State of Mae 7/13/17

I wish I could write here about the roller coaster of the past eight months, about the sadness, the fear, and the beauty and the healing-because it's all important- ut I just can't find a way, because telling my story would be telling a story that involves other people, and I really try not to do that here because I never want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like they are on the defensive. I do feel like I need to write about it somewhere, though, so it will likely have to

be old school, in a paper journal.

I don't have a plan for this post, I just feel like I need to write and clear my head and I feel like so much of what is in my head is important and could really help someone else. 

I'm just over a month into therapy, I have at least a provisional diagnosis (feel free to ask, but I'm not ready to share that here in the open), and we are starting to talk about the hard stuff, the practical. I'm terrified by that. I wanted to run out of the room at least twice on Monday, but I also really want to believe this can and will help. I really like E, and I think she is definitely a good fit for me. She encourages me in a way I think it's safe to say nobody ever has. These are things she has said, just in this first handful of sessions: 

"You are such a survivor!"

"You have such a beautiful heart!"

"You are so gracious, even when talking about people and situations that are painful for you!"

"I love the way you love people!"

"It's is so beautiful the way you feel things! You really feel your feelings, and so many people can't do that."

Those are just a few off the top of my head. 

I feel like the things that most people close to me have tried to get me to tamp down or change, (maybe because it doesn't match how they deal with things, or it makes them uncomfortable?)  are things she is able to see and appreciate in me-things that, if I let myself, I actually love about myself! It's like she's holding up a mirror, but with a truth filter that removes the shame of many years of bullying by peers and judgement by authority figures-and I truly feel like digging more into and seeing myself through that mirror, as the woman God made me-ON PURPOSE- could go a long way toward helping me heal. I struggle so much with value and worth and feeling loved and wanted-even with those I'm closest to I have a sense of being put up with like an annoying but endearing pet at best, but maybe if I can discover the truth and beauty of who God made me and know it's on and for a purpose, I can build more confidence to live a freer more confident life. Maybe I can see and receive love from others, no matter how they are showing it, instead of missing it because it's not how I want it (even subconsciously, because I'm not a brat who wants things my way-more on this later), and maybe I will be easier to love if I'm not gobbling up everything I get like it's my first meal in months. That's on top of the clinical care and exercises I'll do with E, and I think it will be worth the time I'll have to carve out to do it. 

About receiving love: I had a bit of a wake up moment recently during a really hard conversation with a loved one. I don't recall the exact words, but this person basically said that they try and try to show me their love and I just won't accept or believe it. It breaks my heart and I'm in tears just writing that, because, a) I would NEVER want anyone to feel that way, that sense of rejection, especially someone I love so much, and b) I am SO hungry for love, from those closest to me in particular, that I am sad to have missed out-and somehow I have, and I don't know how. But, even in the tumultuous place my mind and heart were in in that moment, I purposed and prayed to have open eyes to love being shown me, especially by those who may love differently than me. And you know what? God answered that prayer immediately and repeatedly. Again, I can't share details here, but when I write in that journal, this conversation and what has followed in this relationship will be covered with great detail! 

I feel like I need to write another post now, that connects to but doesn't fit in this one, about mental health and faith and where my heart is on the topic. 

I really hope this journey and the gift God has given me of transparency and candor-I'm a freaking open book-will encourage, comfort, embolden, and bless y'all! 

Update 6/21

So I meant to do this more often, but it's a roller coaster in my head, so here we are. 

I've got two therapy sessions under my belt, and I'm really feeling good about this in a long term view, though it's really scary and overwhelming to think about the work. I love my therapist already and I am relieved to be heard and excited to work with her. 

I'm able to do three sets of twenty push ups! That came pretty quickly, but I haven't pushed for 25 because, for now, I'm kinda content with 20. Maybe in a couple weeks. 

I'm probably not gonna be comfortable in those shorts/capris by my birthday, and that's ok. I've been through a lot mentally the past few weeks, and I have to be fair to myself. 

The plan between now and my birthday is this:

Th: strength workout, cardio workout/3 sets push ups 

F: strength/cardio 

Sa: strength/cardio/walk

Su: REST

M: strength/cardio

Tu: strength/cardio (+cycle?)

Wed: walk/yoga

Th: walk/yoga

F: yoga/travel

Sa: wedding 

Su: Dad's bday/travel 

M: birthday! (Yoga/walk I hope) 

Tuesday: start new plan

6/5 Check in- good, bad, ugly

Ok, so the past week was one of both progress and frustration. I'm gonna break down what was good, what was bad, and what was downright ugly. 

Good: I'm definitely getting stronger and fitter-for the most part I'm able to get through each circuit without pausing for a break, which used to be "normal" but 2 weeks ago was impossible. I'm also making progress toward my goal of doing sets of twenty push ups again. Food went pretty well too overall. 

Bad: the UTI symptoms I've been dealing with off and on since late April came back, and that triggered my anxiety in all kinds of ways. I'm almost through my antibiotics so let's hope this kicks it for good. Also, I'm not seeing giant impressive shrinking progress and that's really discouraging me. I made the  mistake of getting on the scale, and that wasn't great either-and I should've known better. I stayed up too late pretty much every night last week so I'm nowhere near where I need to be normalizing my sleep. 

The UGLY: my anxiety is just terrible. It was getting better day to day, but, maybe from pushing myself to do all the things last weekend and then staying up too late and all the workouts...it was all too much. It wouldn't surprise me if the UTI symptoms aren't from a UTI but from my anxiety. Even now I'm terrified about everything and nothing. 

So, clearly I need to find a way to refocus and charge ahead to achieve my goals and improve quality of life for my whole family, despite not feeling great about how things are going right now. 

Today the plan is: 

1 -2 set push-ups 

Feed kids

Feed self/devotions

School

Third set push ups

Workout-focus on strength training moves but do cardio intervals as able 

Protein shake

Lunch for kids

Workout 2- same focus 

Lunch for me

Do something creative with Lexi

Make dinner 

Family time 

That's all I can really worry about-what I can actually do-I can't control the results I get from the workouts, but I can give them my best and know I will get stronger, especially if I prioritize rest as well. 

Bonus good: I have started contact with a therapist who I feel is a great fit for me and though it will be a bit of a wait, I'm hopeful of what we can accomplish! 

***update I just did 20 push-ups in my first set!

Don't call it a comeback-no, actually, go ahead.

So, I've been back at it for a few weeks now, but haven't had the time or resources or focus to write.i can't really talk about my lost late  March and all of April, as cathartic as it would be, because i can't write without saying something negative about some people, and you know what Thumper's mama told him! 

Also, a GINORMOUS shoutout of thankfulness for my amazing husband who got me through that time with lots of prayer, encouragement, hugs, and listening. I would not be here without him. Also to all you ladies who listened to my saga and/or prayed for me. 

I have made/am making a helluva comeback though. It's humbling to realize how much fitness is lost in 6 weeks or so of complete inactivity, and the way this illness can break down the body as well as the mind. Because of this, I have to redefine what my goal is for my 35th birthday, five weeks from today. 

My goal for the mid-term (not even long term)  is still #ropesngunsnabs, but I'm not gonna have a six pack, or even a flat pack in five weeks. So what is my birthday goal? I'm gonna figure that out, right now, in a stream of consciousness by defining some smaller goals. 

-I want to be back to doing three sets of 25 push ups (on top of whatever is in my workouts) 2-3x a week. On Saturday I did 4 sets of 12, so I don't think this will take 5 weeks. 15 by this Saturday, 20 the next, 25 the week after. Boom. 

-I want to be practicing yoga 4-6x a week, even if only 20-30 minutes at a time. I'm hoping to start that this Thursday. Yoga is my true love, and ultimately I want to shift my fitness focus from more HIIT/some yoga to the reverse. 

-I want to average a fifteen minute mile on our walks. This is trickier because it's getting hotter, and walks are a bit more draining, but it's a goal-and I'll just work at it till I get there, even if it takes till Fall. 

-I want to be able to do any class on my Peleton cycle app-right now I'm back to 20 minute beginner classes as I ramp up, but even in March I was only working through 45 minute basic classes, and I want to be able to do interval classes, metrics, or whatever I want, even for 60 or 90 minutes. I might be able to get there in 5 weeks, but most likely it'll take a bit longer- I'm hoping before our vacation in August though. 

All those are performance goals, because that's really what I have more control over, and where I see improvement more consistently, but I do have aesthetic goals. This is tricky because I don't want to slide into hating my body or say I'm

A failure if it doesn't look a certain way. But at the same time, I love the way *I* feel when I see the strength I'm building reflect externally. It's a very slippery thing. 

-I want abs. I do. I don't know what that looks like exactly or how long it'll take, I just want it. I do know I'm not gonna stop living my life to achieve them. I'm going to eat a slice of cake on birthdays, I'm gonna have Pizza Hut once in awhile. So fitness competitions are not likely in my future. Haha! I think bottom line, I want my jeans to fit comfortably without muffin top. By the end of September. I feel like four months is a fair goal for that. 

-I want my arms and back toned. This is hard to define too, but I want them to look strong even when I'm not flexing-and really nice definition when I am. And eliminate bra rolls.  Ha! 

So what is the five week Birthday goal?  It's so hard because I'm trying to rebuild from a really hard time, but here it is. I have a pair of Capri pants and a pair of shorts that I was wearing comfortably 3 years ago at my fittest, and I'd really like them to fit comfortably by my birthday. I was almost there before I fell apart, so it should be possible 😜 I just took a "starting" picture, and it really couldn't be worse, because I'm in the middle of my period and this weekend included pizza, ice cream, and cupcakes. So,   Scott is on notice that the sugar is gone and pizza is a non option for awhile - not forever because imma live my life- and I'm on track with meal and workout plans. I'm hoping to make time for short updates regularly here over the next five weeks and beyond, both for whoever is reading this and for myself to look back on. Because I'm feeling more determined than ever to meet these short-mid term goals so I can start pursuing my RYT 200 as soon as I can. 

So HOW am I gonna do all this? Well

I've tweaked my food plan to put high quality carbs right before and after my workouts, and lots of good fats and protein, and very little else. Every meal is planned, leaving no room for winging it, but every meal is also delicious and satisfying. 

And for workouts, I'm using Jillian Michaels new app, as well as the Peloton cycle app, the Fitstar Yoga app, and MapMyWalk. I'm going to be giving all I have without overtraining- like Jillian says, 6h a week of training, and no more- but walks and generally being active don't count. I'm really hoping to check in as often as I can with little successes and victories! 

Btw, this is my journey so far, and my reminder that I've come a long way inside and out. 

Catharsis 4/3

I'm so sad not to be nursing anymore. I waited so long for my "baby years" and they were over painfully quickly. I want another baby with all my heart. As much as I wanted Lexi for ten years. It's like a new form of infertility. I want another baby, I have the love to give, I love being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, all of it. But I'm not well mentally, and I know that two babies with a mama is better than three with no mama. That's devastating. I'm too broken in the head to do this thing that's so beautiful and powerful and fulfilling and that so many people take for granted. I cry over it almost daily. My womb feels hollow. 

Monday morning

The baby is fussing in his crib. I feel my daughter beside me. I'm so tired. I feel the fear, so familiar, pricking at the edges of my barely conscious mind. I need to wake up. Eyes open, rolling over. She says, "it's ok, Mama, I'll cheer him while you wake up." 

"Ok Baby, thank you." What time is it? 9:27. Text messages-stab of fear. My mom has sent us a link to some John piper thing. About hoping in God. I feel a wall go up. She says because she loves us (me) and we (I) matter. I want to believe that. I don't want to throw up a wall. I start reading and scan a bit. Maybe it won't be so bad,Ron make it worse. Maybe it will help? Maybe. I head to the bathroom. Great, first day of my period. So much for the goal day measurements and check in I had planned. I look at my bloated abdomen and feel hopeless and discouraged. I get the kids from the baby's crib, shower kisses and change a diaper, she exchanges pull up for panties. I tell them I'm going to take a shower (I never shower when they are awake, but-I matter, right? And I haven't showered in well over a week.) and I do. I pray in the shower, but then the thoughts of pain, rejection, and being ignored by a loved one come flooding in. Then the anxiety thoughts that can easily turn to paralyzing fear. No. I breathe deeply and turn off the water. I turn my mind to the possibilities and dreams ahead. To the fitness goals I want to pursue, to creativity, to life beyond this pain. I want to be beyond this pain. 10:04. Get dressed. Workout clothes, all pink. Tank says: "Get your mind right". Yup, trying to. Hair starting to dry tumbles almost to my waist in a cloud of messy curls. No product to tame it today. I should really shave my legs if I'm gonna wear capris. 

"Bub, wanna go downstairs and eat?"

"yeah."

I hold his hand as he slowly makes his way down. 

Pour coffee and put in microwave. Banana for him. I let him carry it to his chair and as I wipe his tray, still dirty from last night, he opens it and starts eating. I laugh from my belly-I didn't know he knew how! In his chair, he eats, while I measure b12 liquid. I am holding it in my mouth when I hear "Zoom zoooooom zoooom!" Coming down the stairs. "MAMA I CAN PLEASE HAVE BERRY JUICE WITH A STRAW?!?!" Get her breakfast, take b12 and omegas. Make tea. Pour coffee. Stare into space because here come those fears again. You need to write. Maybe therapy would help. But I'm scared of so many things and I don't want to be pushed too hard. I just want compassion. I want to be heard and someone tell me my feelings matter and I do deserve better. That though the fear seems real, it can be overcome. That danger isn't looming constantly and I can be free to live. That I am loved. Scott tells me, and he's just amazing, but this is too much for him to have to carry. He sees me suffering and he wants to make it better, but he feels helpless and I feel like I'm failing him. Ok. Enough thinking. What are you gonna do today? 11:04 AM.

Mission:April

This month-maybe longer, if it helps- I am going to write more. I'm going to share. I'm going to be as transparent as I can without letting myself dwell on things that aren't healthy and without calling anyone out or being passive aggressive-because that's not what this is about. It's about being a voice. For myself, which is actually difficult for me because I fear rejection (after all, I've been rejected a LOT in my life so far), but also a voice for others who are struggling with anxiety and depression, and the way that life piles on top of that and makes it feel insurmountable. 

I'm exploring options to help me heal, and maybe-hopefully-I'll have some good things to share on that front as time goes on. Only one thing is clear though, I MUST FIGHT.