Self Care and Normalcy

Those have been my key words and cravings since Declan has been born, and I think I'm finally almost to where I want to be with both, but boy has it been a battle! 

Normalcy seemed impossible. 

Declan's birth took far more of a physical toll on me than Lexi's did, and that started me out a bit weaker both physically and emotionally. Plus the nursing struggle. Ohhhh the nursing. He had trouble in the hospital, but I figured it'd just take a few days, and he'd get it. No, it was a roller coaster for a very long time, and now, eleven weeks after his birth, it's still not easy and totally natural like it was with Lexi, but we are making it work in a way I can live with. I won't bore you with the details except to say that I'm not sleep deprived because Declan is up all night, im sleep deprived because I'm not yet comfortable enough with how much he's eating to allow him to sleep through the night, because he would.  We are finding a rhythm of systems that allow us to begin to go out and do things, and I'm beginning to be able to give Lexi more than the bare minimum of my attention, and we are creating our new normal. We aren't quite there yet, because Scott and I have got to find a way to go to bed before midnight so I can start my day earlier without robbing my body of the sleep it needs, but I feel we are close. It's a bit frustrating when I have an idea of a routine in my head and I can't get it rolling quite as smoothly as I'd like right out of the gate, but I'm learning to just keep moving and eventually we will get to the place I'd like to be. And I'm a heck of a lot better at it now than I was when Lexi was a baby and I just lived in my euphoria bubble. The key to getting even this far though, has been: 

Self Care. 

Even before I had kids, back when I did what I wanted all day long (which honestly sounds so boring now!) I periodically took a day and called it a spa day. I took a long bath with bubbles and candles, did a long series of treatments on my face, gave myself a mani-pedi...and it refreshed me. In 2011 while we were actively pursuing having a baby, self care became more focused on my health and fitness, and that year was life changing. I fell in love with eating clean and moving my body. Then something crazy happened.  I unlocked something in me that is never knew was there, first through swimming, then through cycle and yoga. I'd barely gotten to scratch the surface of my athleticism when I found out I was pregnant with Lexi. Self care wasn't really something I struggled with during that first year in my pink Lexi bubble. Though I was unhappy with how my body looked and felt, I was not ready yet to stop snuggling long enough to do what it took to reclaim my health and really discover what I had inside me. I discovered Paleo halfway through that year, and that was awesome, but only half the package of a healthy lifestyle. In August 2013 though, it all clicked, and I began pursuing my health and working to become my best, strongest, and happiest self. It's funny that from August 2013-June 2014 I went through some of the most painful emotional and spiritual challenges of my life, but the knowledge that if I kept on course with self care, which had come to mean daily devotion, consistent exercise and physical challenges, good food, and a little makeup, I would not only survive, but thrive. I wasn't able to keep nearly as active as I wanted to while pregnant with Declan, and the difficulty sleeping robbed me of my early morning bible study time, but I was determined not to let 6 months go by before I started taking care of myself postpartum and definitely not a year. Even with all the challenges, I have to say I'm proud of myself, because I started walking fairly regularly when Declan was 3 weeks old, I started doing yoga when he was 6 weeks old, and I started HIIT training when he was 2 months old. With Scott's help, I'm putting self care habits in place that are already making me the best mama for my babies. Here's what self care looks like for me now: 

- a realistic schedule mapped out that I can work toward making a daily routine for our family

- hands free pumping bras so I can have devotions during those overnight feeding/pumping sessions, breakfast and coffee during the morning one, and the ability to read and blog, and make that time not wasted. 

-good food that is quickly and easily accessible during the day so I stay fueled

-support in making my fitness a priority. My workouts are my medicine, and they must happen. Scott's support and facilitating this when needed is huge

-tools and products to keep myself looking and feeling pretty-this sounds silly, but the main room of our apartment has a mirrored wall. If I look like crap, I'm gonna see it all day and that's really depressing. 

-this one is new: a membership to a spa where I can get a massage or facial regularly. Best Mother's Day gift ever! 

I'm way behind on my schedule today already due to needing to sleep in and a baby that needed cuddles, but I'm going to keep rolling forward. 

If you are a mama who struggles with self care, if it sounds silly and selfish to make time for your needs, please take it from me-it's not. It's putting on your oxygen mask so you can help your family with theirs. 

Three weeks in...

I've been working out consistently for three weeks now, and I am having quite mixed feelings about how it's going.

The good: I'm definitely getting stronger! I can do more reps with heavier weights on this second level workout than I could when I first did it a couple weeks ago. I also feel much more energetic afterwards than I did when I started.

Declan is also a great workout buddy! 

The bad: I have shorter range of motion than I'd like on squats, lunges, and reverse flys. Also my knees are sore. I feel  like my form is pretty good, but I'm going to pay more attention just in case. 

The ugly: I'm really struggling to be patient and manage my expectations when it comes to results. I have yet to get smaller, and sometimes some of my clothes even feel tighter. Rationally, I know this is because I always swell up when I first start working out or level up, but it's hitting me hard. I embraced the pregnancy curves, but it's suddenly breaking my heart not to be back in the body I worked so hard for before I got pregnant. Sigh. I don't need to wake up a size 4 tomorrow, but progress in that direction would be nice! 

Once more through workout 2, then a rest day, then I level up on Thursday, and I finish this program the end of next week! 

Project Fit Mama-round 2!

I'm back on the fitness horse! I'm not in a groove yet, but I'm making it happen. Starting this week I'm working my way through Jillian Michaels Beginner Shred and going for at least a 2 mile walk every day that I can, wearing Declan and pushing Lexi. I'm hoping to get a better estimate of my calorie burn by getting my HRM up and running soon. Next month I start JMBR, which will carry me through till our vacation in late August. I'll keep walking, and hopefully the second week in June I'll get back on the spin bike twice a week. That's the plan. 

I have goals: 6-8 lbs a month (maybe?) and one pants size on average(?) but I know I can't get hung up on or drive too hard toward them while I'm nursing, especially as hard as nursing has been. I have to focus more on conditioning and getting to be as healthy as I can, and let my body change as it will. Ugh. That's so hard for this results driven girl. I'm hoping to really enjoy improvement in my performance and celebrate getting stronger and having more energy, even if getting leaner takes a bit longer? 

I'm actually (after three times through the first level workout) already seeing performance improvement. I didn't track what I was able to do the first time through on push ups and tricep dips, but yesterday I did twenty of each total. I'll pay more attention, and see how I improve by the time I'm ready to level up after 3 more times through. 

These first two months with Declan have been beyond challenging, even though he's the sweetest boy ever. Nursing has been such a struggle, and I'm still not sure what the answer is, but we will keep working on it and find the right rhythm for our family. I'm not exactly sure what that'll look like, but I feel like taking care of myself is an important piece of the puzzle. More thoughts and results as they come, on both the fitness and mama adventure fronts. 

Here I am, 8 weeks pp, starting out 182lbs and a size 10. 

Declan's Birth Story

Every child is different, and I guess that starts early. My pregnancy with Declan was different from that with Lexi in as many ways as it was similar, and his labor and birth followed that pattern. 

Around 9pm on February 28, Scott and I started watching the movie Zardoz, and I think I'll always associate that bizarre film with Declan's birth, because it was confusing and surreal and the perfect backdrop to what began 30 minutes into watching it. I began feeling what I thought was Declan stretching in my belly, and thought, "if you want more room, I've got an idea on how you can get some..." This continued through the whole movie, and I thought nothing of it, and certainly didn't recognize it as a pattern of contractions! We went to bed around 1 AM, and he was still "stretching" fairly often, and because of this and the pelvic pain I'd  been experiencing the past few months, I didn't sleep well. Around 3am I got up to use the bathroom, and suddenly it clicked that these were contractions. I don't know why it took me so long. I got in the bathtub around 4, and they were starting to get a bit more intense at this point, but not yet bad enough I considered them painful. After my bath, I had a glass of orange juice, and lay down to enjoy the baby kicks, knowing that phase of our relationship was coming to a close. Around 530 I started timing the contractions, and they were about 6-8 min apart but still not very intense, and stayed that way for about 5 hours, when they  slowed way down, and at the advice of Alli and Scott, I decided to take a nap. When I woke around 1 PM, I was very discouraged, because this was reminding me of my labor with Lexi, which was so very long and exhausting, and I was afraid this wasn't really "it" after all. I cried a few minutes, then Scott and Lexi came in an cuddled and prayed with me. A few minutes later the contractions started up again and this time were closer to 5 minutes apart fairly consistently, with a few longer stretches, and by 430 I was ready for Alli to come and help me evaluate when it was time to go to the hospital and just be with me while I labored. It was a good stretch of time of consistent contractions that were getting closer and slowly more intense. Eventually my mom arrived (I have no idea What time it was, just that I was in the tub, and lexi sounded elated to see her!)and joined the party, and awhile after that, we all decided things were not progressing fast enough that going to the hospital would be productive yet-since I wasn't yet in need of any pain management, and we'd go to the hospital at 7 AM no matter what. So Alli went home to rest, and I planned on doing the same, except there was no rest for me. We convinced Max, Scott's best friend, (who had an adorably inaccurate impression of what labor was like) to come over and hang out awhile, and help keep my spirits up. Still slowly, but steadily, the pain began to intensify, though I was able to laugh and joke between contractions, and by midnight, when I finally agreed to go to bed, it was becoming unbearable. I decided to take a shower and see if that would slow things down so I could rest(like it did with Lexi!) and that ended up backfiring majorly. I was in the shower about 10 minutes and had 3 incredibly intense (to the point I'm almost in tears 2 weeks later remembering) contractions in that time. I had another with  Scott holding me while getting dressed, and when I finally lay down in bed, I had the most painful and long contraction so far. I lay there moaning through contractions 3-5 minutes apart for the next two hours before I told Scott that there was no way I could rest and I needed to get to the hospital and get an epidural so I could finally sleep (this was night 2 of being awake in labor, and already far more pain than I ever experienced in my whole labor with Lexi )or else I would not be strong enough to get him out. So, through the contractions we got up, dressed, called Alli, and out the door. My mama was so sweet and wanted to help however she could. I was and am so glad she was here and part of the whole story! I remember being deliriously amused that Scott grabbed our redbox rentals to return on the way. They didn't get returned, because it was clear I just needed to get to the hospital when we had to pause and work through 2 contractions between our door and the car.    The roads were very still and quiet at 230 or so in the morning, and probably because of the contractions, it seemed a much faster trip than ever before. I remember utter relief that we found a parking spot directly in front of the ER, and started bawling when, I guess having seen me working through a contraction in the doorway, the ER receptionist met us with a wheelchair. We sat/stood there what Scott says was a long time waiting to be admitted, and I'm thankful for whatever time was saved by my pre-registration a few weeks before! The nurse or CNA or whatever she was that took my vitals  as I was admitted was terribly rude. She fired questions at me and if I was working through a contraction and couldn't answer she was impatient. Example: her: "what's your doctor's name?" Me: (whispering) "Reutinger." Her: "What?!" Without even turning around. Scott was really angry, and probably because he was more present, has an even worse impression of her than I do. Eventually we were taken up to the Maternal/Infant unit, and as soon as we got out of the elevator, a million memories rushed back from Lexi's birth. Stepping out of that elevator, crying from being overwhelmed and tired, meeting Alli...it was a really powerful moment. Alli and I talked a little about that day as we sat in the now empty waiting room, that had been so full that day. Soon they came to bring us to my room, and predictably, I had to pause halfway down the short hall to work through a contraction. As I breathed deeply, I heard the girl in the room we were outside ask about an epidural, and I said "yes please. I want an epidural!" The nurses all laughed, and it was then I discovered my room was directly next to the nurses station, which seemed like a plus. I finally made it to my room, changed into a gown, and went through all the fun of hundreds of questions and paperwork while getting an IV and working through increasingly painful contractions. I had the best support system though, and I'm so thankful for them. Yet again I'm thankful for Alli as a friend and a Doula. Her encouragement and humor are just perfect for me. One of my favorite moments from the pre-epidural time there was when the nurse asked Scott his name and then "is it ok if I call you Scott?" And Alli said "no, call me Big Daddy!" I about died laughing, though mostly on the inside. I made Scott and Alli laugh too, when the nurse went to listen to my lungs or something, and a contraction started so I was moaning which I guess got in the way of  her listening, so when she went to try again she said "don't make noise this time." I said "yeah, I'll try not to have a contraction..." (I mean, really?) After awhile I began feeling frustrated because I was in so much pain and I just wanted to rest. Where was my epidural? The nurse must have sensed my weariness because she explained that I had to have the whole bag of IV fluid before I could have the meds, but that it wouldn't be much longer. When the anaesthesiologist came in and was explaining the process, she said "and sometimes the medicine doesn't work as well as we'd like..." And I was thinking "oh HELL no!"  Then Scott and Alli left, and we got started. The contractions were awful, but I held as still as I could, and after a failed attempt at one space in my spine, the anaesthesiologist got everything all set, and I was positioned in bed, with one leg totally numb and control of the other. This made me nervous that the epidural wasn't going to work as well, and I was a bit unsettled awhile, until I could no longer feel the contractions at all. I dozed a little, then around 5 the doctor came in an broke my water. I'd need admitted at 4cm and I was now 5, less than 2h later, so that was good. I mostly rested until my new nurse, Annika came on at 7. I liked her from the start. I'm a little fuzzy on what happened over the next few hours because I really was resting and sleeping during this time. I know I had some oxygen (not as an emergency but as insurance), I had a "whiff" of pitocin,  and even that was turned off quickly. It was much less dramatic then this time during my labor with Lexi. Also, when I was admitted, if agreed to let students be part of my care on a case by case basis, and the first of the four I met during my stay was Marshall, a paramedic student. He was quiet and very polite and in and out a bit.We started using the peanut ball and I really feel like it made a huge difference!  Around 10:30 AM I've started to feel the urge to make a BM. I knew what this meant, and I was afraid that, since I could feel pressure from the catheter on each contraction, I'd feel all the pain while pushing, so I waited awhile to say anything-until it became so consuming I needed to say something. As soon as I did, Alli found Annika, who came and checked me, and just as expected, I was ready to push! Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that his head was halfway out at that point, I felt so ready physically. Not so emotionally. I started bawling because I was tired and scared and overwhelmed and embarrassed. Everyone told me not to be embarrassed, and it was understandable. I was so thirsty, and Annika let Scott get ice chips to feed me, which he did all while I was pushing. Annika went to call Dr Reutinger, who apparently had no idea I was at the hospital, and was excited to come right over! We did some practice pushing, and were ready to roll when Dr R arrived. Marshall was back, and I felt proud to let him learn from my birth.The mood in my room was just so positive and encouraging and I could not have hoped for anything better. Alli applied some peppermint oil to my temples, and that made a world of difference in my mental clarity and calm, not long into pushing, we discovered that, as I all but assumed would be the case, Declan was sunny side up. Just like his sister. So this was gonna be long and hard. But I also was told I was a real great pusher, so that gave me drive and strength to go the distance. I pushed hard, and rested  well between contractions. It became apparent that Declan had lots of hair, though lighter than his sister's, and that started to give me a picture of him to focus on. I can't say enough about how much it meant to have Alli there encouraging me the whole time, and I have no words for the way I fell in love with Scott in a whole new way as he coached me through every push and held my leg. It was so very cool. One comedic moment was when Scott, who was on the side with my "dead" leg, let go after a contraction instead of placing it back on the stirrup thing, and it just flopped down. I had no control or way to fix it, and in that moment it was hilarious to me. After an hour and 45 min or so, Dr Reutinger encouraged me to let him use the vaccum to assist, because he felt that with a posterior baby, I'd progressed about as far as I could on my own. I was hesitant, because I knew the next step after that was surgery, but he assured me we were almost there and it wouldn't take much. He was right, and Declan was born on the second push of the first contractions with the vaccum. He cried right away, which made me bawl, because Lexi hadn't, and they handed him to me sooo quickly I was thrilled! I took one look and exclaimed "Holy Crap he looks like his Daddy!!!" Which made everyone laugh. I'm fuzzy after that, other than he was just perfect, and everything was perfect, had a ton of red (ok, strawberry blonde) hair, and I was overwhelmed and overjoyed at how it all went. There were some hurdles in recovery and nursing in the first week, but I couldn't be happier and more relieved at the birth experience we had. 

My Nephew Peter

So, on September 11, 1982, a baby boy was born who would grow to be the love of my life. How fitting that it was on the same date (32 years later) that another young man who would make my heart swell in ways that were new to even this emotional soul would make his entrance?

If you've followed our story this year you know that there has been a lot of emotion and sadness wrapped up in the word and month September for me, and particularly for the second week of the month, when the baby we lost would have been born. God works through our pain to bring beautiful things though. My Sister in Law Megan (yes, we have the same name. ;-)) shared what was my due date of Sept 9, and I just wasn't sure how I'd  feel if the baby came that day. But he didn't. He came 2 days later, right on time, to share a birthday with my favorite man on earth. 

We were leaving my doctor's office after a great checkup, hearing baby's heartbeat, and just feeling great, when Scott asked me (cautiously) if I was ready to go see the baby. Surprisingly to both of us, I was, and I was even excited! When we arrived at the door to their hospital room, I took a deep breath to prepare myself for whatever feels would come, but NEVER could I have been prepared for what I felt when Peter was placed in my arms. I fell in love. My heart swelled. I was healed. I cried, and could only blubber to Mike "he's so beautiful." Over and over. Any pain I expected never came. God set up a perfect morning to show me so much, about our baby and also just the magic of being an aunt to this sweet little man, who just by being him and looking just a teeny bit like his 2 year old cousin, healed something in me that I never expected. The pain of September is no more. I still feel sad for the loss, but I don't feel pain or anger, for the first time in almost 9 months. God used a boy not 12 hours old to do that, and I am so thankful. 

As a bonus, Lexi got to love on him too, and hear him cry (yay practice!) and even repeatedly tried to take and hold him herself! 

Just a few pics: 

Aaaah! Update! (16 weeks)

Ok, it's been far too long since I've updated. Let's just say it was an eventful month. The day after our 12 week appointment, we found out our dear (if not super close in recent years) friend Patrick Holyfield was days away from passing away from a fast moving and agressive cancer. Four days after that, he did. That week (and really, the few following it too) was/were brutal, and kicked up my anxiety, which had been less of a battle this time up to that point. I'm triggered, I've discovered by intense negative emotion, even unrelated, to fear for the baby, and this was a big issue. Then, I tried my new pregnancy workout, and had some after effects that weren't a cause for alarm, but made me feel anxious, so I've taken it a bit easier other than walking the past couple weeks. I plan on working the yoga back in and returning to my walks at the gym too. 

My doctor had said I *could* expect to feel the baby move as early as 14 weeks, and since then, I've been on high alert, and maybe a little bit desperate to start feeling what we in our home call "the bomps" . I think I've felt something fairly distinctive at least once or twice, but obviously at 16.5 weeks it's still early and baby is still pretty tiny (about 5 inches long) so, I'm trying to be patient and exercise my trust muscles. 

We had our 16 week appt last Friday (9/12/14) and it went perfectly. Belly is growing, blood pressure is good, and best of all, baby has a big healthy heartbeat! Yaaaaaay! Something else awesome happened that same morning, but it/he deserves his own post. 

Here's a couple pics! 

15 weeks:

16 weeks:

12 week OB visit for Lil Valentine

I wrote this post earlier and then got a phone call and lost it. *insert tears* So, here's hoping round 2 is just as eloquent.  *insert laughter*

So, today we visited my doctor for my 12 week visit to check on Lil Valentine, and I guess me too. It was easily the quickest we have ever flowed through the check in/triage/waiting/waiting in exam room/seeing the doctor process ever, which was really good, because even though my belly is growing and I have all the reason to feel confident about Lil Valentine's well being, we all know fear -especially irrational, lie based fear- is a struggle for me, and I've felt anxious off and on all week. Part of that is because this is the 12 week visit, and, even though all was well with Lexi at 12 weeks, the visit was scary. It went something like this: 

As Dr Reutinger readied the Doppler, he told me that sometimes at 12 weeks or wasn't possible to find the heartbeat with the Doppler, and in that case, he'd send me down the hall to get an ultrasound. After a few long minutes of searching, he said "well, you get to go see your baby! That'll be more fun anyway." (I love my doctor so much.) The next 15-20 minutes while we waited for that ultrasound were terrifying. However, as soon as the ultrasound tech touched my uterus, she said "Oh! I see the heartbeat with my naked eye already! Let me zoom in!" Lexi was totally fine, and looking much more like a baby than the month before. 

I still didn't want to relive that experience though. And according to the measurements from last month, this 12 week check would be 4 days sooner in baby's development (11w5d) than with Lexi (12w2d), so how could I expect to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler? so we prayed specifically that Dr Reutinger would find Lil Valentine's heartbeat with the Doppler and that the visit would be totally positive and smooth.

God is *so* good to us. 

Dr Reutinger said all my bloodwork and vitals look good, and we chatted about how I feel, and then he felt my belly and helped me feel the "lump" that is my growing bump, and said that was right on target. Then he gave me the same speech about the Doppler, and we listened. At first there was nothing. Then we heard a slow heartbeat, which was clearly mine, because it was far too slow. After a bit longer I started to become a bit afraid, but suddenly there it was. The most beautiful sound a pregnant mama can hear. We listened to Lil Valentine's heart a-beatin away for a good bit, and the rest of the chat with my doctor is kinda a blur now. God answered my weak and anxious prayers, and I am so thankful and humbled. 

This first trimester wasn't as free from fear as I'd maybe hoped, but I have to say that through prayer with Scott, on my own, reading and repeating scripture and truth, and the prayers of others, it's been far better than I expected. You know what else? Every time I have asked God for reassurance he has come through-not for proof, but for peace and confidence in his love for me. And he has answered every specific prayer for this baby so far, from the Doppler today, to a strong heartbeat a month ago, to a clear and not ambiguous at all pregnancy test in late June. I am so thankful and so blessed. 

It is sometimes hard for me to absorb and process the positive truth, particularly after I've been struggling with fear for awhile, so today required a lot of marinating on the blessing of that heartbeat and being past the first trimester (essentially) and the excitement that I'm only a few weeks away from feeling movements, and all the good stuff. Things are good. This is real, and I'm learning every day to bask in the truth and shut out the lies. 

11 weeks, 5 days, and as my mama said, "whoa girl! There it is!"