Fourteen years later...

Fourteen years ago, on a rainy morning, I woke up from a night of very little sleep and waited, knowing my waiting was just about over. No longer would I feel rejected, undesirable, unworthy, because today one man was standing up in front of anyone who wanted to see and saying HE wanted me. This was the day my fairy tale began, I thought. I put on a white dress, walked with my Daddy, and saw the smiling face of the man who chose me for himself forever. I don't remember much from that day, but I remember that smile. 

These years haven't always been out of a Disney film, but they have been beautiful. The struggles, the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the challenges, have all knit us closer into each other and made us more thankful that this is a marriage of two people with God at the center. Every year I think I'm more in love with you than that teenage girl ever dreamed possible, and every year later I'm amazed at the blessing of the way that love has grown. 

Thank you, my Angel, for your love, your commitment-to me, to the kids, to being faithful in all areas, for weathering our storms with me. I love you more than words. 

Happy Anniversary, Scotty. 

Seven weeks in

So, since I did two extra days at the beginning of level 1, and two extra at the end of level 3, I'm now seven weeks into my fifth time through this program, And I have not missed one day. I'm pretty proud of that. I'm taking a mini recovery (still gonna get on the bike) while my grandma is here the second half of the week, so I'll start workout 7/8 on Monday. 

So, what are my results so far? Not what I expected, and frankly, not what I hoped. I have no idea what I've lost in the scale, because, well, I didn't have one at the start. I'm almost but not quite in my size 8 jeans (regular not skinny) and I weigh 181 lbs as of yesterday morning. Not horrible, except I weighed 182 at 3 weeks pp-over a year ago. buuuut that was on another scale, and who knows how far off that was...yada yada. Doesn't matter. I would like to get to 150 or less at some point, but the scale is, for now, going to be a tool for calorie intake regulation, not a measure of progress. 

And I don't even know if my jean size is a great measure right now- will my hips fit in a size four again after two babies? Maybe, but it may take more time and not be related to how hard I work. I realized yesterday that at fourteen months pp with Lexi I was at about the same point in JMBR (though not nearly as fit) and weighed about the same, but was a size bigger. I wasn't in a size four till Lexi was 21-24 mos. soooo... My goal of size four shorts at the beach may be a bit lofty. (Declan will be 17.5 mos then.i had been in an 8 comfortably for about 6w at that time post Lexi.) I'm still hoping to buy size four jeans in October (when my capris will probably cease to make sense...) but we shall see. 

So, am I seeing any results? I am! Other than being a bit smaller, i'm amazed at my performance. I have always struggled with this level of the program, particularly workout 5, but I have done great this time through, and using heavier weights than the folks in the video on pretty much every exercise. I've done the super mans with weights every time-never been able to do any like that before! Yesterday I started out by doing 2 sets of 20 push ups before hitting play, and when I stated this round, I couldn't do 5 in one set. So that's awesome, and I'm well on my way back to sets of 25. 

Um also seeing my upper body muscles come back, which is really cool, because other than abs for the first time, im really passionate about getting my arms back. Shoulders always pop first, then triceps, but I've started to see my biceps too. That's really exciting. I'm curious what will happen over the next few weeks as I work  spinning into my routine! 

Oh, and if anyone wants to get me some 12 and 15 lb weights, that'd be great, cuz I'm using 10's for pretty much all the back and Bicep work now... Yay! 

Craving Community

I was gonna write this later, because I'm really trying to stay off my phone till after I've worked out, but, just as I was about to work out, the Boy woke up, so nursing and blogging it is. 

I crave community, and particularly a best friend who loves Jesus. I had one in my early twenties, and I still love her, but seasons in life shifted, she started working, and we kinda drifted. Then came "the bad times", as we call July 2007-July 2009 around here. I had a "best friend" during that time, but she wasn't a Christian, and that relationship was just never all that healthy to begin with. It ended abruptly, and those who love me breathed a sigh of relief. Since then, I've struggled a lot with craving a "person". I'm close to my sisters, and I have a friend who is like a little sister to me (I love you so much, T!) but none of them is in the right position to be that person, y'know? Not a "good enough" thing, just it's not something you choose exactly. A few times over the past 5 years I've thought "hey maybe she's the one!" And it's never worked out. 

Because I'm afraid. 

I start to hope, and then I get scared and I don't pursue. All the reasons (excuses, mostly) come into my head, and I just retreat from hoping and close myself off. I'm afraid to be rejected, afraid to be hurt, ashamed that I don't drive, of how broken I am, afraid I'm too much to handle, her life is full, she has a best friend, etc.  I've been invited to mom's small group at church, even offered a ride, but I've never gone. Scared. Intimidated.  Want to throw up thinking about it. I joined MOPS, went a few times, LOVE those honest, real women, but fear of my kids getting sick (because that's what happens when littles congregate, and it's a MAJOR anxiety trigger for me) and just general crazy evenings and exhaustion have been a barrier for months. 

And I crave having a person. A best friend to do life with and text all through the day and hang out with drinking wine till the wee hours. Couple best friends. We had that, for about 4 years, (seasonal changes...) and I miss it. 

I'm reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, and she wrote a couple chapters about that close, genuine community, and it awakened my craving. She said though, if you want community, create it. So I'm praying and marinating in that for the moment. I have some ideas, and I'm praying about courage and guidance and I'm gonna talk and pray with Scott. 

I want to throw up even talking about it here and now, so I'm interested to see what God has planned here...

Being Intentional

So, I've kinda made a resolution. I'm going to really focus, starting this month, on using my resources more intentionally to serve God. 

My most valuable (and both most plentiful and scarce at the same time!) is TIME. And I know if I spent it more intentionally, I'd be able to maximize what I could accomplish. 

So what am I going to do differently? 

-get up after Declan's 5:00 or 5:30 feeding (if he has one) instead of laying in bed awake till my alarm goes off. 

-no social media until after my workout, as this is both a time suck and can be an anxiety/depression trigger, as I'll discuss in a minute. 

-set timers for tasks as needed to keep the day moving. 

I'm also going to be intentional about what I fill my mind and time with. My default when I'm nursing or Declan is sleeping, or just when I get a minute, is to check social media, which isn't really feeding my heart or mind most of the time, and while I do need the social connection, I need to be fed more than I am right now. So I'm creating Spotify playlists of uplifting music and I'm creating more space and opportunity for spiritual and emotional food. 

I've been discouraged for a long time that I don't have the time to dig deep and spend two hours solid studying, reading, and praying like I did when I only had one child. But I've realized this is a season, and it's not all or nothing. I don't have two hours, but I have 20 minutes over breakfast before I work out, maybe another 15 or 20 as I recover from that workout before I go for round 2, and other bursts where I create them in the day, I'm sure. I know I'll have more time for journaling, blogging, crafting, and more when Declan is napping on his own (that's a whole other thing I need to write about), but right now, I have time to read while I'm holding him as he naps-I don't have to watch tv while he naps every day.  That's another thing I'm going to be more intentional about-I'll keep up with a few shows that I really enjoy, but no more mindless hours of TV just because. I can use that time that I'm holding the boy to read (either fiction or something to build myself up) or blog, or meal plan, or something else productive. 

Overall, I want to make my time count, because the better I use my time, especially to feed my soul, the more I will have available to pour into others. 

First Goal Day!!! Except...not.

So, my period came on Saturday! Yay! And also, Awwwww. ☹️ today was gonna be the day my size 8 jeans were gonna fit, and my measurements were gonna show the payoff, but now I'm all bloated and cranky and tired and I'm just not going to do all that today. In two weeks, I'll do it (pretty much no chance of this happening then!) and hopefully not only will my size 8 jeans fit then, but also my size 8 skinnies! (I'll admit the skinnies feel like a longshot, because they are a brutal pair of pants that are good at making me feel depressed, but that's ok, cuz in 5 mos when it's jeans weather again, God willing they will be in my rear view!) that's the goal I've got my eye on now. 

My scale is coming today, and I will weigh myself to make sure I don't weigh way less than I think (Hahahaha) but after that I'm going to be really committed to only weighing myself on Monday mornings, and to relying on my physical abilities, well bang, and jean size to be my measurements of success. The scale is just a measure to help me know how much to eat. 

Because of my period, I stayed in bed with D today (he's gonna get his molars sometime in the next m...who knows, so he's nursing constantly) and I haven't started my workout-it's almost 930. Ugh. 

I'm super nervous about doing workout 5, because when I went they this part almost a year ago it was the hardest level for me! But I'm so much stronger now, so I know I'll surprise myself! 

I am probably gonna wait till next week to add in cycle, partly because we haven't tuned up the bike, and mostly cuz just doing JMBR is gonna be a challenge during my period. 

Ending Phase 1, new toys, big plans, and missing the plyo

Today was the last day of phase 1 of this round of JMBR. It's about to get real, y'all.  Workouts 5 & 7 are crazy intense, and it's gonna be a challenge mentally as well as physically to push through and overcome. This round, though, has already been full of victories, and in stark contrast to previous ones. I remember during my first round, when Lexi was 7 mos old, giving up In tears halfway through workout 3. Yesterday, my last time through that one, I used heavier weights than everyone in the DVDs on every exercise and did more reps than them on almost everything. 

I'm not sure what my measurement/size results will be this Monday, but I do know progress is happening, and at some point soon, the results will have to show. I kinda feel like they already are, though. I might be holding some water, but if I can shed that, (and hopefully have a period!) I think I'll really see changes. I feel like my face is still pudgier than it should be, but we'll see. 

Something I have noticed about the way I've written about this journey is that as I go along, I learn more and more about what's important to include as reference for the future. I've never really talked about how I adjust my calorie intake, and that's gonna change! Because yesterday I spent way too long playing sleuth and figuring it out. So, just like in fall 2013, I've started at 1600 net calories. I've  bought a new scale, and with every 5 lb decrease, (assuming I started at 180)  I'll reduce calorie intake by 50 calories, until I get to the last ten lbs, at which point I will incrementally increase calories until I'm at a level that should have me losing 1 lb a week instead of 2. When I hit 150 I'll slowly start increasing calories until I'm at a maintenance level. I've never been there before! Maintenance for 150 is like 2000 calories. That's bonkers on days I cycle...which brings me to...

Scott got me a spin bike! With our plans to put a power rack and bench in the garage, as well as the gym being less convenient right now, getting this and cancelling our gym membership seemed like the best choice. We got a great deal in it, and since it's kinda old, I'll be doing some research to choose its replacement when it's time. I'm super excited to be able to get a ride in anytime now, and that a long ride will only take up an hour of my time instead of two, with all the time getting to and from class. I'll miss my amfam family, but I imagine we will be back, at a different season. My plan is to work up to two hardcore hour long rides per week, and two 30 minute freestyle cardio rides. 

I've got my workouts planned out through pretty much the next year. I've got some long term goals - ABS!- and I've put a lot of thought into what it's gonna take to reach them. So, I'm gonna finish JMBR, then do the Killer Series, then Killer Body, and right at the end of September, start Body Shred again! I'll follow up with the BS master trainer series, then another round of both those, then killer series, then BS round 3, followed up by master trainers. That will bring me right up to my 35th birthday, at which point I gosh darn better have amazing abs for the first time ever, if not before. 

One thing I'm still kinda chewing over is plyo. BR has lots of it, BS has even more. I'm hoping that my foot heals enough that by September when I start bodyshred I'll be able to not modify. Until I am consistently waking up pain free, though, I have to play it safe, take my supplements, wear my compression, and be patient. 

Guess that's it for now! I'll be posting a goal check in on Monday with pictures, measurements, and thoughts going forward! 

Not all Mondays

So, it's Tuesday morning, round 6:30, and as I drink my coffee, I feel  like I need to write about yesterday. Because Monday's generally suck.cthey do.cthere is never enough weekend, never enough rest, especially since we moved and have been trying to do allll the things we've dreamed of for so long living in an apartment. Garage organization, gardening, groceries, home decor, you name it, it's been busy. This past weekend was no exception. Scott was up early working on building shelves that will take the garage from storage mess to functional usable space, and when I convinced him to take a break from that it was almost midday, and we had kids to bathe and a grocery trip, and then naps to take, and cooking to do,call so we could get out the door to a birthday party to celebrate my wonderful Father in Law's 60th birthday. We got home from that late, and extrovert Mae wasn't falling asleep very fast. Then Sunday, Scott was up early again workin on his shelves, and we quickly realized we couldn't leave half the garage in the backyard and go to church, so it was full steam ahead for him. Then my sister in law, her best friend, my Father in law, and Max all came over for a cookout. Super fun, and my first time really getting to hostess here! Then Scott and Max worked till 9:30 to finish the shelves, and I was sent to bed a little after ten, in an attempt to get me enough sleep to wake up and work out on time. 

I was up at 5 to feed Declan, and I just knew there was no way at all that I was getting up at 6 with how I felt, so when my alarm went off, I just silenced it and rolled over. I hadn't missed a workout in this house, and I didn't intend to, but that was a problem to solve later. Declan decided we would wake up around 8, so we nursed and cuddled, and came down for breakfast, and I decided I'd work out with him in the pack n play before we got Lexi up. So many things tried to get in my way: Declan felt clingy, my knee was bothering me, it was getting late (9:30), the computer that my workouts are loaded on wasn't talking to the tv... But I overcame and cranked out a great workout. Declan whimpered anytime I slowed down, but as long as I kept moving he was excited and dancing and laughing as he watched. Then we went and got Lexi up, and she woke up happy and blessedly with a diaper that was only wet! ("Just wet, Mama, your favorite!") She did great during school, and then we set up our little kiddie pool out back and had a great time until nap time- and after nap, more pool fun and a cookout with Daddy! 

Best of all, the anxious and depressed cloud I've been wrestling extra hard with the past few weeks seems to have moved on for a bit. 

Yesterday was a fantastic day, and I share this possibly inane story to illustrate that just because a day or a situation has been bad in the past doesn't mean it always will be. Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in awhile, and it was a freakin Monday!