Pregnancy Fitness

So, I've been holding off on this post to kinda sort things out with my energy level and my mind, which is honestly my biggest problem in pregnancy-I have it really easy physically, no symptoms to speak of, except more napping, and absolutely no morning sickness. But mentally/emotionally, it's a battle. The losses we've suffered combine with my battle against the lies I've shared that haunt my mind into a crapstorm some days. So far it hasn't been as bad as with Lexi, and I'm hoping it'll stay that way, with a combination of prayer, staying in God's word, and reminding myself of what's true. 

So, fitness. Early in my pregnancy (before I knew) I had modified my cycle performance to try to keep my heart rate lower, and planned to stick with that and the Jillian Michaels workouts I was doing through my first trimester. Well, the same week I found out I was pregnant (probably not coincidentally) my sleep schedule got all messed up and I just wasn't getting up early enough to work out. Also, when I went to cycle class, I experienced cramping through and for about two hours after class. Now, I knew that most likely this wasn't a problem, as exercise causes uterine contractions even when we aren't pregnant, we just don't feel them. However, with my anxiety issues, I knew I should back off, for my own sanity. Boy was that frustrating. So, since then, I've been waking for the hour I would be in cycle class, and averaging about 3.5-4 miles in that hour. 

Yesterday I tried out a new prenatal yoga DVD, and loved it. I'm sore today, which feels amazing, and I feel like I've built a great prenatal fitness library that shod keep me strong and not bored the next 6.5 months or so. :-)

My plan for the next few weeks is to practice yoga 4 days a week, walk at the gym twice a week, and be as generally active with the family as weather and energy will allow.

Starting late August or early September, I'll work my Andrea Orbeck Pregnancy Sculpt workout into the rotation twice a week and start varying the yoga between the different DVDs I have. I have calendars mapped out for the rest of my pregnancy. Because I'm a planner like that.  I feel like this will keep me strong and prepared for birth and as smooth a bounce back as possible. 

I'll try to blog regularly about how all this is going, physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably share pictures. I definitely want more of a record of this pregnancy experience than I created last time. I can't believe it's almost 1/4 of the way over! 

Here's my little bump: (it's really hard to photograph so please excuse my face! 

Ladybug Girl, Age Two.

How is it you're already turning two years old? It was mere moments ago I felt you wiggling inside me, wasn't it? Seems like I just saw your sweet face the first time, seconds after you met the world, before the cord that connected us was even cut. How is it that our first nursing was two years ago, and our last five months ago? That primal moment when you were fresh from my womb and I kissed your head and smelled your hair and knew you were *mine*, and all I had waited for. I can still smell that moment if I close my eyes. I hope I always can.  

Alexandra, Lexi, Lil Bug, Peanut, Cookie. You answer to so many names, because your Mama is fond of nicknames, and that's fine with you. You are the sweetest, most affectionate, tender soul I've ever met, and your capacity to love others and bring Joy and sunshine into their lives astounds me. You love openly, freely, without reservation or fear of rejection,  and it inspires me to love more like you, because even at barely two, you love like Jesus. You were fifteen months old when I was first told how a baby was crying in the nursery and you ran to find a toy to comfort her. Daily you sweep me away with not only being the cuddliest cuddle bug this cuddly mama ever dreamed, but capable of the sweetest moments of spontaneous affection I've ever experienced. I love when you reach up and pull my face down  to kiss, or when we are at the park and you stick your face between bars and pucker up until i meet you there. Everyone who knows you knows you are the sweetest and most joyful child ever, and I'm so glad and blessed beyond words to get to be the primary beneficiary of that! 

You are two, and even you have some rebellion and sass in you. I'm praying for wisdom and strength to know when and how to discipline you, because I'm a softy, and you are terribly sensitive. I'm learning daily what battles to pick, and how when you seem you be extra mischievous, you're really just asking for more attention and focus. I'm learning as you learn, Sweet Bug, and we will be patient with each other. 

As I have always dreamed, but never dared actually ask God, you are the ultimate girly girl. You love having your hair done, particularly in "Baid" (braids) and ask daily for some of mama's makeup. Your favorites are,  "Bip?" (lipstick), "cheek?" (Blush stick) , and "pahko!" (Sparkle eyeshadow). I love it. You get so excited about new clothes and shoes and I laugh when you strut and dance around because you feel pretty. I love the humongous grin showing all your teeth and sparkle in those green eyes when I tell you are the most beautiful. Because you are, my love, inside and out. 

You're learning so quickly, and sometimes I realize that I can try to direct and focus what you learn, but you are gonna pick up and run with concepts I never even concieved of! I have been working on colors with you, and you're getting there, but yesterday you picked up a white crayon and announced "WHITE!" My jaw dropped, because, though I've read color books with you over and over, *I* have never taught you white. Now you show me that crayon over and over to impress me. You like making your Dadda and I proud, and I hope we do a good job of letting you know how proud we are of who you are every step along the way. I love watching you learn and grow and develop new skills. 

You definitely inherited the music gene, probably mostly from Dadda, but I hope a little from me too. You love to sing and play instruments, and I love to listen. Lately you've been very into me singing to you during cuddles, and also having me sing silly songs for you to dance to. I love making those memories with you. 

Watching you with your dolls and with babies you meet, I see clearly that you are very nurturing and maternal. When we gave you your baby penguin plush the other day, your first instinct was to lift your shirt and nurse it.  I'm so excited to see your loving and tender self as a big sister soon. You will be so sweet and helpful and love the baby so much! You already like to kiss my belly. You like to tell me also that you are gonna be a big sister like Elsa! 

 We don't watch a ton of TV, but you are passionate about the few things we do watch. You love Blue's Clues, Color Crew, Clifford, Daniel Tiger, Frozen, and of course, Gobble Gobble! (free birds). I love watching you enjoy these characters and sing and dance along.

Your favorite books are, "Little Blue Truck", its sequel, all the Ladybug Girl books, all your Sesame Street books, your word books that we use to practice talking, and most of all, your bible. You ask for it constantly and also carry around my first bible, a white New Testament given to me in 1986. I pray you'll always be so passionate and connected to God's word. 

Our family has really enjoyed the Zoo this year so far, and I look forward to many more trips! You especially enjoy the prairie dogs, Bears, tigers, cheetahs, budgies, Penguins, and all the animals you can feed and pet. 

Lexi Bella, I could go on about you forever. I am so honored to be your mama, and watch you grow, and teach you new things. This next year is going to be a new adventure, but I know it's going to be wonderful to adventure with you, my heart.  I love you. 

Lil Valentine: the story so far.

So, I've been quiet about this the past few weeks, but WE ARE HAVING A BABY!  We went to see my doctor yesterday, had a perfect ultrasound, saw the baby, saw and heard a beautiful and strong 165 bpm heartbeat, and were told that everything looks perfect! Our Estimated Due Date is March 1, so I'm saying February, and calling this baby my "Lil Valentine". I've always wanted a February baby, because nobody on either side of our family has a birthday in that month! 

So, here's the story so far: when I didn't get pregnant in April from our first round of Clomid, I was really discouraged and sad. But we felt like God put this desire for another child on our hearts, so I took the clomid again and we tried again. I'll admit, I wasn't super hopeful, but I kept praying and fighting to trust God. 

June 17 was the day I expected my period, and I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test that day, even though I had no symptoms. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning needing to use the bathroom, and thought "well, guess this is it!" And went ahead and tested. The test looked negative in those first moments, and I went back to bed, a little dejected. Now, in the few more hours I slept, I had *two* dreams that the test turned positive before I looked at it again. So, when I woke up, I looked at the test again. Sure enough, there was a faint but visible second line. I showed Scott, who saw the line too. But you know, the instructions say ignore any change after ten minutes...so we decided to test again in a week.

Over the next week I prayed a lot, pouring out the desires of my heart to God, but also asking Him to give me peace and patience for His timing.  Toward the end of the week, this became my mantra when my heart would feel heavy: "when God decides to give us another baby, nothing is going to be able to interfere with that." And I felt much less nervous about what the outcome of that next test would be. I continued asking God for a baby, but also began to rest in knowing His timing is perfect. 

On June 24, I woke up at 2:38 AM and had to use the bathroom. Again, I thought "well, guess I have to test now!" And I did. This time though, as I watched the test develop (I've tried countless times not to look till 2 min and nave never succeeded), I had to blink and run my half asleep eyes as I watched a second line appear on the test. It was just like the day we found out about Lexi, and just like that day, Scott was skeptical till he saw it himself. Then, his second reaction was "Woman, why did you have to do this at 2:30 in the morning? I have to go to work!" Oops. So, we tried, not too successfully, to get some more sleep. 

Because we don't know (and will never know) what caused our early losses, I wanted to be proactive but not paranoid this time. I called my doctor and asked if he thought I needed to supplement progesterone, and he ordered a blood test to see. I wasn't anxious, because if there was a problem, it was easily solved. But, in light of all we've been through this year, and the fact that again, I have no big glaring pregnancy symptoms (just like with Lexi), the fear started to creep in. The blood test had been on Tuesday, and Thursday morning I was crying out to God for help, for peace, for the ability to trust Him, because my fragile trust was shattered back in January, and I knew but needed to really *know* that this God I put all my hope in is worthy of my trust, even though I don't always understand the way things go. I was praying and crying out for help, when the phone rang. It was my doctor-not one of his nurses, who usually call to follow up, but my actual doctor. He told me that my bloodwork looked great! My progesterone was good and so was my pregnancy hormone. Praise God! My body was doing everything it should! The number he gave me for my pregnancy hormone level was higher than it ever was in January, so that was awesome too. And that call came exactly as I was asking God for reassurance. Amazing. 

The next 3 weeks passed very uneventfully, with many naps and varying levels of anxiety. I have an incredible circle of women (and a few men) who are patiently supporting me and encouraging  me and praying for us, and I am so thankful for all of them. I know God is blessing our baby through their prayers, and I thank God and ask his blessings on them daily. 

Yesterday's appointment was perfect, I feel good, if a little tired, and I can't wait to share this journey and this baby with all of you! 

Prayer response to devotional email 6/20/14

This week of the bible study I'm doing is about how Satan seeks to deceive and undermine God's love being real in our lives, and therefore our ability to live full lives. Yet again, completely relevant to exactly where I am. Today's devotional blog/email talked about the areas in which satan primarily attacks.

Abba Father,

Thank you again so much for making yourself and my need for you my very waking thought. Thank you for this hunger for healing that can only come from you and the awareness that time spent in your word and in prayer are the best ways to get that healing. 

Please help me to recognize when satan is shooting lies into my mind and my heart. Please help me to immediately see these lies for what they are, and cast them off. Please keep my eyes on you. I know the point of his lies is to turn my eyes on myself but I ask that you will keep them on you, so that I can see and experience in reality your love for me and live a full and abundant life. I'm only scratching the surface of what that mean, but I want more. Please protect me from mistaking these lies for truth and welcoming them in. I feel like that is one of the biggest struggles I have, and the source of my fear and insecurity.  I am desperate to change this, Father. Please make me stronger in you.

Please also enable me to protect my time with you in your word each morning. I know satan will try to interfere, tell me I don't have time, or that it's boring, but I know that your word is my best weapon against his lies, and I need it. Please help me to absorb more of its truth by the day and use this sword against him when he comes to poison my thoughts. Please feed my hunger for you and keep me hungry for your word, show me it's power and effectiveness daily, so that satan can never deceive me into thinking otherwise. 

Please strengthen my prayer life, and not let satan's lies about my worthiness or attempts at distraction keep me from it. Please protect me from ever feeling silly about calling out to you. Thank you for the way you bestow peace on me through the ability to talk with you. Father, I want to listen more for you when I pray, but I don't always know how, so I ask that you will guide me and prompt me. 

Thank you so much for this bible study, for the women who are writing it, and for the changes you are already making in my heart because of it. Please keep showing me how much I am loved.

Pregnancy tests and desperate prayers

"So I took a pregnancy test at like 4:30 this morning and at the time it looked negative, but then when I checked just now there was a plus sign. So I dunno if that's positive or an evaporation line (which I've heard of but never had), so an addition to my prayer request is that when I test again in a few days it's a very clear positive. And that I don't go crazy in the meantime, because I'm very confused. "

That's the message I sent to a few of my friends who I consider my support system right now. I'm totally exhausted mentally, emotionally, and  physically, the last due to not having had a good night's sleep in a month. Or at least not more than one in a row. The past 4.5 (especially the past 12 days) weeks have been some of the most difficult of my life, yet  the past 2.5 have been some of the most spiritually rewarding. This bible study I'm doing has been on point with what I'm facing every single day, and through it and being brave enough to ask for prayer and admit my brokenness and desperation for God's love, peace, and freedom from fear, I really feel I'm beginning to make progress. 

I was trying to be low key about taking the pregnancy test this morning. I did not plan on waking up with a desperate need to use the bathroom at 4:28 AM. When I took the test, and stared at it for a minute waiting for any sign of a line, I didn't really feel much. I left it on the counter, hoping maybe Scott would see it and I wouldn't have to bring it up. But here's the other thing-today is the day my period is "expected" but because of my irregular cycles, a negative test today doesn't neccesarily mean I'm not pregnant. I've never found out I was pregnant at four weeks-partly because I've only tested at four weeks a couple times. All three times I've found out at six weeks. I really do believe God's timing is best, and I'm beginning to find some peace in that, though it's still a struggle. Today is just a perfect storm of exhaustion, coupled with a very confusing test result. I don't want to have false hope, but I don't want to be negative nelly either. 

One thing that clicked with me best from yesterday's devotional message was the idea of recognizing when things are too big for you and actively handing them over to God. This is something that I find I have to do repeatedly with the same issues because I tend to try to take them back. Over and over. 

I find myself today in a place of desperation. Not for a baby, though my heart aches for that gift in ways I cannot express, my desperation is for peace, freedom from fear (because at times I feel so weighed down by it's chains), a sense of God's presence, open eyes and heart to experience in reality His love. I want to live joyfully today! I know that a life of "I'll be happy when..." Is no life at all, I learned that years ago. I also know that joy is beyond our circumstances and comes from the knowledge and understanding of God's love in our lives. I'm hungry for all of this, and I'm at a point of such deep need. I need his comfort, healing, presence, strength, I, like a toddler, need to be caught up in the arms of my Father to feel safe, loved, protected, and comforted. 

Abba, 

you know all that is on my heart, and all my weaknesses and struggles. You love me in my imperfection and you bless me with your people to show me love on this earth. I praise and thank you for Carol, Adria, Faith, Rebekah, Cindy, Ann, Jody, Julayne, Laura, Callie, Jewell, Chip, and all the others that you have loving on and praying for me. Thank you for Scott and his patience and strength to walk this journey beside me as a partner. Thank you for all the blessings wrapped up in Lexi. Thank you for the reminder of your love and faithfulness that her very life is. Thank you for how healthy, strong, and happy she is. Thank you for her cuddles and her laughter. Please guide me in parenting her with love and wisdom. Thank you for providing all our physical needs and for Scott's job.  Father, you know my needs.  I do ask that you will give us a healthy strong baby growing inside me, even now. I ask that the next pregnancy test I take will be a clear positive that we can celebrate! If this isn't the month, I ask that you will give me hope to keep going on this journey and joy in trusting in your timing. You know the challenges I'm facing mentally and emotionally and you have all the power to solve them. When my mind and heart become burdened and even before the enemy uses my weakness to attack, I ask that you help me to take those things to you and give me peace and joy that you are taking care of them in ways beyond my dreams. Please bless me with a sense of your presence and love wrapped around me like a blanket, protecting me and giving me security and peace. You are my hope and the only source of peace. I need you. 

Amen

Reflection and prayer response to today's devotional email

"If we allow a broken relationship to consume us, to take up too much brain space, it will create anxiety and despair. However, if we give it to God by faith, and seek to leave the consequences of our difficulties in His hand, then we are able to move forward, to cultivate hope, to learn the pathway of His love. When we meet Him at the cross and allow Him to take our broken hopes, we can leave with peace, knowing that He knows us and still loves us and has healed once and for all, the places of our own failures. Only as we live in this way, can we experience His love–when we forgive ourselves and when we accept His amazing accomplishment and victory in our lives.

It is my prayer this week that you will learn to live into the light of His promised love, that you will give your burdens into His capable hands and that you will accept your Father’s desire to love you and carry you through this world until you see Him face to face.

May you live free from burdens and worries to day, and rest in His amazing love."

~Sally Clarkson

That is how my devotional email from the You Are Loved bible study ended today, and it just resonated so deeply. This week's topic is about how satan wants to devour us and keep us from experiencing God's love for us, and I'll admit that relationships are one way I really see this in my own life. I take on far more than is mine and I call myself a failure when things aren't harmonious. Yet again this bible study it touching me right where I am and it's gotta be God's hand on my life that I am in exactly the right place at the precise time. 

Abba Father,

You know my scars, my bruises, my disappointments and separations from people. You know how I struggle with feeling like a failure, but you are also compassionate and know that I am weak and unable to fix everything on my own. Please help me to see myself through your compassionate eyes and take comfort in your love for me when I feel discouraged. Please give me freedom in knowing that all my mistakes and shortcomings are covered by the cross. Please write this truth on my heart, because it seems like it's something I know in my head but I'm not finding true freedom, peace, and joy in in my life. Please protect me from the attacks of the enemy who comes to steal my joy and keep me from experiencing your peace and love. I hate how often He is successful and I need you to build such a wall of truth around my heart that his arrows just bounce right off. 

Father, in this very moment I am struggling mightily with my emotions. I feel weak and afraid, and the lies that I struggle to confront and cast off are wrapping tentacles around my heart. Please help me cast them off and replace them with your truth. Please give me the strength and the heart to love people for your glory. Please heal my brokenness and give me joy and peace in you and what you are doing in my life. Father, I have moments when I feel so strong and have a sense of your presence with me and they are becoming days rather than moments, and I thank you so much for that. Please protect my heart and mind so that the enemy's arrows can't pierce through at a moment's notice and destroy the peace and joy and strength that you are providing. 

Please help me counter the enemy's attacks by keeping the eyes of my heart open to ways that you show me your presence and your love in reality each day. Please keep my eyes focused on these things and help me to embrace and take comfort in your love, joy, and peace. Please keep the reality of your love my reality and help me to recognize everything else as lies and shake it off.

Please give me the courage to live joyfully. Please help me not to try to find peace in my circumstances but to cry out to you for it, for my hope is only in you. 

When others are mistreating me or stirring up strife, please grant me an abundant measure of your love to pour out on them in response. Please keep me from responding unlovingly, and help me to hand the situation over to you to handle in your time instead of  carrying the burden myself and making it an idol. Please help me to recognize when I am carrying something and help me to bring it to you, as many times as I need to, until I stop trying to take it back.  

Father, please comfort me in your love. My heart aches and I know there is nothing in this world to heal it or calm my fears, but You are more than able. Please cast out my fears with your love and wrap me in your peace, holding me close to you. I need you, so much. Thank you for always being here with me and loving me. Please open my eyes and heart to see, experience, and truly live in your love. 

This song just came into my head:

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I see
For when Your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me

Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clear
Replace the lamp of my first love
That burns with holy fear

I want to take Your Word and shine it all around
But first help me just to live it, Lord
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown
For my reward is giving glory to You