Eight

That's my pants size. At least at Old Navy, at least for jeans, and that counts. That's pretty much the only place I buy pants anyway. 

I've lost 5 (or 10 depending how you see it) pants sizes since March 2011, going from an 18 to an 8. I've got a little tummy left to tone up, and my thighs may slim a little, but, this is my happy size. I'm not sure it's sunk in yet. Oh, and just for fun...

Fifty

That's how many lbs I've lost from my highest recorded weight sometime in 2008. I'm proud, I'm exhausted, I'm...wearing size 8 jeans! I've reached my goal 2 weeks early! I'm still a little in shock because size 8 wasn't just my next size goal, it was my ultimate size goal! I'm at my goal!!! I did it! 

Now, this feels different than I always expected it to, because, along the way I've learned that fitness isn't a destination (my goal weight/size 8 jeans) but a journey that never ends. I've accomplished something pretty huge over the past 32 months (10 of which I was pregnant), and that's awesome, but I'm not done by a long shot. I may never see that 150 on the scale-I weigh 170 today, I have lost 3 sizes in the last 15 lbs, and I can't imagine maintaining any size smaller long term. My hips are where they are, and I haven't worn anything smaller than a 10 since middle school. 

But fitness, health, and happiness aren't ultimately marked by numbers in pants or on a scale, and I have far more progress to make and many more accomplishments to celebrate ahead. I've learned so much so far about myself, my strength, my athleticism, my will to conquer the hard stuff, that after Baby Two the bounce back shouldn't be such a mystery. I'm done with being told I can't. It's hard, it takes discipline, but I CAN! 

Tired.

I'm tired. Of hoping but fearing heartbreak, of waiting for something I want so deeply but may never have. Of feeling conflicted, of seeing others blessings as a reminder of what I don't have. Of feeling not good enough. Of feeling like there aren't enough blessings to go around so if someone else is blessed I won't be-though I know this isn't true. Of feeling like I'll never be good enough to be actively wanted, only put up with. Of so many many things. 

The Home Stretch

Today I start the last level of JMBR. I'm a little bit terrified, though I know that's silly. I think it's because I want so badly to be able to do everything in the workout exactly on point, but I know for various reasons that's just not gonna happen this round. It might happen in February at the end of the next round, or it may never happen, no matter how many rounds I do. I can't control that today. Today I can give it all I have to give today, and each of the six times I do this workout this time. Perfection is not required. 

Part of my angst is probably due to some stress over thanksgiving, which I won't bore you with, except to say I'll be so glad when it's all over. I feel a lot of pressure that I just don't need right now. I have enough going on, thanks. I woke up at six, but didn't really start moving till seven, and it's 20 after eight and I just finished breakfast. It's that kind of morning so far. Hopefully the workout (when I get to it) will help me turn it around, because right now I feel like I've lost all my fizz. 

After much chewing things over...

I have really been thinking hard the past few weeks on what to do for round 2 of JMBR, in the sense of, what is my program going to look like? Am I going to go harder, double up? How do I get my burn when the weather is colder and walking is harder to do? I'm an overachiever so it's hard to balance what I want to do with what the best plan is. After really thinking through where I am and what I'm hoping to accomplish, this is what I've decided on. 

I'm going to keep it as simple as possible, basically continuing with my current routine. I'll do JMBR m/t/tr/f, cycle class t/tr, and walk as often as I can, weather permitting. The change I'll have to make is to make sure I get some cardio on wed and Saturday, even if it's too cold for a walk. I am hoping to walk unless it's extreeeeemely cold. 

I've questioned to myself whether this is enough to get results, and I just have to trust that it is. One aspect to keep in mind is that (most likely) I'll be coming to the end of the weight loss part of my journey, and beginning the focus on performance and toning part of my journey. At that point, the calorie defecit doesn't need to be as great, and so, for the brief time the cold is an issue, I'm gonna be ok. :-) the hard part is gonna be staying content at this level and not starting to pile on. 

This plan also supports a desire for me to shift from fitness being something that consumes me (as it had to be when I was sorting out my routine) to just an aspect of my life. I feel comfortable with the time in putting in and am hoping to continue to progress without putting in tons of time. So, yeah. I feel good. 

Athleticism

I always thought being an athlete meant you were good at sports, or at least a particular sport. While it absolutely can mean that, I've learned over the past 30 months that the definition of athleticism is not so limited. I see now that being an athlete is equally about mental toughness to match the physical. It's the getting up at 5 or 6 to make sure you get the training time you need. It's pushing past your comfort zone to reach your potential. It's seeing roadblocks to your goals but not turning around or throwing in the towel. I've never been good at any organized team sports, but I am am athlete. I don't battle an opponent on a field of play, but the voice in my own head that says I can't. When I ride, it's not against a competitor beside me, but against myself the week before. Each day I push a little harder, a little further, and I'm doing things I never thought I could.  I am an athlete, and I won't sell myself short anymore. 

I've also been thinking of how this affects my parenting. If Lexi is like I was as a child, gawky, clumsy, uncoordinated, hopeless at sports in PE, am I going to write her off as lacking athleticism? Nope! I'll search with her to find where her strength lies. By the time she's old enough to even be aware of these things, she will have been exposed to all of my physical pursuits, and probably done a lot of yoga. :-) I feel like Yoga is the BEST foundation for discovery of your body, and from there I'll help her branch into whatever catches her interest. I will teach her to challenge her body, to help it be its healthiest internally, and that the product of that work externally is beautiful and worthy of love, no matter the shape she takes. The important thing is to care for herself so she can live her healthiest life. 

Surreal and unbelievable...

So, all the size 10 jeans I bought 3 weeks ago are now loose on me. It's both an exciting and disappointing thing, in that I am proud of my hard work, but I also JUST got them! After literally years stuck at an 18, I thought getting back into the size I wore in high school would be a longer stop along the way. And, I mean, if I shop anywhere but old navy (which I usually don't) it probably will. But, I'm actually gonna be ready for those 8's (or smaller) when the end of the month rolls around. That's crazy. 

Another thing that's crazy is that I *know* I'm smaller, but my belly still drives me up a wall. I just feel like those abs I want are never gonna happen-and realistically I'm not ready for them anyway, cuz I want more kids-but do I really have to keep this pooch? I don't know how much is fat and how much is extra skin, but I want both gone, tightened, whatever. Trying to be fair to myself though, and celebrate a level of fitness that already surpasses that of any other point in my life!