Why I share, and some updates

Maybe you're a new friend of mine, or maybe an old friend who's just never clicked over here. Maybe you're rolling your eyes at my constant status updates about my fitness journey on FB. Regardless how you got here, welcome, and thank you!  

I share a lot about my fitness journey and my mental health challenges, and there are a few reasons why. Spoiler alert-none of them is because I'm bragging about how awesome I am! Hahahaha. Also not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Now we've covered the non-reasons, here are the actual reasons I share: 

-it's cathartic. I process things by talking about them. It helps me clarify my thoughts, and make sense of thing. It strengthens my resolve and solidifies my plans. 

-I want to have a reference point in the future. I blog so I can remember the journey, what worked, what didn't, and the timeline, in case I face the same challenges again. 

The biggest reason I share though, is because I want to encourage. I felt so alone for so long, like this (fitness, health, mental health) came easily to everyone else and I must be a failure and a loser. I've realized that's far from true, and so I'm on a mission to share-because maybe my journey, and my resolve to keep fighting for my goals will encourage someone else to also. We are in this together. 

So, all that said, here are some updates:

I had tried taking evening primrose oil after reading a lot about it helping with pms, anxiety, depression, and other PCOS symptoms. After about two weeks I stopped-three days ago- because though my period came only ten days late instead of 3-4 weeks, my anxiety and depression during those ten days and the following five days of my period were flat out unbearable. There's no way of knowing if the timing of my period or the mental health challenge spike was related to the EPO, it wasn't worth the risk that if I continued I'd get even worse off or even stay the same to see if maybe it regulated my period-something that should happen on its own as Declan weans. It was so miserable, y'all. 

***Side note, on 10/2 he will have nursed longer than Lexi did. I see little sign of him slowing down, though he doesn't need his before nap nurse, and maybe even the one after. We still do them, most days,because he doesn't turn me down, and the snuggles are so sweet. He  loves his morning milk though. Like with Lexi, I think that'll be the last to go, even after bedtime, because Scott puts him to bed anyway. ***

Due to the mental health challenges the past few weeks, I'm not where I want to be with my daily routine, particularly my level of exercise, so I'm revising my goals, without giving myself room to slack off.

I'm probably not going to be wearing my size 4's in another 6 weeks-considering somehow my 6's, that did fit before vacation, are muffin toppy again. That may be due to the hormonal cycle combined with the swelling from working out again after a couple weeks off, (which is why I really shouldn't take more than one week off, my body freaks out...), but regardless, I'm not 3/4 of a size away from those pants fitting. Revising this goal is hard, partly because I've had the date of 10/31 set in my head for so long, and partly because I don't really know what to expect from myself, what's reasonable. The last time I went from an 8 to a 4, it took me somewhere around 4-5 months, and I had a pregnancy and stopped nursing during that time. I had also started from a heavier place and maybe there was momentum? I don't really know. All I can really do is put my head down and grind hard, eat clean, and recover well. My meal planning is on track, sleep is getting better, and my workout intensity is good. I'm excited to start cycling 3x a week again, and even more excited to continue making my yoga practice a priority. Ultimately I'd like to be doing HIIT and cycle twice a week and yoga six times a week as my fitness routine, but for now, and until I reach some big goals, it's gotta be HIIT 4x, cycle 3x, yoga 6x. 

All that to say, I'm making a soft goal of thanksgiving for those jeans, and hopefully I'm just gonna enjoy the ride there. I'm just so ready to be done with the "weight loss" part of this journey and be able to focus more on performance and developing my yoga practice. Both those elements are definitely there now, but feeling good in clothes is a priority and a distraction. Having babies has changed my body, and I'm good with that-and let's be real, my pre-baby body was never as fit, healthy, and strong as this body I have now. However, I don't feel like it's wrong to want to drop some extra fluff-as long as I acknowledge and love the beauty that exists along the way. 

I have a tendency to be hyper aware of my belly and label myself "disgusting" because the flesh there is so...fleshy. I'm mostly ok with the rest of my body, though obviously I'm loving every muscle that pops more and every place that gets less smooshy. But my belly. Ugh. I'm working hard at patience and loving myself along the journey there. It's also the only place that extra bulk limits me during workouts-I can't bring knee to nose because my belly is in the way, range of motion is limited on other ab moves, how much further could I fold in standing forward fold? 

I am committed to positive self talk, not just for me, but for Lexi. Lately she's around when I'm working out (getting myself going in the morning is a challenge!) and I make sure to tell her that we work out because it makes us strong and mighty! I never mention wanting to be smaller or skinnier, only stronger. I want her to always love herself for exactly who she is and only strive to *be* better and healthier and stronger- I think my fitness journey stalled out for so long because I didn't get that. I was so focused on being "skinny" that I missed the beauty of strength and the things my body could do! I only really fell in love with my body and really embraced what it can do in September of 2011 when I started practicing yoga. Almost ten years of trying so hard to be thin came before that. It was great timing though, because 6 weeks later I got pregnant with Lexi, and I really fell in love with my body then! And I needed that foundation to begin the climb back, and to really discover the athlete inside me in 2013. I have struggled since then, off and on to re-focus myself, and the desire to be skinny pops up when I compare sometimes, but that's why my hashtag for this part of my journey is 

#ropesngunsnabs 

The Tide

I've finally realized that the best analogy for the fluidity of my mental/emotional state these days is the tide. It's cyclical overall (cuz it's hormonal, duh) and yet, a riptide (calm at the surface, treacherous below--caused by triggers, some predictable, some not ) is always possible, and tidal waves are a thing too. High tide is when I feel like I could drown (the past week or so) and am too tired but must keep fighting to stay afloat, and low tide is when I feel able to wiggle my toes, turn my face to the sun, and relax. And y'know what else is awesome about low tide? You see the treasures that high tide left behind. ☺️

Today I woke like I have for almost two weeks now, with an elephant on my chest and my stomach roiling. The difference is, that like yesterday, there were no fearful thoughts to match. The physical does still affect the emotional though. Yesterday was Wednesday and I didn't have to get up and moving immediately, so I lay in Scott's arms and chatted lightly until my body relaxed and I moved on with my day. It wasn't ideal, but my body is tired and has been through the wringer between PPDA, pms, and BodyShred lately so it's not surprising. Today, all the above is true, but I didn't have the time to lie in bed till I felt better, though I stole a few extra minutes. I'm moving more slowly through my morning routine than I'd like, repeating truths to myself to fend off any thoughts that might try to come- any riptide lurking below my calm waters. 

The kids are healthy. 

Lexi will learn to obey. 

You are doing a great job.

You will get better, healthier, physically and emotionally. 

You are worth the struggle.

You are worth loving. 

You feel this way because you are tired, but you are getting stronger and you will rest better for the work. 

It is low tide. The sun is rising. I'll feel it soon. I'm healing. One moment at a time He is renewing me. 

LMAL: Health

This chapter is totally in my wheelhouse-it almost feels like cheating to get to focus on it! Don't be too surprised if you see the next chapter of my experiment too, alongside this, since physical health is a huge focus of my life on the daily anyway. 

I've discovered that my physical well being and mental health are inextricably linked, that a workout is like a hit of Prozac-usually-and that tired turns into crazed with anxiety fairly easily. Add PMS/PMDD to the mix, keeping in mind that because of my PCOS, PMS can last *weeks*, and it's quite a handful to manage. So, yes, I must take care of my health, mental and physical, and the two are one. 

Personally, I find a ramp-up to a pace I can maintain serves me best and allows me to multiply my "spoons" (daily energy resources) over time. I build, slowly and carefully, (since overtired equals crazy and miserable) and push, while protecting recovery carefully, and when I get to the level of physical activity I want to be at, I can then increase intensity in specific areas, and the increased energy I get allows me to manage other areas of life better, like housework, getting the kids out to the park, etc. As my mental health improves, I hope to overcome some big obstacles, but for now I'm focusing on what's in front of me, right? 

My experiment: 

-workout is job 1 each day

-rest and recovery are equally important. 

-keep the day rolling as routine is built, rather than letting surprises derail the day. 

-be kind to myself with expectations. 

It's Thursday of the first week back from the beach, and I'm feeling and thinking a lot of things. Most of them good, a few a bit less so. 

First challenge: PMS induced crazy. My hormones are all in flux due to my body attempting to do what it should, and this has brought back the anxiety after my having a break from full on intense painful fear for most of the past two weeks or so, and I can feel the pressure building. Today I'll try to brainstorm some "at my fingertips" rescue methods. I'm also really tired from many many late nights the past two weeks, and that doesn't help. 

Another challenge: I'm slightly overwhelmed by all that we are on the cusp of, with starting a new school year, me starting BodyShred and really getting serious about dialing in my health and developing my yoga practice, and what that means for daily life and finding routine in a time when a strict schedule isn't always possible. 

The flip side of that sense of being overwhelmed, though, is BIG excitement. As daunting as it feels to start kindergarten, I'm so excited for the empowerment Lexi will find in being able to read. As tough as I know my workouts will be, and how tired I'll be at first, I know the rewards to my physical, emotional, and mental health will be beyond worth it if I'm committed and consistent. 

I'm excited because I'm starting this new season with a home that is clean and tidy, and a fair, managable plan to keep it that way without hours of work per day. I'm not super thrilled that we came home from the beach to discover we had had a mousey house sitter, but God works in mysterious ways, and now our house is deep cleaned, we are creating habits of sweeping and vacuuming more, and there are no signs of return visits. Thank ya Jesus. 

I am definitely more excited than overwhelmed by all that's beginning, and I know that if I'm able to breathe deep and live in each moment with intention, I will see myself blooming vibrantly. 

Walks are for kids, and finally setting a major goal date

Tuesday  I worked out four times. I did my JM, walked 3.4 mi, 37m yoga, and 40 min on the bike. While I was walking, I made a decision. The walks cannot, for now at least, have any agenda other than  giving the kids what they need-whether its Declan needing a nap, all of us heading to the park, or just some fresh air. There are two to three other times in the day right now when mama's workout has to come first, (though I'm hoping to get to the point when I'm getting all that done before they get up), and that time needs to be about them. It counts as exercise for me, obviously, but I can't set my agenda for it, because the kids will need something different from day to day. 

My fitness will improve, and with it my pace and therefore distance, but that has to just be gravy. This should also help me reduce overtraining, which is a struggle for me, and with the delicate balance my mental health is in right now, I can't afford it. 

I also finally put a date on my biggest  external fitness goal. I want my abs by my 35th birthday. That's just under 11 months, and I don't know if it's gonna happen-because I've never actually had abs... But I'm gonna try my very best while still living my life. I'm gonna have dessert sometimes, I'm gonna have sushi and fried chicken on occasion. I'm gonna eat clean and real food most of the time and train like no tomorrow. I'll never be one of those women who can eat whatever I want and not work out, but I am the woman who will reap rewards of hard work and not deprive myself of living life. 

This is a good thing to remind myself of as we head to the beach next week, because I fully intend to EAT and have no regrets-and also to go for lots of ways and do lots of yoga. Balance, Yo. 

Approaching a Waypoint

I couldn't really think of the right word, so that'll have to do. I'm having a slow start due to Anxhaustion (this is my new word that just sums it all up-anxiety caused by exhaustion that creates more exhaustion, creating more anxiety. Yay.) but I'm going to write while I drink my coffee and my workout will absolutely still happen. And yoga too. Annnnnywaaaaay...

We leave for vacation three weeks from tomorrow! I'm SO looking forward to this trip, to play with Lexi in the waves, to introduce Declan to the beach, to relax and eat good food (hopefully resist too much of the stuff that tastes good but isn't...), to spend unscheduled unpressured time with some of my favorite people, and get a good dose of vitamin D. 

It also marks my first concrete goal. I want to be able to fit comfortably and aesthetically, my size 6 jeans and capris. I think I'll be able to, also. I tried them on yesterday, and they buttoned and zipped just fine, though they were muffin toppy and not ideal around the middle. Nothing that didn't seem within the realm of 3 weeks of hard work though. This is a big exciting deal for me, because getting into those pants means that I'm one size away from my smallest ever, and that puts my goal of size four jeans by the end of BodyShred (late October) within reach. Once I get those size four jeans, a very big part of my fitness journey will be past, and a new, exciting, and challenging one will continue and come to the forefront. Ropes n Guns n Abs, baybeeee! 

The past few weeks I've found myself frustrated by what I can't do, or can't do without modifying in my Jillian Michaels workouts. In most of the (non body Revolution) workouts I do of hers, I do the advanced version of almost every move. Now, I'm in level 3 of Killer Arms and Back as well as Killer Abs, and there are some moves in both I just flat out can't do, and even modified is like WHAa?  That's hard. So, I can definitely see that when I finish my first round of BodyShred (probably having to modify a TON) my focus the next time through is going to be being Able to actually DO more. I'm trying to coach myself now to not get discouraged, because I know it's gonna be SO hard, from day 1, and I will have to improvise on a lot of the cardio the first round, because plyo is not the best plan for me, but I'm going to do this, I'm going to get stronger, and I'm going to conquer, just like I always have. 3.5 years ago I had never done a push up on my toes, now I can crank out sets of 25. I can do this. 

Today is my last Killer Abs workout of this round, and Monday I start 3 weeks of Killer Body, and I'll pick up one more week of that after Vacation before starting Bodyshred. I've previewed the upper body workout for Killer Body, and holy Push ups! Yeah I'm gonna be humbled by this, but how awesome will it be in future rounds to see how far I've come? 

As much as I've felt frustrated and defeated along the way, and I know I may feel that way again, I'm really proud that I haven't given up. Through the PPDA, the exhaustion, the nursing challenges and pumping around the clock, the kids waking up too early, through mornings like this one where I feel like I can't get off the couch, where the fear of unknown bad is paralyzingly me, I haven't quit fighting for my health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And I won't. 

I'm gonna address something here that I don't talk about much. I know I could take meds and the PPDA would probably be a non factor, or at least less of one, but the effect that meds have had on my body in other ways makes that just not the right choice for me. I've never been able to shed fat or even maintain a healthy weight when on antidepressants. It's not just vanity either. My PCOS is worse in every way when I am heavier. My cycle doesn't exist, I have painful cysts, migraines, and more. I will work my tail off in exercise and eating good food and using oils and supplements-all more effort, all requiring consistency, but long term, a better solution for me. I haven't fully ruled out some talk therapy though. Updates on this part of my journey as they come. 

LadyBug Girl is Four!

My Four year old. You are light and love and my dreams and my heart, and I love you more than I ever knew possible. You also drive me crazy, but that's life with a daughter, I'm told. 

You're so very imaginative. We almost literally can't keep up with who you "are" from day to day, whether you're Peppa Pig, Sofia, Cinderella, Belle, Snow White, or about of the other many characters you play. It's both endearing and infuriating  to call your name and hear "No, I'm Belle!" We love the worlds you create though, and do our best to

Encourage you. 

You are very into making art now, whether drawing, painting, gluing, or...toothpaste? I encourage that too, within reasonable boundaries and rules. Haha! I love watching your creations look more and more realistic and hearing what's in your vibrant mind. 

Ballet is becoming a favorite activity too. You love your teacher, the girls in your class, and DANCIN! Your first recital was so fun, and I look forward to watching your confidence and skills grow. 

We really enjoyed our first year of homeschooling and are both excited to start again soon! You ask me almost daily if it's "uptember" yet, because you are so ready to learn to read! 

(Astronaut)

You're an incredible big sister, and impress me every day with your love for your "Bubby". You two play so well together and just love each other so much. If he's up and you're not, he misses and tries to get to you. I love hearing y'all laughing together in the car. I'm so thankful for how much you love being my big helper with him. 

You are the most passionate and sensitive child I've ever met-with parents like us, it makes sense-you certainly come by it honestly. You are so caring and loving, always making sure I'm doing ok, and if you sense even a little unhappiness you seek to comfort and encourage, not just me, but your brother and your friends too. The flip side of that is, for any highly sensitive person, that your negative feelings and reactions are big too. You love and laugh on a large scale, and you are sad and angry in a big way too. I'm learning to breathe deep in those moments and not let my own high sensitivity be caught up too, because what you need is calm and safety when your world feels stormy. I know this because I'm the same way, my love, my heart. 

Lexi Bella, I'm so thankful and blessed to be your mama that I don't have words. I thank God every day for the gift of you and all you are, and I always will. Especially on this day that's a reminder of my very first happiest day with you. I love you.