"So I took a pregnancy test at like 4:30 this morning and at the time it looked negative, but then when I checked just now there was a plus sign. So I dunno if that's positive or an evaporation line (which I've heard of but never had), so an addition to my prayer request is that when I test again in a few days it's a very clear positive. And that I don't go crazy in the meantime, because I'm very confused. "
That's the message I sent to a few of my friends who I consider my support system right now. I'm totally exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically, the last due to not having had a good night's sleep in a month. Or at least not more than one in a row. The past 4.5 (especially the past 12 days) weeks have been some of the most difficult of my life, yet the past 2.5 have been some of the most spiritually rewarding. This bible study I'm doing has been on point with what I'm facing every single day, and through it and being brave enough to ask for prayer and admit my brokenness and desperation for God's love, peace, and freedom from fear, I really feel I'm beginning to make progress.
I was trying to be low key about taking the pregnancy test this morning. I did not plan on waking up with a desperate need to use the bathroom at 4:28 AM. When I took the test, and stared at it for a minute waiting for any sign of a line, I didn't really feel much. I left it on the counter, hoping maybe Scott would see it and I wouldn't have to bring it up. But here's the other thing-today is the day my period is "expected" but because of my irregular cycles, a negative test today doesn't neccesarily mean I'm not pregnant. I've never found out I was pregnant at four weeks-partly because I've only tested at four weeks a couple times. All three times I've found out at six weeks. I really do believe God's timing is best, and I'm beginning to find some peace in that, though it's still a struggle. Today is just a perfect storm of exhaustion, coupled with a very confusing test result. I don't want to have false hope, but I don't want to be negative nelly either.
One thing that clicked with me best from yesterday's devotional message was the idea of recognizing when things are too big for you and actively handing them over to God. This is something that I find I have to do repeatedly with the same issues because I tend to try to take them back. Over and over.
I find myself today in a place of desperation. Not for a baby, though my heart aches for that gift in ways I cannot express, my desperation is for peace, freedom from fear (because at times I feel so weighed down by it's chains), a sense of God's presence, open eyes and heart to experience in reality His love. I want to live joyfully today! I know that a life of "I'll be happy when..." Is no life at all, I learned that years ago. I also know that joy is beyond our circumstances and comes from the knowledge and understanding of God's love in our lives. I'm hungry for all of this, and I'm at a point of such deep need. I need his comfort, healing, presence, strength, I, like a toddler, need to be caught up in the arms of my Father to feel safe, loved, protected, and comforted.
Abba,
you know all that is on my heart, and all my weaknesses and struggles. You love me in my imperfection and you bless me with your people to show me love on this earth. I praise and thank you for Carol, Adria, Faith, Rebekah, Cindy, Ann, Jody, Julayne, Laura, Callie, Jewell, Chip, and all the others that you have loving on and praying for me. Thank you for Scott and his patience and strength to walk this journey beside me as a partner. Thank you for all the blessings wrapped up in Lexi. Thank you for the reminder of your love and faithfulness that her very life is. Thank you for how healthy, strong, and happy she is. Thank you for her cuddles and her laughter. Please guide me in parenting her with love and wisdom. Thank you for providing all our physical needs and for Scott's job. Father, you know my needs. I do ask that you will give us a healthy strong baby growing inside me, even now. I ask that the next pregnancy test I take will be a clear positive that we can celebrate! If this isn't the month, I ask that you will give me hope to keep going on this journey and joy in trusting in your timing. You know the challenges I'm facing mentally and emotionally and you have all the power to solve them. When my mind and heart become burdened and even before the enemy uses my weakness to attack, I ask that you help me to take those things to you and give me peace and joy that you are taking care of them in ways beyond my dreams. Please bless me with a sense of your presence and love wrapped around me like a blanket, protecting me and giving me security and peace. You are my hope and the only source of peace. I need you.
Amen
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