Looking at September

We are back from our wonderful vacation and I'm determined and motivated to make September a great month! There are a few part of this, and I'm gonna share and gather my thoughts here for myself and for you! 😜

Breastfeeding: more sleep! 

Declan is still nursing exclusively (no bottles, woohoo!) and I'm slowly weaning myself off the pump so not to lose my supply (vacation has me temporarily trying to boost it back at the moment!) I have stopped pumping at night, and even though this leads to more interrupted sleep, I think once I'm used to it, it will lead to much more and better sleep for me. More/better sleep means more energy and hopefully benefits for my fitness journey. 

Eating clean!

I'm ready to really clean things up around here, and commit to eating as clean  as I can, meaning cutting processed foods and as much sugar as possible. This will bring much more produce into my life and I'm really looking forward to the energy boost from that. I'm going to be keeping my food diary again, and hopefully I'll get the hang of eating enough pretty quickly. 

No alcohol this month! 

I'm going to abstain from alcohol entirely this month. I don't drink heavily anyway, but I'm gonna take the month off from my wine anyway, and see if it gives me a little weight loss boost. I may or may not allow red wine again sometimes in October.

Finishing Body Revolution!

I'm starting the final 4 weeks of this round of JMBR, and gearing up for BodyShred in October. I'm excited for that, and really want to start as strong as I can. 

Depression: 

August was a really bad month for my PPDA and I'm really hoping September is better. I'm going to spend more time having devotions, praying, and caring for myself. I'm also going to look into the possibility of group and individual therapy. 

Goals: 

The big goal for the month is to be comfortable in my size 8 skinnies by the time I start BodyShred, and it's a doozy from where I sit now. I'm gonna hit it hard and eat great though, and see if I can't hit it! The goal timeline will stay the same looking ahead, even if I take an extra couple weeks to hit this one. 

The other fitness goal is to be doing 4 sets of 25 push ups outside of my workouts twice a week by 10/5- I think this is doable, especially since I did 4 sets 18 today! 

Here's where I'm starting the month: 

Waist:31

Hips: 41

Thigh: 22.5

I'd like to lose an inch off each by the end  of the month. Don't know how doable, but it's a goal! 

That's what I'm looking at for this month... Let's do this! 

Reflection on my new goals and the journey ahead

So, this morning I found myself kinda "in my feelings" about where my body is right now and how overwhelming the road ahead feels. I've broken it into totally doable goals...I think. I keep telling myself, "hey, so you're not where you want to be right now, but think of where you will be a year from now! That thought blows my mind! I went from a size 14 to a 4 in 7 months, so if I'm a size 10 now, I could be a pretty ripped and shredded mama a year from now! That's the thing-the size 4 isn't a destination, it's a major milestone, and I don't want to be smaller, but it's also a jumping off point to achieve greatness too. From there I want to pursue yoga poses and strength I have never seen before, I want my RYT 200,  I want to reach new levels of performance in spin class, i want to go hiking with my husband and not be dragging behind him. 

So, how do we eat an elephant? It's gotta be one day at a time, one goal at a time. I'll keep an eye on the mid-term goal, which is those size 4 jeans, but I can only try to conquer what's right in front of me. 

Right now that's a pair of size 8 shorts I want to wear on vacation next week. They just about fit. I'm going to finish out this week of workouts, drink my dandelion/cranberry/lemon drink, and enjoy my vacation and recovery week.  Then I will come home with a renewed commitment to:

-Eat clean--it's far to easy to buy processed stuff, and snack all the time, especially as a mom of 2 bitties. But, no. As a rule, we are all going to do better about this. 

-track what I'm eating-- this is to serve two purposes: to make sure I'm eating enough, and to reassure me when I'm starving in the evening that I have eaten enough. Not eating enough has been historically my biggest weight loss barrier. 

-stick to eating only at mealtime. It's easy to use breastfeeding as a reason to snack, but my metabolism will thank me if I don't. What I need to do is make my 4 meals a day big enough to use all my calories. 

- start walking again. The fresh air will do wonders for clearing my head and for the kids. The plan is to walk for 45-60 min, then hit the playground as often as weather allows. 

-wean off pumping. Declan hasn't had a bottle in 2.5 weeks, so I'm basically pumping to keep supply steady while he really adjusts to having to work harder for his food. Hopefully by the end of September we can be in enough of a rhythm that I can have that time back. I imagine the freedom and reduced stress will be a huge benefit. All the cortisol can't be helping. 

All these things should help me reach my next goal: my size 8 skinny jeans by 10/5. That's just under 7 weeks from now, after completing Body Revolution and taking a recovery week. I feel like it's totally doable if I stay committed to the above. 

Then, I'll do my first round of BodyShred and hopefully end that 12 weeks wearing my size 6 jeans when we go to Nebraska for Christmas. 

In January I plan to do a Whole30 and a month of potpourri workouts before my second round of BodyShred to finish in late March, and ending with Size 4 jeans. 

After that, the focus shifts to performance as I work through a couple months of master training and yoga. Maybe I'll even see my abs by summer! 

That's the plan, and it's beyond reasonable if I stick to my guns.one pant size every 3 months? Considering I've lost one every month for 5 months before, I think so.  Notice what word isn't in any of those goals,? "Weigh." Because the scale isn't an accurate measure of progress for me. I'll weigh myself from time to time, but I'm much more interested in the number in my jeans, though I won't be defined by it. 

Our Breastfeeding Journey: the current chapter, 8/15

So, we've come a long way through nipple shields, tongue tie, syringes, bottles, timers, waking constantly throughout the night, and lots and lots of pumping. Okay, so there's still a lot of that last one going on. 

Last week sometime, Declan had a hiccup in his seemingly magical progress in nursing, and started pulling off and screaming a few minutes into every feeding. He, like the rest of us, was and is adjusting to the new schedule, and we still haven't quite figured out nap logistics where I'm not holding him and he's not being bothered by Lexi, so he's been very overtired. That might explain this behavior, but it still wasn't fun. Add to that that he had also decided he didn't want to take a bottle anymore, and you have a mama who started to freak out a little about whether he's getting enough milk. 

I decided that all I can really do is offer milk at regular intervals and respond to any requests between. I can't make him eat, and trying to is only going to make it worse. So I fed him, I pumped, and I had Scott offer him bottles, most of which he rejected. It's Tuesday noon, and he hasn't taken a bottle since Saturday around this time. 

On one hand, this is what I really want-no more bottles, and ultimately no more pumping. At the moment, though, it's making me a little nervous. He's at least mostly stopped the freaking out while eating, and I feel like he's eating pretty efficiently overall.  I'm feeding him at least every 2-3h, and more often when he seems interested and pumping as often as I'm able after.  I'm also doing all I can to get him naps, though it may take awhile to get that sorted. He has plenty of diapers and is a happy  camper so I'm going to work with him and not worry. .modt of all, I'm not going to fall back into the obsession about it with weight checks and timing and stress. It may take a little time, but we will figure this out together and it's gonna be great, because we will be exactly where I want once we do! 

Halfway Point/Breaking Point

It may be partly that I'm tired and still adjusting to getting up at 6am, it may be partly hormones, but I just want to quit working out. I've been working out consistently and eating pretty clean (and definitely not too much) for 3 months now, and I'm seeing no tangible measurable payoff. I know I'm getting stronger, some definition is returning in my arms, and my depression is manageable, but I'm still in the same pant size I was 3 weeks postpartum and that literally makes me cry. I know results will come, and I'm laying groundwork and all that, but it's like I said to Scott the other day: If you went to work and gave your best every day and never got a paycheck, knowing that someday at some unknown  arbitrary time you'd start getting paid...You'd probably say "well why don't I just start working when you're gonna pay me?" 

I'm getting up at 6am when I could get up at 8, I'm pushing my body as hard as it can go 4-6x a week, and I'm not sure I can keep it up indefinitely with no payoff. 

I know why I'm not seeing results, most likely. It's because I'm EBF Declan and working outta the same time. My body is freaking out and holding on to the weight.  I can't not work out, though. I promised myself I would do better and take better care of myself from day 1 this time, so I'm going to. I really need something to give though. 

Another thing that's discouraging me has been my workout performance. I am finishing weeks 5/6 (but really week 8 because of restarting this level after my surgery) of body Revolution, which makes tomorrow my halfway point. This being my fourth time through the program, I remember what I felt like at this point before, and I really don't remember workout 5 being so hard. I've wracked my brain about why it is bringing me to tears and taking me 50 min (it has a 37 min run time) to complete. I have come up with two answers: a) I was 14 months postpartum at this point my first time through- not just under 5. b) I was not doing the plyo moves or cardio intervals (usually walking in place). That makes a huge difference in intensity, and I'm doing everything this time through.  

So I probably shouldn't feel bad about that. But I'm really not looking forward to leveling up on Monday, because I remember workout 7 being my least favorite. 

Finally, I'm really struggling with comparison. I've come a long way with this, but it is still an area I'm being stretched in. I see other people's pictures and want to cry, especially moms who had babies close to when I did, and their baby weight just fell off from breastfeeding, and they are all sorts of hi cal food and are rail thin. I am not that person and my journey isn't going to be theirs, but dang it twists the knife. I don't know how to reconcile how hard I work for no results with seeing others where I want to be with no effort (in their own words). 

 

I just don't want to feel this anymore. 

Ladybug Girl turns three

My Sweet, Beautiful, Vibrant Girl, where do I begin? I cannot believe in only twelve and a half hours it'll have been three years since that life changing moment when I first saw your face and kissed your head and fell in love. You were my dream come true, and still are, more every day. You've grown up so much in this past year, and as these pictures will show, you've changed most strikingly since you became a big sister. There's very little baby left in you, though you will

Always be my baby girl. 

You are incredibly tender hearted, especially towards your mama, who's been exceedingly (one of your favorite words) weepy over the past year. When I was in early labor with Declan, I was feeling tired, discouraged, and frustrated, and you kissed my tear streaked face and prayed with Daddy and I. 

You hate conflict, and if you sense an argument between Daddy and I beginning, you sail in and break it up, or at least try. You also tend to run and hide when you think you're in trouble. It's so sweet to see your sensitivity, and I promise I will never try to change that. 

You are still my cuddlebug. You love to be held in my arms and in my lap. We were so spoiled while I carried your brother inside me, because we had so much time for this. I will always cherish all the sweet days when it was just you and I, our last months of you being my only baby. 

Christmas has officially become more fun than it's ever been. You love everything about it, especially the decorations and lights. I know it'll just get more fun every year now, but this year was incredible, as you discovered everything from songs to Santa to music in sync with light displays.  We went out a half dozen times to look at lights, and every time we were done, you cried and begged for more. 

It was such a cold winter, and I hated not being able to play in the snow with you, but I'm so glad you and Daddy got to enjoy it, even when the temps were in the single digits and you had to go out in the dark to play. 

We were a little nervous that you'd struggle with the transition from only child to big sister, but you've been unbelievable, even in the face of me having to give Declan almost everything those first couple months. You fell madly in love with him from day one, and it's such a blessing to see you two develop a relationship. 

You blow me away with your tenderness and eagerness to help and encourage and love your brother. So many times a day you tell me you love him and he's "so cute!" I love hearing you say "Good morning, Brother!" And "I love you, Declan!"

I know you're waiting (with varied levels of patience) for him to be able to play with you, and I promise it's coming. 

In the meantime, you are growing and learning in leaps and bounds. You know your alphabet, your alphabet sounds, colors, shapes, how to count to twenty, how to spell your name and your brother's, and more every day. We are going to start school together in September, and I love how you're already excited! 

You've become passionate about painting and dancing, as well as playing drums and singing. We are planning to put you in dance classes soon, and I'm excited to develop your other passions as well. 

It amazes me how perceptive you are and how you notice everything. You love nature and animals and you are so free and full of joy in every experience. You make me want to be brave and open to pursuing my passions too. 

One passion I see developing that I want to feed is your beginning faith. You love to pray and often ask to, and love to talk about "Lord Jesus!" I am praying daily for ways to help you grow this into a relationship for eternity. 

You have grown so much, my sweet Bella Bug, but you are still my baby, my princess, my Peanut. I love you, beyond words, more than you know, and I'm so very proud and thankful to be your Mama. 

Rethinking Goals

It's occurred to me that I've had some unrealistic expectations on myself. I know, this isn't shocking if you've been following my journey any length of time. 

The first area where I've been riding myself too hard is schedule. I was in such a groove a year ago, early in my pregnancy with Declan. Up/Devo/eat, workout, Lexi up and fed, go for a walk, etc. now, I'm just fighting to get up before 9 and my workout done before 11. Most days that's as productive as I  get. The productivity is improving, but I mean, I'm up for an hour in the middle of the night to pump, which basically steals an hour and a half of sleep. Add to that the fact that many nights I struggle to get in bed before 1130- a year ago I was on a solid 10-6 in bed schedule- and it's no wonder I'm having a hard time. Not to mention, life is so different. My body is still recovering from birth, I have a four month old and a three year old (tomorrow), and the first 2.5 months of my postpartum were absolute hell followed by 2 months of intense tooth pain. Things are finally starting to look up, but have a long way to go. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Scott told me last night "at any given time, you can only do the most important thing in that moment. You're doing that, and I'm proud of you." And you know what? The rest will come. It's already started to. 

Maybe, instead of trying to go whole hog and get up early, work out early, do housework, play outside, do school, etc all at once, maybe a better plan is this:

Week 1: work on going to bed on time/getting up on time and one housework catch up project a day. 

Week 2: this week start moderate housework at a maintainable level.

Week 3: this week work in school. 

Week 4: now try to keep it going. 

The other area I'm struggling with my own expectations in is my fitness journey. I'm getting stronger for sure, but not shrinking quickly (if at all) and I'm really frustrated with push ups. I'm definitely not eating too much, I'm pretty sure I'm eating enough not to send my body into  starvation, so I'm just gonna work on reducing sugar, and being intentional about where my calories come from. I've stopped buying prepackaged and processed snacks, and hopefully that'll help. The lack of external results is really messing with me though, and I really don't see an end to that, because I don't see what's gonna suddenly change and make the weight start coming off. I'm sure it will eventually, and in theory I can be patient, but it's hard to push myself like this without reward. I don't even have the reward of having more energy or feeling better yet, because my sleep is such a mess. Maybe working on that will help too. I fully believe that sticking with this will pay off-there's no way it won't. But right now, I'm feeling very impatient and burnt out. When it's time to wake up and work out, or get ready for spin class, I just want to go back to sleep! You'll probably hear more of this as I work through this funk. And that's why I write here-to help myself work through stuff and to show the journey between the progress photos. 

I've read a number of places that it takes the body a year to recover from giving birth, so why in the world did I set a goal to be back in my tiniest pants ever in less than 6 months for our vacation?

As of right now, my new goal is to be back in my size 8's by then ( 4 weeks 2 days), and then take the next 6 months to lose the other 2 sizes. I feel like that is beyond doable, and notice I said nothing about the scale. I have no idea how long it's gonna take to get back to 150, which is what I weighed the day I found out I was pregnant, but what matters more to me is fitting and feeling and looking good in my clothes. So I guess that means I'm shooting for a size 6 by Christmas and a size 4 by Declan's birthday.  I feel good about that! 

Overachieving

So, I had an emergency wisdom tooth extraction two weeks ago, and recovery took about 10 days. I really started feeling like myself again over the weekend, and went full steam into trying to be productive from Saturday to yesterday (Tuesday). Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't get out of bed till 11 this morning. Safe to say, if been kinda overdoing it out of the gate. I had a bunch more housework catch up planned for today and tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe I need to take it a little easier and build back into things at a more moderate pace. 

I'm sharing this because I can't be the only one who does this and gets frustrated and discouraged. PCOS has always made itself known through fatigue, but since I've started living healthier, that hasn't been such a problem. Since Declan has been born though, I have had a number of times where I had a burst of active energy only to get bowled over. So, the rest of the week, I'm going to be focusing on getting to bed on time and up on time and getting my workout done. Then next week, maybe I can finish playing catch up on the house. :-)