Ambitions, concrete plans, and what I can do right now

I've made a decision. I'm going to start training for my RYT 200 certification next fall. It's been a "someday" for awhile, but now it's a concrete plan with a date. By then I imagine Declan will be done nursing, or at least not NEED to nurse throughout the day.  It also gives us time to come up with the money, which is a whole other blog post. 

Obviously I have shorter term goals and plans, and I've been thinking about how to begin working toward being ready for training by reviving my yoga practice even while I continue to pursue and reach those goals. It's given me a new look at my fitness journey, and even answered some long standing questions. 

Two years ago, between pregnancies, when I'd finished the weight loss focused part of my journey, I felt a little lost as to where to go next. This is the answer. Obviously I want to continue to develop

Overall fitness and strength and endurance, but instead of HIIT being the core of what I do (as it is right now, while I'm trying to become healthy and fit and lean and burn all the calories while building muscle, yoga will be the core and HIIT and cycle will complement that.

Here's how I see that transition going over the next 15 mos or so: 

Now: 

JMBR 4x a week

30 min cycle 4-6x a week

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

After I finish BR until I reach fat loss goal: 

HIIT 4x a week (Jillian DVD)

30 min cycle 4-5x a week

60 min cycle once a week (for endurance)

20+ min yoga 4-6x a week

Once I hit fat loss goal : 

HIIT 2x a week 

60m cycle 2x a week

30(on HIIT days)-60m yoga 6x per week 

Hopefully this will get me to a place in my practice where I feel confident going into teacher training. I'm so excited to be moving toward this training, because it's such a lifelong dream of helping others find balance and strength in who God has made them. 

LMAL Chapter 1: Quiet

To read the premise for my experiment (aka what the heck I'm talking about): 

http://sweetmaeb.blogspot.com/2016/06/loving-my-actual-life-book-and.html?m=1

I read the first chapter of Alex's experiment today, and i think this part is gonna be a biggie for me. Not actual literal quiet, but the virtual quiet, the mental and emotional constant background noise caused by social media and my addiction to my phone in general. i think the space left by getting a grip on and rebuilding my use of these things is going to make a tremendous difference in my life.
Before i share my plans for application of intentionally creating more quiet in my life- in order to, today, love the life i have right now- I am going to share some takeaways and reflections i had while reading about Alex's month focusing on creating quiet.

First, I want to talk about how, for me, social media-mostly Facebook-is something i really need to sort out my use of. Facebook is both a lifeline and a HUGE source of stress for me.


 There's the constant subconscious competition/comparison game, stemming largely from how many folks don't present their full selves on there, but an edited version with only the positive and happy. If that's how you choose to use Facebook, that's your choice, and it's not for me to judge, that's not my point here. my point is that we don't see most people's full authentic lives and selves solely from facebook. So i compare, houses (which really sucked when we were in an apartment with literal crap flooding it regularly and i had a friend complaining she and her kids-same ages as mine-had outgrown their 3500sqft), kids (particularly awful my first 5 years on facebook before i had them, and now i'm still insecure and struggle with inadequacy because i have 2 and not 6...and then there's the struggle not to compare them in all areas to others their ages..), vacations (my friend is planning a trip to greece for her 5 year anniversary, while the furthest we have gone for an anniversary trip was 2 hours to virginia beach?) and much more. Yes, these comparisons exist in the the real world too, but with Facebook they are in your face all day every day from/with many more sources.

Facebook is also, in my opinion, the biggest gas on the flame of the mommy wars, and yes they exist. i have at least one friend i love in real life and hate on facebook. For reals. This is because somehow on facebook if we share an article that exposes our opinion or style or preference on  some issue, someone will take offense personally and feel attacked if they aren't in line with it. Just because i am passionate about breastfeeding and natural birth education and practices doesnt mean i think someone is a bad mother if they don't follow those practices-and if you had a conversation with me, you'd even know that as much as i LOVE natural birth in theory, i never got to have one. So many things in motherhood are preferences and not black and white, and just because something works great for us and we want to share that with others who might benefit doesnt mean we are judging you.  I've been guilty of this, and i've also had to learn to present things in a little less black and white/ right or wrong way. but i'm working on it. Again, these arguments exist in real life, but in real life we are not so bold or confrontational, and these discussions are at least more often in the context of deeper relationships. And Mamas, those other mamas who look like they have it all together- they don't. something is always missing, and it may not show, but its there. i promise. God gave you YOUR life and YOUR babies and he will guide YOU to do what's best for THEM, not anyone else.

Facebook is, for me, my main source of human interaction on a daily basis. this is bad, because i'm an extrovert. my situation is more extreme than many because i don't drive (long complicated thing summed up by: Anxiety-I'm working on it. leave me alone about it.) and that limits my opportunities to be around people. so, if i were to just get off facebook it would probably not be good. I'm not alone in the struggle of social media replacing human interaction though, and it's something i'm really making a mission to change in my life, even as i try to work through the anxiety/driving thing.


Anxiety. Possibly the most serious issue i have with facebook is that it not only feeds my depression and anxiety, it triggers it constantly. so often i have to hide posts about babies or children being sick or injured or abused, because just seeing these things will start a panic attack, or at the very least make me paranoid for the day. i'm a worrier by nature, i had to go through a lot to meet my babies, and i have SEVERE anxiety. i do NOT need to constantly read things that manifest as intusive thoughts for months after.

SO- All that said, you might guess that a LOT of my creating quiet experiment will revolve around changes in my social media usage.  and you'd be right. Here are my new rules and practices:

• no phone before workout in the morning (and no cheating by checking while nursing before i get up!) 
• put phone down and out of sight while doing school and playing with kids. EXCEPTION: Taking (not posting) pictures. 
• be INTENTIONAL with Facebook/Instagram time. set a timer, don't just scroll forever, check in on certain people, pare down who i'm following so my stream is more substance and positive stuff. 
• Read Kindle or a physical book when able instead of on my phone. 
• Put the phone  down during evening time with Scott. Plug it in and face it down.
• Practice Breath Prayer (say a name of God as you breathe in, a desire of the heart as you breathe out) both for myself and my kids
• Create a Sabbath day where the routine is much calmer. For me this will be Wednesday, which is already my rest day from working out. I plan to get up and enjoy some extra quiet alone time, keep the tv off during naptime, and do something creative while listening to music or read a book. I'm thinking about either prepping the day's big meal ahead of time or making it so Scott can cook. I'll make sure that my chore list is limited in Wednesday so I can really focus on rest and enjoyment of all I'm blessed with. 
• Social media free weekends: none. Zero. A photo dump/blog post is allowed on Monday. 

There may be more added as I go. I plan to spend at least a week on each chapter, but I'm not going to limit it to that. I'll stick with each focus until I've found the practices that lead to increased joy and enjoyment. I'll be blogging my thoughts and experiences during this process and would really love your feedback and shared experiences too! 

Loving My Actual Life: book and experiment

So, today I started a new book. Loving My Actual Life by Alexandra Kuykendall. I'm already hooked and so excited to read about her experiment in falling in love with the life she has TODAY instead of waiting "until...". 

I'm going to be spending the next nine weeks (or more, if needed) doing my own experiment and writing about it here for you to follow along (and maybe join me if you're so inspired!) all posts related to this will be titled and tagged "LMAL"

The verse she gave to reflect on for the introduction was Matthew 11:23. This verse keeps popping up in my life lately, so it seems clear that God is telling me something. So I'm really reflecting on and absorbing what this means, right now, today, for my life. And for a start, I think it means tha I need to ask myself, at the start and end of each day, 

What burdens do I need to offload so I can accept and enjoy the rest Jesus is offering today? 

That's a start, anyway. 

Fourteen years later...

Fourteen years ago, on a rainy morning, I woke up from a night of very little sleep and waited, knowing my waiting was just about over. No longer would I feel rejected, undesirable, unworthy, because today one man was standing up in front of anyone who wanted to see and saying HE wanted me. This was the day my fairy tale began, I thought. I put on a white dress, walked with my Daddy, and saw the smiling face of the man who chose me for himself forever. I don't remember much from that day, but I remember that smile. 

These years haven't always been out of a Disney film, but they have been beautiful. The struggles, the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the challenges, have all knit us closer into each other and made us more thankful that this is a marriage of two people with God at the center. Every year I think I'm more in love with you than that teenage girl ever dreamed possible, and every year later I'm amazed at the blessing of the way that love has grown. 

Thank you, my Angel, for your love, your commitment-to me, to the kids, to being faithful in all areas, for weathering our storms with me. I love you more than words. 

Happy Anniversary, Scotty. 

Seven weeks in

So, since I did two extra days at the beginning of level 1, and two extra at the end of level 3, I'm now seven weeks into my fifth time through this program, And I have not missed one day. I'm pretty proud of that. I'm taking a mini recovery (still gonna get on the bike) while my grandma is here the second half of the week, so I'll start workout 7/8 on Monday. 

So, what are my results so far? Not what I expected, and frankly, not what I hoped. I have no idea what I've lost in the scale, because, well, I didn't have one at the start. I'm almost but not quite in my size 8 jeans (regular not skinny) and I weigh 181 lbs as of yesterday morning. Not horrible, except I weighed 182 at 3 weeks pp-over a year ago. buuuut that was on another scale, and who knows how far off that was...yada yada. Doesn't matter. I would like to get to 150 or less at some point, but the scale is, for now, going to be a tool for calorie intake regulation, not a measure of progress. 

And I don't even know if my jean size is a great measure right now- will my hips fit in a size four again after two babies? Maybe, but it may take more time and not be related to how hard I work. I realized yesterday that at fourteen months pp with Lexi I was at about the same point in JMBR (though not nearly as fit) and weighed about the same, but was a size bigger. I wasn't in a size four till Lexi was 21-24 mos. soooo... My goal of size four shorts at the beach may be a bit lofty. (Declan will be 17.5 mos then.i had been in an 8 comfortably for about 6w at that time post Lexi.) I'm still hoping to buy size four jeans in October (when my capris will probably cease to make sense...) but we shall see. 

So, am I seeing any results? I am! Other than being a bit smaller, i'm amazed at my performance. I have always struggled with this level of the program, particularly workout 5, but I have done great this time through, and using heavier weights than the folks in the video on pretty much every exercise. I've done the super mans with weights every time-never been able to do any like that before! Yesterday I started out by doing 2 sets of 20 push ups before hitting play, and when I stated this round, I couldn't do 5 in one set. So that's awesome, and I'm well on my way back to sets of 25. 

Um also seeing my upper body muscles come back, which is really cool, because other than abs for the first time, im really passionate about getting my arms back. Shoulders always pop first, then triceps, but I've started to see my biceps too. That's really exciting. I'm curious what will happen over the next few weeks as I work  spinning into my routine! 

Oh, and if anyone wants to get me some 12 and 15 lb weights, that'd be great, cuz I'm using 10's for pretty much all the back and Bicep work now... Yay! 

Craving Community

I was gonna write this later, because I'm really trying to stay off my phone till after I've worked out, but, just as I was about to work out, the Boy woke up, so nursing and blogging it is. 

I crave community, and particularly a best friend who loves Jesus. I had one in my early twenties, and I still love her, but seasons in life shifted, she started working, and we kinda drifted. Then came "the bad times", as we call July 2007-July 2009 around here. I had a "best friend" during that time, but she wasn't a Christian, and that relationship was just never all that healthy to begin with. It ended abruptly, and those who love me breathed a sigh of relief. Since then, I've struggled a lot with craving a "person". I'm close to my sisters, and I have a friend who is like a little sister to me (I love you so much, T!) but none of them is in the right position to be that person, y'know? Not a "good enough" thing, just it's not something you choose exactly. A few times over the past 5 years I've thought "hey maybe she's the one!" And it's never worked out. 

Because I'm afraid. 

I start to hope, and then I get scared and I don't pursue. All the reasons (excuses, mostly) come into my head, and I just retreat from hoping and close myself off. I'm afraid to be rejected, afraid to be hurt, ashamed that I don't drive, of how broken I am, afraid I'm too much to handle, her life is full, she has a best friend, etc.  I've been invited to mom's small group at church, even offered a ride, but I've never gone. Scared. Intimidated.  Want to throw up thinking about it. I joined MOPS, went a few times, LOVE those honest, real women, but fear of my kids getting sick (because that's what happens when littles congregate, and it's a MAJOR anxiety trigger for me) and just general crazy evenings and exhaustion have been a barrier for months. 

And I crave having a person. A best friend to do life with and text all through the day and hang out with drinking wine till the wee hours. Couple best friends. We had that, for about 4 years, (seasonal changes...) and I miss it. 

I'm reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, and she wrote a couple chapters about that close, genuine community, and it awakened my craving. She said though, if you want community, create it. So I'm praying and marinating in that for the moment. I have some ideas, and I'm praying about courage and guidance and I'm gonna talk and pray with Scott. 

I want to throw up even talking about it here and now, so I'm interested to see what God has planned here...

Being Intentional

So, I've kinda made a resolution. I'm going to really focus, starting this month, on using my resources more intentionally to serve God. 

My most valuable (and both most plentiful and scarce at the same time!) is TIME. And I know if I spent it more intentionally, I'd be able to maximize what I could accomplish. 

So what am I going to do differently? 

-get up after Declan's 5:00 or 5:30 feeding (if he has one) instead of laying in bed awake till my alarm goes off. 

-no social media until after my workout, as this is both a time suck and can be an anxiety/depression trigger, as I'll discuss in a minute. 

-set timers for tasks as needed to keep the day moving. 

I'm also going to be intentional about what I fill my mind and time with. My default when I'm nursing or Declan is sleeping, or just when I get a minute, is to check social media, which isn't really feeding my heart or mind most of the time, and while I do need the social connection, I need to be fed more than I am right now. So I'm creating Spotify playlists of uplifting music and I'm creating more space and opportunity for spiritual and emotional food. 

I've been discouraged for a long time that I don't have the time to dig deep and spend two hours solid studying, reading, and praying like I did when I only had one child. But I've realized this is a season, and it's not all or nothing. I don't have two hours, but I have 20 minutes over breakfast before I work out, maybe another 15 or 20 as I recover from that workout before I go for round 2, and other bursts where I create them in the day, I'm sure. I know I'll have more time for journaling, blogging, crafting, and more when Declan is napping on his own (that's a whole other thing I need to write about), but right now, I have time to read while I'm holding him as he naps-I don't have to watch tv while he naps every day.  That's another thing I'm going to be more intentional about-I'll keep up with a few shows that I really enjoy, but no more mindless hours of TV just because. I can use that time that I'm holding the boy to read (either fiction or something to build myself up) or blog, or meal plan, or something else productive. 

Overall, I want to make my time count, because the better I use my time, especially to feed my soul, the more I will have available to pour into others.