HAVE! my next class was saturday, and i finished the whole 45 min ride and followed almost all of Kathi's cues.Monday was a mass of strength training (about 90 min) followed by a 33 min run on the elliptical. maybe it';s a phase i'm in, but i am so over the elliptical right now. maybe cuz cycle is making me pretty much permasore and it's just not a mentally stimulating workout, i dunno. not feelin it the past few weeks.anyhoooooo. Tuesday i did the strength thing again and then headed to cycle class to see what Lisa had in store. i've started getting to the studio early to warm up and sneak a few extra minutes into my workout, so in the end my ride on tuesday was a rockin, rollin, leg burnin 67 min/25.1 miles. I FINISHED! YAAAAAAY ME!

 New interests! (and more Kicking Butt)
then, because i had told Kathi i would, and because i really wanted to break a fear barrier, i went to Basic Yoga class with Kathi. i'd practiced a teeny bit of yoga on my own a few years ago, but i was heading in basically a clean slate. ( the little i knew going in helped me know generally what poses are called which helps). here is a link to a post someone else wrote about the class-if you look at the pics, i'm in a few- in hot pink of course! :-) i loved the class, love Kathi, and am SO going to be there every week!  Wed was my last midweek rest day for the forseeable future- i think-but i got right back into it on thursday- strength training, then cycle with Shelle again- SO hard, but i finished and finished strong! Shelle's style is more challenging than the others, but i still love her class- then immediately following cycle i had Yoga with- Shelle!!! i was nervous- is her yoga practice style as intense ans her cycle style? oh thank heavens no- it was challenging, but still soooo relaxing and full of good mind/body connection. at this point i'm pretty sure i'm addicted to yoga.  Today i got to the gym a little late after waking up slowly with scott, and only did about half my planned strength work before scuttling down to the locker room, changing, and hopping in the pool for my first swim since JUNE! (ok maybe July 1, but still!) i'm not gonna lie- the second thru 8th lengths were a struggle, but judging from the few time checks i made, my lap time is still about what it was in late june. that was cool to see. i did 36 lengths/laps (i always count a lap as there and back but it seems most folks don't) then hopped back out to change- i had budgeted more time than needed for all this changing, so i'm likely gonna strength train longer before i swim after this. Then it was time for Yoga! yes! more YOGA! this time it was with Kim, who i'd never seen nor met before, but who had a very nice style of guiding our practice and i am looking forward to more yoga with her.  i also think i am going to practice my Tree/dancer/full warrior poses more outside class so i can not topple during every balance move.  Tomorrow is Cycle again- either with Ashley or Kathi, and as it;s the one workout a week i dhare with Scott, it;s extra exciting! oh. one more thing...
SAY WHAT?
We have a milestone crossed here people! i weighed myself yesterday, and after so much hard work, i have weighed in at 179.4lbs. this means 2 things: a) i have lost over 30 lbs! and b) i am OVER halfway to my  goal!!!! YAAAAAAY *confetti*
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